2Confuseddd Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've been with my long distance boyfriend for a little over a year. 5 months ago he broke up with me because "neither of us were happy anymore and all we were doing was fighting, it was very unhealthy and it was over". When he broke up with me i was devastated. I have never felt that hurt in my whole life. I was depressed, angry, shocked, confused, lost. I didn't think I'd ever find someone like him and I didn't think I'd ever love or feel that way towards someone ever again. He would contact me every so often within those 5 months to see how I was doing, and it was always the same thing. It hurt me. I just wanted him to leave me alone. The last time he contacted me I had had enough, I told him I was fed up with him coming in and out of my life whenever he pleased and all it was doing was continuing to hurt me. He said I wouldn't hear from him again and that was that. I didn't think I would. After that I made it my goal to focus on myself and my life. I knew I'd always love him but I needed to move on. Some nights were better than others. There were days I couldn't take it, and days I thought "it's fine. i'm fine. in 10 years i'll look back and laugh." but mostly I was starting to feel pretty content with being without him. The break up has definitely taught me a lot. It's made me feel very confident and happy with myself and my life. A few weeks ago he messaged me again. He said he missed tallking to me and he wanted to be friends. I was content, I didn't feel hurt this time. We started talking a lot and that resulted in him pouring his heart out to me. He told me that he was so sorry for leaving me, that he'd never do it again. He said he felt like such an idiot for breaking up with me. He said he was miserable because not only did he lose his best friend.. but he lost the love of his life.. his future, his everything. He said he didn't want anyone else and that he loved me too much to ever let me go again. That he'd work at the relationship no matter what. Anything I wanted, he'd give to me. I told him I loved him but I needed to think about things. And I did, I thought about everything. I weighed the pros and cons constantly and I would always come back to the same decision. So I felt like I made up my mind.. I'd rather try again and have it fail then not try and wonder what could have happened later on down the road. We got back together and it's been about two weeks or so. I told myself that i would never let it get as bad as it was before. I'd continue living my life, and stay happy, confident and positive no matter what happens. I'd do my absolute best to try and make our relationship the best it could possibly be this time around. But, I guess that's way easier said than done. I've been feeling very resentful and angry and upset towards him, already. I feel like he doesn't care. I feel like he's very apathetic and indifferent. Some of the things he does or DOESN'T do, makes me very upset and I just can't help but take it out on him. I always try talking things out, but it seems like it never ever gets through to him. He can say all he wants if we're talking things out, but the second we're done talking, it goes right back to how it was before we had the talk. Like a boomerang. I try so hard to go with a different approach but I always end up doing what I've always done and it makes me hate myself! It makes me feel so horrible, because I just want to go back to being that loving, encouraging, positive, funny, sweetheart I used to be to him. Back to who I really am, back to what he fell in love with. I'm just very confused because I don't know what to believe or do. I don't know if his feelings are true and genuine. I don't know if he really honestly loves me and means what he's been saying and it's been driving me crazy. I feel like he isn't trying to make this work at all. I feel like I'm doing all the work, or neither of us are doing any work. It's been very different since we got back together. I feel like I'm the very last of his priorities. I feel like I'm at the very bottom, and this has NEVER happened before. i was always number 1 to him before we broke up. I get it if he's busy, but even if he was busy before, he would ALWAYS make time for me. I try to talk to him but I feel like there's no point, because what I say doesn't seem to matter, ever. I don't know what I should do. I can't even really explain it but I know that I love him and that I want to make this work, or try, more than anything but I just feel so.. I don't even know, I feel, nervous and anxious and like something's not right. Sometimes I feel like maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. That what i think he's doing is far from the truth and that maybe what he says is true and that he really does love me and care and he abslutely means everything he says. But at the same time I wonder if it's the other way around. I don't know, I really don't. I don't know what it is I'm feeling, and I don't know how to explain it, but I know it doesn't feel right. I love him so much and I don't want to just let go without really trying first but I don't feel like he's on the same page. I feel like we're on two completely different levels. I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do? Or how can we both make this relationship work? Any advice at all would be helpful. Thank You!
Ariadne Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Dear confused, It's very typical for guys to break up with a girl and then regret it and think it was the worst mistake. I think he is being genuine, but I also get the impression that you were a little traumatized by what happened. So it seems like you want to be more in control now and want him to act in a certain way, and are less tolerant of a lot of things. I think you need to calm down, have some patience, and see what happens. Best of luck and much love. Congrats on getting back together.
R32 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I feel like you guys got back together without resolving any of the previous issues. From what I gather, he's apologized for leaving you etc. However, you guys still haven't found a solution to the main reason why the relationship fell apart. Or how you can make it different this time around. I think you guys can make it work if you take the necessary steps. Right now you're jumping back into it blind.
othersideofthepillow Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Congrats on getting back together. Man do I wish I had the same experience and my ex gf come back to me saying she wanted to try again. It's like the other posters said, you NEED TO RELAX...you just got back together. Of course it wont be the same anymore. The old relationship is dead and over. So leave it there. FOCUS on the NEW one and go from there, Its also like R32 said, it doesn't seem like you guys have worked out the issues that led to the original split. That is something that you need to work on and have fixed as soon as possible. I think that there is definitely a chance that you two will work again but you have to be patient and make sure the old situations are taken care of. You already got one of the hardest parts out of the way, getting him to come back and try again, so just work on the other issues and you will be more than ok!
citrusdrop1688 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 It can only work if both of you are really doing everything in your power to make sure you dont fall into the same interactions you had before. If hes not in it, it wont work. If you keep reverting back to old behavior, it wont work. Maybe forever, maybe just for now. It sucks, I know. They say if two people are head over heels in love and are willing to move heaven and earth they have a 50% chance.
leoc1973 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Hey have you thought of just not trying so hard? You ever hear people who are so absolutely in love say its just natural. Lots of people say relationships are a lot of work but(maybe just in my opinion) I don't think they should be. I think you are trying to force some kind of magical love that is in storybooks when you should be just enjoying each other. My ex and I were together for 6 years. the first 5.5 were just perfect we were so in love. The biggest decision she had was weather she wanted her feet or her back rubbed. Then she had to try to fix everything. I mean stuff that wasn't even broken. We would fight over the fact that I didn't care what we ate for dinner. She would say stuff like I couldn't make any decisions. I really just didn't care but somehow her and her friends broke me down into this horrible guy. Seriously tho just try to enjoy each other don't worry about anything else right now!
Author 2Confuseddd Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Thank you all for the advice, I've thought about it and am definitely taking it. But I still feel like something's very off. We had a talk last night and I asked him if he still felt the same way about me, like how he did before we broke up when things were good and he didn't answer, he just danced around the question. And when I told him I felt like it seemed like his feelings changed and that things didn't fee right all he said was "I'm sorry". Which is not like him, he would have reassured me. Its like his feelings have changed and he doesn't love me like he did before, like he's not sure about me like he was before. What could this mean? I just wonder if this is really worth fixing.. I want to fix it and be with him, but I don't really feel like he does.
Rorschach64 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 As much as I love advocating working on relationships, communication and all that fun stuff this...this...seems like he is going to bail on you but doesn't have the courage just yet to do it since he hasn't internally dealt with the impending second break up yet. I think it would be best to pop smoke on this and break up with him or at the very least tell him to go sort his emotions out to figure out what the hell he is doing.
Baerkuda Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Coming from the side of the fence that he is in It just doesnt sound like he gets it yet. He needs to open up he needs to through that ego aside and tell you what he is feeling. I meesed up and am fighting with everything I have to be able to get the chance that he has. I hate to see him waste a chance that is really important but from the sounds of things he doesnt realize it yet. Just my opinion but once you calm down alittle make sure you keep calm then have a talk with him try not a let that anger should be calm but be real with him maybe that will help him open up to you alittle better but like I said jst an opinion. That and pray alot its been helping me get through this
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