Anna_broken Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 My ex bf dumped me a month ago after 4 years of relationship. (He is 31, I am 27) We had a great relationship, never had a big fight, had fun together. He was always loving, caring, tender, everything I could I ask for. One day, he comes out of the blue, at least for me, and announces that he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more. We had spent the previous night together, we made our travel plans for Christmas holidays, asked me to have the day off at his birthday to spend all day together. He leaves the house to do some shopping before work, he calls me asking me if I want him to buy the same perfume or a different one. I had to choose it because I would be the one to smell it on him... I never did, he called two hours later to break up! He never showed any sign, didn't become cold or distanced, ever. It was him that was contacting when we were not together to tell me even what he ate. The BU reason was that he does not know where he stands in life and that he was in a relationship for the last 4 years, they were great but enough he wants to be alone now and do his stuff. He isn't satissfied with his job and career, need to focus on that, he doesn't like that he still lives with his parents and sister. He is not interested in women or going out with his friends, he wants no women for the next year. He also said that he is not the commitment guy, he may never want to settle down so it would be better for me to find a guy that will want to get married (I didn't care about getting married, I never asked him anything like this). He said he loves me, there is nothing I did wrong, he cares about me and want us to have some contact. If he wanted to spend his life with a woman, I would be the one, but he doesn't. He also said he will probably regret it, but it is his decision and will have to deal with that. Anyway, I didn't cry, beg etc, I accepted his decision. There was no one else in the picture, I have found out that he rarely leaves his home, he only goes to work, he spends the nights at home where his family lives, too. After the break up I called him a few days post BU to see if he changed his mind. We just had a short how you are doing talking, he said he wanted to contact,too, but it was too soon and difficult for him. Two weeks post BU was his birthday. I didn't want to call him. I sent him a simple happy bday text. He called me the very next second, told me he was expecting a call and earlier (it was afternoon) he was very friendly, asking my news. I kept it short. No contact since then, it's been a month after BU. I didn't manage to understand him till now, how he changed in a few hours. Was he pretending and lying for some time before BU? Why he never said anything or show a sign that there was something wrong? I was in a complete shock! And now the usual question... Of course I want him back... What can I do to have a chance? I dont want to put any pressure on him and ruin everything. Do you have any similar stories to share? How did they end? I am preparing for the worst, of course. I try to move on, doing my stuff, too, but I want to do something, just once, I will not be able to completely move on knowing that I didn't fight for it. Thank you for taking time to read it and reply.
bbronco Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hey Anna....sorry this happened to you! It's a tough situation, I know. I broke up with my ex for the reasons your ex gave you. I told him he needed time to focus on himself and get his job and finances on track. But ultimately what ends up happening during this "time" that they have..is probably not a lot of changes. It's almost like, they still have all their friends? Still go out on the weekends? Still work out? They pretty much have the same routine as while they were with you...except, suddenly life is so much easier and they have so much more time not having a gf!? I feel like I wasn't that intrusive and the comfort at the end of night...talk to me about life and cuddle up at nights. How does that set a person off-track so that they can't focus on achieving their goals and career aspirations??? Thinking in these terms...you just pretty much have to let them see if space to fix their life is really that beneficial for them. If they actually accomplish a lot without you or if they realize that reaching these goals is something they'll be striving for their whole life. There will always be a new focus and a new stress in life...the key is learning to balance this while giving your relationship the attention it deserves. If he can't do this, then cut him loose and let him actually not experience having you in his life at all while he goes about making improvements for himself.
Milocat Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 The BU reason was that he does not know where he stands in life and that he was in a relationship for the last 4 years, they were great but enough he wants to be alone now and do his stuff. He isn't satissfied with his job and career, need to focus on that, he doesn't like that he still lives with his parents and sister. He is not interested in women or going out with his friends, he wants no women for the next year. He also said that he is not the commitment guy, he may never want to settle down so it would be better for me to find a guy that will want to get married (I didn't care about getting married, I never asked him anything like this). . After 4 years he was afraid of commitment?
Author Anna_broken Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 After 4 years he was afraid of commitment? He was afraid that after 4 years we should do something, get engaged, married or even live together. And he said he is not ready for this, he is not sure if he want to do these things in his life. I never asked him to do anything. He was 31 and never made the decision to move out from his parents house. Although he pretended that he wanted to. He could do this, finacially speaking, but I believe he was afraid to lose the comfort he was used to.
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