jnc3 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I'm a girl who is emotionally distant/unavailable in relationships. I was in a long term relationship for about four years and after realizing it wouldn't end in marriage, I left. I feel a lot of pressure from my family and friends to be in a committed relationship and to be married, as my parents ask about it all the time. With the last relationship towards the end, I felt like I was just going through the motions and I was in it out of obligation. I also stopped being attracted to my partner. I also realize I am a lot more free and happier being single, however if my end goal is to have a family I should probably start looking for a relationship at some point (I'm 31 now). I also don't think all relationships are meant to last for a long time, if at all. When my last relationship started I made sure to keep my head above water, my friends separate and my hobbies separate and to always maintain my own sense of self-identity if/when a breakup should occur. Four years later I was able to detach myself from the person long before the breakup. Now I wasn't always like this (I had an awful heart-wrenching breakup a few years ago before this, from someone who was emotionally abusive to me). I used to be quite the opposite -- be able to love freely and openly, as if it would never end. Somehow after this awful breakup I saw relationships as just temporary (even when I've seen proof that they can last for years). Is anyone else like this? At some point I'd like to have children (which I don't want to do if I'm not married), but I have no idea how to deal with my commitment issues, and I have a hard time seeing any relationship not ending. I automatically distance myself from the person when the relationship starts. Any advice?
westrock Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Now I wasn't always like this (I had an awful heart-wrenching breakup a few years ago before this, from someone who was emotionally abusive to me). I used to be quite the opposite -- be able to love freely and openly, as if it would never end. Somehow after this awful breakup I saw relationships as just temporary (even when I've seen proof that they can last for years). Sounds like you have some unresolved emotional issues from that awful heart-wrenching breakup a few years ago. When we've been hurt like that, our emotional subsconscious tries to protect us from similar situations where we could be vulnerable. However, the very nature of a romantic relationship requires us to be vulnerable. Because being vulnerable conflicts with your subconscious' desire to protect you, it is no wonder you are finding romantic relationships difficult. The good news is that at one point you were quite the opposite which means that you can get back to that way of living if you are open and willing to work on healing your past unresolved emtional issues. However it is unlikely you can do it on your own because of the way our emotional subconscious protects us from harm based on our past experiences. Have you ever considered talking to a psychologist or therapist who can help you work through these issues? You would probably find it very helpful.
Author jnc3 Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Thanks, Westrock. I did see a therapist after that breakup many years ago, and I don't think it helped any. The only thing I learned was not to keep going back to your x / NC etc. I have a hard time convincing myself that I should be more available since the way I see it, unless you're married all relationships are temporary.
yeahyeahyeah Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Just my two cents, but from the guy's side it can be very hard/frustrating dating an emotionally distant girl. I mean, after all, as the guy you have to win her over. In my last relationship, the girl was definitely more independent, emotionally distant than I was. And the thing is, any decent marriage minded guy, will want to be emotionally close, want to share a lot of things together. To me, I wouldn't be able to marry a girl (much less stay in a long term relationship) if the emotional closeness would only come after marriage. I mean, up till then how do I know there ever will be emotional closeness? Just her promise? It just seems difficult. Now, that's not to say that I don't see where you're coming from. I'm definitely burned from my last relationship where I was completely open and vulnerable and never again want to experience that sort of pain. But deep down I realize that a relationship without vulnerability, without the risk of hurt, is not a real substantial relationship. It may be a diversion, or may be fun but it's not something significant. I guess, I know it's hard, but there are decent, emotionally available guys out there that are just as scared of getting hurt as you are but they're going to put it all on the line in the hope of falling in love and all they want is some reciprocation.
pinkie Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I've experienced the exact same thing. I felt very numb inside during and after the relationship ended. (A relationship prior to this felt like my heart literally being ripped from my chest when it ended because I had fallen so hard). It makes for a really bad experience when the other person reaches out and wants to bond emotionally and you just aren't able to. Something that's worked for me... time off from relationships all together. Spend the much needed time alone and find yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal from the broken heart that never mended. When you're ready for love again, you will know it. Do not stress yourself out about your age... there is no date stamp on when/how long it takes to find true love.
betterdeal Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Thanks, Westrock. I did see a therapist after that breakup many years ago, and I don't think it helped any. The only thing I learned was not to keep going back to your x / NC etc. I have a hard time convincing myself that I should be more available since the way I see it, unless you're married all relationships are temporary. I believe changing the way you think about a sad moment in your life helps you to not be afraid of trying something again (with perhaps more knowledge and a few tweaks here and there to your own behaviour). The thing is, you now know that being emotionally withdrawn doesn't work well for you, so maybe give up that technique and retry the old one of being emotionally present. Or maybe try a mix of the two - being emotionally present but holding back a tiny bit for yourself. Opening up needn't have to be immediate and fully. It can be gradual, as you get to know each other more, get to be like each other more. After all, there will be another person involved and they come with their own personal form of crazy too, so holding something in reserve is a good idea anyway. I get the wish to be settled into a marriage, a stable relationship, and sometimes life feels like a never ending replay of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You try the different bowls of porridge and the different beds until you find the one that's right for you. Ultimately, it's your journey and you can share it with others knowing catastrophes do happen, but they happen rarely and dwelling on them is a waste of time. So don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened. Forever is a long time, but it starts now and you can only find out if a relationship is long term over, well, a long period of time.
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