mike588 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 So many of us dumpees want or wanted or ex. to come back but have you given it alot of thought if they did? Now for some dumpees to where the breakup was caused by an arguement or something petty and it hasn't been along time I can see where it may work but for us dumpees who have been cheated on,lied to etc. could you ever get past that and welcome them back? How would you act? what could you possibly say? It would be so uncomfortable I wouldn't know where to start. With all the pain, resentment,anger that we had do you really believe you could just bury it, forget it, pretend that it didn't happen because your so thrilled to have him/her back and "hoping" it will work? Do you really want to walk on egg shells?,, worried that may happen again,,if you were cheated on how would you feel if they came home late,or walked away from you when their phone rang or went out with their friends one night without you etc. It's all about trust and when that trust has been shattered it's almost impossible to rebuild it,,are you really willing to put all the effort back in the relationship when you could just move on and find someone who won't hurt you,,someone you can trust and who will really love you or do you always want to be looking over your shoulder? Do you really want to live like that? Think about it,, remember be careful what you wish for you may just get it! By the way I'm not asking for advise on this thread,just want you to think about it.
Zabs Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have concluded that if a relationship i to work it has to be based on something solid. No misconceptions, assumptions etc...just plain truths. I hurt you, you hurt me..what are we gonna do about it? There are only two options..make a choice. I have no problem in relations being over...but when the wound is set to bleed over and over relentlessly..it becomes a bit of a bane. Much love, Zabs xx:D
stunned8165 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have been cheated on and lied too... That's a tough call mike. I think when we look at it logically, the answer is no. We don't want them back. But yet when we have all these screwed up emotions and still on that wild roller coaster ride, we may feel we WANT them to atleast reach out to us. I think once that happens, if it does, out defense mechinisms will kick into high gear and NOT let them back in. Not full steam ahead anyway. Just my thoughts. But who am I? I'm just another screwed up dumppee. LOL But trust me, in my case, I will have the last laugh in all of this.
BardoPond Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I'm really glad someone put this thread up because it's something I've been thinking about. At this stage I don't really know if things can ever be okay again between us, like you describe it. She's with someone else now I don't know if she'll ever try talking to me again, that doesn't really bother me as much as it used to. I'd still like to think that she'll realise what she's doing at some point though and try to come back. I'd really like to hear other people's opinions on this.
bbronco Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I've also been thinking about this subject more and more. If my ex had agreed to reconcile maybe a month or 2 after the breakup then I would have had no misgivings about trying again. But 5 months later and treating me like I absolutely mean nothing to him and not showing me in the slightest bit that I'm actually important in his life...then that makes me feel like, if we ever did get back together, I wouldn't be able to process why he treated me like crap this whole time. How can you avoid me to this extent, then we get back together and we're suddenly supposed to have the constant "hey baby" convos and texts multiple times a day? Like you suddenly check-in and are available again like you used to be? When now you could be dead for all I know? I had a conversation with a guy friend yesterday who told me he'd been in my same "beg the ex back" situation. He'd dumped his gf of 4 years because he panicked about being tied down and potentially never having the freedom he once had. He regretted it soon after and begged her back and she refused for 6 months. They are now back together but she's distant and blames him for all their relationship problems and expects him to fix everything. He hates the relationship he has with her now, it's def. not the same. But he's scared to be the bad guy again and dump her. So he's trying to sabatoge the relationship enough so she leaves him. His advice was that it feels sooo much better to miss the person you once had than to be in a relationship you feel is doomed.
twinkles Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Before you attempt to reconcile you really have to have an understandment of forgiveness. It's just a word if you don't actually live it. People put too much emphasis on the trust factor. Who can you really trust.. some days you can't even trust yourself. Can you truly let go or are you fooling yourself. I have to power to completely forgive someone without bringing the past up again. I don't supress I forgive. You get this by giving the person the benefit of the doubt. You don't know if they will cheat again you don't know if you will cheat...it's a chance you have to take. If deep in your heart you can forgive this person then great but if you can't you have to let them go because it will only reflect in the relationship and it will never work. It's the ego at play here...are you ruled by your ego or are you ruled by your heart?
lolita jade Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 That is definately the key. If you are going to blame them over and over, not trust them and bring it up at inopertune moments. They will not want to stay with you for long and feel like they are in a prison sentence. If you take someone back it has to be focused on the future solely and making it much better than before. Bringing up the past is no good for either of you. I think you woul have to work doubley hard at making it work. There would need to be a great deal of talking and pacts and plans made before you even pass go with them.
smokey bear Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 In reply to your question, no im not ready if he did come back, emotionally id just get walked over again. Im not far from being my strong self but im just not quite there yet. Another month or so and i will be there. As for the relationship i have no doubts that it wont be as special as it was before. This will only be possible though once im ready for it emotionally
lilyblue Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Yes, I would want him back, and feel lame for saying that, but I would. And I think it would work. Maybe I'm too forgiving.
LostJustLost Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) That's a really tough question. My first thought was God yes. Thinking a little more about it.. If he came back today, I would let him back in but to what end? Would I constantly bring up what happened? Of course I would. I love him, my heart hasn't changed, but I would turn into a nagging b**** to make damn sure he knew just how bad he hurt me. I didn't expect to come to this conclusion but after thinking about it, no, I am far from ready to talk to him on any level. I guess he's not the only one who's gone NC anymore. Looks like its time for me to suck it up and stop completely too. *edits to take out a word Im not sure is allowed here* Edited November 30, 2011 by LostJustLost Not sure about the language
witchychick Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I would still want my ex back but I dont know if I am ever even going to speak to him again as he is totally ignoring me now. He broke up with me over a month ago because we argued and told me he needs time. I asked him if it was over for good and he said he didnt know and now he is ignoring me which makes me angry and hurts me even more. He seemed to want me to let him go but I've held on to his words,too. I miss him a lot-the good and we have plenty in common. I once dreamed that I saw him with another Woman and now I dreamed that he was on dating sites and that he said he had time-like time to find someone else. I am very miserable. I have considered getting some kind of help but I'm not sure.
sardeen Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 This is a very true post. Before being dumped, I would think about the future with my ex and now when I think about her, I can not help but feel betrayed. She just turned her back on me with no explanation even though we were fixing the problems that were there All those years we spent together, gone. Of course I wanted her back and now want to say goodbye, but it would take a lot of convincing for me to want to start again. The girl could easily just snap again and walk away on me after an argument. The issue was communication and we started being honest about our feelings, but the minute I said something she did not like, the best thing to do was to ignore me for what will be a month soon. Its a tricky thing when you care about someone, but if you put it into perspective, you realize that there is no point loving someone who never really loved you.
jkscarlet Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I've also been thinking about this subject more and more. If my ex had agreed to reconcile maybe a month or 2 after the breakup then I would have had no misgivings about trying again. But 5 months later and treating me like I absolutely mean nothing to him and not showing me in the slightest bit that I'm actually important in his life...then that makes me feel like, if we ever did get back together, I wouldn't be able to process why he treated me like crap this whole time. How can you avoid me to this extent, then we get back together and we're suddenly supposed to have the constant "hey baby" convos and texts multiple times a day? Like you suddenly check-in and are available again like you used to be? When now you could be dead for all I know? I had a conversation with a guy friend yesterday who told me he'd been in my same "beg the ex back" situation. He'd dumped his gf of 4 years because he panicked about being tied down and potentially never having the freedom he once had. He regretted it soon after and begged her back and she refused for 6 months. They are now back together but she's distant and blames him for all their relationship problems and expects him to fix everything. He hates the relationship he has with her now, it's def. not the same. But he's scared to be the bad guy again and dump her. So he's trying to sabatoge the relationship enough so she leaves him. His advice was that it feels sooo much better to miss the person you once had than to be in a relationship you feel is doomed. That actually makes perfect snese
Sugarkane Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 After being lied to, betrayed, treated like garbage and most likely cheated on, I'm confident I can be ice cold and indifferent.
smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Can you share some of indifference with me please xx
Author mike588 Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Can you share some of indifference with me please xx You just don't care anymore,, if you run into them somewhere it doesn't bother you. When I say don't care, you can still care about him/her but you have moved on,, your no longer upset about the b/u. If they contact you it's like ,oh well, whatever. They are not always on your mind, you don't spend time dwelling on what ifs,, And so many other feelings,,this person is no longer a major factor in your life. It takes time but you WILL get there!!
Rorschach64 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 If she answers a few questions for me and I like what she has to say for answers then a big maybe. I will not take her back if I am in a relationship if she comes back during a time when I am already involved. I have a good feeling that if she were to come back and I let her back in to my heart she'd most likely do everything again.
Author mike588 Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) Mike the problem here is that you are not an emotionally healthy person. If you were you would have moved on ALONG time ago and you certainly wouldn't even remotely consider asking the question on your thread title to yourself, or anyone else. You are in your 40's and seem to have the maturity of a teenager. How many times do you have to be told to focus on you and not her? Your a mess, you didnt even realise how much of a mess you are.. I disagree. I'm hanging around here giving my advise to help others because so much help was given to me. Notice I haven't made any threads here in some time asking for advise or help. Now my threads such as this one are either for fun or to make people think. Like alot of us I too wanted her back so bad but because I look at the relationship in a different light now I see it for what it really was,a joke. Does it still hurt? Yes but no where near as bad as it did,, do I miss her, alittle, mostly due to our friendship we shared years ago but I damn sure don't miss the phoney relationship on/from her part. I don't place 100% of blame on her now,I accept some responsibility for not seeing and or acting on the red flags that I chose to ignore. Edited December 2, 2011 by mike588
fenderjames Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Dont pay any heed to Flu Mike . A lame response to a good post . Cheers to you friend
smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I disagree. I'm hanging around here giving my advise to help others because so much help was given to me. Notice I haven't made any threads here in some time asking for advise or help. Now my threads such as this one are either for fun or to make people think. Like alot of us I too wanted her back so bad but because I look at the relationship in a different light now I see it for what it really was,a joke. Does it still hurt? Yes but no where near as bad as it did,, do I miss her, alittle, mostly due to our friendship we shared years ago but I damn sure don't miss the phoney relationship on/from her part. I don't place 100% of blame on her now,I accept some responsibility for not seeing and or acting on the red flags that I chose to ignore. I think its a very important thread and can also bring a light bulb moment for those who read it, along the way we never actually stop and say wait, am i ready for a recon if it came. I think its spurs you to look at yourself and focus on you. A very good thread and ill be bumping it again xx
Author mike588 Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Just alittle something I wanted to add. Imagine you and your ex. got back together,( it's just been a short time back together) and you the dumpee are trying hard not to think about the cheating,trying to work thru it still hoping the relationship will work walking on eggshells not knowing if you should bring it up in fear of it starting a big fight always knowing in the back of your mind that he/she betrayed you. That's tough enough then lets say the both of you are at the movies (or at home) and somewhere in the movie scene/script there is cheating involved how will that affect you? I'm sure it will jar your memory his/hers too and it would be a uncomfortable situation. Imagine your having a great time together,not thinking about it your feeling good then something triggers it. Maybe I'm odd but I think that would ruin my/our movie night out and would bring back the resentment and hurt. Unless the two of you seek some professional help or are two extremely dedicated forgiving people,,,, I just don't see how the cheating wouldn't raise it's ugly head during the "new' relationship some where down the line. Sure not everyone breaks up again in situations like that but could you handle it??
PinkPunkCosmo Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 mike, i have to absolutely agree with your point, no matter if the relationship gets back on track and both are willing and putting in everything in to it, it will always be in the back of your head and it will come forth eventually you can not avoid it. As for me, i don't think i am ready just yet, it is too soon to tell. Can't say i won't take him back i probably would it was not a bad relationship, if he would tell me his job wouldn't change his moving around then yes, if he would tell me that our relationship was going somewhere possibly marriage then yes, but i cant be in 7 yr 8 yr long distance relationship from now traveling back and forth just to spend 2 days together and suffer a month or two and feeling like "where is it going?" I mean i am young but still time flies, and we all have dreams and expectations even of our own relationships.I cant just sit around waiting to see "um...okay next year we might spend 4 days together if we are lucky on a holiday that takes up 4 day weekend" I cant i miss him too much the other days it is more of a heartache been together than not.. i dont know if that makes sense..
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