tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Earlier, BF and I were as we usually are. It was just about bedtime and I leaned in to kiss him goodnight; he playfully pulled away. When he did I made a meowing sound, like a cat, which I'm in the habit of doing sometimes just to be silly. He then grabbed my arm, rather forcefully, and didn't let go until I told him three times, and very loudly, to stop and let me go because he was hurting me. After I made no bones about how much that bothered/scared me, he concluded I was overreacting, dismissed it, and went to sleep. I went to the lobby of our building to read for awhile. Backstory: Over the last few days BF said my 'meowing' was starting to get annoying and he had asked me to stop. The first time he grabbed my arm, which was a few days ago, I told him to not do that as it caused me physical pain and it seemed really authoritative--it was like how a cop would escort a suspect or something. After he resisted my kiss earlier, I meowed--once. He then grabbed my arm, and he didn't let me go until I repeated, three times, that it hurt and to let me go. He asserted that I caused him 'mental pain' by doing something that annoyed him. He felt this was more than enough justification to do something that caused me physical pain, and refuse to let go until I had to repeatedly tell him to do so. He asked me if it still hurt and I said, "No, but that isn't the point--the point is, you should have let me go when I asked you to the first time, but I had to say it THREE TIMES before you did. I don't know how what I did even compares to what you just did." I'm not sure what to think. I'm pretty freaked out at this point. The fact that I had to repeatedly ask him to let me go, and then his just completely dismissing my feelings on the matter and categorizing it as 'overreaction' says a lot, and none of it is good.
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Dump him. This guy is abusive and it's only a matter of time before he hits you, beats you up. The signs are already there. Don't let how you feel about him cloud your judgement. I am telling you, please, as soon as you can, end it. Let your friends and family know what is going on.. Just protect yourself. And don't be afraid to call 911 if need be.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Dump him. This guy is abusive and it's only a matter of time before he hits you, beats you up. The signs are already there. Don't let how you feel about him cloud your judgement. I am telling you, please, as soon as you can, end it. Let your friends and family know what is going on.. Just protect yourself. And don't be afraid to call 911 if need be. I'm going to go into work tomorrow and talk to my supervisor. I'll ask one of my friends at work if I can stay with her for a few days while I sort things out. I already called my brother and told him what happened...I told him not to tell our father as I don't want to involve him just yet. If my dad finds out he would kill him. It's a little difficult because I don't have a strong support system here, but I'll manage. I'll see what all can be done. I admit I have been running everything over in my mind trying to see where there could have been a misunderstanding...but the way he was so dismissive and cold about my concerns/fears was so clear. It came really close to saying more than the arm grab itself did. I didn't mince my words when I told him it scared and angered me, and he didn't even give it a second thought. He said "Whatever" and went to sleep. I'm in the apartment but I don't even want to be in that bed. I'm staying on the couch. I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight. I am frightened, and very upset. I am in tears. I just feel like it's all come apart. I really thought this was it...I'm really sad. Edited November 29, 2011 by tigressA
sugarmomma Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Has there been a pattern of being mean or disrespectful towards one another? Sometimes when certain boundaries are crossed it becomes easier to be physically aggressive toward a partner. I'm really conscious of respect levels verbally and physically in relationships. I try to be considerate and fairly kind to my partner because I've noticed in relationships where we were mean/nasty towards each other those have lead to disrespect. I've even had a bf who playfully grabbed me by my clothes and I had to let him know that made me uncomfortable. He got a little defensive and maybe thought I was over reacting but I didn't want to set a precedence that grabbing me in any way was acceptable. Watch your boundaries.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Has there been a pattern of being mean or disrespectful towards one another? Sometimes when certain boundaries are crossed it becomes easier to be physically aggressive toward a partner. I'm really conscious of respect levels verbally and physically in relationships. I try to be considerate and fairly kind to my partner because I've noticed in relationships where we were mean/nasty towards each other those have lead to disrespect. I've even had a bf who playfully grabbed me by my clothes and I had to let him know that made me uncomfortable. He got a little defensive and maybe thought I was over reacting but I didn't want to set a precedence that grabbing me in any way was acceptable. Watch your boundaries. This is what I was thinking about. We have bickered with each other a lot, but I always, always had no problem letting him know in no uncertain terms just what offended/upset me. There have always been boundaries in place with regard to this sort of behavior. I had told him previously I didn't like that particular way he grabbed my arm as it hurt and seemed excessively physically controlling. He woke up a couple times and tried to talk to me. I've been ignoring him. I don't really know what to say. I am still feeling scared of him.
sugarmomma Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 So my question would be when you have confronted him about crossing boundaries, does he come off as defensive or open to feedback? If he gets defensive, that is not a good thing since it says that he doesn't want to hear about his screw-ups. If you don't feel safe it may be best that you leave. He knows that he did wrong but that doesn't necessarily mean that he won't do it again. Usually when we forgive physical aggression it just gets worse if the abuser hasn't learned to cope or work through his own strong emotions. Protect yourself. It may be time to shut the door on this situation.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I had told him previously I didn't like that particular way he grabbed my arm... And he'd previously told you he found your meowing annoying and asked you to stop. You didn't stop. He didn't either. You often seem to do this whole thing where you complain about his behavior when you're in the wrong too, but you weigh his wrong versus yours. You also seem to purposefully seek out his triggers. I'm not saying what he did is okay, because it's not. But you seem to consciously seek out drama and avoid responsibility for your part. You've been looking for reasons to end it. Why not just use this?
Appleanche Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 And he'd previously told you he found your meowing annoying and asked you to stop. You didn't stop. He didn't either. You often seem to do this whole thing where you complain about his behavior when you're in the wrong too, but you weigh his wrong versus yours. You also seem to purposefully seek out his triggers. I'm not saying what he did is okay, because it's not. But you seem to consciously seek out drama and avoid responsibility for your part. You've been looking for reasons to end it. Why not just use this? This. Why did you meow again when he made it pretty clear he doesn't like it anymore? Maybe he thought you were doing it intentionally to annoy him, not to say that his arm-grabbing was ok. If he comes out to try to talk to you then maybe you should talk to him rather than ignore him... you can only do that for so long anyway and if you're not going to leave for the night then maybe talking will make you feel better. If you fear he has the potential to be violent based on what you've experienced then you should formulate a plan to safely leave him.
Jynxx Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Appleanche and Star Gazer, you guys are ****ing idiots. Being annoyed by someone doesn't give you the right to use violence against that person. Can you imagine what the world would look like if it did?
Andy_K Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 No, they're not. They aren't excusing him, but simply saying she should take responsibility for her part in things. Responsibility is not the same as blame or fault, which lies with him. But it exists nonetheless.
Emilia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Backstory: Over the last few days BF said my 'meowing' was starting to get annoying and he had asked me to stop. He asserted that I caused him 'mental pain' by doing something that annoyed him. How many times did he ask you to stop in the past? I bet it was several. He was wrong to cause you discomfort but you were equally wrong for winding him up on purpose. He didn't know how else to stop you since you weren't paying attention to reasoning. Take responsibility for your actions and don't hide behind your brother and father.
Trimmer Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Appleanche and Star Gazer, you guys are ****ing idiots. Being annoyed by someone doesn't give you the right to use violence against that person. Can you imagine what the world would look like if it did? Then count me in with the idiots. Neither of them is doing what you claim - justifying his actions. Go read again; they both acknowledged that he was wrong, with no qualifications, and both suggested she should consider leaving him. And I join them in questioning a dynamic in which a partner KNOWS that something is annoying to the other, and then clearly continues to do it. I'm not going to get into trying to weigh which one is worse, but even if you do, his big transgression does not excuse her smaller one. I think she should probably leave the relationshipo, as his actions were unacceptable, and now that she has had this view inside him, she should consider whether this is a relationship she should stay in. But then she should look at herself and ask: "why am I inclined to poke the bear?" What does that tell her about herself? Edited November 29, 2011 by Trimmer
LittleTiger Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Then count me in with the idiots. Neither of them is doing what you claim - justifying his actions. Go read again; they both acknowledged that he was wrong, with no qualifications, and both suggested she should consider leaving him. And I join them in questioning a dynamic in which a partner KNOWS that something is annoying to the other, and then clearly continues to do it. I'm not going to get into trying to weigh which one is worse, but even if you do, his big transgression does not excuse her smaller one. I think she should probably leave the relationshipo, as his actions were unacceptable, and now that she has had this view inside him, she should consider whether this is a relationship she should stay in. But then she should look at herself and ask: "why am I inclined to poke the bear?" What does that tell her about herself? This! It doesn't sound as though either of them respects the others feelings. If you're scared Tigressa, you should leave - no question!
Els Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Ehhh, WWIU, I wouldn't go so far as to call it abusive, IMO. People tend to throw that word around a lot, and I think it demeans what real abuse victims go through. I think Tigress is right to be concerned with his behaviour, though she was in the wrong as well. T, why DID you continue doing what he had told you he did not like? Be honest with yourself: Was it a play for attention or did you genuinely forget/slip up? The answer may help you in the future. Also, I agree with the others that there seems to be an uncanny level of drama for a budding R with no real precipitating issues (poverty, sickness, distance, kids, etc). Have you ever thought that you might both just not be compatible?
daphne Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Also, I agree with the others that there seems to be an uncanny level of drama for a budding R with no real precipitating issues (poverty, sickness, distance, kids, etc). Have you ever thought that you might both just not be compatible? While I may agree with this, and some of the other comments about responsibility there's one thing that doesn't ring true for me. How can a simple meow annoy someone that much?? Especially enough to warrant physical force? I won't call it abuse at this point, but it's a precursor. To add, who's over reacting? She was scared. He was annoyed. He's the one that got physical to try to stop it. He gets my vote.
Emilia Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 While I may agree with this, and some of the other comments about responsibility there's one thing that doesn't ring true for me. How can a simple meow annoy someone that much?? Especially enough to warrant physical force? I won't call it abuse at this point, but it's a precursor. To add, who's over reacting? She was scared. He was annoyed. He's the one that got physical to try to stop it. He gets my vote. I'm guessing - as probably often the case with TA's posts - we are not getting the full story.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) The thing is, when he had grabbed me, I had only transgressed once--literally, once. Instead of telling me to stop (and I would have, as I had done previously when he asked me to), he decided to inflict physical pain on me. It isn't that the way he grabbed my arm was annoying to me--it was that it HURT me, and I had told him this before. I had to start yelling at him to let me go before he actually did. He refused to listen when I told him the first time. I just can't see how those two things are on a similar level. The fact is that I'm scared of him right now. He revealed a pretty scary side of himself in having grabbed me like that, and then dubbing my concerns as 'overreaction' and completely dismissing them. Sure, I had 'meowed' before a few times after he had asked me to stop doing it--but he had never resorted to physical force to get me to stop it, until last night. And I don't believe there was anything extraordinary about last night to warrant physical force from him. I wasn't doing it over and over in his face when he grabbed my arm--I had done it one single time. My whole point here is that I just can't see how my actions even came close to justifying what he had done. Edited November 29, 2011 by tigressA
Els Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I don't think they are on a similar level, no. I think some of us were just trying to get you to do some introspection into WHY you did it. We aren't saying that what he did was right. I can't really advise you on this, as I have personally never had a man use physical force to hurt me (when I did not want him to, at least!). But I think that it would be a good reason to leave, yes.
Janesays Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I don't get the impression that you want to leave. I get the impression that you want him to apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness.
Author tigressA Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 I don't think they are on a similar level, no. I think some of us were just trying to get you to do some introspection into WHY you did it. We aren't saying that what he did was right. I can't really advise you on this, as I have personally never had a man use physical force to hurt me (when I did not want him to, at least!). But I think that it would be a good reason to leave, yes. I was kind of on autopilot when I did it. He was playing around by pulling his head back when I tried to kiss him, and that was when I did it. It's a sort of default I go to when I'm feeling silly/playful. When we're in that mood we do things to provoke each other but it's all in fun. Janesays, the only thing I know I want at this point is have a couple of days away from him to sort out my thoughts and feelings.
sugarmomma Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I don't care if you "meowed" 5000 times. He had no right to put his hands on you. Don't listen to anyone hearing talking about how you "provoked" him. What you did didn't warrant him over reacting in that way. If he was annoyed he should have said he was and took his ass to sleep. He wanted to have some power over you and that's how he got it. Such a coward. Leave his ass.
Els Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Then by all means, tell him that you're going away for some time to think about this. Depending on how permanent you feel the change may be, you could either bunk at a friend's house, or move out entirely.
KindMan Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 OP is a drama queen with unstable emotional makeup and cold sores. She is acting like he hit her or raised his hand in anger with a threat of physical REAL violence. Stop playing victim OP! You and your cold sores should be single for ever, even in after life.
LittleTiger Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 We could discuss this until the cows come home but the important point is that TigressA has said she is 'frightened' of her boyfriend. No woman should EVER stay with a man who scares her!
MyApology Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I am sorry that he gets annoyed with you. Looking at it from an outsider's perspective, it seems he is extremely intolerant and annoyed at you. If I was to react inside and feel someone is annoying to the point of intolerance, it stems from not liking that person much and any little move they make may annoy me if I wish I was anywhere else but with them. Attraction, lust, and love fades naturally in many relationships. He may stay, but for all the wrong reasons, such as laziness, not wishing to be alone, or quite simply the sex. Well, hope he is not the violent type, and it works out for you.
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