Should I divorce my husband?

[missinglove]

I am thinking of leaving my husband but I don't if my expectations are too high or what. My husband and I have been married for a little over three years, together for 8 years. This post may be long so I apologize in advance.

 

My first issue is that he is not pulling his weight financially. I make significantly more money than him. We are both in our late 20s and he is still making around 30k a year.

 

We live in an area with a very high cost of living which means I am pulling most of the financial burden. I wanted to switch careers which would mean taking a pay cut and couldn't even do it because we need my salary and benefits.

 

Also, he has significantly more debt than me, (I am debt free outside of my mortgage)and I feel like I'm paying all his debt and not having any money left to enjoy life.

 

He has been looking for a better paying job for the past 3 years. But hasn't had any luck and I even have to push him to apply for jobs. I've suggested grad school to switch careers and he refuses to even consider it. I think he should because he's been applying to jobs for years but seems to be stuck at his current job. He can't go up at his current job or career because he needs a masters degree. His supervisor has even told him this.

 

The next issues are his weight-he is at least 30lbs overweight and it has definitely affected my attraction to him. I hate to be vain but I'm kept my body in top shape but it's like he does not care. He will diet for a while and then stop. I call him out whenever I see him eating something he shouldn't but then he gets mad and eats it anyway. And then he is not romantic at all. Unless it's a holiday or my birthday he never does anything special for me.

 

My main hesitation is that we have a toddler child together and I would hate for her not to grow up in a married family household. I've been with him through a lot. He had a drinking problem in the past and we got through it and he is sober now. Also our families did not get along in the beginning and that caused some friction. And he has had problems in the past with depression that still pops up from time to time.

 

I feel like our marriage has so many problems I should just throw the towel in and start over with someone I am more compatible with. We met in college and I feel like I am a different person now and what I want is different. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months and it did no good. We are doing the His needs/her needs book and audio set but I don't feel like it's helping.

 

Any advice at all???

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Those problems don't sound too bad.

 

He doesn't make very good money but is employed, he has gained 30lb, and is not too romantic except in vacations.

 

Sounds like your typical married couple.

 

See if you can reduce your budget somehow so you can have more freedom and not the pressure to keep the bills.

 

Being a single mom is not so easy and you'll still have to work as much if not more sans the husband.

 

Think about it. Hope you can reignite the flame. Good luck.

[KathyM]

I am thinking of leaving my husband but I don't if my expectations are too high or what. My husband and I have been married for a little over three years, together for 8 years. This post may be long so I apologize in advance.

 

My first issue is that he is not pulling his weight financially. I make significantly more money than him. We are both in our late 20s and he is still making around 30k a year.

 

We live in an area with a very high cost of living which means I am pulling most of the financial burden. I wanted to switch careers which would mean taking a pay cut and couldn't even do it because we need my salary and benefits.

 

Also, he has significantly more debt than me, (I am debt free outside of my mortgage)and I feel like I'm paying all his debt and not having any money left to enjoy life.

 

He has been looking for a better paying job for the past 3 years. But hasn't had any luck and I even have to push him to apply for jobs. I've suggested grad school to switch careers and he refuses to even consider it. I think he should because he's been applying to jobs for years but seems to be stuck at his current job. He can't go up at his current job or career because he needs a masters degree. His supervisor has even told him this.

 

The next issues are his weight-he is at least 30lbs overweight and it has definitely affected my attraction to him. I hate to be vain but I'm kept my body in top shape but it's like he does not care. He will diet for a while and then stop. I call him out whenever I see him eating something he shouldn't but then he gets mad and eats it anyway. And then he is not romantic at all. Unless it's a holiday or my birthday he never does anything special for me.

 

My main hesitation is that we have a toddler child together and I would hate for her not to grow up in a married family household. I've been with him through a lot. He had a drinking problem in the past and we got through it and he is sober now. Also our families did not get along in the beginning and that caused some friction. And he has had problems in the past with depression that still pops up from time to time.

 

I feel like our marriage has so many problems I should just throw the towel in and start over with someone I am more compatible with. We met in college and I feel like I am a different person now and what I want is different. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months and it did no good. We are doing the His needs/her needs book and audio set but I don't feel like it's helping.

 

Any advice at all???

Buy the Mort Fortel "Marriage Fitness" course. It has a lot of valuable, helpful information on how to renew and strengthen your marriage. Your husband may not be the ideal guy, but that's no reason to throw away your marriage. So he gained 30 lbs. So he doesn't make a lot of money. He is not perfect, but no man is. Don't disrupt your child's home and family over these unimportant issues. Right now, you are focusing on anything negative you can about him. I'm sure there are positives you could be focusing on. You said he beat his alcohol addiction. That's a positive. I assume he's been faithful. That's a positive. He has a job--that's more than a lot of people have in this economy. Focus on the positives, and stop dwelling on the negatives. If your previous counselor did not help, find a new one. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit in a counselor. Or try Mort Fertel's course. It was recommended to me by someone I know, and it has strengthened my marriage.

[reboot]

"For better or for worse"

 

Did you say that?

[MarriedTex]

And he has had problems in the past with depression that still pops up from time to time.

 

 

Gee, with such a wonderful, non-judgemental, supporting wife that he has, what reason would he have to be depressed? (Sarcasm)

 

Do him a favor and file for divorce. After being with your superior self for eight years, I'm sure he can find someone to love him for who he is - and be much happier for it. It's easy to point the finger of blame for life's travails at your spouse. My hunch is that - once he's gone - you'll find the true source of your discontent right in the ol' mirror.

[DonJuanInc]

To be fair: are the people who are responding to this married?

 

It's easy to say you need to stay committed. From what she's saying, she's done her fair share of trying: marriage counseling, home courses, and holding up her end of the marriage by staying in shape, doing more than her share financially, etc.

 

I strongly believe in commitment in marriage, but no one should have to endure unhappiness because they feel obligated. Obligation/toleration leads to resentment, and resentment eventually leads to the end of a relationship.

 

Yeah you can stick out something you don't like, but how long is it going to last? Months? Years? A decade? Is it really any better to have the child reach adolescence before divorcing?

 

I expect my partner to hold up their end of the deal. It seems as though you share my view - you didn't enter your relationship with a man who was overweight, unromantic, and unambitious. You've done a lot of work to try to resolve these issues, but we have divorce for issues that can't be reconciled.

 

That being said, you need to have this conversation with him. I don't know if you fairly represented your interest in him maintaining his physique when you got married, or stressed the importance of him advancing his career. From his point of view, you might be acting unfairly. Tough to say on an online forum. You definitely owe him the fairness of honesty though; let him know these issues are bothering you a lot, remind him you tried counseling, and tell him you feel like the home course isn't working.

 

Let him know what's at stake. Tell him you love him and explain how you feel, but if he can't do these things for you it will lead to you resenting him. It's not evil or unfair to make your expectations clear, nor is it evil or unfair to have those expectations.

 

I've been living with my girlfriend for 3 years now, and we have a similar agreement. It's not fair if one of us keeps up our appearance in the gym, taking the time to dress nicely and to be sexy for one another. When we started dating, I told her I would be a successful man and would be able to provide anything she wants in life - if I fail at that, I couldn't blame her if she chose to leave me.

 

Marriage is about committing to be together, but it's also about committing to keep one another satisfied. Do your best to bring the two together, but if your due diligence doesn't get it done, it might be time to move on.

 

Good luck.

[soserious1]

My ex-husband worked for a grand total of about 9 months during the years we were together. I finally divorced him & was court ordered to pay him $2,750 per month in alimony plus full medical & dental including all co-pays.

 

Be careful here, if you earn a lot more than he does you could well find yourself paying him, alimony & child support while still needing to provide for yourself, your child & footing the daycare bills solo.

 

Also, if he gets wind of the fact that you are contemplating divorce, he might well decide to quit, get fired & go the "house husband" route... then you'll really be screwed, before you do anything book a session with a good divorce lawyer.

[OliveOyl]

The main issue here is that it sounds like you have lost respect for your husband and don't really love him anymore.

 

The other issues (lower-paying job, 30 lbs overweight) don't really seem like insurmountable problems at all. Men gain and lose weight fairly easily. Budgets can be made, lifestyles can be adjusted, and your husband can eventually find higher-paying work, although it might not be within the timeframe you desire.

 

The bigger question is, can you find a way to regain respect for him? If not, then the marriage is probably over.

[The Blue Knight]

I am thinking of leaving my husband but I don't if my expectations are too high or what. My husband and I have been married for a little over three years, together for 8 years. This post may be long so I apologize in advance.

 

My first issue is that he is not pulling his weight financially. I make significantly more money than him. We are both in our late 20s and he is still making around 30k a year.

 

We live in an area with a very high cost of living which means I am pulling most of the financial burden. I wanted to switch careers which would mean taking a pay cut and couldn't even do it because we need my salary and benefits.

 

Also, he has significantly more debt than me, (I am debt free outside of my mortgage)and I feel like I'm paying all his debt and not having any money left to enjoy life.

 

He has been looking for a better paying job for the past 3 years. But hasn't had any luck and I even have to push him to apply for jobs. I've suggested grad school to switch careers and he refuses to even consider it. I think he should because he's been applying to jobs for years but seems to be stuck at his current job. He can't go up at his current job or career because he needs a masters degree. His supervisor has even told him this.

 

The next issues are his weight-he is at least 30lbs overweight and it has definitely affected my attraction to him. I hate to be vain but I'm kept my body in top shape but it's like he does not care. He will diet for a while and then stop. I call him out whenever I see him eating something he shouldn't but then he gets mad and eats it anyway. And then he is not romantic at all. Unless it's a holiday or my birthday he never does anything special for me.

 

My main hesitation is that we have a toddler child together and I would hate for her not to grow up in a married family household. I've been with him through a lot. He had a drinking problem in the past and we got through it and he is sober now. Also our families did not get along in the beginning and that caused some friction. And he has had problems in the past with depression that still pops up from time to time.

 

I feel like our marriage has so many problems I should just throw the towel in and start over with someone I am more compatible with. We met in college and I feel like I am a different person now and what I want is different. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months and it did no good. We are doing the His needs/her needs book and audio set but I don't feel like it's helping.

 

Any advice at all???

 

It's tough to love someone when you lose respect for them. You begin to see them differently and it affects how you feel for them emotionally.

 

In your husbands case he seems to lack motivation and he takes you for granted. I don't think your reasons are good enough for divorce but I think you may want to explain to him that if he can't get his act together in certain areas you can't go on like you have been. Explain that those things may seem small and insignificant to him, but to you, they are turning into deal breakers.

 

His Needs - Her Needs is a good series. If that doesn't help the two of you get on track perhaps nothing will. But that's assuming you're both putting in the necessary effort to make it work.

 

I don't think the annual salary he makes is germane. What is important is that he's trying to better himself for you, your child, and himself, and it sounds like he's checked out as far as doing what's necessary for the next step. You may have just attached yourself to a guy who isn't interested in reaching for the stars. Happens all the time and goes both ways as far as the sexes are concerned.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Anyone else in the picture, even circumstantially?

 

Probably pure coincidence, but your story sounds remarkably like the one I heard from my first MW about 27 years ago. She was a bit younger though, but married about the same amount and with a two yo daughter.

 

After being together for five years, something prompted the decision to get married and have a lovely child. The issues you recite sound pretty ingrained and serious. Were they always there and you thought getting married would make them better? Other?

 

I'll echo the concerns of fellow posters who are cautioning you regarding divorce. As the high income earner, you can be vulnerable in a contested action. It doesn't have to go that way but often can. Courts are increasingly gender-blind to such issues.

 

My advice: If you really think and feel you're done, where your emotions and thoughts agree, interview a couple of divorce lawyers tomorrow. Take action.

 

My sympathies.....

[SoMovinOn]

I didn't see any mention of love, how you feel about him, he about you.

 

I don't think it matters who makes more money, especially in the current job climate.

 

I don't think 30 extra pounds should matter. If a guy said he was unhappy with 30 extra pounds on his wife, he'd likely catch all manner of hell.

 

... but, really, the details don't matter. You are clearly unhappy in your marriage and feel you two are incompatible because you have changed over the years. I think if you try to stick it out now, you'll still end up divorced eventually, so... I'd say you may as well cut and run now. Focus on raising your child, eventually, you'll meet someone else.

[reboot]

To be fair: are the people who are responding to this married?

 

Most people that frequent this forum are either married or have been married.

[missinglove]

Thanks for the advice. There is no other person in the picture. We had a serious conversation and I let him know that I am very unhappy and am thinking of leaving. My parents were in a miserable marriage for over 25 years and it broke my mom. I really don't want to go through that. I believe life is short and I want to be happy while I'm alive as much as possible. However I am the fighter for the relationship, I initiate marriage counseling, marriage courses, books, etc. Divorce is definitely not something I take lightly.

 

However, I will not be pursuing a divorce at this time but it is still an option. He has decided to go to graduate school. He actually started the application and is looking a scholarships and we made a plan to pay off the program. And he made me breakfast in bed this morning. He was very sad after we talked but I have been through too much in the past with him to keep going down another bad path. He was arrested for hitting me once when he was super drunk and I stayed with him. And he totaled his car while drunk and was lucky to get out of a DUI. But he worked on the drinking problem and fixed it. I want to see progress towards improvement in these other areas if I'm going to stay.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[missinglove]

Gee, with such a wonderful, non-judgemental, supporting wife that he has, what reason would he have to be depressed? (Sarcasm)

 

Do him a favor and file for divorce. After being with your superior self for eight years, I'm sure he can find someone to love him for who he is - and be much happier for it. It's easy to point the finger of blame for life's travails at your spouse. My hunch is that - once he's gone - you'll find the true source of your discontent right in the ol' mirror.

 

I have been with him through a lot. Most women would have left him after the alcohol issues. So please spare me your rude comments.

[carhill]

For clarity, mindful of the past clear indicators of marital condition, evidenced by six months of MC and working with self-help tools, this, last night, is the first time you've ever clearly said you are thinking about leaving?

 

Here's another blast from the past. MW says 'I think I'm done'. BH performs 'sweet talk' and immediate white night actions and she disappears back into the marital abyss, only to re-emerge a short time later after giving in to his sweet talk and seeing that it is only that, short-term talk and 'change'. This repeated a number of times over the decade I was foolish enough to remain in that dynamic. Obviously, one anecdote and not indicative of any generalities but, when I saw this sudden and apparently firm flip-flop in your perspective from one day to the next, the canary started gasping for breath.

 

Will MC be part of this 'new' dynamic? I hope so. Once one throws out the 'I'll divorce you unless xxx' one can't take it back. It's always in the room. Good luck.

[mtber75]

You shouldn't have gotten married so young? Why were you with him for so long? Its not like his problems all of a sudden appeared! You knew this and continue to stay together. Negative people/partners are like cancer, they spread like crazy unless you take dramatic action! So yes I would dump the loser! He's a grown man so he should man up to his own problems!

[reboot]

$30k is way above the poverty level, and that's if they had only his income. Lots of people would love to have that income. Let's refrain from the deadbeat Al Bundy shoe salesman jokes.

 

If he makes $30k and she makes more than him, they aren't suffering.

[missinglove]

Older&Wiser pretty much summed up why I feel the way I do. 30k is basically poverty where we live at. We live in an area that is super expensive, probably has the 1st or 2nd highest cost of living in the U.S. I'd love to move and am working on doing so also.

 

I've basically told him if things don't change and I don't see progress then I am leaving in a certain amount of months and it won't be negotiable. I can't spend my life being miserable and unhappy. I rather be on my own than turn bitter from this marriage.

[reboot]

Why do you live in a "super expensive" area if you can't afford it?

[standtall]

I would like to hear his side of the story as it sounds like you have a monopoly on perfect married behavior and looks. Do him a favor and show him your post so you can let him know where he really stands with you.

[OliveOyl]

So is this what marriage really comes down to? A financial contract? You married him for his finances? No wonder you're unhappy.

 

What ever happened to creating a home out of love (which doesn't need a lot of money)? Hey I had the big house, the 3-car garage, etc, the disposable income... Guess what it didn't make me happier. At all.

 

This is NOT ABOUT his earning a low salary! If you don't really get that now, you will repeat this mistake. However I suspect you have just completely fallen out of love with him for other reasons and the money is a handy scapegoat.

[soserious1]

So is this what marriage really comes down to? A financial contract? You married him for his finances? No wonder you're unhappy.

 

 

From the sounds of things, he married her for her finances, nothing like have a fit,trim,little woman who will put on her high heeled steppers to get out there & bring home the big bucks.

 

OP, obviously people should be supportive in times of illness or trouble & it sounds like you did support him through his Etoh dependency. If you feel like the current division of fiscal responsibility is unfair & if you feel that this is a deal breaker for you going forward, you need to sit him down & just tell him that, calmly, honestly & without telling him what he needs to do to better himself.

 

Simply tell him that you cannot continue to shoulder more than 50% of your shared expenses, be considerate, set a date of say 3 months after which time you will only be paying X,Y and Z, let him come up with his own ideas and solutions.

Edited December 1, 2011 by soserious1

[MarriedTex]

I have been with him through a lot. Most women would have left him after the alcohol issues. So please spare me your rude comments.

 

My quote stands. More truth than you care to admit, I suspect.

 

You've already decided to divorce him. You appear to be turning to the forum simply to support / validate the decision you have made in your heart. When I suggest you may be contributing to the problems, I'm dismissed as rude. Believe what you want. Matters not to me. You're the one who lives with the consequences.

[PinkInTheLimo]

So he gained 30 lbs. So he doesn't make a lot of money. He is not perfect, but no man is.

 

No man is perfect but hey, she sure can get better than a man who gains 30 lbs., can she? How much do women have to lower their standards when they are fit and financially strong themselves?

 

Reminds me again why I am not (yet) married. Sure I could date all the overweight men who write me on datingsites but why should I? I am slim myself and I don't want to have sex with a man whose weight is two times mine. And the idea of having someone next to me in bed who has a belly as if he was 7 months pregnant, does not exactly turn me on.

[PinkInTheLimo]

What ever happened to creating a home out of love (which doesn't need a lot of money)?

 

If one partner is using the other there is no love.

 

The situation described here is the ultimate nightmare for today's financially strong women. We'd rather be alone than having a parasite partner.