reallypo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) My ex cheated on his ex for me (found out 2 years later after our relationship). Felt played myself because how can he cheat on her and not cheat on me too. But we were in too deep, I loved him, stayed with him, but questioned the type of person he was. Anyways, he cheated on me, almost same situation as his ex. I just want to know, is he considered a serial cheater? To cheat on 2 long term relationships? Will he do this again? I think he s sick. I'm lucky this happened now (being not married and all). But do u think this is who he is? His character? I'm a decent person, educated, not bad looking, outgoing, nice but not a pushover, I'm confident...but not cocky. From what I hear of his ex, she sounded like a good person too, and quite pretty. But now he cheated on me with someone who had a history of cheating on her husband. And no offense, she s really unattractive. And he told me (along time ago) she was a pushover, kinda a loser). But yet he left me for her? But was it me? Or is it him? Do guys like him have real problems or it just so happen I wasn't "good" enough for him? Edited November 29, 2011 by reallypo
Damia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 This is the million dollar question! IMO yes cheaters who get away with it unscathed will cheat again. It seems to me a lot of them manage to make it out the other side with few scars and very little remorse.so why give up something that works out ok for them! Please don't think "it was you" cheaters are always only thinking about them selves and as others on LS have pointed out they more often than not ,trade DOWN!as you have just observed My ex did the same she is a "bush pig"makes me grin every time I see them
Ariadne Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 But was it me? Or is it him? Do guys like him have real problems or it just so happen I wasn't "good" enough for him? Hey, You are fine, don't think those things. Sounds like the guy likes variety and to jump from one relationship to another. And some people like to have someone to go to before they break up, so he doesn't have any single time in between partners. Maybe eventually he'll slow down but may always be a woman's man.
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 If he is a serial cheater he will not stop until he gets help. How do I know this? I was a serial cheater. I did not stop till I faced my demons, decieded I wanted to stop and just grew up. There is a cycle pattern that a serial cheater falls in and if the cycle is not broken it will happen again. The demons are the base of why he / she cheats. The last part of just growing up is what is. Most make the resolve that I dont want to cheat anymore and mean it and not just saying it because you got caught.
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 In my opinion they never TRULY change. They may stop cheating because they fear what they will lose. But I don't believe the desire to screw other people goes away. And I bet that if the circumstances are right, like a one night stand where the spouse will NEVER find out, I believe they will cheat again.
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well, that's 99% of the healthy male population. Despite that, an adult understands responsibility and weighs consequences of actions. I've never 'fooled around' on a partner. Only a few guys I've know over the years have fooled around. Those guys who do are never going to change despite what they say or whatever fake image they put forth for their partner. If you want to stay with a cheater then weigh the pros and cons. Take the deception out of the closet. An honest assessment might not be as horrific as imagined. If his other activities are no longer seen as 'cheating' then perhaps it's a lifestyle that some couples can accept. 'Pretending' your cheater is not going to cheat again given the opportunity is just self-deception. Really? I have changed. I have been in the spot where I could cheat and no one would know and did not do it. Anyone can do anything they want if the have the will to change. I have change. I am a better husband and abetter father since the change. The belief that once a cheater always a cheater is so they can sell more self help books and sex additions books. You read those things and they give you written permission to go out and cheat because they believe it is not your fault. I was my fault for cheating. As soon as more guy and gals stop blaming others for the down falls the better we would all be. I completey disagree with your statement.
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Baloney. Your nose is growing. Well lets all just bow down to the all knowing Yukon. Glad you know everything about my life and everyone else's. They should rename the site to Yukon the all knowing. I dont know who hurt you and what you have been through just like you dont know me. People can change. I have seen it in myself and in others. So according to you no one can change. No need for this site anymore. Some one cheats they are a cheater and will always be one. Case closed get a divorce and drop them like a hot rock. Yukon has spoken......
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Cheaters/philanderers change if and when they want to. IMO, once a pattern is established, generally early in life, it will take a major life altering experience to invite change. Anything is possible. OP, his infidelity was and is entirely his choice and his responsibility. EOS.
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well, that's 99% of the healthy male population. No, the desire to actually want to do it, and would if they figured there was absolutely NO WAY their sig other would find out. Like a one night stand 1000 miles away.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Really? I have changed. I have been in the spot where I could cheat and no one would know and did not do it. Anyone can do anything they want if the have the will to change. I have change. I am a better husband and abetter father since the change. The belief that once a cheater always a cheater is so they can sell more self help books and sex additions books. You read those things and they give you written permission to go out and cheat because they believe it is not your fault. I was my fault for cheating. As soon as more guy and gals stop blaming others for the down falls the better we would all be. I completey disagree with your statement. I agree. I've experienced personal transformation, too. It humbles me enough to know personal transformation is possible for anyone. Change is difficult, though. Self awareness requires rigorous self honesty. Not everyone is capable of that or even interested in that. Those who are can still be blindsided. Self honesty usually leads to taking responsibility for our actions. Einstein said that the level of consciousness that creates the problem cannot fix the problem. IMO, this is why a cheater usually has to have the support of an outside system --- a religion, therapist, 12 step program -- over a long period of time to achieve sustained change.
Ariadne Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Phrase I saw in FB today: I'm more faithful than the musicians of the Titanic.
Lurkers1983 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well lets all just bow down to the all knowing Yukon. Glad you know everything about my life and everyone else's. They should rename the site to Yukon the all knowing. I dont know who hurt you and what you have been through just like you dont know me. People can change. I have seen it in myself and in others. So according to you no one can change. No need for this site anymore. Some one cheats they are a cheater and will always be one. Case closed get a divorce and drop them like a hot rock. Yukon has spoken...... He said his wife died awhile ,so maybe he's still upset about that. You can tell how much pain someone is by what someone says. I'm not trying to be rude, but I think I can understand why he acts the way he does.
michelangelo Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Einstein said that the level of consciousness that creates the problem cannot fix the problem. Maybe that's why he cheated on his wife for so long.
Athena Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 But was it me? Or is it him? Do guys like him have real problems or it just so happen I wasn't "good" enough for him? What did the ex girlfriend and you have in common? -- you both had HIM in common, so it looks like HE is the problem, not her and not you. Yes, he is a serial cheater. Of course he left you for her, just like he left his previous g/f for you -- the reason being that he is incapable of Commitment so he moves on -- in the easiest manner for him, which is with a Replacement Woman. It's a real problem, yes.
Author reallypo Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Wow, thanks everyone for all the responses. A lot of what has been said is what i thought...just needed some reassurance...that im not the problem and that he is a serial cheater. He truly made me feel special til the end and thats what s so scary about a true liar. He supposedly wanted to marry his ex...but cheated. I think he doesnt know who he is and those type of men will prob continue to cheat. As for a cheater to change his ways, some of you made good points. But i came to my final opinion that a cheater wont change until his sexual drive is zero...which means u wont know if a cheater truly changes til he s like 79 years old! Just because temptation isnt there *yet* can someone say they ve changed. If someone throws themselves at u and u turned them down doesnt make u a changed man/woman. That person wasnt tempting enough thats all. Cheated once...maybe they ll change. Cheated twice....thats who they are now. Sorry in advance if grammar, spelling is off...hard to type on phone
Mr_Confused Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 It's a question without an answer. Do all cheaters cheat again - no. Do all cheaters quit cheating - no. What matters is will you significant other cheat again? Only you can assess the reasons he cheated, his motives, the degree- if any - remorse he feels, what 'integrity" means to him, what is the content of his overall character. What have been the consequences of his actions and would they detour him from repeating them - internally and externally. I'm not inclined to think he will change based on what little I have read here.
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