lemonlegs Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 How do you deal with a guy that you're interested in who's admitted that he can emotionally cold at points. I'm starting to experience. Sometimes he's just flat out mean/rude. Other times, he's extremely talkative and shows interest.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Have you spoke with him about it. I believe men are taught to hold in there fustrations and emotions, so when under pressure or fustrated they may come off strange. If you ask, his answer would give you an indications of his behavoir, and if it is something to deal with, or better off leaving and not dealing with.
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I usually offer them my jacket OP, honestly, his providing a disclaimer at this early juncture in the name of 'honesty' would give me pause. That, combined with the general desire for one to 'put their best foot forward' early-on in relationships adds to this pause, if he has already demonstrated that his actions match his words in this regard. It's OK for people to be emotionally cold, mean and rude. I run into them all the time in life. I don't however, make a habit of becoming their friend or lover. For myself, it's an incompatible emotional and relationship style. I'll either disengage or push back, depending upon circumstances, with disengagement being the preferred course of action. Up to you how you feel about this.....
Wolf18 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Not date them. Holding in your emotions as a man is one thing, this is due to the concept of man being a stoic pillar of stone and I agree with this concept. However, that doesn't mean you can't be warm and affectionate towards family, lovers, and friends, which I find to be important for a satisfying life.
MyApology Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I usually offer them my jacket OP, honestly, his providing a disclaimer at this early juncture in the name of 'honesty' would give me pause. That, combined with the general desire for one to 'put their best foot forward' early-on in relationships adds to this pause, if he has already demonstrated that his actions match his words in this regard. It's OK for people to be emotionally cold, mean and rude. I run into them all the time in life. I don't however, make a habit of becoming their friend or lover. For myself, it's an incompatible emotional and relationship style. I'll either disengage or push back, depending upon circumstances, with disengagement being the preferred course of action. Up to you how you feel about this..... Completely agree!
D-Lish Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I agree with carhill. When someone makes such a disclaimer in the beginning, it's a red flag. It's like pardoning your own behaviour before exhibiting it- then always having the built in excuse of "I told you so"... If you have hopes of changing him, let those hopes go. Someone that is openly mean to you this early on isn't someone you should consider dating. A guy like this is looking for women that don't respect themselves and will therefore tolerate his behaviour.
insertnamehere Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I think it's worth having a serious conversation about the subject. Speaking as a man who can be very distant, I don't know that I'd want someone to rule me out without some consideration. I'm not an unemotional person. I had a tough upbringing and I am slow to trust. It takes a lot to get me to open up, even at my old and reflective stage as I am now. The question is, why does he feel he needs to tell you this? Is it valid or is he just preparing the field for your sudden but inevitable disappointment? He may just be snake bitten. He may have been falsely accused of being cold. It might be upbringing. Or, maybe he's a genuinely cold person. Hard to say. But, unless he does something wrong, I think he deserves a fair hearing before being dismissed out of hand.
D-Lish Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I think it's worth having a serious conversation about the subject. Speaking as a man who can be very distant, I don't know that I'd want someone to rule me out without some consideration. I'm not an unemotional person. I had a tough upbringing and I am slow to trust. It takes a lot to get me to open up, even at my old and reflective stage as I am now. The question is, why does he feel he needs to tell you this? Is it valid or is he just preparing the field for your sudden but inevitable disappointment? He may just be snake bitten. He may have been falsely accused of being cold. It might be upbringing. Or, maybe he's a genuinely cold person. Hard to say. But, unless he does something wrong, I think he deserves a fair hearing before being dismissed out of hand. I'd agree with you if he was just a little distant, but she's said he's outright MEAN sometimes. That should never be tolerated.
insertnamehere Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I'd agree with you if he was just a little distant, but she's said he's outright MEAN sometimes. That should never be tolerated. I'll be honest . . . I've been mean (verbally, emotionally) to women in my time. Women have cut me far too much slack, too. People who don't trust others throw up a lot of obstacles. There's a sense that no one really loves anyone and by-gawd you're going to make anyone who tries to love you prove it. It's mostly subconscious. But, it's easy to fall into bad habits. Speaking from the offending side, I think it's worth a serious sit-down and talk. The terms of such a talk should be clear: no bull****, no excuses. Men often need things set down in a linear manner so they can work through them. Presuming he's not abusive (yes, there is a difference between distant/mean and overt abusiveness), I think if she cares enough it's worth a talk. I know women don't do that sort of thing. The art of being a woman is to expect a man to fix everything all by his lonesome and he can just **** himself if he needs anything from her. Far too much of the male-female dynamic is adversarial. People are dumb and make mistakes and **** up and say indefensible things. Is this man doomed to roam the earth with no one to love until he learns to lie about his flaws?
shayla Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 If he is doing this right out of the gate, move on now, while it's still easy. If you stay with him you will come to the same conclusion and you will be frustrated and pissed off.
Author lemonlegs Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 I think it's worth having a serious conversation about the subject. Speaking as a man who can be very distant, I don't know that I'd want someone to rule me out without some consideration. I'm not an unemotional person. I had a tough upbringing and I am slow to trust. It takes a lot to get me to open up, even at my old and reflective stage as I am now. The question is, why does he feel he needs to tell you this? Is it valid or is he just preparing the field for your sudden but inevitable disappointment? He may just be snake bitten. He may have been falsely accused of being cold. It might be upbringing. Or, maybe he's a genuinely cold person. Hard to say. But, unless he does something wrong, I think he deserves a fair hearing before being dismissed out of hand. Well, he didn't just tell me that out of nowhere. We have been friends for a year now, and he actually can be warm at times. He's opened up to me about a lot of different things including his family, past relationships, etc. Usually when I'm with him, he's very nice. It's mostly when I'm NOT with him that it's hard to keep a conversation with him and whatnot. How it came up was that he was talking about his past relationship that ended not too long ago, and he said "I do understand that it would be hard for her, because sometimes I can be cold." Not sure if that puts things into context a little better. He's really confusing...
insertnamehere Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 He's opened up to me about a lot of different things including his family, past relationships, etc. So, therein lies the question. Is there anything in his upbringing or a really bad relationship that suggests a source for the cold behavior? It's my experience that human beings are born engaging and warm and that it's life that takes it out of them. A person who doesn't display that warmth generally has some trust issues beaten into them somewhere along the way.
BillieAnn Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 How do you deal with a guy that you're interested in who's admitted that he can emotionally cold at points. I'm starting to experience. Sometimes he's just flat out mean/rude. Other times, he's extremely talkative and shows interest. It happened the same to me! Trying to talk .. but it just pushed me away. If he is cold, be and you too!
Author lemonlegs Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 So, therein lies the question. Is there anything in his upbringing or a really bad relationship that suggests a source for the cold behavior? It's my experience that human beings are born engaging and warm and that it's life that takes it out of them. A person who doesn't display that warmth generally has some trust issues beaten into them somewhere along the way. Not any specific experience, no. He does, however, seem as though he's like that towards his family too; I've heard him say somewhat mean things about his sister, for example. So, sure, maybe he was raised like that. For example, we were hanging out last week and I came back from the rest room and he was talking to his father, and said "I'm hanging out with a pretty girl named ___________." After he hung up, I said, "Was your dad wondering why you were hanging out with another girl even though you and your girlfriend broke up not long ago?" and he said, "They're not too concerned with stuff like that, he just asked why I wasn't doing school work." That was weird to me because if I had mentioned a guy's name to my parents that they had never heard, they were more than likely inquire about it. *shrug*
insertnamehere Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Not any specific experience, no. He does, however, seem as though he's like that towards his family too; I've heard him say somewhat mean things about his sister, for example. So, sure, maybe he was raised like that. Hard to gauge, but it does raise a red flag about women. Any sense of his relationship with his mother? I know I guy who had a terrible relationship with his mother who basically goes through like taking it out on every woman he can find. That was weird to me because if I had mentioned a guy's name to my parents that they had never heard, they were more than likely inquire about it. *shrug* He could be a case of serial monogamy. My sister was like that in her day. It's sort of a slut defense, where you bounce from person-to-person and insist there's nothing wrong with you because you're always monogamous. Hmmm . . . gotta say . . . I'd support hashing it or or moving on. It's more a judgment call. Personally, I'd try to hash it out but keep an eye on the exit.
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