confused112011 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hello, I did not know how to deal with my life right now so I decided to join this. I am divorced and been having an affair with a married man. His wife just found out and he told me he has to work on the "kids" and "home". This has been going on for over 2 years, we would see each other all the time, text, talk all day long and now I'm left here not knowing what is going on. He told her the truth but not the entire truth of it all and I just wish she would contact me so I can tell my story. I have all the messages and other things to show her so she can see what he really was about and know he is still lying. I'm sure right now he has his tail betweeen his legs to smooth it all over, I know what I did was wrong but he did tell me his plan was to be with us he told me he loved me every single day and night and made me feel loved. Now, I'm trying to pick myself up and get started but I had no closure with him nothing. I have kids of my own that need to be taken care of. I guess right now I'm looking for someone to talk to and wondering do I tell her all those things that I know, do I try to contact him to just tell him how I feel. How do you get thru this alone as no-one knew about it. I know this was a horrible things to do, it was the first and last time this will ever happen, I can't take the pain. I also understand she must be very hurt I just would like my time to tell her my side of the story b/c right now he is still lying to her.
Mr_Confused Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Id check on talkaboutmarriage-dot-com or doccool-dot-com. You may find more empathy there. Afraid betrayed spouses will bash you here. Good luck. I will try to post a reply to you later
Owl Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Not all betrayed spouses are "bashers" here on LS. With that said, I'll agree that if you're here looking for support on how to continue the affair, you're probably not going to get the kind of support you're hoping to find. If you're here looking to figure out how to get OUT of the affair, or end the relationship with OM/MM...odds are you'll find some excellent advice here oriented towards that goal. So my first advice would be for you to take stock and consider what kind of support you're hoping to find...and let us know, so that we can assist you accordingly.
TigerCub Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hey Confused, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm wondering though - why do you want so badly to tell your story to the wife? - is it to tell her he loved you - is it to make her know that she's still living a lie - or is it with the hopes that she will leave him? I am sorry for your pain I know what its like (somewhat), and yeah it really rips your heart apart, I know that, but you have the right idea about concentrating on your kids. The road ahead of you will be hard (whether you choose to finally end it all with him, or to cling on, or to fight it out for him) - all those will be tough. Honestly, if he's choosing to concentrate on the family and fixing things with his wife, take that as a hint and cut off all contact with him. IMO there is no point in talking to the wife now - but you can control your actions, and if you are concerned for the wife living a lie - you can control that and not get any more involved with this man. Good luck
reboot Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I personally see no problem with you telling her the truth, regardless of your motives for doing so, because she deserves to know. No one should have to live a lie.
Author confused112011 Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 I just want her to know my side of the story, no I don't want to tell her he loved me b/c now i realize he never did, I just want her to know he told me what he told her and it is still a lie, it's not the truth, I just try to put myself there and I think I would want to know the truth. At this point I do not even want him at all, he told me he is working on the family so I understand that means no more me they will live their happy life. I get that, I just don't want to back down and let it be trashed when she does not know my side. He has lied to me for years and will continue to lie to her, at this point I have not a thing to hide, why let him get out on top. I guess I am looking for advice on what do I do with myself right now to fill all these holes in, how do I make it thru each day without thinking what is going on with them or what to do with my time since it before involved him?!?
PhoenixRise Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Confused If you really want her to know the truth then reach out to her and let her know you are willing to talk and have proof to share with her. She may be willing to hear you out. She also may not want to hear anything from you. I think either way you will have to find your own closure.
patience82 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 like you said you have kids too... why dont you focus your attention to them.. maybe they misses you alot ... (in general) And you said .. you know that his wife is hurting too .. why do you have to hurt her more by trying to call her.. As a woman.. you know how it feels.. so dont do it too to others... Their problems are their problems not yours.. so stay away from it .. it will ruin what is left in that family and will ruin YOU more. Pick up the pieces.. feel the pain, take one day at a time,, if youre really willing to be a better person you really can do it. No matter how much it takes....
patience82 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 , at this point I have not a thing to hide, why let him get out on top. ?!? If you want to be on top .. i suggest .. dont say anything.. if you notice.. people who doesnt react on their defense are the people whos always right.. and respected and believed.
despicableME Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 He has lied to me for years and will continue to lie to her, at this point I have not a thing to hide, why let him get out on top. The bolded type is what bothers me. If he was lying to you... how can you say he cared for you? I can honsetly say that during my affair, I didn't love or care for my wife, otherwise I wouldn't have been in an affair in the first place... see the logic? People who lie to you and decieve you don't have your best interest in mind. Apparently, you saw that in him, but still continued with the affair. In regards to the issue of telling "your side of the story." I don't think it will go over very well. No matter how you paint it, you're the OW. There is NOTHING you can say that will negate the fact that you KNEW he was married, but still carried on with him.
jnj express Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Do tell your XLovers wife---she deserves to know what kind of scum she is married to, and therefore make a knowlegable decision as to her future As to you---it is sad that you are in this situation, but did you really expect a different outcome What could you have been looking for as an outcome----you just went thru a divorce, you know how tuff it is, especially settling out the property---I am sure he is trying to keep things together, so he won't lose half of everything Tis time you got yourself together, and slowly, and I do mean, slowly, and carefully , try to find a good, and decent SINGLE man----and check him out thoroughly before committing to anything
frozensprouts Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 i'm sorry that you are hurting right now... it sounds like your relationship with this guy has just ended, so the pain is very fresh. I would advise you to take some time to sort through your feelings before deciding whether or not you wish to contact his wife. I agree she needs to know the truth, but are you sure you want to be the one to tell her? Each betrayed spouse is different, and may respond in different ways to the news that their spouse has been having an affair. Just speaing for myself, I would have been angry at my husband's other woman had she been the one who told me , but again, that's just me. If you feel she needs to know, is there any way thagt you can let her know anonomously so that you don't get dragged into it? Give yourself some time to heal, focus on your kids and do some extra nice things for yourself. Get out there and meet some new people that have no association with "married guy"...not necessarily to date, but just as friends who may help take your mind off of him and back onto your own life.Maybe even try something you've always wanted to try but never got to...some people say that really helps get them back to where they want to be in life. It's hard...but keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get through this.
Breezy Trousers Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) Tough question for you --- Did you care that much about this man's wife when you enabled him to lie to her for two years? If not, your motives are suspect. Don't do it. That woman's relationship with her husband is none of your business anyway. Let it go and walk away so you can focus on yourself and your children again. That's your business. As long as you remain attached to this couple's marriage, you won't have time to explore greater possibilities for yourself. You're probably grieving. Anger is a stage of that. You're always welcome here but you might find it helpful to explore the OW/OM board, too. Most are trying to recover from affairs over there. I learned a lot there myself. Edited December 1, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
MrWombat Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) I am divorced and been having an affair with a married man. Well, there's your problem right there. No need to go on, really. His wife just found out and he told me he has to work on the "kids" and "home". This has been going on for over 2 years, we would see each other all the time, text, talk all day long and now I'm left here not knowing what is going on. What is "going on" is that he has been cheating on his wife, she has found out. You know - you'd be able nto make much more sense of all this if you were capable of seeing things from someone else's point of view, not just your own. he told me he loved me every single day and night and made me feel loved. Yes, that's generally what's involved in getting sex off a woman. At least you have enough honesty to not pretend that you felt love for him. You felt loved, but what you felt for him in return was not love, but hope. The strong, bad feeling you are having now is named "disappointment". If you use the right words for things, it all becomes much clearer. Now, I'm trying to pick myself up and get started but I had no closure with him nothing. I have kids of my own that need to be taken care of. Again, the "other person's point of view" might help you here. He has a wife, kids, house, and you expect him to pay alimony, child support and support you? He's facing a life of inescapable debt, and you think that he'll risk that so you can have "closure"? I guess right now I'm looking for someone to talk to and wondering do I tell her all those things that I know, do I try to contact him to just tell him how I feel. If you do, you might get a lesson in just how little your feelings matter to other people, particularly a woman whose husband you have been trying to steal. I can't take the pain. Oh yes you can. And you will. Edited December 1, 2011 by MrWombat
18Years2Late Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Well, there's your problem right there. No need to go on, really. What is "going on" is that he has been cheating on his wife, she has found out. You know - you'd be able nto make much more sense of all this if you were capable of seeing things from someone else's point of view, not just your own. Yes, that's generally what's involved in getting sex off a woman. At least you have enough honesty to not pretend that you felt love for him. You felt loved, but what you felt for him in return was not love, but hope. The strong, bad feeling you are having now is named "disappointment". If you use the right words for things, it all becomes much clearer. Again, the "other person's point of view" might help you here. He has a wife, kids, house, and you expect him to pay alimony, child support and support you? He's facing a life of inescapable debt, and you think that he'll risk that so you can have "closure"? If you do, you might get a lesson in just how little your feelings matter to other people, particularly a woman whose husband you have been trying to steal. Oh yes you can. And you will. He's Baaaaaaaaaack I'm sorry your hurting OP...it sucks...trust me...I know...and we're definitely not alone...but it does get easier and I promise one day you'll wake up and say WTF did I ever see in that a$$clown...not to say you won't be sad and miss him and cry and get angry in the meantime but it's not crippling like it is right now...you might find more support over in the OW/OM section...that's where I belong...you can always come back here and read or participate as I do on occassion when you're feeling better about things...you will find it most helpful (one day) as I do to understand all sides of the triangle...but maybe not when the wounds are so fresh...reading about the hurt that you and MM caused the BS over here in this section will definitely help with no repeating patterns later...when you're ready... Take Care...see you on the other side...
18Years2Late Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Oh almost forgot... PLEASE don't get involved with "telling" BS anything...UNLESS she asks...if she asks questions...you answer them 100% truthfully...just the question...no more no less...DO NOT lie to her to protect your MM...he's not doing the same for you and she deserves the truth IF and ONLY IF she asks...if you contact her...the drama will ensue and may never stop...NEVER contact her first...could be used as evidence of harassment if she files a RO to keep you away from her H...walk away from him...he doesn't deserve you...cry...scream...punch walls...write nasty letters to him and burn them but never send them...then when you're ready move on with your dignity intact...
standtall Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Confused, you would be better served to end this thread and repost it on the OM/OW forum.
Trimmer Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 If you really want her to know the truth then reach out to her and let her know you are willing to talk and have proof to share with her. She may be willing to hear you out. She also may not want to hear anything from you. I think either way you will have to find your own closure. And I would like to emphasize - if you really are trying to contact her to do the right thing, then if she chooses not to speak with you, please show her respect by following her wishes. Please understand that she doesn't owe you anything - you can't expect her to play a part in your "closure." You are not entitled to any contribution from her. But it may be that if you can begin your closure process by doing the right thing (and it will be a process, and it will be your process to handle...) then simply by an honest offer to talk, and by accepting and respecting any response she gives, that could start you on your way.
Mr_Confused Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Your motives sound more vindictive than in the interest of helping to me. If she wants to know more, let her contact you. If they are to reconcile he'll have to tell her everything she wants to know - if she wants to talk to you she'll find you.
nofool4u Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Hello, I did not know how to deal with my life right now so I decided to join this. I am divorced and been having an affair with a married man. His wife just found out and he told me he has to work on the "kids" and "home". This has been going on for over 2 years, we would see each other all the time, text, talk all day long and now I'm left here not knowing what is going on. He told her the truth but not the entire truth of it all and I just wish she would contact me so I can tell my story. I have all the messages and other things to show her so she can see what he really was about and know he is still lying. I'm sure right now he has his tail betweeen his legs to smooth it all over, I know what I did was wrong but he did tell me his plan was to be with us he told me he loved me every single day and night and made me feel loved. Now, I'm trying to pick myself up and get started but I had no closure with him nothing. I have kids of my own that need to be taken care of. I guess right now I'm looking for someone to talk to and wondering do I tell her all those things that I know, do I try to contact him to just tell him how I feel. How do you get thru this alone as no-one knew about it. I know this was a horrible things to do, it was the first and last time this will ever happen, I can't take the pain. I also understand she must be very hurt I just would like my time to tell her my side of the story b/c right now he is still lying to her. There is an OM/OW forum at this site.
nofool4u Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Id check on talkaboutmarriage-dot-com or doccool-dot-com. You may find more empathy there. Afraid betrayed spouses will bash you here. Most in this section of the site are here because they have been betrayed. And some, not all, probably get tired of hearing cheating sob stories. What reaction would you expect from most when someone comes into a forum full of people that have suffered at the hands of of people like them, telling the woe is me cheating story? Some will treat them with kid gloves, others don't have any sympathy for them. Which is why I directed her to the OW/OM forum. She'll get coddling there.
nofool4u Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I just want her to know my side of the story And she may want to hear it, but the odds are against it. What makes you think the betrayed wife wants to hear how the woman that was knowingly sleeping with her husband is in pain? Last thing I wanted was to hear from the OM. I just wanted my wife to become my x-wife. no I don't want to tell her he loved me b/c now i realize he never did, I just want her to know he told me what he told her and it is still a lie But you only want to tell her NOW that things are over. Cheaters are liars by default. It was ok to be with him as long as he was cheating and lying to his wife, but not now that its over. it's not the truth, I just try to put myself there and I think I would want to know the truth. She deserved the truth when you 2 were still together, no? Again, you didn't care much about he knowing the truth until now. Now that its over. But I'll back up. Yes, I think she deserves the truth. Yes, I think you should tell her. I just don't agree with why you want to tell her, and why now. At this point I do not even want him at all, he told me he is working on the family so I understand that means no more me they will live their happy life. Oh don't fool yourself. If happiness means she is going to keep him in line, and that he knows she looks at him here and there with the knowledge that he was messing around with another woman, it aint all going to be roses. I get that, I just don't want to back down and let it be trashed when she does not know my side. He has lied to me for years and will continue to lie to her, at this point I have not a thing to hide, why let him get out on top. Ah, but if he chose you over his wife, that would then be ok. Just as I thought. This isn't about thinking she deserves the truth, this is about revenge. But hey, sure, tell her your "side". Then leave her alone. I guess I am looking for advice on what do I do with myself right now to fill all these holes in, how do I make it thru each day without thinking what is going on with them or what to do with my time since it before involved him?!? You were involved in an affair with a married man. You knew he was a liar, but as long as he was with you, it didn't matter. You overlooked it. Because cheaters are liars by default. But you can't control what happens. You can only move on and work on your life. And find someone who is available for you.
ThinkBelieve Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 YIKES!!!!.....I don't post too often here, but I keep looking at this post, while trying to look at the others, this post disturbs me. Probably because I believe silence is sacred in certain conditions. That is THEIR business. Let them work it out. He has a family. Meddling in someone else's business will get you into trouble. And confronting the BS will just increase the hurt for EVERYONE. I mean this in the most sincere way, find a hobby or something to keep you busy. It doesn't sound like you work, but I may be mistaken. I agree with the other posters, you would be better off on the OW/OM side.
Mr_Confused Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Most in this section of the site are here because they have been betrayed. And some, not all, probably get tired of hearing cheating sob stories. What reaction would you expect from most when someone comes into a forum full of people that have suffered at the hands of of people like them, telling the woe is me cheating story? Some will treat them with kid gloves, others don't have any sympathy for them. Which is why I directed her to the OW/OM forum. She'll get coddling there. You typed all that to agree with me. I feel like we are bonding...xoxo
Breezy Trousers Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Most in this section of the site are here because they have been betrayed. And some, not all, probably get tired of hearing cheating sob stories. What reaction would you expect from most when someone comes into a forum full of people that have suffered at the hands of of people like them, telling the woe is me cheating story? Some will treat them with kid gloves, others don't have any sympathy for them. Which is why I directed her to the OW/OM forum. She'll get coddling there.[/QUOTE] Actually, NoFool, there's just as much tough love over at the OW/OM board -- BY former OW/OM -- as here. There is also a bit more understanding and compassion.
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