YouNeverKnow86 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well today on 92.3 (radio station in the tri state area) with Nick Canon & Sara Lee they had a morning long segment on broken fairy tales. People were calling up and talking about breakups (dumpers & dumpees both calling). The advice given on the show is to not give up on the one you love even if they need space/time and were the dumper. They mentioned many times the whole "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours" doesn't work. Why do so many people believe persistence does work? I and everyone else on here knows that isn't the case, the more you fight for something the more you push them away. Is this true for the short term but maybe down the road they will remember your persistence and will come back if all fails? I just found this segment today very interesting. There were a few dumpers that called and said they regretted their actions in the past. Some dumpees called and wish they never went no contact because those people never did come back. What is everyone's take on this? Should you continue to fight for the one you love or just let them go.
Author YouNeverKnow86 Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 1 thing to note: Many people who called said self pride stood in their way of reconciliation
Berlington Bob Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 If you want them back logically and not just because you miss them and you dont want to wait years for them to get over GIGS or whatever drove them away then NC isnt the best route. Of course the relationship is almost certainly doomed to failure down the road because the underlying issue or issues have not been fixed. In those cases where persistance wins, it wins because of both party's fear. Fear of being without something you have had every day for years and years, fear of being alone, fear of them giving the love and attention that has been yours for so long to someone else... As almost every NC post states, NC isn't about them or winning them back. It's about you healing and accepting the fact they are gone so you can move on. NC is a lousy way to get back together with someone... Most of us are here because of a lack of communication from both parties. It would make sense then that further lack of communication wouldn't be the way to go. Don't get me wrong, a month of NC is a must after a breakup so both parties miss eachother and start to remember the good things and not the bad things but statistically speaking if they dumped you, they felt (and justified) that they had a good reason to do it and they will most likely do it again if that justification is not understood and overcome by them.
lolita jade Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 You need no contact initially to RESET all the arguments/ eggsheels/ bad feelings etc. It puts you in a mode where to remember the good times and forget the bad. The only thing I can relate to is when I was a teen I dated several boyfriends more than once. When you had dated someone before they became attractive and if you saw them at a nightclub, you would get eye contact and could talk to each other to catch up and felt at ease with eachother. Before you know where you are you are kissing and dating again. I think if you are both passionate about eachother still and there is no OM/OW then you will have the cahnce to rekindle after a short break to RESET the arguing. If there is OW/OM the dumper doesnt want to admit failure easily, even if he/ she regrets it. It is human nature. You need to wait until they do not want OW/OM and then you might be in with a chance. If the dumper isnt so keen on you anymore then this is when you may not ever get the chance to be with them again. It is a big fat maybe after a time has passed and you become attractive to them again as in my teen years. It happened then. It may happen again.
RockGuy87 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 This makes me think. Like Bob said, it was becuase of lack of communication that played a role. Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t308718/ After reading this I almost feel like NC is hurting more than anything. Its been almost a week and im finally out of my angry phase and into my "thinking" phase.
lolita jade Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Unless you are convinced she feels the same way Rock. Leave it a little longer. A week isnt long enough for the reset to work and you need chance for her to really miss you.
RockGuy87 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I guess I'll will give more time. I will send it eventual though. I much rather regret sending it then loving with a what if. These posts by here aren't signs she misses me? I know it takes time for her to get over the initial break up and at a point they begin to think of the good more than the bad. Just don't know how long is TOO long.
Zabs Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 As almost every NC post states, NC isn't about them or winning them back. It's about you healing and accepting the fact they are gone so you can move on. NC is a lousy way to get back together with someone... Most of us are here because of a lack of communication from both parties. It would make sense then that further lack of communication wouldn't be the way to go. Don't get me wrong, a month of NC is a must after a breakup so both parties miss eachother and start to remember the good things and not the bad things but statistically speaking if they dumped you, they felt (and justified) that they had a good reason to do it and they will most likely do it again if that justification is not understood and overcome by them. Excellent perspective! However, I would like to add about NC...some people DO use NC as a means of getting back...there was a thread on here last week with a link...I read it with interest and it made me laugh my socks off...getting your grilfriend/boyfriend back...posted by Timmy...a virtual GUIDE on what to do..hilarious! Much love Zabs xx
Berlington Bob Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Just don't know how long is TOO long. No amount of time is TOO long. There are lots of posts on here about people who get back together after 5,6,7 years. But there IS such a thing as not enouh time. It's been a month for me now. For about a week or 2 after the B/U I was reading books like "The Magic of Making Up". I was thinking, ok I will wait a month and then plan a daytime get together to meet up. Now, a month later, I don't want to get back together with her. She still texts me leaving breadcrumbs. I know she is regretting the B/U but as people on here have said she is too proud to admit it both to me and to herself. The point of this is that the month of initial NC isn't just to get the bad feelings to go away, it's also to get a perspective on the big picture of it all. After the B/U you are thinking about one thing, the B/U. A month later if you really went NC and spent that month really working on yourself, you are usually ready to make the decision about wheather you want to get back together at all. Nobody likes loss of control and everybody has the natural reaction to get that control back. So you need to get control of your life as a single person before you can make an objective decision to get back together or not.
Sugarkane Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I don't contact exes because I know: -Nothings changed -They'll just walk all over me and teat me like a doormat. So what am I supposed to do? Keep trying to reconcile?! Alot of people got dumped for someone else/cheated on. Should they keep trying? I think that's a whole lot of BS. What if the dumper won't even talk to you? My ex treated me like complete garbage, why should I be the one to reach out?
M2155 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 No amount of NC/Non-NC is going to bring you back together unless the timing is right (people underestimate the importance of it being the right time for a relationship), the attraction is there and neither party is currently happy with someone else. I think not going NC will hurt you more than NC will help you if that makes sense. NC does not neccessarily mean forever. You just need to get over the hurt, anger, remorse etc...all those things that can take several months to forget. Then you can start fresh if the conditions in paragraph 1 are good. Someone who wants to be with you isn't going to forget you no matter how long you are gone, but at the same time, some (probably most) relationships just aren't meant to last a lifetime either. I'm really looking forward to the one that does though!
bittersweet memories Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 If your goal is to get over your ex, NC is the way to go! If you want to get your ex back, NC may help, but it also can back fire..
futuregopher Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Well today on 92.3 (radio station in the tri state area) with Nick Canon & Sara Lee they had a morning long segment on broken fairy tales. People were calling up and talking about breakups (dumpers & dumpees both calling). The advice given on the show is to not give up on the one you love even if they need space/time and were the dumper. They mentioned many times the whole "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours" doesn't work. Hahaha, I used to listen to them in the mornings too. Could you clarify what they were saying? What advice were Nick Canon and Sara Lee giving to people?
Sugarkane Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 My ex was verbally abusive, so according to this am I supposed to contact him?! Why should I?
dave22 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Why do so many people believe persistence does work? I and everyone else on here knows that isn't the case, the more you fight for something the more you push them away. Is this true for the short term but maybe down the road they will remember your persistence and will come back if all fails? I just found this segment today very interesting. There were a few dumpers that called and said they regretted their actions in the past. Some dumpees called and wish they never went no contact because those people never did come back. What is everyone's take on this? Should you continue to fight for the one you love or just let them go. Maybe it is something I have to believe because it is the situation I am in now, but I think in certain cases persistence can work. In my case I can see we have really good chemistry, we share similar values and long term goals, and I have come to realize we both really care about each other. And yet the past year has been one of frustration. We have been close friends, we have dated and have had a very passionate, but short fling. But I have persisted because I honestly believe we could be great together, in all my years of dating (and I am now in my mid 30s) I have never met anyone like her. I don't think either of us is sure why exactly it hasn't worked out. I have acted immaturely at times (although I think I have learned from my mistakes), we have communicated poorly at times (although I think we now understand each other much better than we once did), but I have come to believe the biggest problem is that she just isn't ready for a serious relationship while that is what I now want. She has said a few times that she still just wants to have fun and is not ready for anything serious yet, although she thinks she should start to think about being serious soon (she is in her late 20s). And she has, not too long ago, gotten out of a string of bad relationships that left her unhappy. Anyways, I have considered forgetting about it all and moving on, but I know I would regret it... and I also know I would never have another chance. She has made it clear she still wants to see me, even if now it is only once or twice a week and always with other people around (we both agreed to this). I have no idea if she will decide she wants to try something serious next month or two years from now and I don't even know if this is the main problem. But I can't help but keep trying, as difficult as it sometimes is.
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