idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 My wife is talking to a guy we both know, alot. She complains about me (we have had some heated fights recently), tells him he is sexy, told him she had a sex dream about him and they seem to talk alot about sex and flirt back and forth. All this happens through a messenger service. I will ask her who she is talking to and she never tells me she is talking to him, I even casually brought him up and she said she doesent really talk to him at all. She will completely over exagerate our fights too to make me look like a complete ******* to him. Now I would love to bring this up to her but since I am using a phone spy programe to get this info I don't think that would be very wise. What should I do? I am thinking of not mentioning it, do a little bit more to show her how much she means to me (I haven't been the best at this in the past) and hope she stops before it becomes more than it is with this guy. Or should I find some way to tell her I know?
findingnemo Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well, she's lying to you already. That's a real bad sign. But you should confront her about it. Don't tell her about the spyware. Just tell you know something is up. Tell her that you are warning her that the consequences will be swift and decisive should you find that she had an A. Confronting her will make her choose because she'll be clear about what will happen next. Do not have a discussion about it. She'll only use to to figure out how you found out. Even if she accuses you of spying on her (it's really the only plausible way), she won't know for sure unless you confirm it. Then it'll become you being a possessive and paranoid H. Just warn her and go about your business as usual. Leave the spyware in place. I hope she isn't savvy enough to discover it.
sadcalifornian Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Find out about the other guy. If he's married, contact the OMW. If he is single, let him that you know. It's always easier to put a stop to it before it gets too serious. It seems now it's just EA in early budding stage. So, she won't contemplate leaving the M now. Confront her demanding her to stop talking to him. If you don't want to reveal the source, then don't. Let her wonder how you know. But, don't reveal the source. It will take probably several confrontations to see any serious effect on her. Also, even if she promises to end the contact, do not ever trust her words. And, the each subsequent confrontation has to be made more strongly and firmly, possibly with D threat ultimately. Also, you can use exposure card to your inlaws and friends.
Author idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Now here is the twist..... I did this once. She knows about it because I told her. I told her after I stumbled on her talking to this guy. All I did was talk to the girl and it was ended months ago. I told her how bad I felt (which I did and is why I didn't let it go further than just talking sexy) and that I want to focus on us and wanted to be open with her. It felt good telling her but she did seem to take it well, thanking me for coming forward with it. This happened 2 days ago that I told her. Since then I have made every effort to show her how much she means to me and she shows no unhappyness to my face and tells me how happy she is but has continued to talk to this guy this way. She even talked about how she would never do anything like that and how she never has in the past. Maybe I am thinking too much into it though, idk. If I remove the names maybe I should post the convo's and get some opinions on what exactly is happening between them?
Leelou Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) It's very possible that she will burn out with her 'penpal' and it won't amount to anything at all. If HE pursues her and she responds, then obviously it can lead to an affair, however, she may just be pushing the envelope and seeing how sexy and attractive she feels by flirting with him, knowing full well it's her lil secret and you don't know anything about it. All I know is that if a person WANTS to cheat, they WILL (no matter if you're nice or mean to them) and if a person wants to be FAITHFUL, they WILL no matter what. So, it basically boils down to how she wants it to go down. The way guys 'get lucky' with a married woman, or a gorgeous (usually unavailable) girl is because the guy happens to be in the right place at the right time (not so much that he's great stuff Affair Partner material)... she wants to get it on with someone, and the First Someone that takes the bait and pursues her, will land up with pussy. So what's the fastest way to dissuade her from testing the affair waters? By nipping it in the bud. If you ignore it and merely monitor the computer, she may or may not stop herself from having an affair, however, this may well pave the way for a Future Affair. Her boundaries will be lax, and in the future she may push the flirting and sex talk and husband trashing more, to the point where she sleeps with some man. It becomes easier to cross boundaries, when it is done in stages. So don't let her get away with this first stage. However if you give her severe consequences NOW for what she's done wrong (and she knows she's doing wrong, because she is now on record as she's 'never done THAT' -- what you did -- sexting etc. Bottom line is that she has become disrespectful to you. Not only because she is openly showing interest in another man, but she is outright dissing you. Knowing what I know about affairs, I would suggest you come down hard on her and tell her you know what she's up to and 'punish' her in the form of negative consequences... because if you do not do this, you will unwittingly be teaching her and showing her that she can get away with the blurring of marital boundaries, with little to zero negative consequences. If she suffers in some way, she will think ten times over before trying it out again in the future, with the same guy or another, and another and another. I guess that's why there's the penal system in society -- makes you want to keep to the laws, because you don't like the consequences. She's disrespecting you. Just because it is behind your back does not mean you should ignore it. You need to show her you are a man and stand up to her and voice your strong disapproval, and be ready to show her the door. Let her get a shock and let her see you're strong and let her look up to you once more. Women do not respect wimps -- husband or not. Edited November 30, 2011 by Leelou
Author idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 i don't really think I am a position to come down hard on her though since I just told her that I did the same thing.
Leelou Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Yeah you can come down hard on her, since you gave her a chance to disclose and she lied to your face. Did you lie to her face? She actually outright stated she's never done that. Edited November 30, 2011 by Leelou
Author idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) thats true. I really kept the subject alive to when we were talking about it in hopes she would tell me. How do I confront her without her knowing I was spying though? I was thinking of telling her I got a random E-mail but Idk if that would work. And I never once said a bad thing about her to the girl I talked to. She has made me out to be the new aged hitler. Edited November 30, 2011 by idontno
Leelou Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 All you've done is given her an excuse to tell herself why it's okay that she's doing what she's doing -- since you did it, she can tell herself she's doing nothing worse than what you did. So, if you let it all get swept under the rug, then things will fester in the dark (in the unknown) and could grow into something worse. All I know is that when it comes to affairs, a marriage is better off with the TRUTH. Not you being concerned with how you look putting spyware on her, and not her being concerned with you knowing she's flirting online. Anyway, you can take a gamble -- you can hope this will die down on it's own and nothing will come of it, or you can jump out of the bushes and scare the living daylights out of her further down the line if their flirting gets worse and leads to an affair. However, why would you want to torture yourself, reading about her negative thoughts about you and allowing her to build intimacy with a strange man? You can just stand up and admit your part, and let her speak for her part. Why give it a chance to grow into something? As I said before, even if - in the best case scenario - it fizzles out, the stage is set for the NEXT opportunity where she may well allow a relationship to happen.... and you may not know about the next one, until it's too late. Isn't it better to work through the issues in your relationship that is allowing her to disrespect you to another man? Don't you want to do something about the problem sooner, rather than later? She's not going to like it any better, in the future, when you tell her you've been spying on her. Why not ease into it, and say you saw she left her Chat history open... and read it... she won't have reason to not believe you.
Leelou Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 You can say you read her chat history a little while back -- she won't remember if there was a chance she had left it open... whereas if you tell her right after she logs off, tomorrow, she will feel certain she logged off, and will begin to suspect you doing other stuff. So just say you saw her conversation some time back. Perhaps say that is why you admitted your flirting to her, but you see she didn't come clean with you. And ask her why? Does she want to throw your marriage away, or will she take this as a wake up call to begin to correct the stuff she's doing? You both have to do right by your marriage and agree to work on it...
Author idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 I think your right, I will wait a couple days and bring it up Thanks for the advice
Author idontno Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 well I couldent sleep all night so this morning I brought it up. I am glad I did. Thanks again for the advice
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 My wife is talking to a guy we both know, alot. She complains about me (we have had some heated fights recently), tells him he is sexy, told him she had a sex dream about him and they seem to talk alot about sex and flirt back and forth. All this happens through a messenger service. Then tell her, "if you complain about me and tell him he is sexy and you have dreams about him, then pack your bags and move in with him" Now I would love to bring this up to her but since I am using a phone spy programe to get this info I don't think that would be very wise. Why not? She obviously gave you reason to use it. And the program confirmed your suspicions. Ya I know, cheaters always pull out the, "You invaded my privacy" bulls**t. To which I say to them, tough toenails. On one hand you have invading privacy because you need confirmation on what your wife is doing, and on the other hand you have betrayal. Hmm. I'm gonna go with invasion of so-called privacy as the lesser evil here. What should I do? Gather the evidence from this spy program, print it out, or type it out, throw it in her lap, let her read it. Then when she makes a first comment, stop her dead in her tracks and simply say, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't ask you to get the F out of this house" I am thinking of not mentioning it, do a little bit more to show her how much she means to me (I haven't been the best at this in the past) and hope she stops before it becomes more than it is with this guy. Sure, you could do that. If you want to wrap yourself around her finger. I'm not saying you shouldn't put in a good effort in your marriage, but not in response to something like this. Because all you will be doing is bending over backwards to keep a cheater from cheating. I vote you confront her. Who cares that you have been looking at her phone. Too bad. But if you want to treat a cheater like a queen, well, good luck with that.
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 It felt good telling her but she did seem to take it well, thanking me for coming forward with it. This happened 2 days ago that I told her. Since then I have made every effort to show her how much she means to me and she shows no unhappyness to my face and tells me how happy she is but has continued to talk to this guy this way. I rest my case
Leelou Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 well I couldent sleep all night so this morning I brought it up. I am glad I did. Thanks again for the advice So how did it go? Is she blameshifting or what? You okay?
Author idontno Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 she feels terrible, never questioned my source once. I just told her that she wasent as sneaky as she thought she was and I know what's been going on. We have issues to work out that have been building for years. Those issues are basically what brought us to where we are today.
Leelou Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 she feels terrible, never questioned my source once. I just told her that she wasent as sneaky as she thought she was and I know what's been going on. We have issues to work out that have been building for years. Those issues are basically what brought us to where we are today. make sure you are real clear about the unacceptability of her - your wife - disrespecting you to another man,,, the height of showing zero respect! and you - show her some love asap.
robf1971 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 she feels terrible, never questioned my source once. I just told her that she wasent as sneaky as she thought she was and I know what's been going on. We have issues to work out that have been building for years. Those issues are basically what brought us to where we are today. But is she still chatting to him anyway?
turnera Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Just remember, YOU are in control of whether you two fight. If you want to be the better option, that's a good place to start. Get and read His Needs Her Needs by Harley, to see how to affair-proof your marriage.
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