Solobeary's coping log

[solobeary]

Thank you so much for your reply, Exit. You make some really good points and it's so good to get someone else's perspective on things.

 

The type of contact you are getting from him seems very annoying, all that nonsense but never does he really get around to saying that he should still be with you, or wants to be. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you want to hear from him anyway, but still, if I were to go to the effort to make these long drawn out apologies to an ex, I'd only do so if I had the nerve to follow it up with "do you think we could ever reconsider things". You say you have a hunch that maybe these "life experiences" he's going through means he's seeing somebody else, and you may be right, and that may be why he reaches out to you without really making it sound like he wants to repair things. But really, why even torture someone you dumped by bringing up old memories and keeping the wounds open by sending these apologies without any real point to the message. It's almost like he wants to send you these messages in the hopes that your response will be that you wish it could work out some day. Almost like he wants you to say what he doesn't have the nerve to.

 

I'm so glad you understand why these emails are driving me crazy! Sometimes when I'm reading LS I feel a bit guilty for complaining about them, because at least I got an apology and some compliments. But it sends me insane trying to work out what they mean. I honestly don't know what he means by them. He probably doesn't know himself.

 

 

Anyways, I'm rambling on about a non-existent point anyway, because it sounds like you want nothing to do with him, so it really doesn't matter what he is or isn't saying. If you really wish it would stop though, I might not spur him on with approval like "thanks for the apology" without at least adding "but you don't need to keep contacting me about that type of stuff, let's just talk when we need to take care of our remaining business".

 

That's true, I should have been clearer in the the email not to encourage contact. Ah well, if it happens again I will be. And at least I didn't send him a thousand page rant like I could have!!

 

 

Speaking of which, I don't know the nature of the remaining loose ends, but it's a shame for your healing that you say it can't be completely resolved until April. If that's definitely the case and there's no way to speed it up, then you should just get in touch when the time comes and not entertain any further contact from him.

 

Yeah the only way I could resolve it sooner would cost me an extra $1000, and really inconvenience him (I want to keep things civil), and I'd still have to see him or his family to give him back some things, anyway. I'd prefer to draw out the pain a little longer and spend the $1000 on cheering myself up instead!

 

 

Sometimes we complain about how these people contact us, but in some cases I sense that we could put a stop to it if we really wanted to. You could block his email until April and then get in touch about the business when it comes time, if you were really tired of the half-hearted apology contacts. Just a thought. But I understand if you are trying to keep things on civil terms to make sure he will be cooperative when it comes time to finalize these loose ends.

 

 

Yeah, that is so true. To be honest, most of me likes the contact from him. It makes me feel validated to know that he still cares too, that this is also hard for him, that all the hurtful things he said to me during the break up about it being my fault weren't true. That I didn't devote 4 years of my life to someone who is 100% heartless. Part of me hopes that he really is changing, and one day we might get back together- I still feel so fricken' in love with him even though I know that I would be an idiot to go back to him. But the sensible part of me knows that contact just prolongs the pain. I'm strong enough now to not break no contact, to not hope that he will (I honestly didn't expect him to when he did and I was becoming more and more OK with that) and to tell him to leave me alone if he does, but I'm not strong enough to block his email.

 

 

Thanks again for your reply!

[solobeary]

Oh my god. The highs and the lows and the fricken' lows.

 

I'm back in my home city. Getting back here has felt like 10 steps backwards. I had the a great time on my internship thousands of ks away, I wish I could have stayed.

 

I get home, so much reminds me of the ex again (who I hadn't been spending much time thinking about while I was away), plus I miss the friends I made in the new town, and I just feel lonely and out of place and restless again (I have to stay here until the end of the year to finish my degree). I just don't think me and this city suit each other, but I can't leave it yet...

 

So. Ex news. I've broken my absolute no contact. By being told info, and by internet stalking, I haven't actually got into contact with the ex. I ran into a friend of the ex, who seemed happy to see me and wanted to have a short chat. I liked this guy and wanted to know how his family and business were going so we talked about that for a little. Then he mentioned to me (with no prompting at all) some things about the ex that contradicted what the ex had told me about his life in his emails to me (nothing huge, just little things like he spent his holidays in a completely different place to where he told me he was going (he told me he was going on a really adventurous, exotic holiday, when in actual fact he went on a boring holiday with his new girlfriend)). I was already feeling a bit overwhelmed by coming back home, being reminded of everything, all the stuff I need to do for work and uni, my friends being in weird places in their lives, missing my new friends from my internship etc., so this news sent me into a bit of a tail spin. And I did some facebook stalking (which I haven't done for MONTHS).

 

Anyway, turns out the ex is in a relationship (I knew it), with one of his housemates that he moved in with in October when he left this city (they didn't know each other before then). And they are still living together.

 

So, basically. Ex and I broke up at the end of July, after being together for 4 years and living together for 3.5 years of that. In OCTOBER he gets into a relationship with a girl he's living with, and they are still living together now.

 

Many of the mind-**** "you're an amazing person and I'm sorry blabla cryptic half-arsed rambling" emails he's been sending me have been while he was with her.

 

 

I am so hurt, and so disappointed in him.

 

On an instant, emotional level it makes me so sad and jealous that he's with someone else. LIVING with someone else. Where as I'm alone, trying to deal with all of the pain from the break up.

 

When I think about things more I realise that I have nothing to be jealous of, it's probably about 98% chance that their relationship is really dysfunctional- he jumped straight into it, and he was still contacting me saying that he wasn't over me and taking digs at her ("no brain surgeons out where I am") while they were together. He contacted me in JANUARY to say that he's he still thinks and talks about me a lot and that he's realised that he didn't appreciate me when we were together. When I think about it rationally I realise that this is not a race to the finish line, that I am doing things right by taking things slow and learning to be self reliant and thinking and building a future not just jumping from one to the next. When I'm being rational I couldn't imagine anything worse than being in a another serious relationship already, I need to be independent, single, focus on lasting friendships rather than desperate relationships, experience the world and meet lots of different people while I'm still young.

 

 

Then I get sad because I honestly hoped that he was improving/"finding" himself after the break up. He was on the verge of a mental breakdown when he was dumping me, he was so incredibly unhappy and it had nothing to do with me because he'd been in a different country for the final 2 months of our relationship. He admitted to me that he "was not the person he thought he was" that he was "scared of being alone" that he didn't "know what he wants from his future". Living with a brand new girlfriend as soon as you royally ****ed over your last one and came close to a mental breakdown does not equal "improving yourself". I honestly hoped he was learning to be alone, that if he was dating he was taking it slowly and being more mature, that he was seeing the world and doing interesting things in his holidays and making new friends and learning to stand on his own two feet. Now I find out that he just shacked up with presumably the first person who offered. What a pathetic, weak person. How incredibly sad that he has not used this experience to grow.

 

 

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Obviously I don't know the true story, and I'm never going to know the true story because it is abundantly clear from my reaction to this that no contact has to continue. I need to continue with no contact (including no stalking or talking to his friends), and get on with my own life and put him completely in the past where he belongs.

 

I hate how extreme my reaction has been to the news that he's living with someone else. But I comfort myself with the thought that this really is the last hurdle. We broke up. We went no contact and I have seen how important no contact is. Now I know he is already in a new, serious relationship. That's it, it's over. Over, over, over, over. We are not getting back together, we are not going to be friends. I need to get over this last heartbreak (I kept waking up in a cold sweat last night after I found out the news, after months of being able to sleep more or less contently). And once I do, that's it. It's all over. I will be living my new life free of him, free of this pain, a stronger person.