lolita jade Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 When we first start posting on here we are all very negative and think our world has ended. It is at this point we hear comments like. NC and he may come back etc, etc. Are we just fooling ourselves to think NC will maybe get our ex back? My ex was with me for 25 years, have grown up kids, lives 5 mins away, said initially he would help me with DIY, garden, car and still no contact. If he wont contact me, what chance do people have who have no reason to contact eachother? It is not until we accept and start moving on we find happiness. I have got to this stage now. It feels like I have been reborn with a new life lol. I think it is only when you BOTH have a spark/ or BOTH are madly in love you have a chance to get back together. Unless I am missing the point. I feel my ex has no remorse or guilt by moving on with OW. And now I am over him. I don't want him back. (or very unlikely)
mike588 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 . I hope I'm at that stage now too,, It's been 4 months. At 1st I was also hoping N.C. would bring her back but now see the real benefits of it,, to help you heal and move on. I read so many threads/post here where people are still hurting so bad,like it happened yesterday even though the breakup was months,or many months ago because they keep in contact or eat the breadcrumbs that are thrown their way. I was getting jealous reading post's here about people getting breadcrumbs thinking wow,, he or she still cares,why am I not getting any,she must not care. I'm starting to look foward to the future,, a new g/f one that won't crap all over me,,, to learn from my mistakes and to act on the red flags instead of ignoring them. Even though I'm not completely over my ex. I'm somewhat excited about meeting someone new armed with what I learned from the past.
BardoPond Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Honestly I think that's the beauty of NC though, it seems to me that even if it's started with the view to get the person back once you start it and it starts to work it's magic then it really doesn't matter why you started it.
twinkles Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi Lolita, I really believe that NC works only if the two of you share the same feelings of possibly wanting to give it another go. I think you are doing so well. Your life doesn't belong to your ex it belongs to you. It's your life. What are you going to do with it? I'm sure you have moped and cried enough. So let it be enough. There may be a day he regrets his decision but it's not today. You have to look forward. Give thanks every day to the life you have. Is there any chance you can move..it would definately help in the new life that awaits you. Is there any chance your children keep him informed at what's going on in your life?
Author lolita jade Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 What lovely replies. When you first start nc, you only do it in the hope you will get that text or that call. Admitedly, my realisation mostly came from the odd contact on my behalf and having absolutely zero empathy or feeling in return. Even down right selfishness and rudeness to my polite, friendly, non pushy contact. This made me totally and utterly exhausted and a switch literally turned off overnight. I feel great now. I believe things happen for a reason and the facy that I lost my job with the stress of it all has given me the much needed time to enjoy my own company and start to love me. I don't know what my life holds and may decide to move towns, who knows? I am not ready for another relationship until at least a year but it will come. My kids don't advise me about my husbands life so i can trust them with my details. Where are you from Twinkles, I noticed some English spelling on one of your posts? I am from England.
twinkles Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi Lolita, I'm a Canadian hence the UK spelling. Sounds like you are on the right path. A year off sounds great. Time to get to know yourself all over again.
Author lolita jade Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Well thats the plan anyway. Not sure about those dating sites. Would like to meet someone naturally. How are you getting on twinkles?
Rorschach64 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Not to be a debby downer but I think typically when someone posts to proclaim they are over it isn't really over it. We've already talked about what your ex is all about Jade but when you are actually totally indifferent to the situation and are going to move on you will feel this, at least for me this is how I felt, sad empty feeling about the other person and situation. Hmm...I guess to best describe it as if you just hollow-zombie mode about it. Maybe another analogy is, it is something you looked forward to with all your heart, soul, and mind then when you finally achieve it you are not as pleased with what you were seeking and just go "What now?" and shrug. Be honest Jade do you really think you are 100% over this? I would understand if you weren't because your break up is a big one Oh also I would suggest no dating still, especially after a long marriage just cruise control life and work on career.
Rorschach64 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 In regards to NC getting your ex back....yeah a lot of us do it because we hope it gets our ex's back. Hell, logically it would work but the problem is most of them are totally happy with the decision and don't love us no mores. So it doesn't work in that respect but who knows what the future brings...some people have a sudden realization that they want you and love you so very much X amount of years later. Either way NC is great because you move on and heal, if they come back during this process well that is just a nice surprise. 6 months NC coming on up and not a peep from the ex-fiancee THOUGH oddly enough her friend that decided to side with my ex-fiancee recently contacted me via text wondering how I was doing...just funny that someone that sided with the enemy side and wasn't really my friend cares more about my well being than my ex-fiancee. Go figure, but at least I got to rub it in his face that I wasn't the crap burger cheater that he thought I was.
immitable Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Not to be a debby downer but I think typically when someone posts to proclaim they are over it isn't really over it. I have to agree I am afraid. I also think you are not completely over him. You have to get to the stage where you don't care anymore, if you saw him you wouldn't feel butterflies or be upset or anything. You just wouldn't care. If the circumstances allow try to go out maybe, it won't help you find someone new but talking and meeting other men in your case, helps restore hope and you really start to believe that there are good people out there as well.
Author lolita jade Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Hi all, Hey I am definately not saying that I am over it 100 per cent and dont think of him at all. Today for example, I am really peed off that he probably wont even contact me at all before Christmas. (this is the person who told my dad we would stay great friends) Some friend!!! What I am saying, is I have accepted that it is over and that I will have to make a life without him. I am not confessing that I dont love him anymore or that I wont miss him. I have got friends and I do go out. I talk to other men too. I have some male friends. I am not ready to date. Unlike my ex who moved on when still had strong feelings for me. I am smart enough to know if I hooked up with someone now it would be to mask hurt. I want to be ready to love again. It is difficult when writing to get your case accross but I am trying to be very positive and also help other people too. Yes I have accepted to move on though and I am excited about a new life. Obviously, I will get some downers. I am human
twinkles Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hi Lolita, After my set back Saturday, when I returned home from work Monday there was a message on my phone from the ex...I didn't reply and went and got my haircut instead. Normally I would have called him back instantly but decided to play it cool this time. When I got home from the hairdressers there was another message from him. So I called him back. The conversation was light and I told him I had gotten my haircut and oh I looked so cute. Tuesday he called at work asking if he could pick up his pay cheque. He's never called to pickup his pay cheque before. He normally would wait and pick it up on his next shift as it wasn't that much anyway. He has a regular full time job and the one he works at with me is just an part time thing so i doubt that he needed the money...maybe he wanted to see the haircut but who knows. I've been making little changes to myself to possibly let him see me in a different light. I remember the first time we worked together after the split I wore tight jeans instead of my usual sweat pants. He said isn't it too hot too wear jeans....so he noticed. I don't know if his GIGS will last but right now I will do what I can to keep me in his mind. Maybe my friend who dropped by Saturday night helped the situtation afterall. I still miss him very much but I know that I will be able to move ahead in my life with or without him.
Author lolita jade Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Hi Twinks, That is great news. Play hard to get and stay grounded. Also there are things you need to ask yourself.... Will he do it again? Were there issues with your relationship taht need to change? Would you set yourself up for another fall? Be 100 per cent sure before dating him again. You will probably spend time blaming him and it will come up again and again. You would have to put the past behind both of you and keep it there. If you decide not to date him again at least you are on top of the situation not the other way round:) Good luck whatever happens xx
Rorschach64 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Jade, Wasn't doubting you just going off what I experienced through my break up, I declared myself as being strong and moving forward but I clearly didn't when I eventually came crashing down in depression literally 4 days later after my declaration. Do what you gotta do to heal and it will come on its own time and terms. I am glad though you scoff at the idea of being friends with the ex. To accept being friends with an ex is like you are scrawny pathetic mutt of a dog begging for whatever you can get...screw that. Oh also I didn't mean to blow you off in the other threads, I was over at a girl's place for thanksgiving so no real access to LS other than cell. If you need to message me before thinking about talking to your ex, please go ahead. I am glad you are moving forward and using the tools available to adjust fire to a better life P.S. Maybe you can throw some minor insight as to why the hell my ex's friend sent me a text after 6 months of nothing from anyone wondering how I was? I know it is nothing but I have this weird feeling about it since it was so aburpt and short.
Author lolita jade Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Hi Rors, Sorry no idea how to message anybody, tried to look but must be a real dumb wit. Please tell me how to? Its ok Rors, much better to be out enjoying yourself. I do still have days where I wish he contacted me, due to Christmas, our kids and purely just to see how I am. I am on my own at the age of 45 for the first time in my life and he doesn't give a sh**. That is annoying. But I think would it be healthy for him to contact me? no, because I would get sad he is with OW. It needs time to adjust. I think he is in rebound the more I think of it. He has grabbed the first thing on offer at the supermarket but I am thinking tough luck now rather than trying to warn him. Sod him Your text sounds like it was them collaborating one day. Either your ex does wonder whether you are single and available for her to come back to or just being nosey as girls can be. You won't know the difference unless you keep in contact via text with her friend, but that will mean asking questions of your ex, unless you can think of other things to say?? Text her back like you are having a great time though. Hope you are ok Rors?
Rorschach64 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Jade, It is okay that you haven't figured it out yet, mostly because you are not an established member as of yet. You have to be here for a certain amount of time or hack up money for it. I know it is hard and we all desire for them to reach out to us but yeah like you said they couldn't care less if we are alive. You are probably right about the rebound bit but it doesn't matter right now. You will eventually start thinking about how crap the relationship was in some ways and are releaved that it is over, at least that's what I have been doing here and there. Are you have dreams about him? I don't know...that's what I thought at first but I got no e-mail from my ex at all since I told her friend that I have been destroyed from the break up and I inquired if he knew that I didn't cheat on her which he said he knew even though he was a stern supporter of her during the break up. Further more I told him that she did it because of another guy and she practically stole my laptop. He didn't respond to that and then I told him no military deployment and that I would appreciate it he didn't say anything to her. Then I deleted his texts and watched a movie with that girl, didn't hear anything from him since. I rather no do the whole "Who is doing better game" so I left it as is. I am doing fine just not very motivated to go to the gym the last few days, though I am forcing myself today to go lol. Remember with holidays coming you are your own worse enemy so try to block out those media hyped messages of family togetherness and I think you'll be fine
M2155 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) I don't think you should declare being over anyone. It's just a somber feeling one day when you realize you really are. It's kinda a cool feeling at the same time since you struggled with it for so long. But it is cool to declare you are focusing on yourself;) I too have accepted the relationship is over and he's not coming back and I have too many doubts to be sure I would even want him back. My ex has moved on, no breadcrumbs or anything to stress over. Plus my post-relationship period has given me time to see all the not-so-great points and things I need to do better when I meet someone better for me. The me today is way more interesting and confident than the me that was chasing him around all the time. I don't doubt that seeing him could mess me up for a minute but reality is still reality. You have to to some degree, force yourself to let go of hope. I'm on the fence about being ready to get involved, casual dating is fine but I guess when I meet someone relationship worthy, I will give it a fair chance. Spending time with other/new people though, after the obligatory period of ice cream and tears, has been helpful. Edited December 1, 2011 by M2155
Author lolita jade Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Rors, Yes I am afraid your ex got an acomplous (spelling wrong) to do her dirty work, to find out who was at a better stage..... Forget it, at least you know how to act if you get any more questions. Just be determind to have a great life Rors Yes I dreamt about him last night. Do you remember me telling you his OW has kids? It was actually a really bitchy dream. As I like going out, love rock gigs and am a party girl. In my dream I bumped into him and said " Are you having fun with your new woman? Oh no, I suppose you have to stay in and babysit? I am having a fantasic time out socialising" It was bitchy but I bet that situation is true M2155, I think I am at the same stage as you! And probably Rors too? Christmas sucks though but next year will be the norm
Rorschach64 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Jade, Well crap didn't see that you responded this morning, oh well. Yeah, either way, if it was a scouting mission or just simple curiosity I'll never know. Oh I did forget to mention he told I can go find anyone I wanted since he said a compliment to me. I am thankful I didn't say anything about this girl I am seeing now. Next time he comes back that is if he comes back won't give him anything. Yeah I remember it all and yeah those dreams can be awesome or real killers. Yours seems to be one of the awesome ones whilst my most recent one made me wake up in the middle of the night going "God damn, she made me happy because she understood me" No idea what made me think that but whatever. Well your dream does have a point You are totally free of all baggage right now unlike his silly butt. Gotta see some positive in all of this insanity. I guess to explain where I am at mentally...I am at a point where I have to kind of force myself to think about my ex-fiancee...when I do all I can think of is her face for a few seconds and sorta what she sounds like. Nothing about the break up comes up or the relationship at that just...nothing at all. You make christmas what it is just like life. If you are already sitting here thinking it is going to suck, it probably will be sucky!
Author lolita jade Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Didnt realise you had anyone now. Is it a rebound or someone your just not so keen on? Is she your stepping stone? Good you got that compliment that must make you feel great! Its like me, I know I will find someone else and am excited about new doors opening. Christmas wont suck because I wont let it Rors. I guess the only difference is he wont be there. I naively thought he would always be my friend after knowing him so long??? Next year it will be normal. It only takes one time of change to get used to something. So far, not had any lovey dovey dreams about him. At least that is good. Your ex will turn up again at some point when you dont expect it.
Rorschach64 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Jade, I figured at this point it is time to move on and start dating again since I can't really feel much about my ex anymore other than the occasional dream or two. So this new person is not a rebound or someone I am not too keen on, so it is just your every day normal thing Well despite the compliment I felt it was just something to persuade me in to thinking that everything will be fine, which it will be, but I couldn't help but feel a tad bit insulted by it. Something along the lines of "I didn't want someone else at the time." Damn straight! Don't let it and it won't Yeah, I know what you mean....you always think that these people would never stab you in the back and they are your bestest friend ever plus lover. So much for that thinking, even being with someone as long as you have been, can make someone a skeptic about anyone. Yeah you are lucky with that aspect...but maybe deep in your mind you already knew that this was coming in some shape or form. Well I hope if she does come back it will be when I just passed my Physician's Assistant certification so I can be high as a kite on awesomeness when dealing with her
Author lolita jade Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Good for you Rors, I am a little concerned you are still on here, concerned about your ex with a new girl in tow. You may grow as fond of the new girl as you were of your ex and eventually be happy it turned out this way. Yes I am determined I will have a good time this Christmas because you start to think, hang on a minute this is my life and I am not letting this a**hole make it miserable any more. One of my friend's said 'he is out enjoying himself and you need to do the same'. That hits the nail on the head. I really hope I don't end up hating him. It is funny I want to avoid him now. I have stuff at my house still but I don't want to get it, if it means I have to see him.
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