LifeIsGreat Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have been married most of my adult life (I'm 46/male). Have been dating for about 6 years and don't think I have come close to meeting my life partner yet. I'll admit, in the beginning I was just having fun and not worrying about finding "the one"; however, in the last few years I have changed my perspective. At first it took me time to see that the older we get the more "baggage" there seems to be out there. I have learned to spot women with serious issues quite a bit faster than I used to. But damn, it seems I can't find a woman who doesn't have such major baggage that appears she could never be in a healthy relationship. I consider myself well adjusted and emotionally healthy. Objectively, I don't think whatever issues/baggage I have would stop me from being in a good LTR. I'm decent looking, in OK shape, financially secure, smart, funny, caring, considerate, etc (based on what I'm told by woman). Anyway, does finding a mate have to be a full-time job of sifting through the rubble of emotional devastation?
blueskyday Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) It's refreshing to hear you say all that! I'm going through the same thing as a female. I'm not into sport dating, and most men seem interested in sex only. If they want a relationship, it comes with all kinds of conditions that translate into "I'm not capable of real intimacy." I want to find a partner, "the one," with whom I can build a life with. I also wonder how long it will take for me to find that someone. Sometimes I think I am the only one who wants that. I'm tired of dating and hearing men say they don't want anything "serious" or that they are just into having fun right now. Or they have major problems because of their divorces like extreme conflict avoidance or commitment fears. I have no problems working through things with someone, but most of these guys don't want to work on any of their issues. They simply say "that's just the way I am." I am self-aware and try very hard to make sure I am letting go of my past baggage and keeping a happy, positive attitude. I'm hopeful and optimistic. So, no advice, only validation that there are others who think like you. Thanks for your post... Edited November 30, 2011 by blueskyday
Author LifeIsGreat Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Geez, someone should start a "no baggage" dating site!!! In order to join, you have to pass a personality/mental illness test When I look back at some of the woman I have been with (being more objective after-the fact) I can't believe what I put up with. Some of this crap was a scene out of a horror movie.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have been married most of my adult life (I'm 46/male). Have been dating for about 6 years and don't think I have come close to meeting my life partner yet. I'll admit, in the beginning I was just having fun and not worrying about finding "the one"; however, in the last few years I have changed my perspective. At first it took me time to see that the older we get the more "baggage" there seems to be out there. I have learned to spot women with serious issues quite a bit faster than I used to. But damn, it seems I can't find a woman who doesn't have such major baggage that appears she could never be in a healthy relationship. I consider myself well adjusted and emotionally healthy. Objectively, I don't think whatever issues/baggage I have would stop me from being in a good LTR. I'm decent looking, in OK shape, financially secure, smart, funny, caring, considerate, etc (based on what I'm told by woman). Anyway, does finding a mate have to be a full-time job of sifting through the rubble of emotional devastation? Well I would say first you need to change your mentality toward women and using the word, 'Baggage!,' in connection. Ughh. People, men and women, do not have baggage, but the right words are life experiences. Some experiences may be ones you may not wish to deal with, fine, but using the word baggage is quite disrespectful and inconsiderate toward another individual who own their own values and perspectives of the world. If you, "are,' all the above you claim, I find it difficult to believe that you cannot find an interesting person to get along with. If I heard those words you mentioned, issues or baggage, coming from a man, it would be the first sign to make my exit and quickly.
blueskyday Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 No kidding. When you are in the middle of it, you can't see how bad it is. I can't believe the crap I put up with either. Love your idea! Start the site, how about, E-MentallyHealthy.com? (No unclaimed baggage, no personality disorders, etc...)
blueskyday Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 MyApology has a good point about "life experiences." Many people, like myself, understand life experiences and their effect on my ability to be in a relationship. I work on clearing out any ill effect, and staying free and light. I don't have baggage, rather I do have past experiences and that's how I explain them. I take responsibility for my behavior today, however. I pick up my own "bags," so to speak. But, a lot of people clearly have "baggage" they wish to do nothing with, except lug around from relationship to relationship. I think the term is appropriate then.
jobaba Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I have been married most of my adult life (I'm 46/male). Have been dating for about 6 years and don't think I have come close to meeting my life partner yet. I'll admit, in the beginning I was just having fun and not worrying about finding "the one"; however, in the last few years I have changed my perspective. At first it took me time to see that the older we get the more "baggage" there seems to be out there. I have learned to spot women with serious issues quite a bit faster than I used to. But damn, it seems I can't find a woman who doesn't have such major baggage that appears she could never be in a healthy relationship. I consider myself well adjusted and emotionally healthy. Objectively, I don't think whatever issues/baggage I have would stop me from being in a good LTR. I'm decent looking, in OK shape, financially secure, smart, funny, caring, considerate, etc (based on what I'm told by woman). Anyway, does finding a mate have to be a full-time job of sifting through the rubble of emotional devastation? It's different for everybody. Depends on how good looking and picky you are. A few guys I knew married the first woman they ever dated. I know others who dated many before they got married. Also, I don't necessarily believe there is 'one' for everybody. There's a number of people who are close to 'your current ideal', and if you find one, you have to expect they will not dump you for better and vice versa because of respect. Anyway, I don't even look for an ideal. It would seem in their 40s, most women have either been single their whole lives or have gone through some bad relationships and marriages. Seems they'd be a lot less about looks and more about substance. So, I would think the dating game would be somewhat more pleasant.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well I would say first you need to change your mentality toward women and using the word, 'Baggage!,' in connection. Ughh. People, men and women, do not have baggage, but the right words are life experiences. Some experiences may be ones you may not wish to deal with, fine, but using the word baggage is quite disrespectful and inconsiderate toward another individual who own their own values and perspectives of the world. If you, "are,' all the above you claim, I find it difficult to believe that you cannot find an interesting person to get along with. If I heard those words you mentioned, issues or baggage, coming from a man, it would be the first sign to make my exit and quickly. I agree with this... people who use the word 'baggage' to describe their fellow human beings come across as rather ungracious. We cannot possibly assess how deeply someone has been hurt or what they have been through. If whatever they are going through is not something their potential partner is capable of managing or helping them with, then move on. Then again, they might be missing out on a wonderful person who just needs a bit of TLC to get back on their feet. One man's 'baggage' is another man's 'treasure'... as I like to say We are all a sum of our life experiences... We have all being influenced by the people around us. We can choose how to percieve those experiences and learn from them... or become bitter. It is not a function of age or even what has happened to someone. It is a choice.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Baggage, issues, life experiences--- it's all symantics. I mean no disrespect. My point is how "life experiences" can cause people (men and women) to be jaded, bitter, etc. This then affects their ability to interact with someone on a normal level. i.e.-- I have never cheated, but women who have been cheated on accuse me of cheating if they can't reach me on the phone. That's not normal. I believe in being patient, but everyone has their limits. In my experiences, if I do or say (and I don't mean doing/saying anything "bad") that reminds a woman of a bad past relationship, all her angst of that past relationship gets taken out on me. Although I truly empathize with people that have had it rough in the past, I don't think it's healthy in a relationship to try to be her daddy, therapist, or clergyman. Aren't relationships supposed to be about two "whole and healthy" people coming together? It's almost like people today (the ones with the negative life experiences) EXPECT things won't work out and then program themselves early in the relationship to sabatage it.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 MyApology has a good point about "life experiences." Many people, like myself, understand life experiences and their effect on my ability to be in a relationship. I work on clearing out any ill effect, and staying free and light. I don't have baggage, rather I do have past experiences and that's how I explain them. I take responsibility for my behavior today, however. I pick up my own "bags," so to speak. But, a lot of people clearly have "baggage" they wish to do nothing with, except lug around from relationship to relationship. I think the term is appropriate then. I completely agree! What I was leaning toward, is some people throw around the word baggage too loosely and disrespectfully. For myself, if a man is critical about the world from the beginning, and it is his stance, he will make a partnership pure misery. Not worth my time.
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well I would say first you need to change your mentality toward women and using the word, 'Baggage!,' in connection. Ughh. People, men and women, do not have baggage, but the right words are life experiences. Some experiences may be ones you may not wish to deal with, fine, but using the word baggage is quite disrespectful and inconsiderate toward another individual who own their own values and perspectives of the world. If you, "are,' all the above you claim, I find it difficult to believe that you cannot find an interesting person to get along with. If I heard those words you mentioned, issues or baggage, coming from a man, it would be the first sign to make my exit and quickly. see my point in the other thread i just posted in about how women become experts at blaming men for their own issues. your assumption that people should by default accept all of your problems while you declare in the next sentence that you are inconsiderate of their reservations about you is....drumroll........baggage! welcome to reality dear, enjoy your stay.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 see my point in the other thread i just posted in about how women become experts at blaming men for their own issues. your assumption that people should by default accept all of your problems while you declare in the next sentence that you are inconsiderate of their reservations about you is....drumroll........baggage! welcome to reality dear, enjoy your stay. I didn't get the same impression as you about MyApology's post. The word 'baggage' gets thrown around alot in dating. It comes across as dismissive and not empathetic. It also seems to come from (maybe not surprisingly) those who have alot of unresolved issues themselves. Almost like a form of projection or narcissism... As in, "how dare YOU for not being equipped to manage MY emotional needs!!! You must have baggage.". Me personally... I try to view it more as compatibility differences. Some people 'enjoy' the talking about past relationships, feelings, life history as a way to promote 'intimacy'. Others tend to be less open for whatever reason... or don't feel the need to share as much. I can imagine that either response could be viewed as 'baggage'... depending on the individual... or others could just view it as a different relationship style. I prefer the latter.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Baggage, issues, life experiences--- it's all symantics. I mean no disrespect. My point is how "life experiences" can cause people (men and women) to be jaded, bitter, etc. This then affects their ability to interact with someone on a normal level. i.e.-- I have never cheated, but women who have been cheated on accuse me of cheating if they can't reach me on the phone. That's not normal. I believe in being patient, but everyone has their limits. In my experiences, if I do or say (and I don't mean doing/saying anything "bad") that reminds a woman of a bad past relationship, all her angst of that past relationship gets taken out on me. Although I truly empathize with people that have had it rough in the past, I don't think it's healthy in a relationship to try to be her daddy, therapist, or clergyman. Aren't relationships supposed to be about two "whole and healthy" people coming together? It's almost like people today (the ones with the negative life experiences) EXPECT things won't work out and then program themselves early in the relationship to sabatage it. The problem is defining what is 'whole and healthy' We're all a mixed bag, just doing our best to get through life. I'm glad to hear that you feel ready for something more serious after your divorce. It can be frustrating that when you finally are 'ready' that it still takes so much time.
thatone Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I didn't get the same impression as you about MyApology's post. The word 'baggage' gets thrown around alot in dating. It comes across as dismissive and not empathetic. It also seems to come from (maybe not surprisingly) those who have alot of unresolved issues themselves. Almost like a form of projection or narcissism... As in, "how dare YOU for not being equipped to manage MY emotional needs!!! You must have baggage.". Me personally... I try to view it more as compatibility differences. Some people 'enjoy' the talking about past relationships, feelings, life history as a way to promote 'intimacy'. Others tend to be less open for whatever reason... or don't feel the need to share as much. I can imagine that either response could be viewed as 'baggage'... depending on the individual... or others could just view it as a different relationship style. I prefer the latter. what i got from her post is "no matter what i do it's ok, and if you don't accept everything i do, i'm leaving." which probably the polar opposite of the truth, because women with such 'baggage' didn't get it from leaving, they got it from staying.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I didn't get the same impression as you about MyApology's post. The word 'baggage' gets thrown around alot in dating. It comes across as dismissive and not empathetic. It also seems to come from (maybe not surprisingly) those who have alot of unresolved issues themselves. Almost like a form of projection or narcissism... As in, "how dare YOU for not being equipped to manage MY emotional needs!!! You must have baggage.". Me personally... I try to view it more as compatibility differences. Some people 'enjoy' the talking about past relationships, feelings, life history as a way to promote 'intimacy'. Others tend to be less open for whatever reason... or don't feel the need to share as much. I can imagine that either response could be viewed as 'baggage'... depending on the individual... or others could just view it as a different relationship style. I prefer the latter. Gosh, I totally agree with you ThsAmericanlife, my post was how you perceived it. And I find men who throw that word around are quite messed up, so they do it as a way to project their own problems with intimacy, sharing, and the capacity for empathy, onto others! One thing for sure Thatone, for myself, I am not going to enter a relationship looking for a savoir, prince, yuck, I love, carefree, light, and fun relationships! Intimacy can be devoloped OVER TIME, as two individuals who ARE compatible, discuss the past and their experiences.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 what i got from her post is "no matter what i do it's ok, and if you don't accept everything i do, i'm leaving." which probably the polar opposite of the truth, because women with such 'baggage' didn't get it from leaving, they got it from staying. Sorry have to disagree, my post did not mention anything close to what you are describing. I do not feel ENTITLED,as to which you are implying. I never go into a relationship looking at it from a baggage standpoint. I would never enter a relationship with someone who views it that way either. I do not mesh well with overly critical, sensitive, nor jerk type mentalities. I do not view this from a baggage view standpoint, but as character flaws i wish to avoid completely. I also believe people mix up bad boys from jerks too. You can be a bad boy, in many ways without being a pompous jerk.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Sorry have to disagree, my post did not mention anything close to what you are describing. I do not feel ENTITLED,as to which you are implying. I never go into a relationship looking at it from a baggage standpoint. I would never enter a relationship with someone who views it that way either. I do not mesh well with overly critical, sensitive, nor jerk type mentalities. I do not view this from a baggage view standpoint, but as character flaws i wish to avoid completely. I also believe people mix up bad boys from jerks too. You can be a bad boy, in many ways without being a pompous jerk. I will clarify the last statement: Most, 'true bad boys,' hurt themselves, they do not hurt others with their actions. They are lost souls, usually artistic, mindful, sensitive to others, they just pick decisions that result in harm to themselves and may second handly result in hurt onto others. Jerks are just insensitive, rude, and callous men, who are not artistic, mindful, nor sensitive to the other sex, in any other way, other than to profit off another's misery.
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