Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 He wants out and she's trying to hold onto the golden ticket. Although, I can't blame her...I should've married rich when I was younger. Now my only choice for rich is over 65. If he wanted out, I don't understand why right after his last football game, when he could go out and celebrate with the guys, he wanted to spend time with me? That's the only thing that confuses me...everything else makes sense that maybe it's an excuse. The first time we talked about where our hometowns are, he was like when I'm home, I'm only 40 minutes away from you it's not bad at all! And I agreed. So we've had the conversation before, just seems different now and he's giving mixed signals. Any guy who wasn't interested would ultimately choose a night out with the guys then with a girl he wasn't interested in pursuing. Do you see where I'm coming from? =/ It's honestly not about him being a football player at all, although that's why he's thinking ahead which I had to mention. I don't want anything out of it except for companionship. Besides, the NFL isn't guaranteed to any draft pick so you never know. Not basing it on that what-so-ever. Although it's awesome, just not relevant.
coffee.girl Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Hi justagirrl. I know this is blunt, but, are you sleeping together? I'm sorry to agree with the majority here, but all signs point to He's Just Not That Into You. Especially if he's been seeing you for three months but won't commit to being your girlfriend. He seems happy to hang around if you're five minutes away.... but not 40? 40 minutes is nothing if he wanted to be in a committed relationship. You deserve to be with someone who can give you their full attention, don't waste your time with people that want to have their cake and eat it too.
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Hi justagirrl. I know this is blunt, but, are you sleeping together? I'm sorry to agree with the majority here, but all signs point to He's Just Not That Into You. Especially if he's been seeing you for three months but won't commit to being your girlfriend. He seems happy to hang around if you're five minutes away.... but not 40? 40 minutes is nothing if he wanted to be in a committed relationship. You deserve to be with someone who can give you their full attention, don't waste your time with people that want to have their cake and eat it too. Yes, we are sleeping together. Which did not happen right away, but it was at that point where I was starting to think maybe he doesn't even have to say it and just assumes we both are under the impression were in a monogamous relationship. It didn't even seem like it needed to be discussed and it was just obvious =/
daisydukes Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 40, 60 mins etc,etc as long as it is true love distance shouldn't matter.
TheFinalWord Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I've said it in a few posts, but one of the worst times for a man to get in a committed relationship is a time of transition. Men want to know they can take care of a woman. If he's between jobs or at some crossroads in life he isn't mentally in a place to commit. The best you can do is accept the dating relationship for what it is and don't conjure up fantasies of a future committed relationship, or move on. Oh, and 40 minutes isn't a big deal. You can meet somewhere half way between and cut it to 20 mins.
coffee.girl Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Again, justagirrl, really sorry to say this but from an outsiders perspective it looks like his is playing you/using you as a convenient booty call. You just have to join the dots. We've been seeing each other for 3 months now, and he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet For most healthy relationships, it shouldn't take the guy three months to figure out if he wants to commit to an exclusive relationship (if you have expressed that's what you want). Any guy that expects you to hang around and wait for him while he leaves his options open is not worth your time. He said "Honestly, I don't know. I love being with you, but...." I really don't buy the 'I'm scared to get too close to you in case I have to leave!' line. To me, 40 minutes really isn't that far...but right now, we're literally 5 minutes away from each other so it is a change So he can be bothered hanging out if it's convenient for him, but not if he has to put some time/effort in? You're worth more than that. Any guy who wasn't interested would ultimately choose a night out with the guys then with a girl he wasn't interested in pursuing. Just because he is interested in pursuing (sleeping with) you does not mean you are on the same page about a committed relationship. Yes, we are sleeping together Relevant to all points above. Perhaps I've got this wrong and you're happy to have a casual, FWB type arrangement... but from your posts it sounds like you've become attached to this guy and you're looking for something more committed. I would recommend that you assert some boundaries, and if he's not open to that, cut him loose. Pursue something with someone who is looking for the same things as you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
oaks Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 To me, 40 minutes really isn't that far...but right now, we're literally 5 minutes away from each other so it is a change. I'm willing to do it, but should I bring this up again? We're still seeing each other to this day 40 minutes is nothing. You can live in a medium-sized city and have a longer commute to work or a longer journey to see a friend in the same city. I suppose it depends what you're used to, but it sounds like he's finding excuses to avoid saying "i don't think this is going to work long-term". Do you see him every day? Maybe you wouldn't see him as often with a distance like that - would that be a problem?
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Again, justagirrl, really sorry to say this but from an outsiders perspective it looks like his is playing you/using you as a convenient booty call. You just have to join the dots. For most healthy relationships, it shouldn't take the guy three months to figure out if he wants to commit to an exclusive relationship (if you have expressed that's what you want). Any guy that expects you to hang around and wait for him while he leaves his options open is not worth your time. I really don't buy the 'I'm scared to get too close to you in case I have to leave!' line. So he can be bothered hanging out if it's convenient for him, but not if he has to put some time/effort in? You're worth more than that. Just because he is interested in pursuing (sleeping with) you does not mean you are on the same page about a committed relationship. Relevant to all points above. Perhaps I've got this wrong and you're happy to have a casual, FWB type arrangement... but from your posts it sounds like you've become attached to this guy and you're looking for something more committed. I would recommend that you assert some boundaries, and if he's not open to that, cut him loose. Pursue something with someone who is looking for the same things as you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship. Thank you, this was really helpful. I haven't seen him since last saturday after the game. We usually text everyday, but we didn't at all yesterday and i'm planning on keeping it that way until he realizes something is different. I guess I should keep my options open and pursue other people...but I really don't want to just yet =/ He's such a nice guy which makes me think he's not "playing me"...but like someone else said, during a time of transition, it can be overwhelming to commit to something when you don't know what the outcome could be. I think he doesn't want me to get hurt, but I would rather him just be open about it and not use things like "honestly, i don't know & I love being with you but..." seriously playing with my emotions.
Star Gazer Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 40 minutes would be very difficult for me to sustain.
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 40 minutes would be very difficult for me to sustain. I think that's what's going through his head...we're so used to being 5 minutes away from each other, it seems 40 minutes is a big deal now =/ When he first told me he lived 40 minutes away when he's not living at school, he was reassuring me that it's really not a bad drive at all! And now the fact that he's moving back home is the issue...and that he doesn't know where he will be in 6 months. I'm thinking it's because he really does care about me a lot, and knows that if we commit to a serious relationship, and for whatever reason he's drafted onto a team in 6 months, it could break my heart. Like i really think he doesn't want to see me get hurt.
Onlyjonley Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 No, don't talk to him anymore about it. He knows where you stand. If a guy wants to be with you, he will be. Simple as that. Move on.
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Eh. If someone greatly desires someone else (for the RIGHT reasons), that commute should be irrelevant. And the outlook should be more "this is only temporary until we CAN be closer together again" not "I don't know what my future holds. If things work out for *me*, then we can't be together... but, if they don't work out... well, then I'll keep you around (for now)" Doesn't sound like he's really all that interested, sorry :/ 40 minutes would be a pain to me personally, and I'd probably only be willing to endure it temporarily... and certainly not if the other person was leaning towards our relationship absolving. ONLY if they really wanted to keep it in tact. I think your best bet is to begin to move on.
xxoo Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 He's such a nice guy which makes me think he's not "playing me"...but like someone else said, during a time of transition, it can be overwhelming to commit to something when you don't know what the outcome could be. I think he doesn't want me to get hurt, but I would rather him just be open about it and not use things like "honestly, i don't know & I love being with you but..." seriously playing with my emotions. It sounds like he IS being honest. He doesn't know how he will feel when he moves. He has doubts. Playing you would be asking you to be his girlfriend, telling you that you are "the one", and then dumping you when he leaves. He's being honest. He enjoys his time with you right now. But he is not ready to commit to you. You are interpreting his time spent with you to be significant. He is telling you that it isn't. Listen to what he is saying.
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Eh. If someone greatly desires someone else (for the RIGHT reasons), that commute should be irrelevant. And the outlook should be more "this is only temporary until we CAN be closer together again" not "I don't know what my future holds. If things work out for *me*, then we can't be together... but, if they don't work out... well, then I'll keep you around (for now)" Doesn't sound like he's really all that interested, sorry :/ 40 minutes would be a pain to me personally, and I'd probably only be willing to endure it temporarily... and certainly not if the other person was leaning towards our relationship absolving. ONLY if they really wanted to keep it in tact. I think your best bet is to begin to move on. I agree, it just hurts. Should I make it a point to see him again and maybe discuss how I feel about it? I would tell him I enjoy spending time and being with him as well...it's just unfortunate that it can't work right now.
carhill Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 IMO, accept that anything can happen in six months or whenever and, if you enjoy his company now, continue dating him now. The future will happen. You're both really young. All this serious stuff should be a decade away. No, 40 minutes isn't that far. In my case, it's a drive to get groceries at the closest supermarket. My exW commuted an hour each way when we first got married and we each did a similar commute for the 18 months we dated before getting married. Where there's a will, there's a way. Good luck
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Did you ask him to be your boyfriend yet? If not, why not? Did you tell him where you see things going with the two of you? If not, why not? Did you respond to this question? What was your response? Exactly. Who knows? He could be drafted to a city thousands of miles away. When he told you about that possibility, did you offer to uproot yourself and follow him to wherever he might end up, so as to continue the relationship? If not, what exactly are you asking of him? What do you want out of the relationship? If you're not willing to follow him while he pursues his career, that means you're not serious and are just playing games. Perfectly reasonable, on both your parts. So why are you now stating that what you told him isn't really the truth about how you feel? Then you should have absolutely no problem driving to see him. You can do whatever you want. What would be the point of bringing it up again? It's already been resolved, hasn't it? I would follow him where ever he got drafted! I just didn't want to seem clingy by saying that. Do you think if I talk about the possibility of doing that, he would find it strange? I really care about him a lot and i don't want to lose him =( I can tell he doesn't want to lose me either, but it just seems like maybe something in the past is giving him this thought that it wouldn't work? I have no problem driving 40 minutes....40 min to me is nothing. And it seemed that way for him too! That's why I was so puzzled when he said "Honestly I don't know, I'm moving back home in a month and could be anywhere in 6 months." Thats when I responded "You're right, but you never know...I'm willing to keep an open mind about it if you are?" and he said "Yeah, me too." So that's why I'm continuing to see him. I didn't want to push it anymore because I felt like it would push him away. I just want him to know that I'm fully supportive of whatever he does, I would do whatever it takes for the person I want to be with. He knows I support him, but maybe if he sees that I really am committed to coming with him it could broaden his mind about it?
xxoo Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 He knows I support him, but maybe if he sees that I really am committed to coming with him it could broaden his mind about it? You've only been seeing each other 3 months. He may (reasonably, imo) feel that it is just too soon to know if he wants you to move along with him. Why not continue dating, let the relationship evolve naturally, and see how you each feel in 6 months?
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 You've only been seeing each other 3 months. He may (reasonably, imo) feel that it is just too soon to know if he wants you to move along with him. Why not continue dating, let the relationship evolve naturally, and see how you each feel in 6 months? That's definitely a possibility. It's just hard to think about it both ways when people are saying i'm being played? or that we should just keep seeing each other and see where it goes...
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I agree, it just hurts. Should I make it a point to see him again and maybe discuss how I feel about it? I would tell him I enjoy spending time and being with him as well...it's just unfortunate that it can't work right now. It's really up to you what you would like to do. I know it can hurt tremendously. My 4 year relationship just ended last month, and my ex lover is moving out in January... he wants to "work things out" several months down the road --- he wants me to "wait" for him until then. Not going to happen............. as much as I want to, and as much as I feel I love and adore him and perhaps always will in some form... I know it's just going to lead into more hurt. He's interested in leaving *now*, well... that tells me all I really need to know. You have to decide if this man you're currently seeing is worth risking your heart over. Three months isn't that long, but that doesn't mean people can't become attached and interested in investing themselves more to someone in that amount of time either. Still, at this stage, you can save yourself from a lot of other turmoil. I only advised moving on because it seems like he has his priorities already lined up and he probably isn't going to allow your relationship to interfere with them --- if you are okay with coming second to him and third to his goals and or whatever else there may be, then perhaps it's worth opening up more to him and letting him know you're willing to be supportive. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not because you think he'll change his mind later on... otherwise you'll be paving the way for more potential hurt. It's possible he could rearrange his priorities and move you up on his list, but that depends upon all kinds of things that can't really be known. And there's still a possibility he'd actually like you to come along and is just feeling like he'd be silly and unreasonable to suggest it so early on as well... so I definitely recommend communicating more, and to really discern where you both stand (but brace yourself in case he's really not that interested). You should probably base your decision to currently continue or not on as much information as you can acquire.
xxoo Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 That's definitely a possibility. It's just hard to think about it both ways when people are saying i'm being played? or that we should just keep seeing each other and see where it goes... What does "being played" mean to you? To me, it means misleading you, in order to get you to have sex with him. I don't see how he is doing that. My interpretation of what he is saying is: I like you, a lot. But I'm not worried about losing you. We'll see what happens. My interpretation of what you are saying is: I'm crazy about you. I don't want to lose you. From that perspective, he's not that into you. He's into you, but not as into you as you are into him.
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 It's really up to you what you would like to do. I know it can hurt tremendously. My 4 year relationship just ended last month, and my ex lover is moving out in January... he wants to "work things out" several months down the road --- he wants me to "wait" for him until then. Not going to happen............. as much as I want to, and as much as I feel I love and adore him and perhaps always will in some form... I know it's just going to lead into more hurt. He's interested in leaving *now*, well... that tells me all I really need to know. You have to decide if this man you're currently seeing is worth risking your heart over. Three months isn't that long, but that doesn't mean people can't become attached and interested in investing themselves more to someone in that amount of time either. Still, at this stage, you can save yourself from a lot of other turmoil. I only advised moving on because it seems like he has his priorities already lined up and he probably isn't going to allow your relationship to interfere with them --- if you are okay with coming second to him and third to his goals and or whatever else there may be, then perhaps it's worth opening up more to him and letting him know you're willing to be supportive. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not because you think he'll change his mind later on... otherwise you'll be paving the way for more potential hurt. It's possible he could rearrange his priorities and move you up on his list, but that depends upon all kinds of things that can't really be known. And there's still a possibility he'd actually like you to come along and is just feeling like he'd be silly and unreasonable to suggest it so early on as well... so I definitely recommend communicating more, and to really discern where you both stand (but brace yourself in case he's really not that interested). You should probably base your decision to currently continue or not on as much information as you can acquire. Thanks, this was really helpful. I guess the next time I'm with him, i'll try to communicate more and see exactly where his heads at because honestly, I feel like he thinks it's too soon to say something like that and is scared of rejection. Guys hate that...and will often do anything to avoid it
Author justagirrl Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 What does "being played" mean to you? To me, it means misleading you, in order to get you to have sex with him. I don't see how he is doing that. My interpretation of what he is saying is: I like you, a lot. But I'm not worried about losing you. We'll see what happens. My interpretation of what you are saying is: I'm crazy about you. I don't want to lose you. From that perspective, he's not that into you. He's into you, but not as into you as you are into him. I agree with your interpretation of what he is saying. That makes a lot of sense...he knows how I feel about him so I don't think he's scared of losing me...and he did say he wants to see what happens down the road..... it is just very misleading
Pfiend101 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Do you have sex everytime you see each other?
irc333 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I live in a smaller town outside of a larger town....most of the single scene is in the larger town which is about a 1 hour commute, and my social life even entails driving that far most times. Since I live in a smaller town, even remotely attractive women are married and have been married since their early 20's, and are still married now. The even MORE attractive women, you won't EVER see them UNattached. The only thing left available is probably the elderly or people that look similar to someone you had seen in the movie "Wrong Turn" (Google it, lol) 40 mins would be an answer to my prayers if I could find someone that has all their teeth that lived THAT close. LOL My last ex and I lived 45 minutes apart. He would always talk about how hard the distance was because we couldn't see each other daily. I really found no problem with it. We both trusted each other and were busy people during the week anyway and we would spend our entire weekends staying at one or the other's place. He was more of the clingy type than I and companionship was really important to him, though. While it wasn't the exact reason we broke up, I know it bothered him and probably had some hand in it since he left because "he felt alone". It really depends on the two people and their respective needs. If one's aren't being met, it isn't going to work. It's basic incompatibility.
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