carhill Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Can you communicate with him in a calm and clear manner? Can you express clearly what your feelings of disappointment pertain to? Then, after expressing this, can you let it go? If previously unaware (watch that 'benefit of the doubt' thing), he's now aware of the importance of your birthday to you, and that importance is valid for you, even if invalid for everyone else in the world. He has a choice, in the future, as to how he processes that information. Regardless, there is, if you communicate clearly, no doubt remaining about your feelings in this matter. Check with him on that. Are you a team? How you and he resolve this, accept it, and move forward *together* will be a signpost of this aspect of your relationship. To me, teamwork is important. YMMV on that. Good luck
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I don't know what's next. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Paying for my half of the ticket for jet ski (something he wanted to do anyway) is not really a present. I feel less for him now. Lately, I have been doing everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, serving etc etc. The more I do for him the less he appreciates me. This is not about money. I would have been happy with few dollars worth of gift on the day. I know that I would never not buy him a present and I'm in much worse financial situation than he is. I def can't just ignore this incident. I will talk it out with him tomorrow and go from there. I feel like moving in was a mistake. He takes me for granted so much more now. Look, he already told you what he was going to do and you agreed with him. Now your shocked that he told you the truth? Getting upset about this NOW just makes you look like an immature spoiled brat. If you are really convinced that you have to make a big deal of this... just tell him you didn't realize how bad it would make you feel and leave it at that. Don't try any of the usual crap to "punish" him. That crap is what makes you nearly impossible to date. Just tell him how you feel and why... then leave it at that. He will either understand or he won't. If he doesn't... then either learn to live with it, or find a new BF. This is best advice. Also... if you feel he doesn't appreciate you doing something then stop doing it. I had a GF that constantly felt I didn't appreciate her efforts around the house. Truth is I didn't appreciate it. She did it for herself, not for me. I kept a fairly clean house before her... she was the one who couldn't stand 1 dish in the sink.
Ilovewater Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I don't know what's next. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Paying for my half of the ticket for jet ski (something he wanted to do anyway) is not really a present. I feel less for him now. Lately, I have been doing everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, serving etc etc. The more I do for him the less he appreciates me. This is not about money. I would have been happy with few dollars worth of gift on the day. I know that I would never not buy him a present and I'm in much worse financial situation than he is. I def can't just ignore this incident. I will talk it out with him tomorrow and go from there. I feel like moving in was a mistake. He takes me for granted so much more now. Why not? He did something nice for you involuntarily. That's a present in my opinion. You said he takes you for granted, but you're doing the same. He's been treating you pretty well, such as paying for most of the expenses, and you don't appreciate it. Plus, it's 3 AM. You're getting pissed at him for not giving you a present right at midnight? Even if he has another present for you, what's wrong with waiting until daytime. Stop overreacting!
azsinglegal Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I simply do not understand. I've spent MANY birthdays by myself and all I've ever wanted was a man to remember the morning of my birthday, kiss my forehead and say "happy birthday baby". I'm jealous you have a man who remembered at midnight. It's the little things in life, but that's just my point of view.
xxoo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I don't know what's next. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Paying for my half of the ticket for jet ski (something he wanted to do anyway) is not really a present. I feel less for him now. Lately, I have been doing everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, serving etc etc. The more I do for him the less he appreciates me. This is not about money. I would have been happy with few dollars worth of gift on the day. I know that I would never not buy him a present and I'm in much worse financial situation than he is. I def can't just ignore this incident. I will talk it out with him tomorrow and go from there. I feel like moving in was a mistake. He takes me for granted so much more now. Is this true? Because last week you were arguing the opposite is true. He told you exactly what he was giving you for your bday (the jetski outing). In my perspective, that's an awesome gift! I'm having a difficult time understanding your point of view regarding the birthday gift thing.
Ross MwcFan Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Nope, no surprise. He saw that I was upset about the lack of present, I had tears in my eyes and rejected sex which I never do. It would be very cruel not to even hint at anything at that point. He just ignored me and went to sleep. I think in that situation he should have said 'Okay, I'll get you something'. To not do that seems pretty wrong. I mean, I know that he say's money is tight, but is it really so tight that he couldn't even afford a box of chocolates and a card?
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 For future reference, the time to let him know that you would be VERY furious, disappointed, losing feelings for him, withholding sex, etc. if he did not acknowledge your birthday with at least a card or a memento of some kind (even though I suspect that these would have inspired some wrath as well, but I might be mistaken) was at the time when he told you he was not getting you anything. Or, at least you should have told him RIGHT THEN that some kind of romantic and thoughtful remembrance of your birthday, even if only a card or flowers, would be tremendously meaningful for you. If he did not "hear" that, then I might be a little sympathetic to your feelings now. As it stands, I bet that he believes 100% that the trip was a very fine birthday gift and celebration. And, he probably took you out to dinner, too. My husband is the king of clueless. I have to spell things out for him a LOT. Things that would be more "meaningful" if he remembered and did on his own. But he doesn't, and it's much better for the relationship if I am clear about my hopes, desires and expectations than if I just wait for him to change while building up anger, resentment and disappointment. He gets to be a good guy instead of a bad guy, and I do get my needs met. Sure, it would be more awesome if I didn't need to be so unromantic about romantic stuff, but he is awesome, so it's worth it.
azsinglegal Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 For future reference, the time to let him know that you would be VERY furious, disappointed, losing feelings for him, withholding sex, etc. if he did not acknowledge your birthday with at least a card or a memento of some kind (even though I suspect that these would have inspired some wrath as well, but I might be mistaken) was at the time when he told you he was not getting you anything. Or, at least you should have told him RIGHT THEN that some kind of romantic and thoughtful remembrance of your birthday, even if only a card or flowers, would be tremendously meaningful for you. If he did not "hear" that, then I might be a little sympathetic to your feelings now. As it stands, I bet that he believes 100% that the trip was a very fine birthday gift and celebration. And, he probably took you out to dinner, too. My husband is the king of clueless. I have to spell things out for him a LOT. Things that would be more "meaningful" if he remembered and did on his own. But he doesn't, and it's much better for the relationship if I am clear about my hopes, desires and expectations than if I just wait for him to change while building up anger, resentment and disappointment. He gets to be a good guy instead of a bad guy, and I do get my needs met. Sure, it would be more awesome if I didn't need to be so unromantic about romantic stuff, but he is awesome, so it's worth it. I was once told by a guy friend of mine to never get mad at a guy for watching TV and ignoring you because he's not. He's only watching TV, ignoring you would require multitasking which men aren't able to do. I also expect my man to "read my mind" when I should just be spelling things out for him. It would make our lives a whole lot easier I'm sure.
Ilovewater Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Why not? He did something nice for you voluntarily. That's a present in my opinion. You said he takes you for granted, but you're doing the same. He's been treating you pretty well, such as paying for most of the expenses, and you don't appreciate it. Plus, it's 3 AM. You're getting pissed at him for not giving you a present right at midnight? Even if he has another present for you, what's wrong with waiting until daytime. Stop overreacting! Fixed the error in my post. OP, next time, you should tell him you'd appreciate something on your birthday. He's not a mind-reader. He assumed the jet ski trip is a good present since you didn't object. Make it clear what you want next time. I still don't understand how paying for your part of the jet ski trip is not a present....
mo mo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Have any of you ever heard of man-eaters? Just wondering..
LexiB Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Op, regarding the trip to see his family - jet skis and all - is this a trip you're actually excited about taking or do you really have little to no interest in this type of vacation? The distinction is really important here b/c if it's the latter (and he knows it) then yeah...it blows that he didn't at least get you a card. If however, this trip is right up your alley...and he's offered to pay all your expenses as a treat for your birthday...kinda hard to be mad at him, no? I get that you wanted something thought out for you and not merely lumped in with pre-existing plans, but his offer is a really nice gesture, nonetheless. Cut him some slack. Either way, remember you're walking on very delicate terrain telling someone you love who thinks he's been thoughtful towards you, that he's fallen short. I hope you take Carhill's last post to heart when you approach him about this.
oaks Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So he really got me nothing. I can't quite believe this. Hmm. I was wrong. I thought he would surprise you.
oaks Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I was once told by a guy friend of mine to never get mad at a guy for watching TV and ignoring you because he's not. He's only watching TV, ignoring you would require multitasking which men aren't able to do. Priceless! I'll try to remember this for the inevitable time when I'm accused of exactly this.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Plus, it's 3 AM. You're getting pissed at him for not giving you a present right at midnight? Aaargh, facepalm. It just dawned on me that all of this drama is happening because he did not give you a bountiful tribute AT MIDNIGHT on your birthday. I kind of skimmed through that part, choosing to believe that YOU waited until midnight (when your blessed day was over) before hating your boyfriend. No. It happened at 12:01. Were you actually born at 12:00 a.m. on the date of your birth? If not … it's probably not even really your birthday yet. Lordy. It's going to be a long, long and ugly day at Chez ES.
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Wait. You mean when your birthday just began at midnight? Or you mean when it ended at midnight?
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I can understand where you are coming from but I can understand where he is coming from too especially if he's always the one forking out the money and obviously shows that he cares about you on more than just one day of the year. You have to gauge whether there is a bigger problem, but so far I'd have to say I'm on his side....seems like you got things pretty good overall with how he treats you and what he pays. How would you feel if you put out funds for mostly everything and then your gf bitches at you for not getting her a cheap box of chocolates? Maybe I just don't get it as a man, but what about everything else he does? you're going to cause a fuss over a birthday?
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Actually, I think that this couple pretty much splits expenses, in everyday life.
Ilovewater Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Actually, I think that this couple pretty much splits expenses, in everyday life. A few pages ago, she said that her boyfriend pays for almost everything. We are sharing expenses for Europe trip but he bought a car for us both to use with his money. I am also not sharing expenses with him at his place (he pays all the bills, we only share food expenses - he insisted on that). He does pay for us both about 80% of the time when we go out to dinners.
OliveOyl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Wait. You mean when your birthday just began at midnight? Or you mean when it ended at midnight? If it's when your birthday just began at midnight... then I think you most definitely need to wait until your birthday is over before making this an issue. If it's at the end of your birthday, then I agree it would have been nice of him to at least get you a card and/or a token gift.
mo mo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If it's when your birthday just began at midnight... then I think you most definitely need to wait until your birthday is over before making this an issue. If it's at the end of your birthday, then I agree it would have been nice of him to at least get you a card and/or a token gift. I disagree with you and disagree with OP. In a healthy relationship, both partners realize they are part of a team. They need to work together and communicate what is going on so that the TEAM can move forward. Expenses are high, BF is already paying for almost everything, pays for a trip, and is still being accused of taking GF for granted. The GF here isn't thinking about the TEAM at all, she is being selfish and only thinking about her concerns.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 A few pages ago, she said that her boyfriend pays for almost everything. Okay, sorry. Even more … not cool.
OliveOyl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I disagree with you and disagree with OP. In a healthy relationship, both partners realize they are part of a team. They need to work together and communicate what is going on so that the TEAM can move forward. Expenses are high, BF is already paying for almost everything, pays for a trip, and is still being accused of taking GF for granted. The GF here isn't thinking about the TEAM at all, she is being selfish and only thinking about her concerns. Yes and part of being a TEAM is defining what is important to both of them. A token birthday gift or card was something that was important the OP. It matters not whether it would be important to you, or to me. I think the big problem here is that the OP didn't properly express to her BF the significance for her.
Bridgey Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 No. I am turning 33 and really, I guess I am OK with not getting a present. I hope he remembers to wish me happy birthday. I do not want to cause an argument over something silly. I should point out that the day after my birthday we are traveling interstate to meet up with his parents at a nice resort where we will spent 3 days with them. They are paying for the entire trip (they really like me). Boyfriend told me just now that he booked some activities to do while there (like jet ski and electric bike ride). I offered to pay for my half and he said "Nah, you can think of it as your bday present". So I guess that's cool. What happened to this mentality? He wished you happy birthday and even tried to give you birthday sex (and since you've been complaining about the lack of sex I would see this as a positive thing). You're turning something trivial into a huge issue. Enjoy the fact that you have a caring boyfriend on your birthday this year and turn the day into an enjoyable experience by spending some time with him. You dont have to receive a material item to enjoy your birthday.
mo mo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Yes and part of being a TEAM is defining what is important to both of them. A token birthday gift or card was something that was important the OP. It matters not whether it would be important to you, or to me. I think the big problem here is that the OP didn't properly express to her BF the significance for her. Yea see, even if it is something that is very important to her, she should have told him when he initially brought the issue up. That's called "working as a team". He may have had a discussion with her about expenses and a compromise may have had to been made, but that's what being in a relationship is all about. OP expected her BF to foresee that she would be upset even after the initial convo, which is basically disrespectful to him because he clearly spoke about the issue and why he did what he did. OP expecting him to go above and beyond even after all that just shows she is only concerned about herself, and not the team.
Ariadne Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Happy Birthday ES!!! And maybe he didn't want to buy something cheap, he'd feel bad about that maybe. He told you the trip was your bd gift, so try to see it as that. Don't feel bad about the card and stuff, many people don't think of those things. Hope you are having a good day still.
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