Should I divorce my husband?

[reboot]

Not with me, I advise the same way regardless of who the higher earner is.

 

The OP is seriously unhappy, she feels locked into a job she no longer enjoys solely because she's obligated to pay for the lion's share of the bills.

 

I say she should pay her half of mutually agreed upon life expenses & let him worry about the rest, that shouldn't be a problem should it? I mean seein as it's "all about luv" and stuff her husband shouldn't mind a bit if she stops being a cash cow should he?

 

If that is indeed the way they both view their marriage, they should just get a divorce. That isn't a marriage, it's a business arrangement.

[The Blue Knight]

Not with me, I advise the same way regardless of who the higher earner is.

 

The OP is seriously unhappy, she feels locked into a job she no longer enjoys solely because she's obligated to pay for the lion's share of the bills.

 

I say she should pay her half of mutually agreed upon life expenses & let him worry about the rest, that shouldn't be a problem should it? I mean seein as it's "all about luv" and stuff her husband shouldn't mind a bit if she stops being a cash cow should he?

 

Well obviously your doing a sarcastic version of the "all about luv" but I don't think if you read my postings you'll find that I'm not seeing that this guy has some issues. He does. He strikes me as lazy and unmotivated. I'm just trying to see the other side of this. Was he lazy and unmotivated when she met him and married him? Did she assume this would change? Love isn't the panacea answer to all things in life but it's a good start if you're trying to make the relationship work.

[soserious1]

Well obviously your doing a sarcastic version of the "all about luv" but I don't think if you read my postings you'll find that I'm not seeing that this guy has some issues. He does. He strikes me as lazy and unmotivated. I'm just trying to see the other side of this. Was he lazy and unmotivated when she met him and married him? Did she assume this would change? Love isn't the panacea answer to all things in life but it's a good start if you're trying to make the relationship work.

 

My point is that once again a bread winning spouse is being told that it's all about love & being treated disdainfully by many here.

 

I will ask again, since marriage is "all about luv" the OP's husband won't mind a bit if the OP reduces her income by taking a lower paying job will he? Does the luv thing extend to the breadwinner or does it only apply when we're talking about how it's ok for the lower earning spouse to expect the bread winner to foot their personal bills?

[xxoo]

The OP is seriously unhappy, she feels locked into a job she no longer enjoys solely because she's obligated to pay for the lion's share of the bills.

 

How would she be able to change jobs without him??

 

She's locked into her job because they live in a high COL area. Together, they could look for options to reduce their monthly expenses (including moving), if that is what she wants--and the household would still have the benefit of his extra income.

 

If she divorces him, she'll still live in a high COL area, just with 30k less household income, and possibly support to pay. If he runs up debts that offset his income, that is something else to consider.

 

If she's miserable with him, the money doesn't matter. But she should consider the financial realities of single parenting before jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

[soserious1]

If that is indeed the way they both view their marriage, they should just get a divorce. That isn't a marriage, it's a business arrangement.

 

Bills have to paid "luv" won't keep shoes on the kids feet or food on the table.

 

I will ask you again,the OP is unhappy with her half of the so called "shared life" should the OP simply shut up and continue onwards to pay the bulk of the bills? or will it be okay for her to come home and announce she'll no longer be doing knowing that her husband will understand that their marriage is "all about the luv"

 

Something tells me that should the OP come home & make such an announcement that it will not be well received.

[soserious1]

How would she be able to change jobs without him??

 

She's locked into her job because they live in a high COL area. Together, they could look for options to reduce their monthly expenses (including moving), if that is what she wants--and the household would still have the benefit of his extra income.

 

If she divorces him, she'll still live in a high COL area, just with 30k less household income, and possibly support to pay. If he runs up debts that offset his income, that is something else to consider.

 

If she's miserable with him, the money doesn't matter. But she should consider the financial realities of single parenting before jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

 

I'm getting the impression the OP feels stuck paying for a lot of personal debts & expenses of his that have nothing to do with basics like housing, utilities & child care. Also from her description of his day to day activities I suspect she's probably already basically a single parent.

[MarriedTex]

If one partner is using the other there is no love.

 

The situation described here is the ultimate nightmare for today's financially strong women. We'd rather be alone than having a parasite partner.

 

Does this mean that men who provide the lion's share of income for their households should consider their wife's to be "parasites?" Or should we gladly fork over the money because you're the ones with the p--ssy?

 

I guess when a woman brings in both the p-ssy and the money then the man in a relationship contributes nothing. Whatever else positive could he bring to the relationship? Time to kick him out.

 

If this is what you believe, you would seem to have all the ingredients in place for a cold, shallow existence. My sympathies.

[soserious1]

Does this mean that men who provide the lion's share of income for their households should consider their wife's to be "parasites?" Or should we gladly fork over the money because you're the ones with the p--ssy?

 

I guess when a woman brings in both the p-ssy and the money then the man in a relationship contributes nothing. Whatever else positive could he bring to the relationship? Time to kick him out.

 

If this is what you believe, you would seem to have all the ingredients in place for a cold, shallow existence. My sympathies.

 

Aside from situations involving serious illness, unemployment that happens through no fault of the laid off spouse & other similar situations I don't think it's fair for an able bodied person of either gender to expect another person to take responsibility for paying their bills.

 

So to answer your question, an able bodied woman who expects her higher earning husband to subsidize her lifestyle

would be a "parasite" in my eyes.

[xxoo]

Aside from situations involving serious illness, unemployment that happens through no fault of the laid off spouse & other similar situations I don't think it's fair for an able bodied person of either gender to expect another person to take responsibility for paying their bills.

 

So to answer your question, an able bodied woman who expects her higher earning husband to subsidize her lifestyle

would be a "parasite" in my eyes.

 

This attitude limits the potential partner pool for high earners to other high earners.

 

Other people find value in a partner beyond their income, and don't want to limit their own lifestyle based on their partner's ability to pay 50%. My sister is a prime example! (outearning her partner by a bundle...but they love sharing a life together, and why would my sister want to live in less than she can afford?)

[soserious1]

This attitude limits the potential partner pool for high earners to other high earners.

 

Other people find value in a partner beyond their income, and don't want to limit their own lifestyle based on their partner's ability to pay 50%. My sister is a prime example! (outearning her partner by a bundle...but they love sharing a life together, and why would my sister want to live in less than she can afford?)

 

Well, I'd rather move into a cheaper house & cut lifestyle expenses so that a prospective partner can comfortably afford to pay his 50% of our shared costs. I can enjoy my income via fancier clothing, a good car etc..things that I won't be expected to buy for him as well.

[xxoo]

Well, I'd rather move into a cheaper house & cut lifestyle expenses so that a prospective partner can comfortably afford to pay his 50% of our shared costs. I can enjoy my income via fancier clothing, a good car etc..things that I won't be expected to buy for him as well.

 

This is where preferences come in. Others prefer a different approach to relationships.

 

Some people with high incomes get a lot of pleasure out of sharing finer things with the ones they love.

[soserious1]

This is where preferences come in. Others prefer a different approach to relationships.

 

Some people with high incomes get a lot of pleasure out of sharing finer things with the ones they love.

 

Unfortunately that "sharing" isn't appreciated as a generous gift & frequently becomes something demanded of the high earner even when the marriage ends.

 

Of course it's all about the money, if it weren't all divorces would end with 50/50 child custody, no child support changing hands and no alimony awarded.. somehow though, come divorce time the non-earning or low earning spouse is all about those Benjamin's! and they're singing the song "what's love got to do with it"

 

"Love" is just a manipulative, shaming technique, usually employed by gold digger women to shame men into paying for their lives, now it's being increasingly used by men to shame higher earning wives the same way.

[The Blue Knight]

My point is that once again a bread winning spouse is being told that it's all about love & being treated disdainfully by many here.

 

I will ask again, since marriage is "all about luv" the OP's husband won't mind a bit if the OP reduces her income by taking a lower paying job will he? Does the luv thing extend to the breadwinner or does it only apply when we're talking about how it's ok for the lower earning spouse to expect the bread winner to foot their personal bills?

Serious, is my memory accurate in that you got taken to the cleaners in a divorce? Or am I thinking of someone else?

 

If that was indeed you, I thought you got railroaded just as I've seen the civil courts do to a number of persons who were the "breadwinners" of the relationship. Don't misunderstand me. That legal approach by the courts is absolute crap and it let's the other spouse off the hook entirely. I don't even want to get started on that one!

 

I wouldn't have any issue with your suggestion to the OP to dump more responsibility on the husband. Maybe that would jolt the hubby into moving his tail a bit more. Marriage isn't "all about love" but it encompasses respect, mutual agreement on a number of things, and many other factors as I'm sure you know. Love is just the glue so to speak.

 

I'm not suggesting she stay in the marriage because of love although that's a pretty good reason. I'm asking legitimate questions about what she knew about her husbands behavior / habits prior to marrying him. You and I both know that woman are notorious for marrying men whom they believe they can later "tame" or "change" and then when it doesn't pan out as they believed it would they want to bail.

 

Incidentally, I'm the breadwinner in our family but I've never considered it her money - my money. It's always been our money. But to each his or her own.

[xxoo]

"Love" is just a manipulative, shaming technique, usually employed by gold digger women to shame men into paying for their lives, now it's being increasingly used by men to shame higher earning wives the same way.

 

Did you take a wrong turn on your way to "MoneyShack"?

[musemaj11]

Its always about the money.

 

Women's love is intertwined heavily with how much money you have. Its saddening.

 

When a man loves a woman, he will give everything he has to her. But when a woman loves a man, it is only as long as the man can keep giving everything he has to her and the love will cease the moment he can no longer give.

 

Mercenary love.

 

Incidentally, I'm the breadwinner in our family but I've never considered it her money - my money. It's always been our money. But to each his or her own.

But thats because you are a man. If one day somehow you lose your job and your wife has to be the breadwinner, lets see if she is going to feel the same.

Edited December 3, 2011 by musemaj11

[The Blue Knight]

Its always about the money.

 

Women's love is intertwined heavily with how much money you have. Its saddening.

 

When a man loves a woman, he will give everything he has to her. But when a woman loves a man, it is only as long as the man can keep giving everything he has to her and the love will cease the moment he can no longer give.

 

Mercenary love.

 

But thats because you are a man. If one day somehow you lose your job and your wife has to be the breadwinner, lets see if she is going to feel the same.

Well all men and women have gender similarities and individual differences. There certainly is "some" truth to your comment. My ex wife was more like you're describing. Materialistic and extremely goal oriented to the point where it was too much at times.

 

My present wife could live in a garage and she'd be happy as long as their was heat. She's genuine. Doesn't care about "stuff" or material gain. She's always been down to earth the entire 15 years we've been together.

[xxoo]

My present wife could live in a garage and she'd be happy as long as their was heat. She's genuine. Doesn't care about "stuff" or material gain. She's always been down to earth the entire 15 years we've been together.

 

I'd be happy in a garage as long as there was heat....and my husband!

[OliveOyl]

Unfortunately that "sharing" isn't appreciated as a generous gift & frequently becomes something demanded of the high earner even when the marriage ends.

 

Of course it's all about the money, if it weren't all divorces would end with 50/50 child custody, no child support changing hands and no alimony awarded.. somehow though, come divorce time the non-earning or low earning spouse is all about those Benjamin's! and they're singing the song "what's love got to do with it"

 

"Love" is just a manipulative, shaming technique, usually employed by gold digger women to shame men into paying for their lives, now it's being increasingly used by men to shame higher earning wives the same way.

 

Boy if this is the way you feel about spouses, I hate to think of what you think of children. They don't contribute anything, financially, to the household. And I can't think that there's any other reason to have children than for the "luv".

 

I don't mean to derail this thread into one about the merits of becoming a parent. Not at all. But I am amazed you cannot see beyond the financial implications of relationships. It's rather shocking.

[The Blue Knight]

I'd be happy in a garage as long as there was heat....and my husband!

I was going to add that I'm part of the "garage equation" xxoo, but it would have sounded a bit self serving. My wife has said to me over the years "I don't care what we do as long as I'm with you. I could sit and watch paint dry." I always liked the sound of that. She's a low maintenance woman.

[frozensprouts]

Ok... and what does one do if their half of that "shared life" brings them nothing but sadness,pain & extra work while the other spouse gets to coast in bliss and ease?

 

ummm...an awful lot of people who who make the lower incomes have the harder and more physically demanding jobs.

 

for example, lets say the wife here is an executive, and the husband is a garbageman ( probably not true, just an example). Does he fact that the executive makes more money mean her job is harder and he is just "coasting in bliss and ease"?

 

seriously, look at most of the lower paying work...much of it is physically very difficult and wears you out long before your time. Hardly sounds like a life of "bliss and ease"to me.

 

 

It sounds to me like the person who started this thread has emotionally checked out of her marriage, and she wants to justify doing so, mostly to herself. My advice to her would be to work with him to try and repair things, see the negatives SHE brings to the table as well ( not being snarky when I say that...it's just that in any marriage, both spouses can end up getting into behavior patterns that aren't so great...what is HER role in all this)?

then, if she feels it's time to go, then go

[soserious1]

Boy if this is the way you feel about spouses, I hate to think of what you think of children. They don't contribute anything, financially, to the household. And I can't think that there's any other reason to have children than for the "luv".

 

I don't mean to derail this thread into one about the merits of becoming a parent. Not at all. But I am amazed you cannot see beyond the financial implications of relationships. It's rather shocking.

 

Well let me shock you here, there are 2 groups of people who are totally entitled to my income.

 

1. The people who gave me life

2. the people I gave birth to

 

My 1st marriage ended in divorce, I supported my children from that marriage 100 % on my own, not one penny of child support. My oldest just finished defending her doctorate, my middle child has his Master's & will probably go further after taking a year off to work & travel a bit, the youngest has a BSN and is considering going on to become a Nurse Anesthetist.

 

I helped them all the way through their schooling & will continue to help as needed if the youngest 2 wish to take it to the next level.

 

Of all the things I've done in my life, raising these 3 fine young people is the activity I am most proud of, they are wonderful people & I love them so much it takes my breath away.

 

Same goes for my parents who sacrificed much to help me get an education & instill a love of learning that continues to this day, money finds it's way to them monthly so that their lives can be a bit easier.

 

I know all about "luv" and it doesn't involve me having to go out there and do all the fiscal heavy lifting just so that a fat, middle aged man can lounge about in his chonies surfing the internet for porn & playing video games all the while telling me I should be grateful to have a husband.

[soserious1]

ummm...an awful lot of people who who make the lower incomes have the harder and more physically demanding jobs.

 

for example, lets say the wife here is an executive, and the husband is a garbageman ( probably not true, just an example). Does he fact that the executive makes more money mean her job is harder and he is just "coasting in bliss and ease"?

 

seriously, look at most of the lower paying work...much of it is physically very difficult and wears you out long before your time. Hardly sounds like a life of "bliss and ease"to me.

 

 

Yes and this is why in addition to paying the bulk of the bills the higher earner also needs to be sure to do their fair share of the chores when they get home too right?

 

Cry me a river! That is the biggest bunch of crap I've ever read, the higher earning spouse is NOT responsible for the fact that the lower earning partner does not have the skill set to get a less physically taxing job!

 

Sorry but I put in my lean years of going without and working hard to make sure I could get the skills I needed to care for myself fiscally, I'll be damned if I'm going to turn around and get legally stuck supporting another able bodied adult male leech.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes and this is why in addition to paying the bulk of the bills the higher earner also needs to be sure to do their fair share of the chores when they get home too right?

 

Cry me a river! That is the biggest bunch of crap I've ever read, the higher earning spouse is NOT responsible for the fact that the lower earning partner does not have the skill set to get a less physically taxing job!

 

Sorry but I put in my lean years of going without and working hard to make sure I could get the skills I needed to care for myself fiscally, I'll be damned if I'm going to turn around and get legally stuck supporting another able bodied adult male leech.

Serious, I think anyone who is aware of your past situation feels you got jobbed. I'd be ticked if the courts did to me what they did to you. And I see my share of leeches constantly . . . male and female. They exist and they are parasites on a relationship. What bothers me even more is the willing partners who allow these parasites to exist off of their hard work and effort.

 

But it needs to be said also that sometimes this isn't necessarily the case. Maybe this guy needs a kick in the rear to get him going. Maybe he's just too content with being passive about life / marriage / motivation. Plenty of marriages are successful today, but when the marriage partners reflect back they find that one of the marriage partners had to give the other a dose of reality to get them going. That's a very real possibility in this situation.

 

But as others have pointed out, this wife may be looking for reasons to move on. She hasn't responded to a couple of the issues I brought up. It leaves me wondering a bit.

[musemaj11]

My present wife could live in a garage and she'd be happy as long as their was heat. She's genuine. Doesn't care about "stuff" or material gain. She's always been down to earth the entire 15 years we've been together.

But has she actually walked the walk or its nothing but talk?

 

Talk is easy. We all can say "for better and worse" and run away the day it comes knocking.

 

I'd be happy in a garage as long as there was heat....and my husband!

Yea right. I bet my life you wouldnt even have married your husband in the first place if he lived in a garage.

[xxoo]

But has she actually walked the walk or its nothing but talk?

 

Talk is easy. We all can say "for better and worse" and run away the day it comes knocking.

 

 

Yea right. I bet my life you wouldnt even have married your husband in the first place if he lived in a garage.

 

My H couldn't afford to rent a garage when we got married

 

I paid 100% of the rent for our first crappy apt.

 

Sorry I don't fall neatly into your stereotype