empiccolina Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I think my boyfriend treats me quite **** sometimes, but I can't leave him. I know it so sounds so weak, "OH I love him so much I can't leave him" but I do! He has become the most important person in my life , I never thought it was possible to love someone this much, I never thought I was going to fall in love like this. Sometimes I think I need to leave him...I mean if someone treats you like ****, just leave but it's easier said than done. I'm not strong enough, losing him would be the worst thing that could happen. So I know people are going to say just leave him, but it's not an option for me. I just can't, however much I know I need to. I've found love, I don't want to have to leave the person I love. Anyway I wouldn't need to think that I have to leave him if he just stopped doing a few things. Changed a little bit. Ok, so my boyfriend is italian. When I first met him he couldn't speak English well at all but now he can really well after being with me and working here in England. And obviously he's learnt to swear in English too. He constantly swears all the time "mother****ing this, mother****ing that" which really annoys me I just hate it. It's strange, when I hear it in Italian it doesn't annoy me that much but in English it just really bugs me I think it sounds so horrible. And I've told him so many times that I hate it, can he stop and he never does. And the worst thing is now he often swears at me too. I get upset and tell him there's no respect and he says he knows that it's just if sometimes we have an argument and I make him angry he seems to automatically swear. I've asked him to stop, I say how dare you swear at me I don't deserve it and he says he will try to stop but he still does it. Is it really that hard to stop swearing? It's not just with me though, he is generally quite a an angry person, I've seen him like this back home with his family in Italy. (Note: although I've said he's quite an angry person generally, he NEVER hits me). Also, he burps and farts all the time- I know this seems quite a pathetic reason but it really bothers me! Obviously I'm not going to leave someone because of this but I have told him so many times that I hate it and he knows but he just thinks it's really funny and still does it all the time anyway. Sometimes he even purposely comes near me just to burp near my ear or something, although he has stopped this part a bit. I know these are natural things to do but he could go away a little bit if he needs to do it, away from me. I've said this. I just feel this is also a lack of respect. He says to me though sometimes that "This is who I am, if you don't like it you can leave me". Which ok , fair enough I could just go and leave him but I don't want to. It just annoys me that he won't try to change for me. I feel bad for saying all the bad things I'm just trying to convey how I believe he does treat me like ****. There's a lot of good things about him too, just it's not perfect, I know it can't be perfect though. For example he always buys me everything, I hate it when he pays for me all the time but he never lets me pay. He will sometimes do a really little sweet thing...he knows how much I like chocolate for example so yesterday he secretely bought me a bar of chocolate and we're walking along together and he just pulls it out of his pocket and I'm like when did you buy that? smiling and he says "it doesn't matter" then we just smile together. He always buys me lovely presents. He cooks really nice things for me. He took me to live with him and his family in Italy for months. I know he loves me very much. I just really want him to treat me with more respect, the respect I deserve. Mainly to stop the swearing at me. How can I get him to stop without leaving him??? Yesterday we went to the phone shop, he was angry that his phone company had charged him a lot more money so we went in and he told them he wanted to close his contract there and then. I asked the phone guy why was it exactly that they had charged him so much and after we left my boyfriend got really angry with me and said why do you always have to talk all the time? He says that he feels stupid when I talk (he thinks his english isn't good enough which isn't true) that it's his business and I should just shut up. I think it's so rude when he tells me to shut up I hate it. He then said after "You should just shut the **** up" And I can't stand it I want to explode I get upset and say how dare you there's no respect for me then he says how I always have to make a scene when we're in public, I guess I speak/ shout quite loud cos I'm really upset you know? In the past when he has said something like this I've actually got so angry that I slapped him. Ok, now this relationship sounds quite ****, but there are good things and we love each other a lot we just have some problems. So can anybody give me any advice of what I should do if he swears at me like this again and to how to get him to stop??? I'm NOT going to leave him
stillafool Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I'm NOT going to leave him Well that about says it all. Expect his treatment of you to get worst if you stay.
blueskyday Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 If you are determined to stay for now, then simply walk out of the room when he swears. Don't talk to him over and over again about it. He knows how you feel. Really though, if he won't curb that behavior for you and he farts/burps like he doesn't care if you are there, then what does that say about him? Stop making excuses for him, and start laying down some boundaries, as in, "I won't be in the same room with you if you do that crap." Make it non-verbal, though. Just walk out of the room. He knows he is being a tool. He wants to see how much he can get away with. That is up to you.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 This has to be a joke post. Your BF farts and burps all the time around you. That is gross and shows he has no cares in how you feel about him. He knows you cannot live without him, by putting up with his jerk mentality. Sounds to me you are codependent on men. Try to work on you first. Look up codependency. Everyone owns a little co dependency, but when it comes in the way of you looking out for your best interests, then is is crippling. My question to you is, why do you put up with this? Do you seriously feel you cannot either be alone, or will not find a better man?
blueskyday Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Oh, and next time he wants sex, tell him you have gas... Or tell him all his swearing scared you and you aren't in the mood. You need to feel special and cared for in order to have sex. Then break out your new 500 page book as you snuggle back into your pillow.
dasein Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well since you say you absolutely won't leave, here are some things to try: Get more social in your life together. There's a chance your BF has just had bad social models. If you two develop a circle of quality friends, he may learn from the men. Church is one possibility, charity groups, school functions, established friends to get the ball rolling. Do more things out in public. If you are out in public lots, he may habituate to publicly acceptable behavior. If he does rude things in public and gets negative reactions, he may change. Go flat affect when he acts up. Don't get angry, sad, complain, don't react in any way, just get yourself away from him and stay away for a significant time without showing any emotion. He may immaturely think that the reactions you give him are showing love instead of annoyance, it may be that's how he was taught to get attention growing up, by acting out. Remove the attention entirely whenever he acts out and he may change. Figure out a way to subtly let him know that his behavior makes him look like a weak boy and not a man. Since he is not completely familiar, he may fall for lines like "In the U.S., farting is a sign of weakness, boys laugh at it but powerful grown men think it makes a man look like a child." Same with cursing, burping. He may believe you may not. Attaching your estimation of his masculinity, of his sex appeal, to those immature behaviors may send the right message. But the most important thing is that you are showing signs of being codependent on this man, please read up on codependency, as you display the textbook signs. This is not a healthy way to be. Good luck getting this problem solved.
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