What I've noticed about CONFESSIONS and WHY they DON'T work

[Meeks7]

Hello Loveshack. Been lurking for a couple weeks, now I want to voice my own 2 cents and share my experiences with the people here. First, about me, as the Train song goes

 

"I've been high,

I've been low,

I've been yes (as in, "yes, I'd do ya" by the ladies)

And I've been Oh, HELL NO!"

 

In other words, I'm an average guy. I've had my fair share of success with the ladies, but also bombed more than my fair share.

 

I really want to share my perspective on this whole confession routine guys do. The times I've been successful with the girls has been when we've been connecting (and it's not just my imagination) and then I kiss her.

 

Simple. Action. Confidence. Self-assurance. Taking control.

 

The times I have bombed with girls is when I get too caught up, think TOO highly of them (AKA putting them on a pedestal) and then confessing my feelings to a girl.

 

My last two crushes were confessions and it ended badly for me. I now have a theory about this.

 

When a girl digs you, it's really a natural flow. You'll know she likes you, like, without a doubt. If you can't assuredly bet $50 that she likes you back, then it probably means she doesn't. Girls can be subtle, yes, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell. If she's initiating a lot of contact, asking you out 1 on 1, smiling, laughing, giggling, touching... all good signs. This leads naturally to a kiss... which does not involve words.

 

When I've confessed, I realized I wasn't sure whether the girl liked me or not. In one case, the girl totally did not. In another case, the girl wasn't sure whether she liked me or not... but once I confessed, it made things awkward.

 

Here's what I've found out as well... here's why.

 

When you confess, the girl panics, IF she doesn't like you back, or is unsure. It's just a natural reaction on her part.

 

Also, if you haven't got your life "together" quite yet, this may cause more alarm for her. She'll start to observe you from afar, and because you confessed, she will naturally (subconsciously) look for reasons NOT to date you or be your girlfriend.

 

My latest crush I'm trying a new experiment. I'm done with the cheesy rom-com confessions. It's been hard, but I've been able to stop myself. I think she has an inkling that I like her, but because I haven't confessed, she can't accuse me or think of me like I really do like her, because she has no proof.

 

Thus, she's been able to observe me from afar, but WITHOUT the pressure of knowing for sure that I like her, because I haven't confessed.

 

Does that make sense? It's like... psychologically, the girl feels "safe" because she can wait, check you out, see what kind of BF-material you might make (or potential husband) without all that icky awkwardness of "Oooh, that guy confessed his undying love to me."

 

In other words, girls like a little mystery. When you confess, you've used up all your ammo. If a girl is on the fence, she will likely retreat. However, if a girl is on the fence about you, and you DON'T confess, somehow, it keeps you in the running so to speak. You still have some bullets left in your chamber.

 

She can observe you and feel safe, not awkward, because you haven't confessed yet. And you gotta play it cool around her as well. Can't be all awkward, breathing heavily, sweating and totally conveying with your body language that you would worship the ground she walks on.

 

Just a theory about confessions and why they don't work unless the girl is digging you back. It's just heavy and girls naturally recoil if you're not their dream guy.

 

And think about it... how many guys are confessing their undying love to girls these days? A girl isn't dumb... if she's even halfway decent looking, I can bet you she has at least 3 guys chasing her at ANY time... and these guys confess... but they're not her dream guy, so guess what... she naturally is scared and retreats... but YOU... who haven't confessed... you are still in the game. She'll look at you and say "Huh... I wonder what's his deal.. does he like me or not... do *I* like him or not..." and the more girls think and see you in action, the more of a possibility you become in their eyes.

 

Does this make sense?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I thought this was going to be about "confessions", and not merely about being honest about your feelings.

 

 

"Confessions" - as if you did something wrong...

 

 

I can't even fathom why you wouldn't want to be honest with somebody you're interested in dating. The first reason for doing so being so you only have half as much stuff to remember and keep track of!

[coffee.girl]

I thought this was going to be about "confessions", and not merely about being honest about your feelings.

 

"Confessions" - as if you did something wrong...

 

I can't even fathom why you wouldn't want to be honest with somebody you're interested in dating.

 

I think Meeks7 post is less about being dishonest or 'hiding' your feelings, and more about keeping your cool. There is such a thing as too-much-too-soon!

 

I think this is something that affects younger guys (and girls) who are still in that "I like you - I need to know if you like me back - then we can go around holding hands" phase. In my experience, it's much more effective (and attractive) to have a "Hey - I'm attracted to you - let's go on a date and see if this could go anywhere/we have chemistry before either of us get too invested" mentality. If no, no big deal.

 

When you are secretly crushing on another person from afar (without actually interacting/flirting etc.), you project a lot more on to that person than they do on you, even if they have “noticed” you. There's a huge chance of disillusionment.

 

I've been in the situation before where a co worker has 'confessed' he 'liked' me (out of the blue, no flirtation or any indication of interest leading up to the confession). The thing was, the "confession" was as far as his plan went... it was rather awkward when I had to gently suggest he ask me on a date (and before anyone asks... no it didn't go far after an initial couple of dates).

[Untouchable_Fire]

I thought this was going to be about "confessions", and not merely about being honest about your feelings.

"Confessions" - as if you did something wrong...

I can't even fathom why you wouldn't want to be honest with somebody you're interested in dating. The first reason for doing so being so you only have half as much stuff to remember and keep track of!

 

Great Avatar! The Ballard Troll!!!

[Meeks7]

I think Meeks7 post is less about being dishonest or 'hiding' your feelings, and more about keeping your cool. There is such a thing as too-much-too-soon!

 

I've been in the situation before where a co worker has 'confessed' he 'liked' me (out of the blue, no flirtation or any indication of interest leading up to the confession). The thing was, the "confession" was as far as his plan went... it was rather awkward when I had to gently suggest he ask me on a date (and before anyone asks... no it didn't go far after an initial couple of dates).

 

 

Yes, I'm definitely not talking about being dishonest or hiding your feelings. I'm talking about keeping one's cool. There is a time for everything. Timing is critical in all things.

 

Has any girl here on Loveshack ever became a guy's GF after he confessed and you either were on the fence about him or didn't even like him that way to begin with?

 

Curious what the results of that are.

 

I just think "I like you" confessions are extremely ineffective because it's not very masculine for one, and it's a plain selfish lazy cop-out for being a man. OK, you like her, but now what?

 

Better to say "Can I take you out to dinner this weekend?"

 

Boom. Done. She gets that you like you, without you having to say those icky words "Um... Denise... I like you. Do you like me?"

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'll validate this post

 

There's only been one time where I was giddy when a man confessed that he had been really into me --- the dozens of others just made things awkward and off-putting.

[Meeks7]

I'll validate this post

 

There's only been one time where I was giddy when a man confessed that he had been really into me --- the dozens of others just made things awkward and off-putting.

 

 

Right?!

 

I bet you're AT LEAST a halfway decent looking lady, and you already said you've had DOZENS of guys confess to you.

 

This is my whole point, guys! Don't be the ME TOO crowd. You think your crush hasn't been confessed to dozens of times before? YES SHE HAS! So be original. Sometimes, sadly in this day and age, being bold IS original.

 

Confessing is just shooting yourself in your own foot. Save the heavy stuff for when you guys are a serious couple progressing toward marriage.

 

Until then, keep it light!

[Stratocaster]

I'm having this same internal conflict also. I'm 80% sure this girl likes me, and I kind of like her too. I was thinking about confessing until I read this post. Now I'm not quite sure what to do.

Any advice y'all can give me? Should I ask her out?

If so, I need to do it soon.

[phineas]

I'm having this same internal conflict also. I'm 80% sure this girl likes me, and I kind of like her too. I was thinking about confessing until I read this post. Now I'm not quite sure what to do.

Any advice y'all can give me? Should I ask her out?

If so, I need to do it soon.

 

Ask her out on a date.

Nothing major & preferably in-expensive & quiet so you can talk.

Ice skating is cool for instance & gives you a chance to hold her hand.

 

If she rejects, then you've just saved yourself months of agonizing over whether she likes you or not.

 

 

But, be clear it's a date & play it cool.

Asking her out on a date is a clear way of showing you like her.

[Meeks7]

Ask her out on a date.

Nothing major & preferably in-expensive & quiet so you can talk.

Ice skating is cool for instance & gives you a chance to hold her hand.

 

If she rejects, then you've just saved yourself months of agonizing over whether she likes you or not.

 

 

But, be clear it's a date & play it cool.

Asking her out on a date is a clear way of showing you like her.

 

 

I will vouch for this advice.

 

Don't say I Like YOU!

 

But do ask her out on a date.

 

Either: "May I take you out on a date this ___?"

 

OR

 

"May I take you out to dinner this ____?"

 

Both questions pretty much tell her your interest WITHOUT directly stating it. For whatever reason, it's less heavy than "I LIKE YOU" because you're playing it cool, and it bodes well to the girl that if she got into a relationship with her, you'll be her leader or at least, equals. But definitely not her whipping boy. Women don't want boys. Women want MEN.

[monkey00]

I think it's just human nature not to accept things at face value, otherwise you can be considered naive. No matter what actions will always speak louder than words when it comes to romance. Don't give into those rom-coms, it's all for the audience...it rarely works in real life.

 

Your post kind of reminds me of break-ups. The harder someone tries to latch onto someone and confess their everything and convince someone to stay with them, it actually backfires often. When the opposite is done and the person is able to let go/walk away, there is a higher chance of getting back together. But of course you just have to reflect on it and come back a new person, changed.

[jobaba]

When a girl digs you, it's really a natural flow. You'll know she likes you, like, without a doubt. If you can't assuredly bet $50 that she likes you back, then it probably means she doesn't. Girls can be subtle, yes, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell. If she's initiating a lot of contact, asking you out 1 on 1, smiling, laughing, giggling, touching... all good signs. This leads naturally to a kiss... which does not involve words.

 

I really like this topic, but I disagree with your conclusion. I'm not going to get into the times I've interpreted a woman's actions as signals of interest, but rest assured, they were STRONG signals. All of which you mention above and more. There are really strong signs anytime you are a good looking guy, but if you are not, then it's vague.

 

I think this is something that affects younger guys (and girls) who are still in that "I like you - I need to know if you like me back - then we can go around holding hands" phase. In my experience, it's much more effective (and attractive) to have a "Hey - I'm attracted to you - let's go on a date and see if this could go anywhere/we have chemistry before either of us get too invested" mentality. If no, no big deal.

 

When you are secretly crushing on another person from afar (without actually interacting/flirting etc.), you project a lot more on to that person than they do on you, even if they have “noticed” you. There's a huge chance of disillusionment.

 

I agree. This is how I have been trending and will approach things from now on. Friends first is deader than dead. I'm going to face a lot of rejection, but the emotional investment will be minimal.

 

I'll validate this post

 

There's only been one time where I was giddy when a man confessed that he had been really into me --- the dozens of others just made things awkward and off-putting.

 

I'm curious as to how you would rate yourself as a female. Didn't I read in another thread you're a self confessed anime geek in her early 20s. Dozens of guys have confessed their love to you?

 

I don't mean it in an off-putting way. Just curious.

[jobaba]

I will vouch for this advice.

 

Don't say I Like YOU!

 

But do ask her out on a date.

 

Either: "May I take you out on a date this ___?"

 

OR

 

"May I take you out to dinner this ____?"

 

Both questions pretty much tell her your interest WITHOUT directly stating it. For whatever reason, it's less heavy than "I LIKE YOU" because you're playing it cool, and it bodes well to the girl that if she got into a relationship with her, you'll be her leader or at least, equals. But definitely not her whipping boy. Women don't want boys. Women want MEN.

 

Yea. There's a problem with this logic though.

 

If you confessed to a woman that you've worked with for 3 weeks that "I like you", then yes it's awkward and asking for a date is more natural.

 

But, why would you ask a friend who you've developed feelings for on a date? You already know everything about her and have hung out one on one tons of times. The purpose of a date is to feel out someone. In that situation, you'd just have to bite the bullet and confess or decide to drop it.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'm curious as to how you would rate yourself as a female. Didn't I read in another thread you're a self confessed anime geek in her early 20s. Dozens of guys have confessed their love to you?

 

I don't mean it in an off-putting way. Just curious.

 

Hmm? I used to watch anime and read manga... several years ago. My hobbies and interests are very diverse... I'm also in my mid-twenties.

 

And what kind of rating scale are you referring to?

 

Physically... I seem to be between 7-9, as for as rudimentary rating goes LoL (I've pictures up in my profile ).

 

Otherwise... there's a myriad of things about me that seem to draw poor unsuspecting men (and women) in. The catch to me is that I have BPD ... there's a very frightening side of me that unravels whenever I begin to develop "intimate emotions" towards someone.............. seldom does that occur though (for better or worse... people tend to entwine themselves with a fantasy version of me and pine pine pine.......... while the few I do fall for end up in shambles, lol... in reality, I am toxic. But apparently irresistible either way ).

Edited December 3, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[runner]

the OP is correct. save your confessions for your death bed and play it cool.

 

I think Meeks7 post is less about being dishonest or 'hiding' your feelings, and more about keeping your cool. There is such a thing as too-much-too-soon!

 

I think this is something that affects younger guys (and girls) who are still in that "I like you - I need to know if you like me back - then we can go around holding hands" phase. In my experience, it's much more effective (and attractive) to have a "Hey - I'm attracted to you - let's go on a date and see if this could go anywhere/we have chemistry before either of us get too invested" mentality. If no, no big deal.

 

When you are secretly crushing on another person from afar (without actually interacting/flirting etc.), you project a lot more on to that person than they do on you, even if they have “noticed” you. There's a huge chance of disillusionment.

 

yep, yep and yep.

 

I've been in the situation before where a co worker has 'confessed' he 'liked' me (out of the blue, no flirtation or any indication of interest leading up to the confession). The thing was, the "confession" was as far as his plan went... it was rather awkward when I had to gently suggest he ask me on a date (and before anyone asks... no it didn't go far after an initial couple of dates).

 

[jobaba]

Hmm? I used to watch anime and read manga... several years ago. My hobbies and interests are very diverse... I'm also in my mid-twenties.

 

And what kind of rating scale are you referring to?

 

Physically... I seem to be between 7-9, as for as rudimentary rating goes LoL (I've pictures up in my profile ).

 

Otherwise... there's a myriad of things about me that seem to draw poor unsuspecting men (and women) in. The catch to me is that I have BPD ... there's a very frightening side of me that unravels whenever I begin to develop "intimate emotions" towards someone.............. seldom does that occur though (for better or worse... people tend to entwine themselves with a fantasy version of me and pine pine pine.......... while the few I do fall for end up in shambles, lol... in reality, I am toxic. But apparently irresistible either way ).

 

OK. Your pictures answered my question.

[Meeks7]

So, my male friend confessed to his female friend last night.

 

It bombed, lol.

 

I tried to warn him, but he was too emotional and "too far gone" and like coffeegirl said, it was a HUGE case of disillusionment.

 

The sad/funny thing is, I have experienced disillusionment many times before, but when I'm caught in it I can't, or I refuse, to see that.

 

When I'm not involved, I can clearly see who is disillusioned and who isn't.

 

I guess that's why you have the ole cliche "Love blinds"

 

Or more like "puppy love blinds"

 

We'll see what the aftermath for my friend and his female friend is, but I expect it to be fragmented and things will be awkward between them from now on.

 

Another one bites the dust...

[jobaba]

So, my male friend confessed to his female friend last night.

 

It bombed, lol.

 

I tried to warn him, but he was too emotional and "too far gone" and like coffeegirl said, it was a HUGE case of disillusionment.

 

The sad/funny thing is, I have experienced disillusionment many times before, but when I'm caught in it I can't, or I refuse, to see that.

 

When I'm not involved, I can clearly see who is disillusioned and who isn't.

 

I guess that's why you have the ole cliche "Love blinds"

 

Or more like "puppy love blinds"

 

We'll see what the aftermath for my friend and his female friend is, but I expect it to be fragmented and things will be awkward between them from now on.

 

Another one bites the dust...

 

I'm curious as to what you think the disillusion part is though.

 

Obviously if a man has known a woman 3 weeks and is thinking marriage, that is disillusionment. That's puppy love.

 

But when it's two people who know each other, it's simply a case of unrequited love.

 

Why is a man disillusioned when he develops feelings for a woman he has gotten to know?

[Meeks7]

But when it's two people who know each other, it's simply a case of unrequited love.

 

Semantics. Unrequited love, disillusionment... whatever you want to call it, it's still the same. One has feelings, the other does not.

 

 

Why is a man disillusioned when he develops feelings for a woman he has gotten to know?

 

No, that's what I said. If you interpreted it that way, then you misinterpreted what I was trying to convey.

 

I'm saying DEPENDING on the situation, a guy can easily be disillusioned (or a girl for that matter).

 

IN THIS CASE, I know my friend Joe. He's one of my good friends. We go back to high school. I also knew the girl he liked, whom he was friends with. I could clearly see from afar that she didn't think of him anything beyond "He's a platonic friend" but he was head over heels for her.

 

I told him she doesn't see him that way so confessing would be a huge mistake.

 

He got angry at me and said I didn't know what I was talking about.

 

Hence, the disillusionment.

 

I saw reality, while he chose to see HIS reality of the situation... which was clearly off, thus, he was disillusioned.

 

So it depends on whether the girl likes the guy back or not, and his ability to accept if she doesn't that makes all the difference between being disillusioned or not.

[jobaba]

Semantics. Unrequited love, disillusionment... whatever you want to call it, it's still the same. One has feelings, the other does not.

 

 

 

 

No, that's what I said. If you interpreted it that way, then you misinterpreted what I was trying to convey.

 

I'm saying DEPENDING on the situation, a guy can easily be disillusioned (or a girl for that matter).

 

IN THIS CASE, I know my friend Joe. He's one of my good friends. We go back to high school. I also knew the girl he liked, whom he was friends with. I could clearly see from afar that she didn't think of him anything beyond "He's a platonic friend" but he was head over heels for her.

 

I told him she doesn't see him that way so confessing would be a huge mistake.

 

He got angry at me and said I didn't know what I was talking about.

 

Hence, the disillusionment.

 

I saw reality, while he chose to see HIS reality of the situation... which was clearly off, thus, he was disillusioned.

 

So it depends on whether the girl likes the guy back or not, and his ability to accept if she doesn't that makes all the difference between being disillusioned or not.

 

Oh. I see. Well, obviously I would never confess feelings to a woman who has sprayed mace at my face before or has called me an ugly mule, but I have tended to go for women who have shown mixed signals. Sometimes, guys like me just have to bite the bullet. It's not like I have girls coming up to me saying, "Take me home."

 

But yea, I'm always realistic about my chances of failure. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as much, but I always EXPECT to be shot down.

 

Yes, there's a lot of validity in your new approach as a way to safeguard from heartbreak. It's not foolproof though. Sometimes your read of their signals will be correct, sometimes it will be wrong.

[Meeks7]

Oh. I see. Well, obviously I would never confess feelings to a woman who has sprayed mace at my face before or has called me an ugly mule, but I have tended to go for women who have shown mixed signals. Sometimes, guys like me just have to bite the bullet. It's not like I have girls coming up to me saying, "Take me home."

 

But yea, I'm always realistic about my chances of failure. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as much, but I always EXPECT to be shot down.

 

Yes, there's a lot of validity in your new approach as a way to safeguard from heartbreak. It's not foolproof though. Sometimes your read of their signals will be correct, sometimes it will be wrong.

 

 

Right. Love involves (some element of) risk taking, for sure.

This is another reason why it's not a bad idea to get feedback from friends, because when we're caught up in the situation we bend reality to suit our desires (i.e. disillusionment can creep in real fast). This is why it helps to have friends speak the truth to us in love. Like what I tried to do with Joe. "Dude, she talks about guys she likes around you. That is not what a girl who digs you would do!"

 

He was off in total ga-ga land and he thought if ONLY she knew his undying love for her for the past 10 months that she would fall for him.

 

Like a rom-com.

 

But life just doesn't work that way (in most cases).

 

You are right that sometimes we guys receive mixed signals. This is where we must be wise and discerning, and also have close friends who care for us to help us assess the situation. In whatever case, never confess. Instead, ask her out on a date and make it very direct so she can't fall under the false pretense that it's just "hanging out" (either call it a date or ask her if you can take her out to dinner... boom, done)

[somedude81]

Ah, confessing feelings to women.

 

Sure way to get your heartbroken.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think Meeks7 post is less about being dishonest or 'hiding' your feelings, and more about keeping your cool. There is such a thing as too-much-too-soon!

 

 

 

... then none of his posts to date in this thread have anything to do with "confessing".

[Meeks7]

Ah, confessing feelings to women.

 

Sure way to get your heartbroken.

 

Right? It's never worked for me. The girlfriends I've had, came because I took action (as in, I went for the kiss and they reciprocated)

No lousy words. Just decisive action, and women like that.

 

 

... then none of his posts to date in this thread have anything to do with "confessing".

 

Uh, OK....

 

Maybe it's more NOT confessing (and why) than it is about confessing.

[waveforms]

The times I have bombed with girls is when I get too caught up, think TOO highly of them (AKA putting them on a pedestal) and then confessing my feelings to a girl.

 

My last two crushes were confessions and it ended badly for me. I now have a theory about this.

 

When a girl digs you, it's really a natural flow. You'll know she likes you, like, without a doubt. If you can't assuredly bet $50 that she likes you back, then it probably means she doesn't. Girls can be subtle, yes, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell.

 

I like this $50 bet idea. I read somewhere that men over estimate their chances with a woman. Meanwhile woman under estimate their chances with a man. It has something to do with evolution and the cost of being wrong.

 

Most of us have been there, sometimes you can't help yourself. You want to kick yourself afterwards. Guys usually resort to the 'confession' tactic (or something like it) because they know subconsciously that they are behind on the scoreboard and it is time to try a 'hail mary' pass into the end zone.

 

The good thing is that women are usually pretty good at figuring out if the two of you match. Even if now your heart aches, later you will see her without those 'crush goggles' and see that she was right.