Els Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 It's great that you've acknowledged your own part of the fault in this, ES. It's a huge step forward. I simply do not understand. I've spent MANY birthdays by myself and all I've ever wanted was a man to remember the morning of my birthday, kiss my forehead and say "happy birthday baby". I'm jealous you have a man who remembered at midnight. It's the little things in life, but that's just my point of view. Not sure if I misunderstand here, but do you mean that none of the men you've ever been with have even bothered to remember your birthday??? I'm genuinely sorry if that is the case - that is no way to treat someone you love. Sure, it may happen ONCE or so, we're human and make mistakes, but for it to be an ongoing trend is really, really sad. I have a terrible memory and yet I make myself remember an SO's, going to the extent of putting reminders in my computer, phone, and various other places some time in advance. I don't think there's any excuse for perpetually forgetting. My husband is the king of clueless. I have to spell things out for him a LOT. Things that would be more "meaningful" if he remembered and did on his own. But he doesn't, and it's much better for the relationship if I am clear about my hopes, desires and expectations than if I just wait for him to change while building up anger, resentment and disappointment. He gets to be a good guy instead of a bad guy, and I do get my needs met. Sure, it would be more awesome if I didn't need to be so unromantic about romantic stuff, but he is awesome, so it's worth it. I also expect my man to "read my mind" when I should just be spelling things out for him. It would make our lives a whole lot easier I'm sure. I think a balance needs to be had here. Certainly we should not expect people to read our minds, and I think it's normal for there to be some sort of compromise in which the less 'romantic' partner needs a little bit of nudging. But I guess if we find ourselves doing it more often than not, some reconsideration needs to be done perhaps?
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Not sure if I misunderstand here, but do you mean that none of the men you've ever been with have even bothered to remember your birthday??? I'm genuinely sorry if that is the case - that is no way to treat someone you love. Sure, it may happen ONCE or so, we're human and make mistakes, but for it to be an ongoing trend is really, really sad. I have a terrible memory and yet I make myself remember an SO's, going to the extent of putting reminders in my computer, phone, and various other places some time in advance. I don't think there's any excuse for perpetually forgetting. Yes, that is exactly what I mean, or I've been alone on it. I'll be the FIRST to admit I've made some really bad men choices in my life. That's why I don't understand this thread and being SO upset about potentially not getting a gift. When I think him remembering at midnight was a huge deal. Now she got what she wanted, but all that build up and emotional drama has to be draining. I believe this is why they invented xanax.
Els Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hahah, yeah, I would personally have been fine about my SO wishing me at midnight too. But if ES had put in a lot of effort and money into HIS birthday, I would understand her being disappointed.
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hahah, yeah, I would personally have been fine about my SO wishing me at midnight too. But if ES had put in a lot of effort and money into HIS birthday, I would understand her being disappointed. The thing is tho, not everyone responds in the same manner. I've gone overboard for people on their birthdays, holidays, etc. and have been disappointed when they don't act as excited as I was to buy them whatever I did. Just because one person is a gift giver, doesn't mean the other one is too. I think the "The 5 love languages" is a must read for everyone IMO. Sounds like the OP perceives "gift giving" as love (which doesn't mean materialistic) and her BF perceives "doing things" for her as love.
Els Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Ohh, that's true. But I think it's just decent nature to reciprocate accordingly, even if you 'aren't that sort of person'. Basically, your partner doing lots of stuff for your birthday would have been an indication that he/she values that sort of stuff, and thus you should try to do the same for him/her? I dunno, that's what I try to do, at least, barring extenuating circumstances or very good reasons otherwise.
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Ohh, that's true. But I think it's just decent nature to reciprocate accordingly, even if you 'aren't that sort of person'. Basically, your partner doing lots of stuff for your birthday would have been an indication that he/she values that sort of stuff, and thus you should try to do the same for him/her? I dunno, that's what I try to do, at least, barring extenuating circumstances or very good reasons otherwise. Yeah, I see your point. I can say in my case my BF isn't a gift giver, but he does tons of stuff for me that always makes me feel important because I know he wouldn't do them for anyone else. In return, I do things for him as well as TELL him how I much I enjoy his company. I'm a words of affirmation person and spending time. He's a spending time and doing things person. I sometimes wish he would TELL me how he feels...so it's tough knowing that's my major love language and it's not his.
Stung Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Stung, thanks for your post. From as far as I can remember, my family stayed up till 12:01 to wait fro each other's bdays. We were/are all extremely close and would think nothing of spending $1000 on a bday gift. We moved out of my home country when I was 15 so I never saw any relatives for my bdays after that. As for friends, I never had super close ones. What would happen is that they would wish me happy bday sometime next day and give me a gift when they see me next (usually the weekend after bday). This is pretty much my standard neurotic behavior. The good news is that I have settled down with it and haven't had a "freak out" in months. I did tell my boyfriend how much I love and appreciate him today and usually send him little notes anyway. He actually said many times that he likes that I am "a little bit crazy" Despite what comes through in the threads, I do a lot for him. In terms of housework, cooking his favorite meals, supporting him when he has problems at work, dressing up/doing sexual things that he especially likes. Also, for example I took on a hassle of advertising and then selling his old car after about 10 people came to see it during my work hours. Then I am honored to be the first (apparently) to tell you this: most people, at least in the circles I have moved in on three different continents (but not including Australia), celebrate a close loved one's birthday on the day of their birthday...not at 12:01 midnight, but during the daytime and evening of the date. Very, very few people in this world will be spending 1K on your birthday gift, and you should not take this as a negative symbol of their feelings for you, but rather understand that it is extremely unusual that your family practices this. That doesn't mean your family loves you and other people don't, it means your family has a different value system for money, or your family has a lot of disposable money. It is also entirely normal among functional adults for a boyfriend or husband or close friend or whoever to wish you a happy birthday on the day, maybe do something or give you something kind of small--a token--and then celebrate with you on the weekend, or go with you on a celebratory trip, after the fact when the times line up better for work, etc. This is also not a negative indicator of any kind of relationship problem, although it might indicate different relationship styles. There is nothing wrong with placing high expectation on high-symbol days like a birthday or a holiday, but your expectations have spiraled out of bounds and way into unrealistic. You are simply going to have to get ahold of yourself a bit in this regard and exercise some self-control. Remember, please, that if your family has traditions about birthdays and holidays that you hold dear and expect your boyfriend to honor, you are going to have to tell him what they are, AND tell him just how important they are to you, how disappointed and angry you will be if they are not followed. Yet even then, you should expect there to be some deviation from what you expect/desire, because he's a human man, not your fantasy, and he is going to have his own thoughts and ideas and traditions about how holidays and birthdays should progress. And you are going to have to respect some of his ideas on these subjects just as you want him to respect some of your ideas, and if you two are going to be together for a long time you will have to learn how to make your own, new traditions together. Cheers on the birthday. I do agree with UF, it seems like you've been mellowing out a little bit lately and that's a good thing. This was an out-of-control spiral but it doesn't have to mean much in the big picture, if you learn from it. I'm glad you have been telling him and showing him that you appreciate him.
musemaj11 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 But did you know in the far east they have a day for men thats equivalent. Cards, gifts, candy, the whole nine...and my non American asian friends tell me its pretty awesome. Im geographically Asian myself yet Im completely unaware of this tradition your friends told you about.
Stung Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Im geographically Asian myself yet Im completely unaware of this tradition your friends told you about. Maybe that poster was just referring to Valentine's Day--in Japan and Korea, Valentine's Day is usually about women giving chocolate to men. There's also White Day in Taiwan, when women give gifts to men. Sweetest Day, which as far as I know is mostly celebrated in the American Midwest--women give cards and candy and little electronics presents to their boyfriends and husbands, as I understand it. Never celebrated that one myself. There's also Steak and Blowjob Day, you've probably heard of that one. Good steaks can be expensive, and there's also the gift of time, either cooking skills or picking up the tab, and a skilled mouth. I HAVE celebrated that one. Also some people consider Thanksgiving one of the ultimate male holidays, where in many families it's traditional for men to sit around watching football while women knock themselves out in the kitchen making giant rich meals. That's not how my own family has celebrated that day, however--in my family anybody who's good at cooking cooks, regardless of gender, and the only one who watches football is my mom. Valentine's Day in Japan really has nothing to do with ES' birthday though. If you want to start up another of your own threads bashing all women everywhere for materialism, go for it.
xxoo Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 . Also some people consider Thanksgiving one of the ultimate male holidays, where in many families it's traditional for men to sit around watching football while women knock themselves out in the kitchen making giant rich meals. I never thought of Thanksgiving that way! But it is SOOO true in my family I love to cook for the men I love, so that it just fine with me
kaylan Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Im geographically Asian myself yet Im completely unaware of this tradition your friends told you about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Day White day is not only celebrated in Taiwan, also Korea and Japan. Funny how an American black dude knows more about your culture than you lolz
Feelsgoodman Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Day White day is not only celebrated in Taiwan, also Korea and Japan. Funny how an American black dude knows more about your culture than you lolz From wikipedia: "In Japan, Valentine's Day is observed by females who present chocolate gifts (either store-bought or handmade), usually to a male, as an expression of love, courtesy or social obligation. A handmade chocolate is usually preferred by the receiver, because it is a sign that the receiving male is the girl's "only one". On White Day, the converse happens: males who received a honmei-choco (本命チョコ?, "chocolate of love") or giri-choco (義理チョコ?, "courtesy chocolate") on Valentine's Day are expected to return the favor by giving gifts, usually more expensive." That just goes to show that there is no such thing as free lunch, even in Japan. She buys you some lame-ass chocolate bar and expects an expensive gift in return. I guess women are gold-diggers everywhere
ShannonMI Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) I don't know what's next. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Paying for my half of the ticket for jet ski (something he wanted to do anyway) is not really a present. I feel less for him now. Lately, I have been doing everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, serving etc etc. The more I do for him the less he appreciates me. This is not about money. I would have been happy with few dollars worth of gift on the day. I know that I would never not buy him a present and I'm in much worse financial situation than he is. I def can't just ignore this incident. I will talk it out with him tomorrow and go from there. I feel like moving in was a mistake. He takes me for granted so much more now. You sound like such a self entitled princess. You feel less for him because he bought you your half of a jet ski ride and a car and a trip to Europe? Yeah this guy sounds like SUCH a jerk:rolleyes: You can't honestly be serious. So he's in financial dire straits and still managed to do what he did for you with the car and the trip etc. etc. Who cares if he didn't get you anything for your birthday. You aren't a 5 year old anymore, honey. How about get off your diamond encrusted pedestal and grow the f*ck up. :rolleyes: Edit: YOU are in financial dire straits. I read it wrong the first time. My opinion about you stands though. You are 33 years old. It should be OK to not get a birthday present. Edited December 8, 2011 by ShannonMI
Feelsgoodman Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 You sound like such a self entitled princess. You feel less for him because he bought you your half of a jet ski ride and a car and a trip to Europe? Yeah this guy sounds like SUCH a jerk:rolleyes: You can't honestly be serious. So he's in financial dire straits and still managed to do what he did for you with the car and the trip etc. etc. Who cares if he didn't get you anything for your birthday. You aren't a 5 year old anymore, honey. How about get off your diamond encrusted pedestal and grow the f*ck up. :rolleyes: Wow, for once I am in total agreement with ShannonMI Moments like this make you realize that nothing is impossible...
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 WTF he bought a car for himself which he lets me use and I'm paying my own way for the trip to Europe. Anyway, we had a nice dinner with my parents and when we went home he asked me what happened after midnight on my birthday and why was I so distant. I told him the truth and he was very understanding and apologized for causing me distress. He briefly touched on the subject of marriage and told me that he wouldn't be living with me if he didn't see himself marrying me some day. He also said how he feels our relationship us getting better and beter.
oaks Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Sounds good. Best to check soon that he knows what day (and time of) you expect to be unwrapping Christmas presents. That seems to vary around the world, and a conversation now could save you from getting upset later.
musemaj11 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Day White day is not only celebrated in Taiwan, also Korea and Japan. Funny how an American black dude knows more about your culture than you lolz Thats like me saying that you must know everything about Lesotho because you are black.
anne1707 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Did you also apologise for your behaviour? After all, he actually did nothing wrong but you got upset with him and, to put it bluntly, sulked like a spoilt kid. The point to a a mature, adult relationship is that there is give and take on both sides. You cannot expect him to do everything by your (unspoken) rules.
Cee Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I'm checking into this thread late, but we have some commonality. My birthday is also the 7th (I think that's yours) and my boyfriend hasn't given me a gift. He said he ordered it, but I haven't seen it. No card either. It bothers me a little, but he is so amazing in every way, I can't be angry. I was out of town on business for my birthday and he called me. And he picked me up from the airport and we got reacquainted in bed. And he made me breakfast the next day. He's not a present giving type guy. But he treats me so well. I think women are socialized to want ritual and ceremony in our relationships. But in a secure partnership, we have all the validation we need. In our lovers' actions and in the love we see in their eyes. Honestly, the best gift I ever got was meeting him. And moving in with him. I love that man.
PlumPrincess Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 So he really got me nothing. I can't quite believe this. He waited till midnight and wished me happy bday and told me that he loved me. That was it. He then attempted to have sex (I rejected him because he didn't even get me a fing box of chocolates and I was pissed). He then rolled over and is snoring as we speak. I feel completely unappreciated and taken for granted. He even buys acqutances gifts. I will wait until tomorrow is over and will have an argument then. This is not something I can just let slide. He pays all the bills, plus the car that you can also use, plus he will pay for the stuff at the resort. So, he didn't get you a real birthday present, which does sting a bit, but the rest of the time he's treating you like a princess. Just tell him you want some chocolate and flowers for your birthday, because his acknowledgement of your birthday is little gesture that you appreciate and let it go.
anne1707 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I was being really silly guys. I fell asleep at 4am really upset. Luckily he was already asleep and didn't see the extent of it. This morning he woke me up at 7am singing happy birthday. He carried flowers, gift and a card. He bought me 33 pink roses and a digital photo frame with pictures of us. Card was also very loving. Then he initiated sex again and this time I went through with it After that, he told me to quickly get dressed and took me out for breakfast before work. He repeated many times how much he loves me and how happy I make him. The OP, after all her complaining, actually did get presents etc from her bf on the morning of her birthday.
PlumPrincess Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I was being really silly guys. I fell asleep at 4am really upset. Luckily he was already asleep and didn't see the extent of it. This morning he woke me up at 7am singing happy birthday. He carried flowers, gift and a card. He bought me 33 pink roses and a digital photo frame with pictures of us. Card was also very loving. Then he initiated sex again and this time I went through with it After that, he told me to quickly get dressed and took me out for breakfast before work. He repeated many times how much he loves me and how happy I make him. Now I just wish I wasn't at work with only 3 hours of sleep I just read this... I'm not sure you deserve him...
Els Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I think women are socialized to want ritual and ceremony in our relationships. But in a secure partnership, we have all the validation we need. In our lovers' actions and in the love we see in their eyes. I think this is key. Far too many women turn love into a competition. It's demonstrated on this site, even. Somehow society obtained the twisted mindset that the more lavish and ostentatious the displays of romance by a woman's partner, the more desirable or attractive she must be. So some women take their partner's showiness, or lack thereof, as a reflection on their desirability. This is a horrible dynamic, for both the woman and man in the partnership.
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