Janesays Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 We could discuss this until the cows come home but the important point is that TigressA has said she is 'frightened' of her boyfriend. No woman should EVER stay with a man who scares her! She has also said she just wants a few days to 'sort out her feelings.' Either you're scared or you're not. If a little begging makes it alllll better, I'm going to have a really hard time taking these 'I'm scared!' posts seriously.
KindMan Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 She is not scared of her BF, if she was, she would break up with him ASAP. or at least tell him, that he is scarring her. OP is an ugly girl with cold sores, she is an emotional cripple and insecure ball of shame.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 She has also said she just wants a few days to 'sort out her feelings.' Either you're scared or you're not. If a little begging makes it alllll better, I'm going to have a really hard time taking these 'I'm scared!' posts seriously. I don't see how I can't feel other things while feeling scared. I don't see how I can't be questioning things. Is that not allowed? I love him. I recognize that there are risks going both ways, whether I leave for good or stay. There's a chance if I stay things could escalate and I could be more seriously hurt. There's a chance they may not, that this was just a one-off. I keep going over everything in my head...and there's really nothing to justify what he had done.
xxoo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 This back and forth of pulling away from a kiss....little "meow" poke....sounds like normal couple play to me. Grabbing your arm to the point of pain is a HUGE overreaction. And creepy. How much are you willing to change to be with this guy?
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 This back and forth of pulling away from a kiss....little "meow" poke....sounds like normal couple play to me. Grabbing your arm to the point of pain is a HUGE overreaction. And creepy. How much are you willing to change to be with this guy? That's pretty much my point. Lately he had started saying the meowing annoyed him, so I have been trying to stop. Since he started asking me to stop, there were a few times I did it without thinking, a few times I did do it to pester him. But before last night when I did it, he would just ignore me. The equally creepy thing is that he said he didn't grab my arm that hard, and that since it wasn't 'still hurting' then I am overreacting. I told him it doesn't matter how hard he thinks he grabbed my arm--the fact that it hurt me and I clearly told him so should have been enough to make him stop the first time I said it. But I had to say it three times, and raise my voice to the point that I was yelling, to get him to stop. From the way he acted last night he didn't think he did anything wrong at all.
dasein Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Not going to get into the meowing and grabbing, hurts my brain. The relationship is over. Both of you are showing signs of disdain of each other, and this trend does not reverse. It is much different than a simple argument or disagreement about something. Start making plans to move out if you are living in his place. Would go ahead and break up also. IMO it is likely that he is preparing to break up with you, though this process could drag out for some time. For more on disdain and relationships google "Gottman, Univ of Washington, SPAFF."
azsinglegal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'd grab someone's arm and hold them too if they kept "meowing" at me after I'd repeatedly asked them to stop. You hit his patience level. Either both of you need to apologize and make up or move on IMO. Just reading you do that is annoying.
phineas Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think tigress is more invested than he is. I get the feeling from her past posts that she is pushing for more in the relationship than he is prepared to give & it's getting on his nerves. On the grabbing, i've never laid hands on a woman reguardless of how pissed she made me so all I can say is if you feel you are truely in danger, it's a no-brainer. Get out. Period.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I'd grab someone's arm and hold them too if they kept "meowing" at me after I'd repeatedly asked them to stop. You hit his patience level. Either both of you need to apologize and make up or move on IMO. Just reading you do that is annoying. I only did it one time when he grabbed my arm and didn't let go. One. Time. I didn't 'keep' doing it, he didn't 'repeatedly' ask me to stop during this one particular incident. There were a few other incidents in recent days when I meowed, but not even in reasonable proximity to when it happened last night, so it wasn't like he had even the slightest reason to grab my arm the way he did. I wasn't buzzing around his head pestering him with it, I wasn't distracting him from anything important. The few other times I did it he just ignored me or asked me to stop, and I did. He could've done either of those things. He didn't. He decided to use force instead, justify it, and coldly accuse me of overreacting when I told him it hurt and I was scared and angry.
2sure Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I do not believe that physical aggressiveness is ever a correct response in a relationship. That being said: My exH used to be verbally annoying with a particular habit that he had. On the surface & to others, it seemed harmless and even funny. However, at home it became so annoying that it would create tension, frustration, and anger ...especially when it continued after being discussed. He knew it bothered me and would do it whenever he wanted to push my buttons, when he was bored, whatever. It was passive aggressive and it was not freaking normal or healthy. I hated even more that he would hide behide the harmlessness of it when I would finally reach the point of being really upset about it. There is just no reason for it.
azsinglegal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Earlier, BF and I were as we usually are. It was just about bedtime and I leaned in to kiss him goodnight; he playfully pulled away. When he did I made a meowing sound, like a cat, which I'm in the habit of doing sometimes just to be silly. He then grabbed my arm, rather forcefully, and didn't let go until I told him three times, and very loudly, to stop and let me go because he was hurting me. After I made no bones about how much that bothered/scared me, he concluded I was overreacting, dismissed it, and went to sleep. I went to the lobby of our building to read for awhile. Backstory: Over the last few days BF said my 'meowing' was starting to get annoying and he had asked me to stop. The first time he grabbed my arm, which was a few days ago, I told him to not do that as it caused me physical pain and it seemed really authoritative--it was like how a cop would escort a suspect or something. After he resisted my kiss earlier, I meowed--once. He then grabbed my arm, and he didn't let me go until I repeated, three times, that it hurt and to let me go. He asserted that I caused him 'mental pain' by doing something that annoyed him. He felt this was more than enough justification to do something that caused me physical pain, and refuse to let go until I had to repeatedly tell him to do so. He asked me if it still hurt and I said, "No, but that isn't the point--the point is, you should have let me go when I asked you to the first time, but I had to say it THREE TIMES before you did. I don't know how what I did even compares to what you just did." I'm not sure what to think. I'm pretty freaked out at this point. The fact that I had to repeatedly ask him to let me go, and then his just completely dismissing my feelings on the matter and categorizing it as 'overreaction' says a lot, and none of it is good. I only did it one time when he grabbed my arm and didn't let go. One. Time. I didn't 'keep' doing it, he didn't 'repeatedly' ask me to stop during this one particular incident. There were a few other incidents in recent days when I meowed, but not even in reasonable proximity to when it happened last night, so it wasn't like he had even the slightest reason to grab my arm the way he did. I wasn't buzzing around his head pestering him with it, I wasn't distracting him from anything important. The few other times I did it he just ignored me or asked me to stop, and I did. He could've done either of those things. He didn't. He decided to use force instead, justify it, and coldly accuse me of overreacting when I told him it hurt and I was scared and angry. In your original post you said you've done it to where he said it annoys him and he's asked you to stop so he grabbed your arm. Now you said you did it once. Either way: 1) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 2) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 3) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 'nuff said. It's interesting that what you find "silly" he finds "annoying". Probably not the best match up of sense of humors, IMO. Maybe you're just mismatched?
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think your fear is valid. How do you propose to resolve this? What do you want? As a background question, since I haven't kept up with your dynamic, why would a man whom is cohabiting with you in a supposed romantic relationship pull away when you kiss him? As a man, that has me nonplussed.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 In your original post you said you've done it to where he said it annoys him and he's asked you to stop so he grabbed your arm. Now you said you did it once. Either way: 1) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 2) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 3) If a guy lays his hands on me in any way that hurts me we are done 'nuff said. It's interesting that what you find "silly" he finds "annoying". Probably not the best match up of sense of humors, IMO. Maybe you're just mismatched? He had started saying it annoyed him in recent days. As I said in a previous post, after that there were a few occasions when it did happen, some without thinking, some deliberately. When those incidents occurred, again, he either ignored me or asked me to stop, and I did. Where we're crossing wires: Last night when he grabbed my arm, I had made that meowing sound ONCE. That is what I meant. When he grabbed my arm last night, I hadn't been meowing over and over again, or really loudly, etc. I had made the sound literally one time, and that for whatever reason was enough to make him use physical force whereas before, he would either just ignore me or tell me to stop. I hope that clears things up.
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Regarding my background question: I'm asking the last question from the 'sanctity of the bedroom' perspective. If you and he had discussed and enacted 'sex play' rules which included this, his pull-away would have been part of that play, and he would accept your response as similar play, unless the 'meow' had been excluded by agreement. In that vein, can I ask what the 'meow' signifies? For example, are you acting as a cat yourself, or are you perhaps communicating to him that he's being 'bitchy'. Understanding the nuances is key, IMO.
Emilia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 He had started saying it annoyed him in recent days. As I said in a previous post, after that there were a few occasions when it did happen, some without thinking, some deliberately. When those incidents occurred, again, he either ignored me or asked me to stop, and I did. Where we're crossing wires: Last night when he grabbed my arm, I had made that meowing sound ONCE. That is what I meant. When he grabbed my arm last night, I hadn't been meowing over and over again, or really loudly, etc. I had made the sound literally one time, and that for whatever reason was enough to make him use physical force whereas before, he would either just ignore me or tell me to stop. I hope that clears things up. You repeatedly crossed his boundaries ignoring his request to stop. Carhill made a good point about the avoidance of the kiss too. I think you just annoy your boyfriend too much in general and he has had enough. Maybe he isn't chucking you out because he is worried about your finances. Maybe he is hoping that you will just leave.
xxoo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 It's interesting that what you find "silly" he finds "annoying". Probably not the best match up of sense of humors, IMO. Maybe you're just mismatched? I had the same thought.... I'm playful and silly with my love. If he took that to be annoying, rather than endearing, we'd be in trouble!
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I think your fear is valid. How do you propose to resolve this? What do you want? As a background question, since I haven't kept up with your dynamic, why would a man whom is cohabiting with you in a supposed romantic relationship pull away when you kiss him? As a man, that has me nonplussed. He was just playing around--we both do that a lot. When I meow it's done with the intention of acting like a cat, not implying cattiness on his part. Sometimes I even do that little headbutt/rubbing thing that cats do, when we're cuddling. Yeah, it's silly. But it's a 'thing' I do, I did it pretty much ever since we started dating, and he was only very recently (like less than a week ago) starting to become annoyed with it. Before he started being annoyed by it, sometimes he would actually try to 'translate' and figure out what I was trying to 'say' through the sounds I made. It was a silly/cute thing that for whatever reason he has become annoyed with.
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hmmm.... Sounds like a disconnect to me. Another background question: When you learned of his annoyance, did he specifically say that this behavior has *always* been annoying to him or was his statement more general to the moment, meaning current time, without any expansion? What I'm trying to delineate is whether this is 'getting real' versus him being in the process of 'disconnecting' or having 'disconnected' from you.
Els Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'd grab someone's arm and hold them too if they kept "meowing" at me after I'd repeatedly asked them to stop. You hit his patience level. Either both of you need to apologize and make up or move on IMO. Just reading you do that is annoying. You would grab your SO's arm and not let go when they tell you it hurts? Uh, I think you need to be doing some introspection into why you would do that. It is most certainly not a good or mature response to an annoyance. He was just playing around--we both do that a lot. When I meow it's done with the intention of acting like a cat, not implying cattiness on his part. Sometimes I even do that little headbutt/rubbing thing that cats do, when we're cuddling. Yeah, it's silly. But it's a 'thing' I do, I did it pretty much ever since we started dating, and he was only very recently (like less than a week ago) starting to become annoyed with it. Before he started being annoyed by it, sometimes he would actually try to 'translate' and figure out what I was trying to 'say' through the sounds I made. It was a silly/cute thing that for whatever reason he has become annoyed with. I think it's part and parcel of transitioning out of honeymoon phase, that some initially endearing habits of one's partner becomes annoying. It happens to the best of us. If both people are committed to making it work and are mostly compatible, they usually learn to work around it. Otherwise, that is where most relationships begin to crack. I really do not think you should have continued to do it deliberately when he told you he didn't like it. But that is a moot point - most of us agree that your fears are valid. As carhill asked, how do you propose to resolve this?
azsinglegal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 You repeatedly crossed his boundaries ignoring his request to stop. Carhill made a good point about the avoidance of the kiss too. I think you just annoy your boyfriend too much in general and he has had enough. Maybe he isn't chucking you out because he is worried about your finances. Maybe he is hoping that you will just leave. I agree. Once you become annoying - he's done. To him he's tolerating you. He's probably going to continue to push you away until you get the hint and just leave.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hmmm.... Sounds like a disconnect to me. Another background question: When you learned of his annoyance, did he specifically say that this behavior has *always* been annoying to him or was his statement more general to the moment, meaning current time, without any expansion? What I'm trying to delineate is whether this is 'getting real' versus him being in the process of 'disconnecting' or having 'disconnected' from you. It was definitely more general to the moment. I don't know what I really want to do to resolve this. I don't really know what I should do. I hopefully will have other sleeping arrangements tonight--I called my coworker about crashing at her place but she said she has to check with her fiance first (they live together). If that's a no-go then I pretty much have to go home, as I don't have other options.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'd grab someone's arm and hold them too if they kept "meowing" at me after I'd repeatedly asked them to stop. You hit his patience level. Either both of you need to apologize and make up or move on IMO. Just reading you do that is annoying. Wow seriously? LOL Why not just leave? And then go collect yourself and come back and discuss your concerns --- and if they are not heeded, and it REALLY bothers you, leave indefinitely ___________________________________________ tigress --- I hope you're able to work through this one way or the other. While it was likely disrespectful of you to do something that you already knew irritated him, his reaction was over the top... there were better ways to handle it... and if he doesn't even think so, that's concerning. I didn't read through every single post, but if you want to resolve this, perhaps be the one that comes first with an apology and see if he's more open to showing remorse himself ---------- or if he responds more like, "That's right, you better be!" --- I think an answer or two could lie in his own reaction there heh.
xxoo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think it's part and parcel of transitioning out of honeymoon phase, that some initially endearing habits of one's partner becomes annoying. It happens to the best of us. If both people are committed to making it work and are mostly compatible, they usually learn to work around it. Otherwise, that is where most relationships begin to crack. All true, but how he handled the situation is very telling. Grabbing your arm until it hurts, for such a small offense, is a red flag.
azsinglegal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Wow seriously? LOL Why not just leave? And then go collect yourself and come back and discuss your concerns --- and if they are not heeded, and it REALLY bothers you, leave indefinitely ___________________________________________ I just have this image of something I'd do to my niece if she kept meowing at me...but not in a "mean way" or to hurt her, but in a "mom way" cut that out...does that make sense? LOL
Els Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 All true, but how he handled the situation is very telling. Grabbing your arm until it hurts, for such a small offense, is a red flag. I agree completely.
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