intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hello, I have been dating with this girl for 1.5 years now. she is the first girl i slept with. I'm 26, and she is 23. About 2-3 months into the relationship she kept on saying that i should test the waters (sex only with other girls), but i always put it aside, because i thought that it would be considered cheating. Throughout the relationship she has kept on stating the fact that she would rather that i test what's out there now rather then later. Therefor i came up with the idea that i would feel more comfortable doing a girl with her. At first she seemed hesitant, because it is extremely complicated to setup, but she seemed pretty interested about the idea. I've also warned her that if she opens that door for me to fool around, that i wouldn't open the door for her. She said it was fine because she has been with men in the past (before our relationship). Therefor it isn't the same. I think that the she likes the sense of competition that it would bring, because after texting back and forth about the 3some all day. When i arrived at home she jumped on me for satisfaction, and would be like this is what another girl would do, but i would do it like this. Also that night she had the biggest O of her life (I usually always give her one), but she said it like nothing she had ever felt before. What do you guys/girls think? Should i open the door and test the waters, should we try to setup a 3some, or should i just ignore what she says. Thank you
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well you are young and if this goes south after you introduce another person in the bedroom it will be ok. Now after you get your fun this open the door that for her to want hers. You must sit and think could you handle another man with her. If this is something you can live with I say go for it. But remeber things like this wreck more relationships than it helps. Odds are agaist this ending well.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Well i've asked her, and i've warned her over and over that i wouldn't accept it if she slept with another men. Her reply is that she doesn't need to since she has in the past and she's really satisfied with me. She also said that the rules would be "don't fall in love", "warn me when you go". Thanks,
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Just remeber you are changing the rules from a normal relationship. Change leads to more change. If she has done this before with other guys then it might be her thing. Proceed with caution. This road will be filled with bumps and curves.
Bryanp Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Eventually it will all end very badly because it usually always does.
reboot Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 No woman in love would tell you to go be with other women.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I wouldn't say she isn't in love with me, because she has said this numerous time throughout our relationship. What i'm really worried about is that she might start to feel jealous, or that she might say "well i want to sleep with him".
HeartBrokeFool Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 If you proceed with this, have absolutley no doubt whatsoever in your mind that it WILL come back to her wanting you to allow her to sleep with other men. Don't fall into an obvious trap!
JustK Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Is it possible SHE is into girls and was hoping that this would be your solution? Because then that's a different set of questions.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 She hasn't shown any signs of being bi. She just say's that she wouldn't want me to be 40 and be like "you were my only girl". (That's what she says)
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) oyi...this is gonna get messy... DON'T do a 3some when you're in a couple!! Don't!! Most girls talk about how hot it is and all that - but then they can't handle the image of the person they love with another girl (who will most likely be attractive) - and then it will get stuck in their heads and it will cause issues. Furthermore, what if you end up paying more attention to this 3rd party girl - holy shyte!!!! - watch the **** out!! Believe me, I'm a girl, I know girls, and this will not work out. As for her offer to let you experiment because she's had more experience than you - I can kinda get that, but don't do it in front of her. If she's giving you a pass to go out and get some ass so that you can feel that you've tried what's out there, fine, just don't involve her, or do it in front of her. But honestly, I suggest that you don't fall for all this - she may mean well when its just talk, but when its a reality and not a fantasy, **** will hit the fan and it most likely will backfire. I do kind of understand where she's coming from, she's probably thinking "well if this R leads to marriage, I don't want him to one day wake up and start bitchin that he's never had any experiences and use that as an excuse for an affair or want an open relationship later when I may not in the place for it" - but still, if it aint broke... Edited November 29, 2011 by TigerCub
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Hi, Thanks, TigerCub. This is exactly what i was thinking about. I understand why she is saying this, but i also feel that she might start to feel jealous if i go ahead. Also to consider that i'm not cheating i would have to tell her who/when/what we did. Which could cause a huge amount of insecurity (if for example we do something she would never do). And as she say's my lack of experience doesn't at all affect my performance, she states over and over that i'm by far the best she ever had (the first time she had an O), she just stood still going wow so this is what it is. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Also people reading this might think we are uneducated slobs, but we are both in universities. I do RnD, and i have a patent. By nature (and from my job), my job is to research to understand and to explore. So she might be thinking "i rather he explores now" Edited November 29, 2011 by intuition
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Thanks, TigerCub. This is exactly what i was thinking about. I understand why she is saying this, but i also feel that she might start to feel jealous if i go ahead. Also to consider that i'm not cheating i would have to tell her who/when/what we did. Which could cause a huge amount of insecurity (if for example we do something she would never do). And as she say's my lack of experience doesn't at all affect my performance, she states over and over that i'm by far the best she ever had (the first time she had an O), she just stood still going wow so this is what it is. No, the way I see it, if she's giving you this free pass to have sex with someone, you should come up with certain rules like: the # of times you can do this, if its just a 1 time thing with one girl and that's all. if not, then specifics such as: - no repeat girls. - just sex, no emotional anything... - you have time limit to use this free pass - don't ask don't tell. - be safe, use condoms - not someone she knows - get tested after its done (to be sure) etc.. If I gave my bf such a pass, I wouldn't want to know how he met this girl, what she looks like, what they did. why would you have to report back with the details? that would just complicate it all, because then she'll still have the images in her mind, but this time they most likely will be better than they actually were - yeah imagination is sometimes a torture device But my honest advice to you is not to do this, you guys are young and she may not be able to handle it after its all said and done.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Ok thanks for all the warnings, and the details. I will take everything you said into consideration. I also think she would be able to handle it, since she'll sometimes contradict herself a little. Therefor i wouldn't want to ruin what we have together. I read up on it a little, and a lot of places said that you need rules, and that it could get complicated really fast.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Also if i choose to say no. How do you think i should approach it? I don't think saying "i don't think you'd be able to handle it" would be the correct approach . Keep in mind that we have already have had a long discussion about why we might do it. Thanks,
MikeT4 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 My wife is my only one and I'm well past 40. It doesn't bother me one bit, in fact I'm proud of it. If you love your gf, don't do it.
Author intuition Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Yes I've accepted this "mike", but now i do not know how to back track, because we have discussed about it. I think that she already started to plan how to approach a girl, and all that stuff. I can't just tell her "oh nvm"
reboot Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi, Yes I've accepted this "mike", but now i do not know how to back track, because we have discussed about it. I think that she already started to plan how to approach a girl, and all that stuff. I can't just tell her "oh nvm" How about "I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else" ?
drifter777 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 She hasn't shown any signs of being bi. She just say's that she wouldn't want me to be 40 and be like "you were my only girl". (That's what she says) Do you really think you would recognize the "signs" if she was keeping it a secret from you? She might be afraid you would be put off by her desire to have sex with other women and consider it "cheating" - because, in your current emotional contract, it is. For her to be so excited & sexually turned on by the very chance jumping in to bed with you and another girl is not "typical" for a heterosexual woman. I'm not saying it is not "normal" because there really is no "normal", but it could be a rather strong hint that she is bi-sexual or bi-curious. Are you cool with that? Would you be able to set boundaries on her satisfying her sexual needs with other women? Your whole story seems to be heading for some type of tit-for-tat (pun intended) arrangement such as "you can do other women IF I can do other women". As others have pointed out, since you are not married and there are no children involved I say go for it and see how it works. Many people on this forum have pointed out that the traditional attitude regarding cheating and fidelity doesn't necessarily mean restricting sex to your partner. They would define infidelity as breaking whatever agreed-to rules you and your partner set, such as who you can screw and the famous "no emotional involvement". Just because I could never live like this doesn't mean that you can't.
sadcalifornian Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 My feeling is either she has been extremely promiscuous before meeting you that she feels guilty for you, or she has been cheating on you time to time throughout your relationship, which also results in her guilt. Either way, she does not come across as a good marriage material. I sense that she is an attractive type, but are you sure this is the kind of girl you want to marry? You are young and you must admit that you are somewhat naive in this kind of matter. Take it from an old man like me. If she is not the right girl for you, it's better to walk away early than later.
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 How about "I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else" ? Hey Intuition, yeah I second the above as the best approach to turning her offer down. What more would she need??
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 My feeling is either she has been extremely promiscuous before meeting you that she feels guilty for you, or she has been cheating on you time to time throughout your relationship, which also results in her guilt. Either way, she does not come across as a good marriage material. I sense that she is an attractive type, but are you sure this is the kind of girl you want to marry? You are young and you must admit that you are somewhat naive in this kind of matter. Take it from an old man like me. If she is not the right girl for you, it's better to walk away early than later. Honestly, I don't know if that's definitely the case. Maybe she simply knows of the many married men that try to start affairs and their only excuse is "Oh, well, I got married really young and I never had any other experiences " blah blah. Maybe her offer actually stems from fear rather than guilt. What you're saying COULD be true, but I honestly don't think its the only possible reason.
Author intuition Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Hi, So we had a long and detailed conversation yesterday. She told me the 3some was an idea that just came to her, but after pondering about it she realized she didn't want to do it anymore (She wouldn't be able to touch the other girl since she isn't into that). Her parents have a little bit of a history. Her mom is sick and has been rendered to a wheel chair for a couple of years now, and her dad has been having an affair. She knew that my parents relationship was really weird (They didn't really show any emotions to each other). I told her that 10 or so years ago i suspected that both my parents had affairs, since my dad would leave for a couple of hours (not telling us where), and would sometimes come back with screws or something like that from home debot/rona/etc. This rose my suspecisions since it shouldn't take 3 hours to do that. I suspected that my mom had an affair with my dad's brother since she would sometimes go to his place for a weekend, or a whole week. Plus when he would come over they would spend the whole night talking. She told me that she doesn't want me to feel that i "wasted" my whole youth with her, mean while i could have explored and discover new things. She say's that i rather do it now then later on in the relationship (marriage, kids,etc). She said that it would be strictly for experience and that the only rule is "don't fall in love".
reboot Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hi, She said that it would be strictly for experience and that the only rule is "don't fall in love". It occurs to me that you actually believe this.
Author intuition Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Hi, That she wouldn't do anything in my back or that it would be hard not to fall for this other person?
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