M2155 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 At the risk of receiving some wrath on this site, I'm going to talk about why I left my wife of nearly 10 years and never looked back. Hi. I don't see a lot of wrath to be given. We all make mistakes and there is nothing wrong with breaking up and never looking back, that's probably the best way to break up. If you aren't right for each other, you aren't right. Both people participate in that. What I took issue with in my situation, was seeing the ex behind my back and then disappearing without so much as a real oh by the way, I'm breaking up with you. At least you made an attempt to say our piece.
Author lilyblue Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I feel like I'm talking to me from 4 months ago They don't want to deal with reaction period. Thats why our exes basically went cold and ignored us. They KNOW what they did is hurtful and don't want to watch. He may not see it as pathetic, but I think you might. Not only did he take the easy route out of the relationship, but you are also the only one making an effort. You want to reach out to someone who will probably brush you off as quickly and cordially as he can because it's too uncomfortable. That's what I got from my ex, awkwardness and distance. Your other ex that came back, sounds like he did that on his own, that's more sincere. If you went after him dumping feelings he probably wouldn't need to make any effort to speak with you on his own accord. All I'm saying is you will not get the response you want or end up feeling better as you think you will. It hurts and feels unfair they can walk out without a word and jump into their ready-made seemingly happy relationship. While I did fantasize this morning about throwing a rock through his window while he wasn't home while wearing shoes to big so they think a 5'9" man did it, the best revenge is picking up your life and choosing to leave him in the dust. It does sound like you know what I'm talking about There are so many stories on here of awful ex's who were outright mean to their SO's face. I feel so conflicted about not liking him because while I know what he did was not "nice", he never said anything un-nice, and I still sometimes believe this wasn't directed at me, but a result of his confusion over what he wants. Sometimes I feel like I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Over time I can't believe he wouldn't come back, but I'm honestly kind of terrified of the thought of him not. I just don't understand what could have driven him away forever, even from friendship. I hope to see him again at some point. I like your fantasy scenario! Sorry, these always seem to be tangential posts on my part. I start out on one topic and then feelings just stray all over the place. Thanks for continuing to read.
Author lilyblue Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 "Stop contacting him, find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated,loved." I've so far "succeeded" at point A. If only point B was that easy as just saying it. I've not found that many men that I have been interested in in my life. It's hard for me and it was so exciting to feel this way about someone. It was the happiest I had been in a relationship, by far. I can't even imagine starting over with someone I know nothing about. The chances of things working (even enough to just date) seem so small.
M2155 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) I feel so conflicted about not liking him because while I know what he did was not "nice", he never said anything un-nice, and I still sometimes believe this wasn't directed at me, but a result of his confusion over what he wants. Sometimes I feel like I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well he either cheated on you or failed to tell you he broke up with you. So both of those are pretty un-nice. You are right that none of it was about you at all, it was his confusion over what he wants. But in the end, he figured it out. That's not your fault. Over time I can't believe he wouldn't come back, but I'm honestly kind of terrified of the thought of him not. I just don't understand what could have driven him away forever, even from friendship. I hope to see him again at some point. You don't know this until forever gets here. This time next year you could possibly not even care if he is breathing. YOU didn't drive him away, it was whatever he had vested in his ex-wife. She was probably wondering what she did to drive him away too. I can't even imagine starting over with someone I know nothing about. The chances of things working (even enough to just date) seem so small. That will take time. And the bad news is it is hard to meet the few people you really connect with (how long were you around before you met him right?). But one day when you do, and you will, it will all be worth it. Edited December 2, 2011 by M2155
Author lilyblue Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Well he either cheated on you or failed to tell you he broke up with you. So both of those are pretty un-nice. You are right that none of it was about you at all, it was his confusion over what he wants. But in the end, he figured it out. That's not your fault. Yeah I haven't thought of a way to describe it yet where people don't reply that he wasn't nice... that's why I put it in quotes. I understand why people say that though. You don't know this until forever gets here. This time next year you could possibly not even care if he is breathing. YOU didn't drive him away, it was whatever he had vested in his ex-wife. She was probably wondering what she did to drive him away too. I will care, I know time changes stuff. But I still care about my ex's. She didn't drive him away either.. she left him. That will take time. And the bad news is it is hard to meet the few people you really connect with (how long were you around before you met him right?). But one day when you do, and you will, it will all be worth it. Sorry, I seem to have turned negative. But there isn't someone out there for everyone. I know plenty of people that have never found someone as their partner. It's not assured that I will find a connection.
M2155 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Ahh lilyblue... You're right, you're not exactly an optimist right now, that's understandable. There might not be someone for everyone (I know there is for me though) but I believe there must be something positive at the end of this storm for everyone going through something like this. You have to know you deserve someone that's not confused about being with you. I care about my ex too. I hope he is well, but I'm moving toward the point where I could care less to hear what he's thinking/doing today- when he left I thought he was the most perfect guy for me on earth, but after time I don't see him the same way now (that rock in the window fantasy just so he'll have a problem is bonus ). But once you are on the downside of the mountain, it gets better like everyone told me it would. As much as I wanted to believe the advice, it was some time before I did. So if you feel hopeless for a while, it's ok, do it! Just don't stay there. Love is a painful teacher but it's the greatest lesson.
M2155 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Oh and I totally had plans on getting my ex back, I had no doubt for about 2 months that he would return... and then that changed to intention of being friends near future. Now I'm not really interested in being friends with him at all (I just can't deal with him and not remember how he handled being "confused" )...but I haven't ruled it out for the future. I know he's a good person at heart, just probably not meant to be for me and him.
Author lilyblue Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Thanks M2155. The whole deserving line of thinking has never done much for me, people don't deserve a lot of stuff that happens to them, but I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. How far past break up are you again?
Author lilyblue Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Just woke up from a dream where I was at a baseball game with friends and I saw him come in and sit not too far away. Awhile later he showed up with a bottle of wine for us, hugged me and told me that if things are meant to work out between us, then they will. It felt like such a positive statement in my dream (like he was hinting that his relationship was going badly and he was going to come back). It felt so nice to hear that and to feel him hug me. And then I woke up.And everything is the same.
M2155 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Thanks M2155. The whole deserving line of thinking has never done much for me, people don't deserve a lot of stuff that happens to them, but I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. How far past break up are you again? I found out end of July. He had gone distant on me up to that point so I should have known something was up and stopped trying to get him to talk to me. You can't think you deserve it, you have to really believe in yourself that you're better than 2nd choice. But believe me, growth does not happen overnight. Heartbreak is a tough experience.
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