unsure01 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 For a little background, I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. We have a great relationship - we have great chemistry (emotional and physical), lots of common interests, and similar senses of humor. We spend a lot of time together and always have fun together. He really is great to me - when we are apart he contacts me daily through text or phone. He is always planning fun things for us to do together and makes a huge effort to participate in my interests, which is really nice (for example, I used to study classical music, and though he's never been interested in classical music, he purchased multiple sets of tickets for us to go to the symphony together and has really been enjoying it). I've met most of his friends and they all seem to like me. When we first began dating we talked about past relationships a little bit. He mentioned that he is still friends with his most recent ex. Assuming he meant that they were pleasant around each other and not a whole lot more (foolish of me), I proceeded with the relationship. I've since realized that it's more than just being pleasant to each other. They have a lot of common friends and therefore hang out fairly regularly (I'd guess a couple of times a month). He never tells me specifically that he's hanging out with her, but when I text him and ask how his night is going and he says something like "just hanging out with friends," I know that it includes her (since otherwise he mentions names, and I think he doesn't want to upset me by mentioning her). They also text regularly, but then again he is very social and a big "texter" and maintains daily text communication with most of his friends. About 4 months into our relationship I confronted him about my discomfort with the situation. It came to a head when we were out together at a local band's concert (at this time we were only able to see each other once or twice a week) and he was texting with her while we were together (I could see his phone out of the corner of my eye and could see that it was her). From what I could see it was just idle chit chat, but it really bothered me. We weren't able to spend a lot of time together and it seemed disrespectful for him to be texting friends, especially his ex, during the time we were able to spend together. So after the concert that night, I told him all of this. That I felt uncomfortable with the level of friendship between them, that it really bothered me that he texted her while we were together. He was extremely understanding and agreed that it was rude and insensitive of him to be texting her while we were spending our limited time together. As for their friendship, he gave me some background about their relationship. They were together for 6 years, with a 6-month gap about 3 years in when she cheated on him and he broke up with her. When they got back together they lived together, but he said things were never really the same. Over the years their intimacy fizzled out, and he said it was like "living with a roommate." They came to a mutual agreement that the relationship wasn't working out and they'd be better off as friends. This was around 1.5-2 years ago. He assured me that while they were friends, and he cared about her as he did any of his friends, that was all there was between them. Since we had this conversation, our relationship has been great. He makes even more of an effort than he did before to make me feel special and express his feelings for me. But of course he's still friends with the ex, I'm assuming they still hang out (although he never mentions her specifically, and I'm not one to pry), and I know they still text/talk on the phone (though not while we're together anymore). I know I will get a lot of responses that will say "I would never date anyone who is friends with an ex, it is an automatic dealbreaker," and the like. To be honest, I always thought I would be that way too. But this guy is amazing, and everything I've ever wanted in a partner. He's funny, intelligent, caring, kind, thoughtful, successful, handsome, charismatic...the list goes on. So I guess the question is - considering that every other aspect of our relationship is great - should I let this be a dealbreaker?
Author unsure01 Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Any responses? I could really use some objective opinions. If it helps at all, I'm 24 and he is 31.
rightfield Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Are you ever included in the "hanging out with friends" situations where she is there? If not, why not? Why wouldn't he want to include you in at least some activities with that group of friends?
lemonlegs Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Are you ever included in the "hanging out with friends" situations where she is there? If not, why not? Why wouldn't he want to include you in at least some activities with that group of friends? Yeah, you say you've met most of his friends. Why haven't you met her if he's so close to her? 7 months if a fair amount of time being with someone, I find it strange that if he talks with her/sees her frequently, and you haven't met her once. If you meet her, you can examine how they interact with each other and make a judgment for yourself.
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 agree, if they're just friends, there's nothing wrong with you being there. and yeah you should establish boundaries, like you did with the texting while you two were out together. normal people apologize about answering the phone period when they're out on a date, no matter who is on the other end of the line. talking to an ex is well beyond that.
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