OM D-day

[weedsandposies]

Then why can't you make yourself get over him? It makes no sense! Especially since you say you wouldn't even be with him if you and your H were divorced! What's the point of not getting over him, holding him close to your heart?

 

 

OM is abusive, has mental health issues, including depression, and is a drug addict. It took me a long time to realize I couldn't help him and needed to get away. He's good at putting on a different persona to people but usually doesn't last long. His condition has gotten worse with age.

[2sunny]

Is it stress? Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much during the day. Maybe hearing OM defend his GF really got to me, like I lost him. He did try very hard to get together but I brushed him off. The last time before I went NC he wanted me to leave H. I ignored him and have been feeling guilty about it.

 

I had another dream last night. The past 2 nights my mom was in the dream and she was siding with exOM.

 

You all are probably right. But I think telling H would just makes things much much worse. I'd rather just have it die down.

 

more likely it's fear. fear is the basis for many things.

 

feeling unloved - being "alone" - not being capable of making it on your own... i could go on and on... they are all illusions though - just saying...

 

so is the marriage though - since there's no honesty - you don't have much... also - yes, the "dreams" - the truth is screaming to come out... it's not likely to be kept hidden much longer - no telling what truth may come while you're dreaming...

 

feel sad for your H - he most likely knows... but isn't saying what he's thinking - ooops ---> back to the honesty or lack of... vicious circle ----> seems never ending...

 

change is good - life begins when you will get honest with yourself and the one's you say you love.

[nofool4u]

nofool4u- in my 9 years of knowing H, I've never even entertained the thought of cheating. If it wasn't OM, it wouldn't be anyone.

 

You can't say that with conviction. You already said you never entertained the idea. If someone else came along that you were attracted to and gave you a little attention, it COULD have been someone else, because you never entertained the thought.

 

And how does this in any way change the fact that your H unknowingly is with a wife that will always pine for her OM and never get over him as you have already said? As long as you will never get over him, your relationship with your husband will never be complete. Trust me, no man wants a wife who has fond memories of an affair with another man, much less a wife that will never get over her OM.

 

Its not fair to him. And to make it worse, you'll rob him of knowing what his wife is really about so he can make a decision about his life. You are making his life decision for him.

 

But I'm sure all this is going in one ear out the other. You aren't going to tell him. Fine, thats your decision. But don't give us some bullsh** as to why you aren't going to tell your H. You aren't fooling us.

[nofool4u]

Ok, you say that you never entertained having an affair on your husband and that it wouldn't have been just anyone you would have cheated on him with, then you say this:

 

OM is abusive, has mental health issues, including depression, and is a drug addict.

 

Unless you are simply attracted to drug addicts, abusers and head cases, I'd say it could have been just about anyone. Because if this is the type of guy you fell into bed with, you don't have very high standards.

[weedsandposies]

Well, after searching through hundreds of emails I finally found the one exOM GF was talking about from a few months ago. In it she said they have been dating a COUPLE OF YEARS! And was asking me to help her get at the truth. From the tone of the email she wasn't accusing me of being involved with OM. This email was sent after the last time I saw OM. Which solidifies my hunch that he has been lying to her about still seeing me! I'm so angry at him.

 

But how do women date men for YEARS and not know they are sleeping around. When I suspected my husband was with someone else I confronted him immediately. He denied of course and I didn't pursue it because honestly I really didn't want to know and it was probably a ONS.

 

By the way, I did end up telling H I was seeing OM while separated (I know a lie). He said doesn't matter, we started over. Over the weekend he did mention in passing something in passing over the weekend which makes me think it's really not over in his mind.

[weedsandposies]

Unless you are simply attracted to drug addicts, abusers and head cases, I'd say it could have been just about anyone. Because if this is the type of guy you fell into bed with, you don't have very high standards.

 

Trust me this was in my mind every time I went to see OM. As ironic as this may sound, if I wasn't married there is no way I would've had OM touch me.

[weedsandposies]

It might all just die down.

 

Or it might just all blow up in your face.

 

Not much advice left for me to offer. I do wish you the best of luck.

 

OWL- Thank you for your advice! I did take both and glad I did. The first was to respond to exOM GF. By doing so I think I may have scared OM enough to delete ALL our converstaions, my contact info, etc. He wouldn't want to leave any traces of our R for another GF to find. Also, I feel better telling H in case this comes up again. At least he is aware something went on.

 

 

 

2sunny- there is honesty in our marriage except for this one thing, which is over except for this incident. H is very easy going, I have no reason to lie to him

[Emme]

Well, after searching through hundreds of emails I finally found the one exOM GF was talking about from a few months ago. In it she said they have been dating a COUPLE OF YEARS! And was asking me to help her get at the truth. From the tone of the email she wasn't accusing me of being involved with OM. This email was sent after the last time I saw OM. Which solidifies my hunch that he has been lying to her about still seeing me! I'm so angry at him.

 

But how do women date men for YEARS and not know they are sleeping around. When I suspected my husband was with someone else I confronted him immediately. He denied of course and I didn't pursue it because honestly I really didn't want to know and it was probably a ONS.

 

By the way, I did end up telling H I was seeing OM while separated (I know a lie). He said doesn't matter, we started over. Over the weekend he did mention in passing something in passing over the weekend which makes me think it's really not over in his mind.

 

 

Why are you still invested in this situation? It is in the past. It should not even be a issue in your mind. Your email account should also closed... why isn't it?

 

I saw your post in the other section about coming clean ... interesting.

[nofool4u]

Trust me this was in my mind every time I went to see OM. As ironic as this may sound, if I wasn't married there is no way I would've had OM touch me.

 

So, you wouldn't bed down this guy as a single woman, but did BECAUSE you were married?

 

Do your husband a favor already and file for divorce so he can find someone that will love and respect him.

[weedsandposies]

Well, it's been 8 months since I updated although the drama has not ceased. I've been dealing with it without LS until this.

 

Since my last post exOM and I had several nasty fights mostly after threatening to press charges if he and his now WIFE! didn't leave me and my husband alone. My last contact with him was January. He got engaged and married in March.

 

Everything has been quiet until a few weeks ago when I found out he transferred jobs to my neighborhood, still I ignored him. And to make matters worse last night I discovered that his wife has been trying to contact me for the past 2 weeks while we were out of the country.

 

This has been my fear: that exOM, being a serial cheater, would start philandering again and immediately I would be blamed as the OW. And now it's happening.

 

How do I deal with this? I promised my husband that any further contact with exOM would be strictly to file a restraining order, which so far he hasn't contacted me but how do I deal with this woman? At any given moment like dynamite she can go to H and tell him everything, truth or not. Dealing with OM can't be easy who knows what's going on in her head. Should I contact her and just tell her everything? I can't legally stop her from contacting H... yes, I've looked into it.

 

BTW, to be clear I didn't know exOM had an SO until after I ended the affair, he told me he had "special" people but no one in particular. Ironically it's not something I would've participated in had I known about her.

[Got it]

Well to me it depends.

 

The safest course of action would be to disclose your affair so then there is nothing to hold over your head. It may also be the hardest course of action as well but it would stop any need to look over your shoulder.

 

The second would be to contact her back and answer her questions and hope that she ends it there. I would not disclose to her your spouse doesn't know though.

 

Third, ignore and see if she gives up. That is the trickiest and most likely not to be successful though you may get lucky.

[Got it]

This post shows that MOP lower their criteria with regards to the quality of OW or OM. The reasons are multiple. They are not going to have kids with them and their social economic status is moot.:laugh:

 

Sure . . . sometimes.

 

I did not really want/desire to have kids with my ex.

 

I did find that I do, now, desire to have kids with my dMM.

 

In regards to socioeconomic, personally for myself, I am able to support myself quite well so am free from choosing a man to support me. In regards to my ex and my dMM, my dMM has a much higher total compensation though less liquid funds. My ex, until he remarried and had a kid, so based on the time we were together, would have had more net pay.

 

But it actually didn't matter in my situation. I am the one that makes more than both of them.

[weedsandposies]

All your problems are self inflicted. You are 100% the cause of your troubles. Meet this woman and put her at ease. For all you know maybe she still thinks you are sleeping with her H.

 

This is how I feel also but exOM has threatened to go straight to my husband if I do, and he would.

 

The advice on LS 8 months ago was to just ignore her after the email I sent, which worked until now. My husband knows only that the affair was during the time we were spearated and not that it continued after we reconciled, which I'm not willing to tell him.

 

And yes my exOM is the scum of the earth and only good to bed.

[woinlove]

This is how I feel also but exOM has threatened to go straight to my husband if I do, and he would.

 

The advice on LS 8 months ago was to just ignore her after the email I sent, which worked until now. My husband knows only that the affair was during the time we were spearated and not that it continued after we reconciled, which I'm not willing to tell him.

 

And yes my exOM is the scum of the earth and only good to bed.

 

If you are not willing to tell your H the truth, then it seems you have limited options. The ones I can think of are (1) put your trust in this woman and hope she responds by protecting you (very high risk) (2) try to con this woman in some way so she doesn't think there is any point in telling your H (depends on your con skills and if you can make her believe your H knows all) (3) sit and hope (risky) or (4) file a restraining order and hope that it prevents her from passing along any info to your H (may work, depending on what she knows, what her H tells her now and in the future, what evidence she has or acquires, whether she can be legally prevented by passing info to your H, which in some areas would be grounds for divorce.)

 

Personally, I would tell your H as all the other options could blow up even bigger in your face.

[Artie Lang]

by not disclosing the entire affair(from beginning to end) you will ALWAYS be held hostage by these people.

 

set yourself free, already. come clean once and for all. do it right this time- NO MORE SECRETS!

[nofool4u]

Since my last post exOM and I had several nasty fights mostly after threatening to press charges if he and his now WIFE! didn't leave me and my husband alone.

 

What is it he and his now wife are doing?

 

 

This has been my fear: that exOM, being a serial cheater, would start philandering again and immediately I would be blamed as the OW. And now it's happening.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

You tell the wife you are no longer in contact with her husband and and haven't been since before they got engaged and that you want nothing to do with him. If she persists, then contact the authorities. But you have to make sure she is doing something to warrant any kind of restraining order.

 

 

At any given moment like dynamite she can go to H and tell him everything, truth or not.

 

Ah, so this is what you are really worried about, telling your husband the truth? Not blaming you for her new husband's possible cheating.

 

So now we are to understand that the only reason you want a restraining order is because you are afraid of her telling your husband the truth.

 

So you don't know what it is his new wife wants. Could be she simply has some questions for you to find out if you and he are truly over. So getting a restraining order would be quite silly if you don't know what she wants to talk to you about.

 

 

Dealing with OM can't be easy who knows what's going on in her head. Should I contact her and just tell her everything?

 

Couldn't hurt. Even if she does think you are seeing her xOM still to this day, you can put the kibosh on that by adamantly telling her that you are not and don't want anything to do with him further. She may believe you, she may not.

 

 

I can't legally stop her from contacting H... yes, I've looked into it.

 

I guess I don't understand her feeling the need to contact your H unless she thinks you are still frolicking with the OM. Because if she doesn't think you 2 are together, I can't see her thinking its any of her business to contact your H. And if she knows that he was your OM, then what is she thinking marrying him?

 

 

BTW, to be clear I didn't know exOM had an SO until after I ended the affair, he told me he had "special" people but no one in particular.

 

Ah, so he was boning her at the same time he was you? Well then that explains why she is contacting you. She is probably looking for answers as opposed to wanting to rip you a new ahole. If it were me, I wouldn't hold it against another guy if he didn't know the woman that was cheating on me lied to him too. If he knew my gf/wife, whatever, was committed to me, then he would be a pr!ck to me. But not if he didn't know.

 

 

Ironically it's not something I would've participated in had I known about her.

 

???? So you don't like being cheated on, or being the OW, but cheating on your husband is ok?

[nofool4u]

And yes my exOM is the scum of the earth and only good to bed.

 

That he is, but I don't think you are in a position to make that judgement.

[nofool4u]

by not disclosing the entire affair(from beginning to end) you will ALWAYS be held hostage by these people.

 

And held hostage by what these people know and can use against her she should be.

 

They will tell her H the truth. Its only a matter of time, and for his sake, the sooner the better.

 

But really, in another thread, weed&posies already told this forum that her affair was good for her marriage. If so, her husband will think so too, right? No reason not to tell him if she thinks its all good.

Edited August 20, 2012 by nofool4u

[Artie Lang]

True dat... ALL GOOD!

[nofool4u]

Then keep your legs closed and stay away from married men!@

 

How about as a married woman she stay away from ANY other men, period.

[weedsandposies]

How about as a married woman she stay away from ANY other men, period.

 

it's a socialist agenda: sprending the love around

 

What is it he and his now wife are doing?

 

You tell the wife you are no longer in contact with her husband and and haven't been since before they got engaged and that you want nothing to do with him. If she persists, then contact the authorities. But you have to make sure she is doing something to warrant any kind of restraining order.

 

Ah, so this is what you are really worried about, telling your husband the truth? Not blaming you for her new husband's possible cheating.

 

So now we are to understand that the only reason you want a restraining order is because you are afraid of her telling your husband the truth.

 

In my state if someone contacts once a month or less, it's not considered stalking/harrassment. What aggravates me is although their contact is infrequent, i have sent them a cease and desist which they're not honoring.

 

So you don't know what it is his new wife wants. Could be she simply has some questions for you to find out if you and he are truly over. So getting a restraining order would be quite silly if you don't know what she wants to talk to you about.

 

I imagine she wants the truth. And reading on here many BS meet up with OM/OW even years later looking for truth. BUT a) she married him even after discovering he's been cheating with several people, b) if she needs me to confirm/dispute what her H is saying, well doesn't that speak for itself?

 

Couldn't hurt. Even if she does think you are seeing her xOM still to this day, you can put the kibosh on that by adamantly telling her that you are not and don't want anything to do with him further. She may believe you, she may not.

 

Her attempts at truth-finding are futile since she has not and will not believe anything I say.

 

I guess I don't understand her feeling the need to contact your H unless she thinks you are still frolicking with the OM. Because if she doesn't think you 2 are together, I can't see her thinking its any of her business to contact your H. And if she knows that he was your OM, then what is she thinking marrying him?

 

He must've fed her some extravagant lie. None of which matters to me. In my one and only email to her I did tell her I wasn't married. Yet future evidence has shown she didn't buy it.

 

Ah, so he was boning her at the same time he was you? Well then that explains why she is contacting you. She is probably looking for answers as opposed to wanting to rip you a new ahole. If it were me, I wouldn't hold it against another guy if he didn't know the woman that was cheating on me lied to him too. If he knew my gf/wife, whatever, was committed to me, then he would be a pr!ck to me. But not if he didn't know.

 

Apparently he was dating her having her think they're exclusive and sleeping around. Later proving a point by marrying her.

 

But really, in another thread, weed&posies already told this forum that her affair was good for her marriage.

 

I stand by my statement. I never wanted D and being with OM for a year made me grateful for what I have.

[weedsandposies]

by not disclosing the entire affair(from beginning to end) you will ALWAYS be held hostage by these people.

 

set yourself free, already. come clean once and for all. do it right this time- NO MORE SECRETS!

 

then poof there goes my marriage. not doing it.

 

The second would be to contact her back and answer her questions and hope that she ends it there. I would not disclose to her your spouse doesn't know though.

 

Third, ignore and see if she gives up. That is the trickiest and most likely not to be successful though you may get lucky.

 

Ignoring is not working very well. I realized she's been contacting me and thinking I've been ignoring her since Summer of 2010. Her emails have been going to spam folders, and she's been calling and blocking her phone# (a recent subpoena to my phone company revealed this).

 

To the 2nd point of just emailing her and telling her everything... a) she would have yet more proof to use against me, b) exOM would go ballistic and contact H, that is if they are still together. Don't know, don't care.

[weedsandposies]

I've been contemplating sending her an anonymous email with links to info on serial cheaters, narcissists etc. hopefully she'd realize his character flaws have nothing to do with me. Obviously she's still contacting me because something doesn't seem right in her R yet she's too unsure of herself to trust her intuition.

[jwi71]

I've been contemplating sending her an anonymous email with links to info on serial cheaters, narcissists etc. hopefully she'd realize his character flaws have nothing to do with me. Obviously she's still contacting me because something doesn't seem right in her R yet she's too unsure of herself to trust her intuition.

 

WaP,

 

She isn't really the issue here. You have successfully managed to relegate her contacts to the "annoying mosquito in your ear". It's nothing - the occasional eye roll or annoyed sigh.

 

The issue is Damocle's sword.

 

It hangs over you and forever will until you end it.

 

You can't make her go away. You can't. You, of all people, should know this. Nothing has deterred her and nothing will. Ditto for the xOM. Their power lies not in contact but the threat of telling your H.

 

And it will NEVER end.

Unless you end it.

 

Now, I also know you won't listen to my advice / you've ignored everyone to date really.

 

I would sit your H down and spill it. But work backwards. And by this I mean start by showing the receipts for services rendered to lawyers. Then show what the lawyers did (cease and desist letter, subpoenas and etc). Tell him your xOM's W is stalking and harrassing you. That she and the xOM are blackmailing you emotionally. That they have both threatened to ruin your M. And you're fighting tooth and nail to protect it. Then tell him. You were involved with OM while separated and during your reconciliation. Tell him it's over, it has been and forever will be. And you need his support in this horrible mess.

 

No more sword over your head. The truth is out there.

 

The alternative is - you already know that at anytime, for little or no provocation, either one of them can tell.

 

Why you give them that power is beyond me - but ultimately it's your choice.

 

I'd tell because you get to control the message, tone and delivery.

 

It just may make the difference.

 

Good luck.

[weedsandposies]

So you think it's just a matter of time? I'm optimistic their M will end soon and I'll be nothing but a faded memory.

 

The way you worded the confession is so well-written, perhaps you could speak to H? I can't argue ideally confessing everything would be the best way to go. And I don't want it to seem like we moved past this indiscretion with no consequences. H has demanded no contact with them except through an attorney. He has passwords to vm and phone, which he doesn't check but I volunteered anyway. He's happy not to hear about exOM. And I don't want to ruin things after we've come so far.