OliveOyl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Yea see, even if it is something that is very important to her, she should have told him when he initially brought the issue up. That's called "working as a team". He may have had a discussion with her about expenses and a compromise may have had to been made, but that's what being in a relationship is all about. Yes, I agree with the above. OP expected her BF to foresee that she would be upset even after the initial convo, which is basically disrespectful to him because he clearly spoke about the issue and why he did what he did. OP expecting him to go above and beyond even after all that just shows she is only concerned about herself, and not the team. I don't think it's as simple that she is "only concerned about herself." She hoped he would be able to read her mind. It's sort of like how little kids expect their parents to always know everything. She assumes that he shares the same belief system about things in general, more specifically, birthdays, and him not sharing this same viewpoint about how to properly celebrate a birthday is a bit shocking to her. So this may be particularly upsetting to the OP because it either means: a) they are not really of the same mind/don't always see things the same way, so this bursts the bubble of the fantasy that they share "one mind", or... b) the OP thinks he does share the same viewpoint about properly celebrating a birthday, but chose not to, which means that he chose to hurt her, possibly subconsciously.
mo mo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Yes, I agree with the above. I don't think it's as simple that she is "only concerned about herself." She hoped he would be able to read her mind. It's sort of like how little kids expect their parents to always know everything. She assumes that he shares the same belief system about things in general, more specifically, birthdays, and him not sharing this same viewpoint about how to properly celebrate a birthday is a bit shocking to her. So this may be particularly upsetting to the OP because it either means: a) they are not really of the same mind/don't always see things the same way, so this bursts the bubble of the fantasy that they share "one mind", or... b) the OP thinks he does share the same viewpoint about properly celebrating a birthday, but chose not to, which means that he chose to hurt her, possibly subconsciously. To be honest, the reason I bring up selfishness is because of threads of hers from the past. A lot of selfish stuff happened in the past that ruined relationships. But that doesn't mean I think you are wrong with this theory.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I don't think it's as simple that she is "only concerned about herself." She hoped he would be able to read her mind. It's sort of like how little kids expect their parents to always know everything. She assumes that he shares the same belief system about things in general, more specifically, birthdays, and him not sharing this same viewpoint about how to properly celebrate a birthday is a bit shocking to her. So this may be particularly upsetting to the OP because it either means: a) they are not really of the same mind/don't always see things the same way, so this bursts the bubble of the fantasy that they share "one mind", or... b) the OP thinks he does share the same viewpoint about properly celebrating a birthday, but chose not to, which means that he chose to hurt her, possibly subconsciously. Expecting people to read your mind IS selfish. It's about being too lazy to put out the effort to communicate. I've dealt with that 'sharing one mind' fantasy with women before. What I have learned is that selfish @sshole people struggle to imagine anyone being able to think differently than themselves. Women who have this type of fantasy are exceptionally selfish... I have learned this first hand. Learn to communicate... there is nothing romantic about someone reading your mind. It's just selfish and lazy.
xxoo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So this may be particularly upsetting to the OP because it either means: a) they are not really of the same mind/don't always see things the same way, so this bursts the bubble of the fantasy that they share "one mind", or... b) the OP thinks he does share the same viewpoint about properly celebrating a birthday, but chose not to, which means that he chose to hurt her, possibly subconsciously. There is a dinner planned for her birthday at her mom's house (I am assuming her bf will attend, in celebration of her bday). He planned ahead to gift her the jet skiing, and he sweetly wished her a happy birthday. How is this not "properly" celebrating a birthday? How specific are the expectations? ES, have you considered that your birthday expecations are unreasonably high? This is about the extent of the celebration for most adults I know, unless it is a milestone bday.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I was being really silly guys. I fell asleep at 4am really upset. Luckily he was already asleep and didn't see the extent of it. This morning he woke me up at 7am singing happy birthday. He carried flowers, gift and a card. He bought me 33 pink roses and a digital photo frame with pictures of us. Card was also very loving. Then he initiated sex again and this time I went through with it After that, he told me to quickly get dressed and took me out for breakfast before work. He repeated many times how much he loves me and how happy I make him. Now I just wish I wasn't at work with only 3 hours of sleep
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Whoa.... .... so it was at the "beginning"?!?! um, I'll post tomorrow --- happy birthday for now :eek:
Ariadne Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 33 pink roses and a digital photo frame with pictures of us. Card was also very loving. Omg, how romantic!!!
Stung Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Happy birthday, ES. I hope you have a good day. I admit that I only skimmed this thread, so I might have missed something, but I'm a little confused. Earlier it sounded as if he waited all through the day of your birthday until midnight and then wished you a happy birthday, and you were upset about that. Do you mean to say that in fact he wished you a happy birthday at midnight right as the date was officially rolling over into your birthday? Or have I read something wrong?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I was being really silly guys. I fell asleep at 4am really upset. Luckily he was already asleep and didn't see the extent of it. This morning he woke me up at 7am singing happy birthday. He carried flowers, gift and a card. He bought me 33 pink roses and a digital photo frame with pictures of us. Card was also very loving. Then he initiated sex again and this time I went through with it After that, he told me to quickly get dressed and took me out for breakfast before work. He repeated many times how much he loves me and how happy I make him. Now I just wish I wasn't at work with only 3 hours of sleep You better dump this guy quick before behavior like this gets out of control.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 OP is Eastern European, living in Australia. Guess you'll have to find another scapegoat for all us evil American women. Is she Russian? Russian women can be even more spoiled than American women.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Yes, he waited up until midnight to wish me happy bday at the very beginning at 12:01. In my family, that's traditionally the time we give gifts too. Turns out that in his family they wait till the morning. I just assumed that I wasn't getting anything. Turns out he bought the gift a week ago and flowers the night before and they were in his car.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 PS he said that he wasn't getting me anything because he felt embarrassed that this is all he can afford at present.
kaylan Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) pointless thread was pointless Jeeeeezzzus Christ. I think threads like this is one of the reasons Im single. You did alllll that over thinking, said all that stuff about not being appreciated and feeling less for him, and then reject him when he wants to make love to you, and then your birthday comes....And guess what? He did everything right anyways. Got you something, sang to you, and gave you some loving. Whats with women and worrying about the material stuff? Hell Id be happy with nothing on my birthday, as long as the girl told me how she felt for me and kissed me like she loved me. Thats all I need. Hell my ex made me a mix CD, a hand made card telling me all she felt for me, and bought me a box of zebra cakes (my FAVE snack) for my 23rd birthday 2 years ago. It was great. Edited December 8, 2011 by kaylan
missed_theboat Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hell my ex made me a mix CD, a hand made card telling me all she felt for me, and bought me a box of zebra cakes (my FAVE snack) for my 23rd birthday 2 years ago. It was great. Zebra Cakes for the WIN! Also, I love this, because I don't have a lot of spare money and I told my ex that (about Christmas) and he said "cool, creative gifts don't have to cost a lot of money". That's so true! If thought goes into something and it comes out of love, does it need to cost hundreds of dollars? I'd rather get some sweet heartfelt gift that means a lot. My old boss said her ex-husband got her a pair of expensive pearl earrings once and she almost cried. She said if he had known her at all, he would have known she would never wear pearls. It made her realize he had no idea who she was.
Stung Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Yes, he waited up until midnight to wish me happy bday at the very beginning at 12:01. In my family, that's traditionally the time we give gifts too. Turns out that in his family they wait till the morning. I just assumed that I wasn't getting anything. Turns out he bought the gift a week ago and flowers the night before and they were in his car. Well, since today is your birthday I hope the hordes of LS will hold off on hassling you on this overmuch, as they can be really rough...but I also hope you can recognize the dysfunctional thinking at work here. You are in your thirties, ES, with presumably many years of celebrating birthdays with friends and acquaintances behind you. Can you really be unfamiliar with the very common custom of waiting until the actual daytime part of somebody's birthday to celebrate with them and give them their gifts? Even if your family practiced another tradition, surely you don't expect everybody to conform to your family's every unique tradition, particularly without ever telling them what those traditions are? This is possibly neither here nor there, but I am trying to imagine just how far back this tradition of your family could possibly go, anyway. Surely they didn't wake you up at midnight as a young child in bed to give you your presents at 12:01? From what I have read, he promised you a jetski trip. He waited up until midnight although he was apparently tired, to wish you a happy birthday and try to make love to you, which is really quite sweet. He was doing just great even before he woke you up with flowers this morning, I hope you have told him how much you appreciate what a big deal he is making of your birthday. DO you appreciate it, now? I hope you had/are having a good day.
musemaj11 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 pointless thread was pointless Jeeeeezzzus Christ. I think threads like this is one of the reasons Im single. You did alllll that over thinking, said all that stuff about not being appreciated and feeling less for him, and then reject him when he wants to make love to you, and then your birthday comes....And guess what? He did everything right anyways. Got you something, sang to you, and gave you some loving. Whats with women and worrying about the material stuff? Hell Id be happy with nothing on my birthday, as long as the girl told me how she felt for me and kissed me like she loved me. Thats all I need. Hell my ex made me a mix CD, a hand made card telling me all she felt for me, and bought me a box of zebra cakes (my FAVE snack) for my 23rd birthday 2 years ago. It was great. Men and women are different. For a man, just having the woman he loves around him is all he needs from her. But a woman is not like that. Unlike a man's love, her love is a lot more conditional. Her love is to receive not to give.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Stung, thanks for your post. From as far as I can remember, my family stayed up till 12:01 to wait fro each other's bdays. We were/are all extremely close and would think nothing of spending $1000 on a bday gift. We moved out of my home country when I was 15 so I never saw any relatives for my bdays after that. As for friends, I never had super close ones. What would happen is that they would wish me happy bday sometime next day and give me a gift when they see me next (usually the weekend after bday). This is pretty much my standard neurotic behavior. The good news is that I have settled down with it and haven't had a "freak out" in months. I did tell my boyfriend how much I love and appreciate him today and usually send him little notes anyway. He actually said many times that he likes that I am "a little bit crazy" Despite what comes through in the threads, I do a lot for him. In terms of housework, cooking his favorite meals, supporting him when he has problems at work, dressing up/doing sexual things that he especially likes. Also, for example I took on a hassle of advertising and then selling his old car after about 10 people came to see it during my work hours.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Despite what comes through in the threads, I do a lot for him. In terms of housework, cooking his favorite meals, supporting him when he has problems at work, dressing up/doing sexual things that he especially likes. Also, for example I took on a hassle of advertising and then selling his old car after about 10 people came to see it during my work hours. Honestly, I wish you the best with this relationship. I believe you have toned down the crazy, and you seem to be moving forward.
Ilovewater Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Stung, thanks for your post. From as far as I can remember, my family stayed up till 12:01 to wait fro each other's bdays. How is he supposed to know about this family tradition of yours...? It's irrational to be so upset that you have to complain about how you didn't get a present at midnight. You seem to be addicted to drama since every time something comes up, you jump straight to the conclusion that he doesn't appreciate you and start arguments. He has bent over backwards to please you. You want him to appreciate you, but you don't seem to appreciate him very much because you always come up with reasons to chew him out.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 The saddest part of this thread is that OP's boyfriend actually seems like a pretty good guy...More proof that nice guys get the leftovers when they get anything at all.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Honestly, I wish you the best with this relationship. I believe you have toned down the crazy, and you seem to be moving forward. Thanks UF, much appreciated
kaylan Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Men and women are different. For a man, just having the woman he loves around him is all he needs from her. But a woman is not like that. Unlike a man's love, her love is a lot more conditional. Her love is to receive not to give. We are not inherently different in this regard. Its all social conditioning when it comes to gift giving and "special" days. Because men historically have the wealth and are sposed to woo the girl and what not, gifts are bought. Flowers and candy and what not. Thats why the west has Valentines day. But did you know in the far east they have a day for men thats equivalent. Cards, gifts, candy, the whole nine...and my non American asian friends tell me its pretty awesome. So save me your BS about womens love not being the giving kind. It depends on the person if its conditional or not. Plenty of women and men can give and receive good love. Gifting optional.
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