Saturn Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) I am married and have ended it with MM. I felt like I really loved this guy yet he had some horrible characteristics that I would normally run mile from..playing games, ignoring, name calling where you werent sure in jest. Just wondered if other people had had similar thoughts about men they went for? Are they normally men you would have stayed away from ie emotional issues...why do you think we are drawn to these men? Its been really difficult to end it, I have cried buckets, not been able to get out of bed, am on anti depressants and due for counselling...finally decided enough was enough. But I have been back many tmes, cant seem to let go and worse for me he knows it. Just wondered peoples thoughts on their situations... Edited November 30, 2011 by Saturn Got interrupted :)
Owl Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well, given that you're both married...I'd wager you wanted to be a bad girl and found a bad boy to play with. If he was a 'good guy'...he wouldn't have cheated with you. Instead, you got someone who is emotionally unstable enough to participate willingly in the situation. Here's my question...what are you DOING to "get over him"? What actions are you taking to find what was missing in your marriage, to rebuild that relationship to a point where you don't feel compelled to be fulfilled outside of it? What are you and your H doing to repair the damage to the relationship caused by your infidelity? Changing your focus onto that helps to remove your focus on the other guy.
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I hope you follow up on the counseling. Much has been written lately regarding love attachment styles, and how you were loved in childhood (or not) forms the blueprint of how you perceive love and attach to and grow attracted to others in adulthood. If you realize you are making unhealthy choices for yourself, a good counselor can help you immensely. But it is not easy and often very painful when the real work is done. Good luck to you. Make and keep that appointment please.
Author Saturn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Its very new so at the moment I dont feel very strong, my counselling session assessment is next week so I hope to be able to gain some strength from that. Hub doesnt know and I dont intend telling him, the reason I went for this man I feel goes beyond marriage issues and probably touches on co dependancy/neediness/trying to change someone issues. Although granted I need to address some things that made me 'look' in the first place. I have a lot of self esteem issues I need to look at. I know I made the right decision because of the way he behaved and things said but right now it hurts like hell and I want him back ;( Edited November 30, 2011 by Saturn added explanation
Owl Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well, here's my suggestion. DO tell your H. Explain the entire situation to him, spell it out clearly for him. Let him know that you NEED HIS HELP. He can help you "get over" the other man, if you're honest with him and if there's enough love and foundation in your marriage to deal with this. It also evens the scales between you and him. It gives the two of you an even keel to rebuild the marriage from. Not telling him means forcing him to remain married to you as a lie. It means that he'll remain married to you under false pretenses...you're denying him the choice to remain married to you or not, in light of this pertinent information. You're also denying him the opportunity to step forward and help you, and help defend and protect your marriage if that's his choice. If you want to remove your focus off of the OM...do this. You'll have no choice but to change your focus onto your marriage, your H, and yourself.
Author Saturn Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) Thank you Owl but I just cant do that, it would break him. I feel its my secret that I have to live with, it would just cause too much hurt and upset. I feel the best way is to do the counselling, figure out why I chose that path and make sure it never happens again. Its not like I am always getting my head turned by men, like I said I just need to deal with the emotions and make sure it doesnt happen again. I met the guy twice, I am not in contact with him in my every day life, it was an emotional rollercoaster and I made a mistake. Please can I also add that it wasnt the sex, I just felt very lonely, the man gave me some attention but then drew back. I became needy, fed into that, like I said I made a big mistake. I appreciate your opinion Owl honestly I do but telling hub is not an option. Edited December 1, 2011 by Saturn
reboot Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Thank you Owl but I just cant do that, it would break him. I feel its my secret that I have to live with, it would just cause too much hurt and upset. You aren't worried about "breaking him". You're worried about the consequences YOU will suffer. Why is it OK to make him live a lie? Deceiving him is in HIS best interests, right? What a selfish joke.
stillafool Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 You aren't worried about "breaking him". You're worried about the consequences YOU will suffer. Why is it OK to make him live a lie? Deceiving him is in HIS best interests, right? What a selfish joke. I agree. If you ask me your husband should be on anti-depressants.
Author Saturn Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Yes Reboot I am worried about that also but I dont see how telling hub would possibly improve the situation, I am working on things to make sure it does not happen again, please dont blast me I came here for help.
Author Saturn Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) Still a fool, thats a cruel thing to say, I came here for help, why do so many people feel the need to be cruel, I made a mistake nobody is perfect. I have a young family, its not just me, I am really upset by these comments. I am trying to put right a mistake, its nearly christmas, telling my husband for so many reasons is not an option I am just crying out for help but I really dont need blasting, I know I made a mistake. Edited December 1, 2011 by Saturn
alexandria35 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Still a fool, thats a cruel thing to say, I came here for help, why do so many people feel the need to be cruel, I made a mistake nobody is perfect. I have a young family, its not just me, I am really upset by these comments. I am trying to put right a mistake, its nearly christmas, telling my husband for so many reasons is not an option I am just crying out for help but I really dont need blasting, I know I made a mistake. Nobody here is blasting for having made a past mistake. It's your choice to continue deceiving your husband that has prompted the comments you don't like. You can call people here cruel but what you are doing to your husband is cruel. I dare say he would likely find your lies and deceit far more cruel than any of the comments here. It's not like you chose to end your affair because you love your husband so much right? Sounds like the guy you were involved with turned out to be an ass and that's why the affair ended. Well sort of ended. By reading your first post it kind of sounds like you want it to end (because it hurts you, not because of any loyalty to your husband) but you keep going back for more. I suspect had it not been for game playing, ignoring, name calling that you spoke about in your op that you would still be very much involved with the guy. IMO that is very cruel treatment of a spouse.
reboot Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I'm not blasting anyone, merely speaking from experience. I can tell you for a fact, he would want to know the truth. It will be far less painful in the long run.
pureinheart Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 You aren't worried about "breaking him". You're worried about the consequences YOU will suffer. Why is it OK to make him live a lie? Deceiving him is in HIS best interests, right? What a selfish joke. You know this how? I'm not blasting anyone, merely speaking from experience. I can tell you for a fact, he would want to know the truth. It will be far less painful in the long run. Same as above....
ageofaquarius Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I am married and have ended it with MM. I felt like I really loved this guy yet he had some horrible characteristics that I would normally run mile from..playing games, ignoring, name calling where you werent sure in jest. Just wondered if other people had had similar thoughts about men they went for? Are they normally men you would have stayed away from ie emotional issues...why do you think we are drawn to these men? Its been really difficult to end it, I have cried buckets, not been able to get out of bed, am on anti depressants and due for counselling...finally decided enough was enough. But I have been back many tmes, cant seem to let go and worse for me he knows it. Just wondered peoples thoughts on their situations... I am sorry for your pain; I also can completely understand it! I have been in your exact shoes; however, I think you should question who this is really about? It's not about OM or H, it's about YOU! And YOU are worth better than all of this. It seems to me that you are in pain and I can relate. it hurts, I get that, but try and live your life as honestly as possible--for yourself and for those that you have relationships with
Severely Unamused Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I'm curious Saturn, did you and your husband ever just sit down and ask "If either of us end up having an affair, what would our plan be?"
flutterbykiss Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 In all honesty Saturn, it doesn't sound like you liked this guy very much. You used the word 'horrible' and yet you felt that you loved him and are lost without him. I've been reading some research that claims that people generally cheat to meet a need that isn't being met in their marriage. Is it possible that the loss of whatever you were getting out of the affair is what is hurting you so much? I know it's not the loss of the OM's poor taste jokes If so, then addressing those issues in your primary relationship is going to be really important if you want 1) to be happy and 2) to not be led off into another affair. This is why a lot of people suggest that you need to tell your spouse - so you can work together on fixing the cause of the affair and fulfilling the needs you went outside the marriage to fill. It's up to you to decide what you do or don't tell your H but I do suggest you find a way to work with him on your relationship. You never know... if you can repair that you might soon stop missing the OM, at all.
jj33 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Saturn while I appreciate the fact that a spouse has a right to know and needs to know to rebuild trust and the foundations of the relationship, I admire the fact that you have really owned this. You have admitted to yourself that the reasons that you had this affair are about you and certain issues within yourself and you are getting help. Your husband must be very worried about you but your depression stems not from the affair but whatever issues you are battling with. It may be that they relate to the marriage and unmet needs or resentments you werent even aware of but you will be able to explore this in counselling. I hope you get the help that you need and if the first counsellor isnt the right person for you dont be shy about going to someone else until you find a counsellor who wont judge you and will work with you in a constructive way. Take good care of yourself
reboot Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 You know this how? Same as above.... I speak from experience.
skywriter Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I speak from experience. With all due respect, "your experience", doesn't mean one size fits all.
Owl Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 With all due respect, "your experience", doesn't mean one size fits all. Perhaps not...but I'd note that it seems to me that a formerly betrayed spouse would be in the best position of anyone "in the triangle" to hazard an accurate judgement as to what another betrayed spouse would prefer. And if you bother to review all the threads of betrayed spouses posted here on LS, you'll probably see an overwhelming majority fall into that same category of "would want to know". And on the other side of this...if you review all these threads of those who choose to withold that information from their spouse...you'll see a recurrent theme of self-serving behavior, rather than a focus on what's best for their marriage or their spouse. Simple enough...odds are...her H would want to know, and odds are, she's truly not telling him NOT out of some sense of duty or honor towards him, but really from a conflict avoidance stance more than anything else.
reboot Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 With all due respect, "your experience", doesn't mean one size fits all. All any of us can do is to speak from our own experiences. People that come here asking for advice know there's no single God-like person that can give them answers. All they can do is weigh the different advices given and choose their own path. Anything I say is nothing more than advice and personal opinion based on my experiences, and it's worth nothing more, or less, than yours. But thanks for playing.
skywriter Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Right Owl and Reboot, Please, don't get me wrong, when I say that one size doesn't fit all. I believe the majority would and makes sense that they would want to know the truth. I only say what I'm saying because of the spouses that I knowpersonally that deliberatly turn a blind eye to what their spouses are doing behind their backs and under their noses. I said something to a girlfriend of mine about how her H was disresepecting her and she turned on me and got defensive. So, no, I learned the hard way not to go there. Then, there is the fact, that I feel for myself, not knowing these people . Who's to say how they are gonna react towards being betrayed. Who knows, someone could get hurt, hurt another , have a heart attack, whatever.
Owl Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Right Owl and Reboot, Please, don't get me wrong, when I say that one size doesn't fit all. I believe the majority would and makes sense that they would want to know the truth. I only say what I'm saying because of the spouses that I knowpersonally that deliberatly turn a blind eye to what their spouses are doing behind their backs and under their noses. I said something to a girlfriend of mine about how her H was disresepecting her and she turned on me and got defensive. So, no, I learned the hard way not to go there. Then, there is the fact, that I feel for myself, not knowing these people . Who's to say how they are gonna react towards being betrayed. Who knows, someone could get hurt, hurt another , have a heart attack, whatever. If that's the premise and concern that people should be operating under...then the affair should never have happened in the first place...the affair partners would have determined that risk and not engaged each other to begin with. Sure...telling is a risk...but it's surely less of a "risk" and more COMPASSIONATE a risk than having the affair in the first place, no?
Owl Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 So...we agree...in a perfect world, there'd be no reason to tell anything...there'd be nothing to tell. Since it's not a perfect world...we all do what we feel is the best possible thing we could do. Most of us who have been in the position of the BW/BH have noted that the best thing to do is to tell them. The only real reasons not to tell nearly always boil down to avoiding conflict, and avoiding responsibility for your actions. Let's face it...it's darned painful to have to admit something like that to someone who trusted you. If compassion really were the prime motivator...there'd be nothing to tell. The fact that there is somethign to tell generally indicates that compassion is NOT the prime motivating factor here. It's self-serving to have an affair...and self-serving to avoid responsibility and maintain that lie to the person you betrayed.
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