Solobeary's coping log

[solobeary]

I just spent an hour pouring my heart out into my new coping log, only for my loveshack sign-in to time out and then I lost my post!

 

Ah well. Hi, I'm going to start a coping log as I've gone from low contact to no contact and am trying and get my life together. Off to a great start! Will post more later...

[solobeary]

Ok, take two.

 

Firstly, my story:

 

I'm 24, 4 years with the ex, 3 of them living together.

 

My ex never dealt with stress well, he'd always take his problems out on me.

 

At the beginning of this year, my ex was having trouble finding full time employment. He had enough money from temp work, but it was an unpleasant job he was working in with irregular hours. He started acting strange. Mopey and sometimes needy and other times really distant and critical of me. I told him I was worried he was getting depressed. I told him he shouldn't work so much if he didn't enjoy it (he didn't need the money), and that he should wait for better work to come along and in the mean time do things he enjoys, like taking up sport again and learning the language he's always wanted to. Instead he moped around the house and watched DVDs. This went on until about May, when he told me he was going to book an 11-week holiday to do a big hiking trip in the USA. He knew I couldn't join him because I study.

 

I asked if that was his way of breaking up with me. He said "definitely not". He said he was going to use his savings and time without decent work to go on a trip that he's always wanted to do, and that I wouldn't enjoy anyway.

 

He emailed and called me every day when he went away. He told me that he loved me very much, and has realised that he needs to work on improving himself when he gets home. Then, about 6 weeks into the trip, he called me crying on skype saying that he kissed a girl and he "doesn't know what he wants". She was a fellow hiker he met on the trail, the first girl to show an interest in him on his trip, basically. Classic "GIGS".

 

He came home. Acted like a crazy person, huge mixed messages. Stupidly I begged him for about a week.

 

He wanted to "stay best friends". I can't believe I ever deluded myself that might work. I then found out that even before he left he was complaining ("bitching", really) to his mum about me, and he had been talking about me and criticising me via email to the girl he kissed overseas. Just dump stuff that didn't even make sense about how "he's not sure what he wanted", and complaining about dumb things like how he is annoyed at me because I don't get on well with our housemate (what's it to him? And our housemate was a narcissistic alcoholic who my ex would complain about too, even our housemate's best friend would say we were good for being able to live with her). I finally realised he was treating me like $hit and told him I was going NC because I couldn't deal with his $hit anymore and I needed to heal on my own.

 

A few days later he took a job in a town 1000ks away.

 

I lasted about 2 weeks NC. Ignored a few dumb emails that said things like "I'm OK" (because all that matters is him) and "I had a dream about you" (wtf? no more details). Then he sent me a letter which opened with him saying that he is sorry for what he did to me, and he can't believe he acted the way he did, and that he is trying to become less selfish. Then he said "I meant what I said that you deserve to be happy with someone else" (gee, thanks for the permission). Then he said he's sorry for making me feel so bad by the way he treated me, and went on to list "the things he loved about me" with stories from our time together. Things like my smile, my sense of humour, my intelligence, my dedication, my ethics, my body. (WTF?) Then he finished with the bizarre sign off "I am not flirting with you, I just hope I can be a small part of your life one day". (I can only assume this is a reference to when I told him that I wasn't going to hang around just to be a girl he flirted with for an ego boost, like the girl he kissed overseas). I texted him saying "got the letter. Glad you are thinking about things."

 

A few weeks later he sent me an email saying that he thinks about me a lot, and that he talks about me sometimes to the people's he's met in the new town, and that he always says positive things about me or talks about "how it didn't just didn't work out at the time with us". He said he has a picture of me on his wall (WTF?). He then said "why is it that I'm with you I think lots of negative thoughts, and when you'r gone I think lots of positive thoughts?" (um, maybe because you're a dickhead?). I replied saying that he dislikes himself, so took that out on me for loving him, and that because he is unhappy in himself he chases what he can't have, so he likes me again now because I'm not around anymore.

 

A few weeks later he sent me an email saying he was going to be in town in a few weeks and would like to meet up "to talk to me about some of his thoughts". I replied saying something like "what would be the point of that? You want me to be your therapist? You want to take out your problems on me again? You want to get more info about me so you have new material when you bitch about me? I don't see how you could have changed that much in a few weeks." He replied with a long apology about how he treated me when we were together and during the break up. He admitted that he was trying to run away from his problems and that he needs to learn how to face them. He also said that he kissed the other girl because he was trying to escape his own problems, and he should have known that doing it would just make his own problems worse. He said "I'm trying to improve myself and I just want you to not hate me, even though you are justified in hating me after what I did". I didn't reply.

 

When he was back in the city he texted me. Talk about f-ing timing. He texted me when I was drunk, at a houseparty at the old house we used to share (he couldn't have known about the party or that I was going). He said "you were right as always. Being back here, everything reminds me of you" (ages ago I'd said something about it being hard getting used to the city without him). I called him. I cried, I think he did to. I said I was drunk and at the houseparty, and that he ****ed me up by throwing everything away like he did. He said he was sorry and that he thinks about things a lot and is trying to improve himself. Eventually I got off the phone and went back to the party, then went home.

 

The next day he emailed me saying he was sorry, trying to explain why he acted like he did during the break up. He signed off with the mindf-ck line "I wish I was more mature and could have enjoyed my time with your more, there are so many things I would change both big and small, but alas I can't at the moment, but who knows what the future brings."

 

I met him for coffee the next day. Just coffee at a cafe, no sex. He was nice. He was very respectful of me, much more so than he used to be when we were together. He seemed to make a point of frequently implying that he wasn't seeing anyone, and that he had no interest in seeing anyone (we didn't talk explicitly about it, I didn't think I could take it, and I also wanted him to wonder whether I might be dating again). We agreed time apart was important and that we wouldn't contact each other for a while.

 

That was about 2 months ago. Since then, every couple of weeks he sent me an email asking a question about his work (I'm in the same field as him, but I'm far more qualified and have a higher level job). They were questions that he'd have trouble finding an answer to where he was (the town he is in is very small), but that he could learn about by doing his own research. I'd answer him succinctly. After this happened a few times, I sent him an email asking wtf was going on, does he seriously think that after everything that happened I should just be an occasional resource for his own professional development? He said that he's "not yet ready" to talk about anything else. I said I'm just confused and trying to get my head around things, and also sent him an answer to the last question he asked me about work-related stuff.

 

His reply to that is the last conversation we've had, and when no contact begins for me. He started off by saying "what you wrote reminded me of how smart you are. There's no brain surgeons around where I am." He then thanked me for the information, and said he was "super proud of me" for doing the internship I'm starting in January (I'd told him about it when we met up), and that he'd be keen to "catch up after to debrief". I haven't replied and I'm not going to. I don't finish the internship until March next year, when I will hopefully be much, much, much more over him.

 

I think he might be seeing someone in his new town from facebook stalking (we're not friends, but some of his profile is public). I'm not 100% sure, but my ex's brother's partner (who my ex is close with) and a girl my ex works with in the town with are now facebook friends, so surely the likely explanation is he's dating that girl? Which makes him a dick for implying to me that the girl he's seeing is "no brain surgeon" i.e. dumb. It pisses me off and makes me sad and jealous that he'd meet someone so quickly after being the one who hurt me, but, I suppose that's how it would work because he has much lower standards than I do.

 

And that brings me to where I am right now. No contact. Trying to move on with my life.

 

Thanks for giving me a space to get this out

[solobeary]

I'm back. This "real" No Contact vow and the thought that he's probably in a new relationship is hitting me really hard. It doesn't help that work is really stressful at the moment.

 

I just feel so sad. Which is better than empty and anxious, which I felt for a really long time. But sad is still not nice. I've been close to tears quite often today. I read over the emails he sent me all the time. It's pathetic.

 

I know I should delete them, but I'm really sentimental, I try not to delete or throw out anything that ever meant anything to me. And, of course, it's incredibly clear by what I've written already that a part of me hopes we'll get back together one day.

 

I wish I didn't feel like that. He treated me so selfishly, he used me. My love for him was close to unconditional (still f-ing is...).

 

I feel bad because I should be grateful I got some "closure" and an apology. But it doesn't change the fact that I still love him as hard as I try not to and he isn't a part of my life anymore.

[solobeary]

OK so I broke NC. Which actually the first time I've broken NC without him contacting me first since "the begging stage" 4 months ago.

 

For some reason, everything has just hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I went for coffee with a friend this morning. I can't talk to her about he break up because she went through a big one herself recently and makes it clear that she's not ready to delve back into break-up emotions over coffee. We stupidly went to a cafe I only ever used to go to with the ex.

 

Then, my bicycle broke. This is going to sound completely weird, but it's very significant to me. My ex was an avid cyclist and ammeter bike builder. He got me into cycling, and now I do it every day. When we'd been going out for less than a year he bought me a very, very expensive bike. He mad it clear that if we broke up soon, I'd have to give it back. Fair enough, since the relationship wasn't super serious, and it was worth a lot of money. Fast forward 4 years, I ride it every day, I've travelled with it, it has a big dent where a crazy French man who ended up giving me a ride to work accidently hit me with his car door. So many memories. Ex dumps me. Ex said I have to give him the bike back. I say no. Later, he said I could keep it, but didn't make it clear whether it was still considered "a loan".

 

Recently, it's been playing up a lot. I took it to a bike shop this morning and they weren't sure what was wrong. I tried to google how to fix it, but all I got was horror stories about the gears being screwed. So I texted the ex saying I was having problems with it and if he could call me, because that'd be easier than sorting it out over email. He called me straight away and explained the problem, was nice about it. Then, somehow, I started talking about how it sucks that it still doesn't feel like "mine". He gave me some half-arsed answer about "I'm glad someones using it, and I won't be needing it for a few years". I got upset and said that I hate that he can't even make a gesture like this seem nice, he still makes me feel like an imposition and like I'm not worthy of a gift of something that we shared for 4 years. We talked on that theme for a little and then I said goodbye.

 

Then I started crying. And I've been crying ever since, for about 6 hours now.

 

I'm going to give the bike back to him (I won't have to see him, I can leave it with his friend) and buy myself a new one. Clearly I am too sentimental, it represents too much for me (ie is ambivalence to ever fully commit himself to the relationship). Fresh start.

 

I f-cking hope this is what they mean by "catharis". The last thing that ties us together will be gone.

 

I have never cried like this since the break up. I hope this is a symbol of the end of that chapter of my life, the beginning of making a life without him.

[Thieves]

I just feel so sad. Which is better than empty and anxious, which I felt for a really long time. But sad is still not nice. I've been close to tears quite often today. I read over the emails he sent me all the time. It's pathetic.

 

I know I should delete them, but I'm really sentimental, I try not to delete or throw out anything that ever meant anything to me. And, of course, it's incredibly clear by what I've written already that a part of me hopes we'll get back together one day.

 

Hey again, Solobeary...

 

Don't mean to intrude on your coping log (though it's very good you've started one!), but this particular post of yours made me come up with something. It's not a "new" idea or anything, but it has to do with reading those e-mails your ex sent you. To be honest, I'm very sentimental like that, too -- I'm a sentimental person, period, when it comes to people I care about... even if I can be good at hiding it sometimes. So I don't know if I could ever totally delete the e-mails my ex sent me (though I haven't looked at them in a long time).

 

Don't know if you've already done this, but what you could do is get a portable usb flash drive (the ones you plug into your computer) and put the emails on there, so you can delete the emails in your email account and you won't have instant access to them whenever you're going through a bad time. You can buy the flash drives at any regular elecontrics store for just a few dollars. I don't know what service you use (g-mail, yahoo, hotmail, etc.), but they usually have an option where you can save the emails to your computer.

 

If you can do that, then you can just put the emails on the flash drive you bought and then hide it wherever you want (most preferably not in your house ). I think it'll be good since with email, you can just log right on and read them, but with this you'd have to go out of your way to find it... and hopefully you'll feel too 'lazy', or be able to stop yourself by then.

 

I haven't done it yet myself, but I think I will. And maybe it could help you since you don't want to get rid of everything just now... but it could still help keep your urges in check, you know? Like I said, just an idea.

 

By the way, I think you're very strong for wanting to finally give back the bike to your ex. Like you said, it could be the first steps to a fresh start. Isn't it funny how seemingly 'small' things such as bikes and material possessions can cause more trouble than anything else? But I really think you're doing the right thing, Solo. That new bike will be awesome, and most importantly, all yours and only yours..

Edited December 3, 2011 by Thieves

[solobeary]

So I don't know if I could ever totally delete the e-mails my ex sent me (though I haven't looked at them in a long time).

 

Don't know if you've already done this, but what you could do is get a portable usb flash drive (the ones you plug into your computer) and put the emails on there, so you can delete the emails in your email account and you won't have instant access to them whenever you're going through a bad time. You can buy the flash drives at any regular elecontrics store for just a few dollars. I don't know what service you use (g-mail, yahoo, hotmail, etc.), but they usually have an option where you can save the emails to your computer.

 

If you can do that, then you can just put the emails on the flash drive you bought and then hide it wherever you want (most preferably not in your house ). I think it'll be good since with email, you can just log right on and read them, but with this you'd have to go out of your way to find it... and hopefully you'll feel too 'lazy', or be able to stop yourself by then.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, that's a really good idea! I am going to do this. That makes so much sense, keeping the emails without making them readily available, like I've already done with photos etc.

[solobeary]

This is $hit. I just feel so sad. I miss him so much. Just need to pick myself up and go to work.

 

I am officially no contact now, for good. I told him yesterday via email to not to contact me anymore.

[solobeary]

I took Theive's advice and deleted all the email my ex sent me from my inbox. I downloaded them and put them in a folder marked "do not read" within a folder within a folder. I'll put them on a usb stick I never use when I get around to it.

 

I also deleted all his texts from my phone and blocked him on facebook (we're not friends but now I have blocked him so I can't stalk him or see anything if he writes something on our mutual friends' wall. I did delete all of his friends from my facebook, but there are a few friends of mine who are genuinely mutual). I hope I have the strength of will not to unblock him as I have done in the past, I *think* I can do it. I also changed his number in my phone to "do not call- you can do better"...!

 

I still just feel so sad. So incredibly sad and lonely. So much sadder than I've felt anytime other than when the break up was happening/ the immediate aftermath. I hope this new-found sadness is just because I have finally acknowledged that he is out of my life. Since in my head I'd never properly acknowledged that we'd really broken up, that my lover and best friend was really gone, then I hope that I am so sad right now because it has finally sunk in, right now this like a break up all over. But this time I can truly grow and improve and feel better. I hope.

[solobeary]

I don't want to speak too soon, but I am feeling the tiniest bit better. Not good, nothing like how I used to feel before the break up (when he wasn't making me feel sad), or before I met him. But a tiny bit less sad and anxious.

 

I've been taking St John's Wort, 2 pills 3 times a day (with meals). I don't know if that's part of it.

 

I still feel sad, but controlled sad, rather than out of control sad.

 

I am also *starting* to see the relationship more objectively. He wasn't perfect for me, I'm starting to see what was missing during the relationship, rather than focussing on what I'm missing now (e.g. cuddles. God I miss the hugs). He never made me feel completely understood, comfortable, or loved. It was a cosy relationship, but maybe I could have another one one day where the "highs" were "higher". Also, he did not push me to grow as a person as much as a really good partner should do. He criticised me a lot, and made me feel guilty and inadequate, but that certainly isn't the way to make someone grow....

 

I hope I keep getting better. I can't keep feeling this sad.

[solobeary]

Went to see live comedy tonight with some friends. I don't have many friends, and I wish I was a little closer with the ones I do have sometimes, but they are lovely people. It was a good night, the comedy was actually really funny, and I barely thought about the ex. In fact, now that I think about it, there was a ridiculous amount of lovey-dovey couples there (I think it's a big date-night place), and once or twice I thought "I'd love to have someone to cuddle up to and be intimate with", rather than "I'd love to have HIM to....". Still waaaay too soon to speak, but I think this might be progress.

[solobeary]

Day 5 of no contact.

 

I'm going to be completely honest here, I unblocked him the other day to look at his facebook profile (what I can see of it since we're not friends). I blocked him again last night, and also blocked all of his friends so I can't stalk them either (which is a bit excessive, I guess it felt good blocking people, and also in the off chance he appears in their profile photos).

 

I've deleted his texts from his phone.

 

So now I am 100% No Contact. Not just No Contact, but No Exist.

 

Which sounds excessive in a way, and I know that everyone says (rightly) that you need to learn from the break up. But, honestly, I don't need to be told to think about things. I think about things waaaay too much, I am a "ruminator", as psychologists call it. I have spent the past 4 months thinking about what went wrong, what I could have done differently, what kind of person I want to be. Torturing myself with regrets and analysis and resolutions. I have learnt from this, and just by surviving I continue to learn from it. I honestly believe the healthy thing for me to do now is to try and STOP thinking about the relationship.

 

I feel like I have already seen a tiny bit of the power of absolute No Contact. I do feel better than this time last week. I need to stay strong, to put him out of my head and focus on myself. I hope I can stay strong.

[solobeary]

I say above that I deleted his texts from his phone... I meant my phone. I have not hacked into his phone...! That would be crazy, and a definite breach of absolute no contact!

 

 

I actually had a nice night last night. I was meant to be going out with a friend and her sister, but I was pretty sure she was going to get distracted and cancel on me last minute to stay home instead, and we were going to go to a club and I didn't feel like dancing, or even drinking much, anyway. She did cancel, I wasn't fussed. I stayed home and watched episodes of the X-Files on the internet, and did a bit of knitting. Incredibly lame, but it's what I felt like doing, so why not do it? I enjoyed myself, too.

 

The major thing bothering me right now is dealing with being back home with my family (I'm a student and am trying to save a little money before I move out again, plus my family would guilt trip me for moving in to a crappy place, or with people I wasn't close friends with... "what's wrong with us?"). Honestly, most of the time my family are crazier than me. And I'm pretty crazy at the moment. They are lonely and bored and unhappy and needy and anxious and project their feelings onto everyone else... It's driving me crazy being surrounded by people so depressing, I'm meant to be the depressing one, and I hope I won't be for much longer. Last week when I was feeling really down I had a short talk with mum about how I was feeling a bit sad. Her response? "Get over it. You can't let him ruin your life". Jeez... Who said he was ruining my life? He better fricken' not have ruined my life, I'm only 24! I know it's been 4 months, but I got fine marks this semester, work is going pretty well, I'm allowed to be sad sometimes when I'm at home! I really would have appreciated a tiny bit more empathy/ encouragement.... I went back to my bedroom.

 

I love them, but I need to see them in small doses. I'm just spending a lot of time in my bedroom. Hopefully I will move out within a few months...

 

Day 6 NC. yay.

[sunflower11]

Hi Solobeary! Just wantd to drop by and say hello! I totally understand your No Exist point. I started doing NC bt still snooped around and would google his name or check out his dating site profiles (luckily he doesnt have a facebook) but I have since stopped. Completely!! And it was hard at first but trust me, its like a weight off your shoulders and you will see how much better you start feeling after you completely cut him off!

[solobeary]

Hi Solobeary! Just wantd to drop by and say hello! I totally understand your No Exist point. I started doing NC bt still snooped around and would google his name or check out his dating site profiles (luckily he doesnt have a facebook) but I have since stopped. Completely!! And it was hard at first but trust me, its like a weight off your shoulders and you will see how much better you start feeling after you completely cut him off!

 

Thanks, Sunflower! I also really believe that this absolute no contact is working. I'm so tempted to check up on him on the internet, but every day I don't a feel a tiny little bit stronger without him.

 

Also, I think it's good that doing something like googling him or looking at his facebook would feel to me like I've broken no contact. Hopefully if I do ever get weak (fingers crossed I won't) I still won't actually make contact with him.

[solobeary]

Trooping on, I suppose...

 

I wish work wasn't so stressful. Hopefully it will calm down soon, there's just some unavoidable things up in the air at the moment.

 

 

This time of year sucks for those going through a break up. It's like every one's life goes on hold, everyone bunkers down in their lives for the holiday season. It sucks when you are desperately trying to move on...

 

I've been watching a lot of romantic movies. Started out when they were repeating the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice late one night on TV. I realised something that kind of amused me: somehow watching amazing, grand romances makes me feel better. If I'm honest with myself, I never really had that with the ex. Watching mediocre romances, on the other hand, like my favourite soaps/ crappy TV shows, makes me miss the ex so much. The grand, beautiful romances somehow cheer me up a little, reminding me that if there's some wonderful things out there in the world that I should try and experience and might find if I'm dedicated and lucky.

[solobeary]

Hey hey.

 

Just troopin' along. Not too bad.

 

It just sucks, you know. I loved him so much. I never, ever would have done to him what he did to me. I know it's easy to say that, but I can honestly look deep into myself and know that I wouldn't have. It's wrong to treat a person like that, simple as that. "Alls fair in love and war" is a bullsh*t cop-out. All isn't fair in war either, you shouldn't blow up an enemy's hospital, that's not fair, that's just wrong. God, am I becoming so self-indulgent that I compare my suffering over a break up to the bombing of a hospital? It's just that stupid saying annoys me.

 

He's shown by what he did to me that he's selfish, that he has a sense of entitlement, that he thinks it's OK to hurt other people, that it's OK to lie. It's not. I deserve better. I deserve someone who will treat me with the respect that I give them.

 

One of his many mind-f*ck lines during the break up that he said to me was "If I never meet anyone to settle down with I'll deserve it for breaking up with you, if you never meet anyone I'd feel guilty because you deserve someone". It's just such a pessimistic way to say a potentially nice sentiment. As if your 24 year old broken hearted girlfriend wants to hear that it's a plausible possibility that they might be alone for ever, enough so to raise this possibility in conversation. F*uck him. The only reason he would ever have to pity me would be if our relationship had lasted, he hadn't met anyone else with a vagina who was slightly interested in him to cheat on me with, and I'd have ended up with the weak, selfish, self-entitled, lying, negative person that he proved himself to be. That I ended up with him, someone who could never appreciate me for the person that I am, because he's so caught up in his own unappreciative, self-obsessed bullsh*t.

[SelfCentered]

It just sucks, you know. I loved him so much. I never, ever would have done to him what he did to me. I know it's easy to say that, but I can honestly look deep into myself and know that I wouldn't have. It's wrong to treat a person like that, simple as that. "Alls fair in love and war" is a bullsh*t cop-out. All isn't fair in war either, you shouldn't blow up an enemy's hospital, that's not fair, that's just wrong. God, am I becoming so self-indulgent that I compare my suffering over a break up to the bombing of a hospital? It's just that stupid saying annoys me.

 

I've had similar thoughts the past few weeks! It's just a good metaphor that shows you're a good person that hasn't become bitter and jaded.

[solobeary]

Hello.

 

It's nice having this place to write something about how I feel before I go to bed each night.

 

I'm just so lonely. I have friends, not a lot, but a few nice ones. I've made some new ones this year, too, and that's great.

 

I just find it really hard to get close to people. I've always been quite reserved, guarded, as much as I want to be warmer and more open and touchy-feely I just don't know how. I miss that intimacy that I had in the relationship so incredibly much, it just feels like a gaping void missing from my life now. Sitting around together doing nothing, the cuddles, someone to send 100% pointless texts to...

 

I'm pretty fine with going to bed alone now. After 3.5 years of going to bed with him pretty much every night I've gotten used to having it all to myself again. It's been a very cold summer so far, and I have a nice wool quilt that I snuggle into (which I actually bought as a present for him but he broke up with me before I could give it to him...! It doesn't remind me of him fortunately, it's my own lovely quilt). It's in the evenings before bed that I get lonely. I entertain myself, like I always did. But I just miss having him around.

[solobeary]

Why do I care so much about him? I hate talking like this, but, honestly, I can do better. He was always too caught up in himself to ever put a real effort into me or the relationship. He made me feel bad about myself, he was so critical and judgemental of me. I let him, because I loved him and I know I'm not perfect and there's a lot of things I hate about myself and I want to become a better person. I couldn't see at the time that feeling judged all the time isn't the way to become a better person, that in fact it dragged me down and left me in a worse place in some ways than where I started out. I was in love for 4 years, and I still have no ****ing idea what it feels like to be on the receiving end of "unconditional" love, though I know how to be on the giving end and he knew it. (That word is problematic but there's no other concise way of saying what I mean. Just "not feeling judged", I guess. "Feeling understood".) The only person in my life who has ever made me feel like they love me and support me no matter what happens is my brother (and for that I should be incredibly grateful to him).

 

I can do better. Being single is better. I'm no longer devoting my life to a person who is selfish, deceitful, judgemental, unreliable and crazy. My head knows that, but my heart misses him so much.

[solobeary]

Happy two week no contact anniversary, me! Small victories...

 

These two weeks haven't been so bad. This weekend was nice, even.

 

My long-term goal that cheers me up sometimes:

 

At the end of 2012 I graduate with a qualification that is reasonably in-demand. I don't want to go into full-time work straight away, I'll only be 25. I have my whole life for that. I have a little bit of money saved (although I've been spending a bit too much lately to try and cheer myself up..). I'm going to work more next year and I hope to save a little bit more.

 

I'm going to travel, by myself. I've done a reasonable amount of travelling, but always with others. I travelled for a few months with a friend, then for 10 months with the ex (in my opinion, he's a fricken' idiot for dumping someone he could get along with for that long travelling on the cheap, but that's a different story...). I haven't travelled alone for very long periods of time. I tried when I was 20, but I was silly and immature and got really lonely and made stupid decisions (nothing catastrophic, just things that made the holiday less fun like befriending the wrong people and going to the wrong places for me). I think that's something I want to experience, and when I'm still young. I'll stay in hostels and I'm female and reasonably friendly so surely I won't get too lonely and will have fun and meet cool people. Plus this break up honestly has taught me something about loneliness. God I've felt lonely sometimes, even when surrounded by the city I grew up in. At least feeling lonely on the road on the other side of the world will feel justified, rewarding, even.

 

Imagining myself leaving this city for a while, being somewhere new, doing my own thing, meeting new people, moving on when I want to. It's a comforting thought.

[solobeary]

I've been "lucky", in that my ex moved 1000ks away almost immediately after the break up. I know (because he told me when we were in low contact) that he's going to be in the same city as me for a few days. He'd be here right now, for a few days (not sure how long, but I don't think very many days. I think that's gotten me down a bit. Even though it shouldn't, but little pointless things seem to get me down since I've been heartbroken...

[solobeary]

Merry Christmas, coping log! 3am Christmas morning here in Australia, need to go to bed...

 

Officially 3 weeks no contact. That's the longest it's been since the break up.

 

He'd be leaving my city today I would guess, if he's not gone already.

 

Christmas day I'll eat a lot of nice food (I really don't want to gain the weight back that I've lost since the break up, but I need to get through these bloody holidays somehow...), spend time with my family (although a little too much time, my family do not understand the concept of quality over quantity...)... keep getting better, I hope.

Edited December 24, 2011 by solobeary

[solobeary]

Happy new year! Happy ONE MONTH no contact!

 

I celebrated midnight on New Years Eve dancing to this song live:

 

 

pretty fitting, no?

 

I actually had a pretty nice new years. My friend who I went with was kind of mellow. I was also with a bunch of friends-of-friends who were all in various degrees of unfulfilling relationships, which made me feel better about being single and waiting for something great to maybe/hopefully come along one day. I was the happy one enjoying myself and dancing! Weird.

 

Then I had a bit of a come down on the night of the 1st and the 2nd, I suppose it hit me once again: New Year. Last year really is all over, all behind me. Now I feel pretty fine again. Hopefully this continues.

 

New Years Resolutions:

-do not contact the ex.

-start going to a meditation class

-go to that drawing club occasionally

-cycle to work every day

-focus on friendship, new opportunities, and my hobbies. I have my whole life to be in a relationship, try and enjoy being young and single.

-have an overseas internship/trip planned and ready for when I graduate at the end of 2012.

[solobeary]

Hello! LS has been down every time I checked in the past month, I thought this website was dead.

 

I'm 2000ks away from home for 7 weeks, I've been here for 2 weeks now. I'm doing a work placement for my degree. I'm in the middle of nowhere, the people I'm living with are a bit annoying, I barely know anyone out here, and my work can be a bit tough. But I feel so much better. Plus my work colleagues are lovely which is good, and it's a really pretty town here. I think it's just been so good to get away from my home city, get away from all the memories there for a bit.

 

Also, I'm still taking St John's wort every day and I think it has really helped bring me up from my sadness.

 

 

About a week ago I was waiting for my computer to start up and the thought popped into my head "I dodged a bullet with my ex dumping me". By that I meant I probably never would have left him, even though I should have. I genuinely believed it, too. I opened my email, and there was an email from my ex. A totally unexpected email. A somewhat unwanted email. All the emotion came flooding back. I read it straight away, and probably about 20 more times that day, I kept going back to it to re-read it. It was his usual mind-****. It was along the lines of:

 

"you told me not to contact you but I just wanted to write to say that even when I am overseas things still remind me of times we shared, all of them positive memories. Other things have been happening in my life that make me realise* that I still think and talk about you a lot. I just want to apologise about the way I ended things, you didn't deserve it and I'm not the person I thought I was if I could treat you that way**. No need to reply I just wanted to say that I am very sorry. PS I'm sorry I never appreciated how smart and perceptive you are***"

 

My thoughts on this:

*I would bet a lot of money that by this he means he's started seeing someone else. Somehow I just know that's what he means by this. And, gee, wow, he's probably upsetting his new girlfriend by mentioning me a bit too often. So I'm sure as hell not going to get back in contact with him for him upset the hell out of me when he starts talking to me about her. The same way as he'd quietly resent me and bitch about me while we were together, instead of confronting problems.

** I did genuinely appreciate this bit. He isn't the person he thought he was. He isn't the person I thought he was. I'm glad he said that for himself. I've wanted to yell that at him a million times, but I knew there was no point.

***Because he never complimented me on my intelligence when we were together, despite the fact I was doing really hard study for much of that time and feeling **** about myself and my degree and I really needed to hear it occasionally. I don't want someone to tell me I'm a genius everyday, I don't want to become an egomaniac through a relationship, but I realise now that he made me feel worse about myself which definitely isn't right either.

 

And by "perceptive" I'm sure he means that he finally realised that one incredibly obvious observation I made (that would be crystal clear to any normal person but that he vigorously denied) is actually correct. Maybe the fact that jumping from girl to girl doesn't solve your serious problems.

 

 

 

 

 

As you can see, I've been thinking about it way too much. I've saved it to my computer and deleted it like I did with all the other ones so I don't read it anymore. But, honestly, I wish he'd never broken No Contact. It's set me back a little, although also made me realise the incredible importance of no contact which will keep me stronger in the long run so I won't get sucked back into his mean, selfish, horrible little world.

 

 

I did reply, only because we still have one practical loose end to tie up that has been incredibly protracted (because he was half-arsed about it when we were together and I wasn't assertive enough to sort it out when we were together and I never thought we'd break up it has been a massive deal to tidy up when we broke up). I don't want to go into details because I'm paranoid enough about pouring out my heart on this thing that I don't want to include too many personal details too...

 

So a few days later I replied and just said "thank you for apologising, I appreciate it. blablabla boring practical loose ends." No hello, no sign off. He replied about the practical details and I replied with practical details. It still won't be sorted until April, although he shouldn't have to get in contact with me about it until then and then it will be all over for good.

 

Back to No Contact.

 

Thanks for being a place for my thoughts.

[Exit]

Glad you are feeling alright. The type of contact you are getting from him seems very annoying, all that nonsense but never does he really get around to saying that he should still be with you, or wants to be. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you want to hear from him anyway, but still, if I were to go to the effort to make these long drawn out apologies to an ex, I'd only do so if I had the nerve to follow it up with "do you think we could ever reconsider things". You say you have a hunch that maybe these "life experiences" he's going through means he's seeing somebody else, and you may be right, and that may be why he reaches out to you without really making it sound like he wants to repair things. But really, why even torture someone you dumped by bringing up old memories and keeping the wounds open by sending these apologies without any real point to the message. It's almost like he wants to send you these messages in the hopes that your response will be that you wish it could work out some day. Almost like he wants you to say what he doesn't have the nerve to.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling on about a non-existent point anyway, because it sounds like you want nothing to do with him, so it really doesn't matter what he is or isn't saying. If you really wish it would stop though, I might not spur him on with approval like "thanks for the apology" without at least adding "but you don't need to keep contacting me about that type of stuff, let's just talk when we need to take care of our remaining business". Speaking of which, I don't know the nature of the remaining loose ends, but it's a shame for your healing that you say it can't be completely resolved until April. If that's definitely the case and there's no way to speed it up, then you should just get in touch when the time comes and not entertain any further contact from him.

 

Sometimes we complain about how these people contact us, but in some cases I sense that we could put a stop to it if we really wanted to. You could block his email until April and then get in touch about the business when it comes time, if you were really tired of the half-hearted apology contacts. Just a thought. But I understand if you are trying to keep things on civil terms to make sure he will be cooperative when it comes time to finalize these loose ends.

 

Keep on enjoying yourself and hopefully he stops sending these messages.