weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) OM had a d-day over the weekend. I received an email from his girlfriend telling me in not so nice terms that they are invloved and to leave him alone and that she would tell my husband if I contacted him again. We have not seen each other in over 4 months and have not spoken in a few weeks. The last communication was from me asking if he was ok only because he had told me he got hurt and wanted to see me. At the time I ignored the message. Why would she contact me? I spoke to OM immediately after, and he reassured me that she wouldn't contact my husband. Of course this is not something I believe, considering I told him to delete all our conversations and my contact info and apparently he hadn't. The only thing he was concerned with was whether or not I was seeing this other man (I told him I was involved with another person so he leaves me alone). Now I'm thinking he staged all of this so his girlfriend sees certain messages between us thinking they were recent and threatens me. Any advice on how to keep them away from me? I did tell him if she contacts me again, harrassing me I would contact the authorities. After all this time has passed I would think the affair would be history but just seems to be creeping back up again and threatening my marriage. Edited November 29, 2011 by weedsandposies
Silly_Girl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 WAP - it's one email. Why would you think it was an elaborate plot to threaten you? Sorry, don't know your story, maybe it's obvious......
2sunny Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 He didn't threaten your marriage - YOU did. You did by cheating. Do you notice when people don't cheat - they don't have these worries? Stop cheating! Problem solved!!! 3
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 We haven't seen eachother in over 4 months! And when I asked him why she even knows about me, he mentioned how we cared aout each other. We weren't dating and I even went so far as to tell him we were just FWB not dating so he gets the idea no feelings were involved. I don't want to have to worry about this every feew months.
2sunny Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 We haven't seen eachother in over 4 months! And when I asked him why she even knows about me, he mentioned how we cared aout each other. We weren't dating and I even went so far as to tell him we were just FWB not dating so he gets the idea no feelings were involved. I don't want to have to worry about this every feew months. It's part of what you signed up for when you allowed him to dip his stick where it shouldn't be dipped. There are always consequences for our actions. This is part of what you should expect when you screw someone else's man - especially when you are married. Now you're only worried about YOU! Shoulda thought of that before he dipped you! 2
skywriter Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 People are people, just can't say "no feelings involved"! It's another of the many risk that is taken when having an A.
PhoenixRise Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 We haven't seen eachother in over 4 months! And when I asked him why she even knows about me, he mentioned how we cared aout each other. We weren't dating and I even went so far as to tell him we were just FWB not dating so he gets the idea no feelings were involved. I don't want to have to worry about this every feew months. Well maybe to you the four months that have passed make this whole thing ancient history but to her, since she just found out this weekend it is all brand new and causing her pain right now. So she is reacting to what she is feeling. Don't believe him that she won't really tell your husband. She said she would, believe her. I know you would prefer not to have to worry about this every few months but truly, you can't control her and neither can he.
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Well, I hope he dumps her. They started seeing each other after we split. She has no business contacting me and he agrees. Supposedly she has children (not his), a mental wreck thats what scares me and why I'm so angry he let her get to his phone. AND he is sleeping with other people besides her. Maybe she was upset and just emailed everyone, including me. Edited November 29, 2011 by weedsandposies
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Or maybe...she just found out about it...doesn't know if you're still in contact with him or not (and you are now, since her email)...and she's trying to ensure that you STAY AWAY. Simple, easy remedy. Reply back to her email that it's over between you and him, you want NO further contact at all between you and her, or you and him...PERIOD. Make sure he sees that too. Then change your numbers, do everything you can to PREVENT further contact between you and the two of them. HOPEFULLY, that'll be enough to keep them from going to your H. It may not be...nor, truthfully, can you blame either of them for your choices. If they do go to him...that's a result of your choice to have an affair. PERHAPS, you should consider going to him preemptively, telling him what happened, how it ended, and spell it all out for him BEFORE they get the chance to "spill the beans". That gives you BOTH the opportunity to resolve and deal with this without their input. It also gives your H the choice to remain married to you or not, based on this information as well. WIN/WIN.
PhoenixRise Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well, I hope he dumps her. They started seeing each other after we split. She has no business contacting me and he agrees. Supposedly she has children (not his), a mental wreck thats what scares me and why I'm so angry he let her get to his phone. AND he is sleeping with other people besides her. Maybe she was upset and just emailed everyone, including me. Maybe OR Maybe you are the only one she knows about and she means it when she says that she WILL tell your husband if there if further contact between you and her boyfriend. It doesn't matter if you think she has the right to contact you. It doesn't matter if he thinks she has the right to contact you. What matters if what SHE will chose to do with the information she has about you. If she is a mental wreck then she is a mental wreck with the ability to blow your marriage out of the water by exposing your actions. You can't control her and neither can he. All you can do is tell your husband before she does or just resign yourself to worrying about when she will chose to expose the affair to your husband.
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 OWL-I didn't reply to her. Didn't seem worth it. Just forwarded the email to him then deleted because she seems like a gullible fool to believe he would be with her exclusively. I've known him for 15 years, he's not the faithful type. If I did email her back it would be to tell her it wasn't me he cheated on her with. But what bugs me is why he led her to believe it was me. I don't want to call him again.
bentnotbroken Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well, I hope he dumps her. They started seeing each other after we split. She has no business contacting me and he agrees. Supposedly she has children (not his), a mental wreck thats what scares me and why I'm so angry he let her get to his phone. AND he is sleeping with other people besides her. Maybe she was upset and just emailed everyone, including me. You helped open the can or worms, you have no say so in how they get dumped or who gets dumped on. Not your call. Sucks don't it?
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 My husband doesn't want to hear about this. I did try to tell him I was being threatened, he didn't want to hear it. He hates drama. No doubt if she does get a hold of him it will wreck our relationship. It sucks that I'm getting blamed for OM not keeping his pants zipped, yes.
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 OWL-I didn't reply to her. Didn't seem worth it. Just forwarded the email to him then deleted because she seems like a gullible fool to believe he would be with her exclusively. I've known him for 15 years, he's not the faithful type. If I did email her back it would be to tell her it wasn't me he cheated on her with. But what bugs me is why he led her to believe it was me. I don't want to call him again. She knows you were "with him"...but she's not clear on WHEN that was? Why are you angry at her, if he's the one who can't be faithful? You've known him for 15 years...and you cheated with him, even if he wasn't (apparently) with her at the time. I don't understand your disdain for her...it sounds to me like the worst she's "guilty" of is not being aware of the timeframe that your affair with him occurred. I also don't get why you'd be angry with her or him about the possibility of her telling your H...that's not her fault, not her mistake...it's entirely yours. And as I mentioned earlier...it's something you can negate by managing the release of that information to your H yourself, so that he's fully aware of the truth of your relationship with him and can make his own informed decision on what to do based on that. It seems to me you've got a way to deal with all of this, but instead you're focused on being angry at her...I don't get it. She's hurt, she's angry, and she's assuming that he cheated with you ON HER. If she's mistaken...why be angry at her? She just doesn't have all the information...nor does your H. Perhaps ALL of you should 'come clean' to your respective others...clear the air all the way around? 1
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) My husband doesn't want to hear about this. I did try to tell him I was being threatened, he didn't want to hear it. He hates drama. No doubt if she does get a hold of him it will wreck our relationship. It sucks that I'm getting blamed for OM not keeping his pants zipped, yes. Your husband would not, does not want to know that you cheated on him? Has told you that you're not to tell him if you did something like this? Seems to me that it works the other way too...you wouldn't be in this boat had you not "been with" OM as well...how are you not equally responsible for that? Edited November 29, 2011 by Owl
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I'm angry at OM more because he allowed her to get her hands on this info. He should've deleted our conversations like I asked him to. I guess he's not very concerned with my marriage. I'm not angry at her but she has no business contacting and threatening me. Her email was downright rude and she stole my contact info off his phone. And she's an idiot who should spend her energy looking after her kids, not harrassing me.
East7 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Any advice on how to keep them away from me? I did tell him if she contacts me again, harrassing me I would contact the authorities. After all this time has passed I would think the affair would be history but just seems to be creeping back up again and threatening my marriage. Threatening your marriage? You were the one to threaten your marriage. What did you think? that you could go take an OM and get laid without consequences ever. It doesn't work that way. His GF probably just found out and she is is in anger against you and want to take revenge. You know how it works : his GF thinks your OM is an angel and you were the married b1cth who went after him. She won't blame him but you. As Owl said the only way to nip it in the bud is to confess it to your husband. If you don't, then maybe there will be a d-day for you that you need to face like a big girl (you thought you were a big girl when you took a FWB right?). 1
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 My husband doesn't want to hear about this. I did try to tell him I was being threatened, he didn't want to hear it. He hates drama. No doubt if she does get a hold of him it will wreck our relationship. It sucks that I'm getting blamed for OM not keeping his pants zipped, yes. You could have said no to him, hello, you're the married one here. Your husband didn't want to hear it? Well, how about telling him the truth, that you cheated on him and had an affair. And yes, if the OM's gf tells your H, of course your marriage will be wrecked.. BUt, you wrecked it a long time ago.. Take responsibility for your own actions and choices, you put blame on everybody but yourself. 1
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'm angry at OM more because he allowed her to get her hands on this info. He should've deleted our conversations like I asked him to. I guess he's not very concerned with my marriage. Well...if he didn't care about his relationship with his GF enough that he cheated on her...why would you ever think that he'd care about your marriage? He's the guy you chose to engage in your affair with...the poor choice here was probably as much yours as his. I'm not angry at her but she has no business contacting and threatening me. Her email was downright rude and she stole my contact info off his phone. And she's an idiot who should spend her energy looking after her kids, not harrassing me. Again...look at it from her perspective. She believes he cheated on her with you...she at least knows that you were "with" him in that fashion while you were with your H. She sees you as a threat to her relationship. She SHOULD be spending her energy dealing with a threat to her relationship. This has nothing to do with her kids...not sure why YOU feel compelled to bring that up tho. Why are you really angry? Because she's threatening your relationship with your H? You're the one who chose to have the affair...that's not her fault. You knowingly, intentionally engaged in behavior that you knew your H would be hurt by...why are you angry at her about that? She's the only one who didn't have any say whatsoever in that choice or action...only you and her BF did. Her 'threat' to take it to your H is being done in an effort to safeguard her relationship from YOU...the person she sees as a threat. Either remove yourself as the threat (by informing her of the truth with evidence), or remove her potential 'threat' by telling your H yourself. Simple enough.
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I hope she got the hint by me not responding to her that I could care less about them. yes. I made a poor choice engaging in an affair with this person especially since I know how he is. She should be spending her energy on ANYTHING besides him.. They've only been together a few months and he already cheated on her.
findingnemo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'm angry at OM more because he allowed her to get her hands on this info. He should've deleted our conversations like I asked him to. I guess he's not very concerned with my marriage. I'm not angry at her but she has no business contacting and threatening me. Her email was downright rude and she stole my contact info off his phone. And she's an idiot who should spend her energy looking after her kids, not harrassing me. She may be an "idiot" but she is the one with all the power to inform your H who hates drama and will probably be very very angry about your A. She is NOT a thief. OM is her bf and she may check his phone and anything else she pleases if she suspects that he's fooling around. She is not rude. She is angry. For the last 4 months you believed you had gotten away with an A. Now it seems like this may not be the case. Your anger with this situation is misplaced because you blame OM and his gf. That's just a waste of time. At this point, you need to decide whether or not you want to save your M. You can do one of three things: 1. Keep quiet and pray that nothing happens. 2. Tell your H the truth and don't expect him to believe that you're being stalked for no reason at all. 3. Take a risk and send her an email explaining that your R occurred before he met her and that it is over. Assure her that you will never contact him again and then...pray that she believes you. Also know this. If you persist in telling OM that there's a OOM, you risk angering two individuals who together can decide to inform your H about your past. Stop the lies NOW. Stop the angry outbursts and start thinking of a plan.
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I hope she got the hint by me not responding to her that I could care less about them. yes. I made a poor choice engaging in an affair with this person especially since I know how he is. If she just found out he's cheated on her...she's not going to be in a "taking the hint" kind of mindset. She's going to assume that the affair went deeper underground. She (rightfully so) can't trust him to tell her the truth, and you're not talking...so why should she assume that your silence means nothing is going on? On the contrary...she'll assume silence is guilt and continuation of what she suspects is going on. Your silence will likely goad her into taking that action to "protect her relationship with him". If you want to avoid that...you're better off throwing him under the bus and being honest and up front with her. She should be spending her energy on ANYTHING besides him.. They've only been together a few months and he already cheated on her. I'd agree. But if she's only been together with him for a few months...how is SHE supposed to know that he's a waste of time/energy/breath? Why be angry with her for her choosing to continue a relationship with him, especially since she doesn't have all the information? Why not give her that information and let her make an informed choice instead of getting ticked off at her for not reacting the way that you wish that she would?
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Thanks, OWL and everyone. I got it this time. So would you suggest I email her telling her: - I've known OM our entire adult lives and this is who he is - our R was while h and i were separated - it ended months ago and it wasn't me whoever he was with I'm not going to add in that I think she's wasting her time with him since it's really not my business, she'll think i'm trying to break them up and simply won't believe me. Most liekly this will happen to her again in the near future if she stays with him. I want to come across as neutral. Not angry as all of you have suggested, although I'm livid Also, I did promise OM I wouldn't email her back, but now I'm thinking i don't owe him anything and he probbaly WANTS her to think it was me.
Author weedsandposies Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Also, should I apologize for whats she's going through or just leave that alone? I want to get on her good side so she leaves me and H alone.
Owl Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Thanks, OWL and everyone. I got it this time. So would you suggest I email her telling her: - I've known OM our entire adult lives and this is who he is - our R was while h and i were separated - it ended months ago and it wasn't me whoever he was with I'm not going to add in that I think she's wasting her time with him since it's really not my business, she'll think i'm trying to break them up and simply won't believe me. Most liekly this will happen to her again in the near future if she stays with him. I want to come across as neutral. Not angry as all of you have suggested, although I'm livid Also, I did promise OM I wouldn't email her back, but now I'm thinking i don't owe him anything and he probbaly WANTS her to think it was me. Spot on the money. Coming across as neutral, and spelling out the specifics in your involvement with him without trying to "steer" her in any direction is probably your best bet. You're right...you don't owe him anything. He's letting you take the heat for his actions with someone else.
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