NasirUK Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 NEW MEMBER Hi people! I'm Nasir and I am new here and decided to join to share my experience and maybe help others out too. I'm soon to be 21 and I hope to meet some cool people and have a good time! I have a problem and am looking for advice about my previous girlfriend, in my life right now the only person I can go to for advice is her and its stupid to attempt to ask for it from her (believe me I've tried!) Sorry for the length :o Set the scene It's been 8 months since we broke up. I needed time for myself, I was doubting myself. She said if I took the break it was over. I did not feel I could fix myself inside the relationship so I took the break and we were over. I did not contact her for three or four days after I, technically the broke up with her. But have kept in contact after that. I have been through and still am going through the depression of losing her as my partner. We promised eachother forever, pictured having our own kids and many other things too. We were in love. Recent times 8 months later, we are trying to be friends. Sometimes she considers me her "close friend" and other times I become just another "friend" this really gets to me considering the things we had been through. The thing is when we are distant, I need her in my life because she is my rock. She can just cheer me up in seconds and bring the real me out when I feel down. When we are close, I fall in love with her again. For example, we were sat on the floor of the library. We decided to go to our own homes, I helped her up with my hands and she continued to hold my hand for a small time and let go. Another example, we hug alot and in the cinema too. She has said time and time again, that it is over. Yet, during our friendship time she has said I have really grown on her and change in better ways, I do not understand why I have become a "no-go" area to her. I have tried to move on with other people, but I can't let it/don't allow myself for it to develop any further because I care for my ex so much. My questions What do I do? I cannot just erase her from my memory, I can't just forget her.We are very close friends. I sometimes ruin it with my deep feelings to her (which make her feel pressured) and we have "started again" many times - How do I avoid being this way and still maintain a friendship?What if she finds someone else? I don't have a issue with that, I just will find it hard to be really sincere or care. How should I respond to this? Closing notes Ideally I just want to be a cool guy to hang around with her, have a laugh and be cool. I know alot of people cut their ties once the relationship is over, but we have agreed not to.I read somewhere the deepest love causes the deepest pain, yeah I feel that pain.I know we are done in terms of a relationship, but I still kid myself by falling in love. I make a fool out of myself in front of her alot.Oh sorry that this is kind of in an essay format, been doing essays and been on a computer all day! Thanks in advance for advice Nasir! Oh if the moderator/administrator feels this thread is wrongly placed, please move it accordingly. I wasn't sure if I should put it under friendship or break ups.
Ariadne Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hi Nasir, You are so cute! Welcome to the forum. She said if I took the break it was over.Well, if she still loves you and likes to hang with you, holding to those words is just being pride. I guess if she loves you she should give you another chance if you prove to her that you are serious about it. But if it doesn't work out, you are still young, and this will be one of those experiences that people go through. Good luck with the girl.
Author NasirUK Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Well we spoke to eachother over MSN, for a few hours. She came home from the gym, she has made friends with a guy from there for a while now. Its hard listening to her say things like "eye candy" and "Phwoar" when she describes him. He is much older too which is makes me feel like I can't compete, he has his career, a nice car and I'm a "work in progress" compared. Its hard to be a good friend, but it wouldn't be good of me to not be her friend too. I don't want to be a burden to her because I want her to be happy... ... I made mistakes in the relationship, and I have improved massively, I bought her a new perfume to show a change and continue to be try so hard. My emotions do get in the way because I care deeply and she doesn't. It's crazy but I thought the second I become much better towards to her, she'd want that too. Blah.. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. Part of me cares alot for her and accepts the relationship is done (my brain) the other part loves her and falls for her over small/minor things (my heart) such as her smile or when her eyes twinkle when she looks at me. Affair of the heart? She tells me that she has moved on (but is not with anyone) and she is just looking forward. I have told her I am only available to her, but I do talk to other women I just don't put myself out there - I'm not ready. I don't really know what I'm asking for here, some reasurrane or something. - Nasir
Jono85 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I think it seems fairly obvious. You're still in love with her. You cannot try to be friends with her while you have all these feelings. Imagine when she tells you about a new bf and you're picturing them making out and doing all sorts of things. It will crush you. What I would do, is open up to her one last time. Tell her how much you care about her, how you still love her, and would love to start slow but try things again (assuming that's what you want, to be with her). If she still doesn't want to or doesn't see that happening, tell her you can't be friends with her. It really doesn't matter what you guys promised. You can't be friends with a girl you love, it doesn't work. You need to look after your self first and foremost, and clearly you're a bit of a mess in this situation. Time to go for it, and if it doesn't work out with her, start the healing process withOUT her and you will feel much better with lots of time.
Ariadne Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Its hard to be a good friend, but it wouldn't be good of me to not be her friend too. I don't want to be a burden to her because I want her to be happy... I respect you for that, that's very nice of you. Here in the forum they tend to go "NC" like a religion. That is, never talk to that person again if you care for her, etc. Wishing you the best.
Author NasirUK Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Thanks for your message - its good to smile about something So today, we met for lunch. It has taken me time to admit to her my side of the break up, partly because I tend to do things without thinking and just do. Lately I really thought about why we broke up. Well, I needed time for myself, I was having doubts about me and not her. I don't have as many qualification or a job as good as hers (I'm studying) and yeah... I had no self-esteem or confidence and this was starting to show before the conclusion of our relationship. I told her I needed space to figure if I am the person you say I am. ("the one") ... I now feel as though I have shot myself in the foot twice. Once for being selfish and letting go, and two for never getting the chance to have her as my woman again (non-possessive context haha) -- Well, we had lunch together, she gave me her card and said I should pay using her card, and i said ok. I used mine instead and told her and she found that cute. Later, we discussed the above. To be honest right now, I do care alot for her and my heart is very warm to her. I think because I am in love with her and she is not, I become frustrated and agitated around her sometimes. I know this may scare her and in a good way we "pinkie-promised" eachother and I said I wouldn't cause or raise things which are likely to engage an argument - which was nice. We left the day smiling. -- This post is a little jumbled, the hyphens ("--") separate some of it but the order is random haha. Last night I was working and I really didnt want to be there I almost had a emotional breakdown but didn't. I care for her alot and I feel like an ungrateful kid - in the sense I'm not getting what I want and seemingly moaning all the time haha. -- Well today, I thought I should make steps in moving away from my heartache (without passing it onto someone else!) and I spoke to a girl and we had some small talk which was nice and friendly but nothing more. -- I guess right now the break up has sunk in, I'm definately all cried out. My previous girlfriend will always have a special place inside my heart, she helped me find my way when no-one else would. I'm going to help her by being a good friend of hers despite our history and misfortunates. We will always spend have good memories and maybe some not so good ones, but I know that friendship is something I can accept and is strong too __ Oh @Ariadne Yes, I agree with you alot of people seem to do this NC/no contact thing - it was hard in this situation for us because we have known eachother since we were 5 years old and I confessd to her when I was just 10 I really liked her (unaware of love) and she remembered me saying that, then we had an amazing relationship which sadly ended because of my insecurities. It took me along time to realise that you cannot fix the past but you can fix the present and work on the future, sometimes the present is the man in the mirror (me) and I know this sounds a little uppity but I don't think you can love yourself until you can find love of yourself and be more confident. I feel like a snail for not making myself aware of this earlier on. Well in short, we will be good friends/close friends and that is all. It will be strange when we both find someone new or at least one of us does - but what is done is done. We can only look onwards. Wow, this is alot!! Sorry for typing haha alot, I was kind of laughing at myself a little for being such a crybaby
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