My Story.. it's a novel without an ending

[LostJustLost]

Ive struggled with putting my heartbreak into words for weeks, trying to find the words so my story is "on record", ya know? I want someone out there to know that for over 5 years we were real, we were as one, and I loved him with all that I am. And maybe, just maybe, if I spill all that I've held in for the last few months, someone will read it and help me figure out how to live without him.

 

Im an agoraphobe. Im 40. There is great evil out there. I do not leave my safe zone. I use to try but the panic attacks were wicked and whoever was with me had to contend with everything that goes with that. It wasn't fair to anyone. So, basically Im not "normal" but I am human.

 

My kids helped me discover the wonder of the net about 9, maybe 10 years ago. I could go anywhere, see anything, learn about everything I ever wanted to know about. I ventured on to this "kid" site with my daughter and discovered that there were as many adults as there were kids playing and they were talking about things I wanted to know about. Mainly, computers. So after lurking about reading their conversations I spoke up. No one could see me on the forums, they didn't ask anything personal, no one used their real name, totally anon. and I realized this was a whole new aspect of the world wide web. It was awesome, a little scary but awesome.

 

So couple years later I meet this guy that I am drawn to. Crazy as that sounds, it was like I had to know him but I already knew him. It didn't take long for me to know I had found a friend. At first it was a few words on a weekend. Then it was mail back and forth during the week, and then we met on instant messenger. I had to install it, I had never gotten that brave online but there was something about him..

 

It was uncomfortable but the more we talked, the safer I felt. We had so much in common, he is so shy he doesn't talk much and I dont talk at all so we had a lot to say. He is kind, considerate, logical, caring.. he is a good man. And my God that man could make me laugh like I had never laughed before. I would bust up laughing out loud and set the dogs off all the time. He was my best friend and as time went on I started feeling things that I had never felt before when we were together. I told him straight up about being a freak, I even trusted him enough to tell him what he needed to know to get the jist of what happened and what I saw at the end. We had both been alone for a very long time and altho it might seem impossible, before I knew what was happening, I was in love with him.

 

Things were pretty crazy at first. There was 1 time when he asked if there wasn't something that could be done to break the chains inside my head that I totally freaked out, to the point of not remembering what was said. He saved the conversation and reassured me that he would rather live in my world then live without me in his. It takes a LOT for me to trust, obviously but I trusted him, I believed him. In the beginning my head would spiral out of control, crazy thoughts colliding with what my heart was feeling but he would calmly talk me thru the panic and confusion as things opened up inside my soul. With his help I discovered hidden there was the woman I think I would have been if fate hadn't stepped in and changed me. With him, I was whole.

 

From there, things got more and more intense. I feel deeper and deeper in love with him. He fell deeper and deeper in love with me. We were together every morning and every night when he wasn't working. For 5 years we shared everything a couple could share short of physical contact. He knows me better than my own family.

 

Aug 20 of this year he left me an offline saying his computer was on the fritz so he was over at his dads using his quick to let me know why he wasn't around and he was heading home to work on it.

 

I left him offlines every day saying I love you, come back to me soon, as we always did when we couldn't reach each other.

 

Aug 29 - Thank the GODS I saved this one so I could look at it and feel reassured (at first, at the time little did I know it would be the last time he spoke to me) letting me know what had happened, that he loved me and would be back with me soon.

 

I didn't leave him offlines daily after that, but every once in awhile, hoping he had a good night, telling him I loved him that I missed him. I whined now and then because I was without him, I said I hoped he came back soon. I have replayed what I might have said so may times over in my head but nothing pops that might have been off.

 

Sept 20 - Im having a really tough time so I go to his facebook profile, stare at his picture, try to feel that "link" that I could always feel with him. There were dozens of friend accepted things from the game he plays there. It confused me but I figured it was because he was still having to use his brothers laptop or something and you cant go on yahoo to talk to your woman when no one knows about her, ya know? So I left him a message saying as much and told him what was going on so I felt better and left his wall, thinking ok, he cant get to yahoo but he can get here. I don't like facebook but it became a daily stop so I could look at his picture.

 

Oct 15 - My world shattered and all that I believed I had found in him with it. On his wall I saw Theory of a Deadman - Bitch Came Back (Lyrics)

 

Before that it was only friend things from the game. I dont know how long I sat here trying to understand. This.. this told me he was online after all, but had not spoken a word to me. For how long, I dont know. He knows my fears and he had always promised me that no matter what, he would not vanish. No matter what happened, if it were in his power to do so, he would tell me goodbye. In 5 years he had never broken a promise. I dont understand what could have changed. I have several days that are nothing but a jumbled mess after that. My world went black.

[LostJustLost]

How I got here

 

I guess you could say LS and one of its members accidentally saved my life.

 

I had to hide the train wreck inside me because no one here would understand. I had fallen in love with the thing I fear most. A stranger. I had no where to go with all the crushing emotions. I watch the babies during the day so I couldn't stay here and try and deal with this. At her place I would shower half a dozen times so the water could drown out the sounds of my sobbing. When I got back here the whole gambit of emotion everyone here expresses would rip thru me, consuming any positive I might have gained from being with the kids. I had spent countless nights on my knees in the darkness, crying, begging, pleading with whatever might be listening to help me, to show me how to stop the pain, to stop the tears, to help me understand, to get him to talk to me, to tell me something, anything.

 

So, Im trying to act like everythings fine but hit up my shrink who is about floored with my story. She says I cant keep hiding something like this, it will tear me apart inside. She gives me advice - avoid the computer during your usual meeting times and tells me to talk to the people online that know us. So I started doing that. It was helping but I needed more guidance, I hit up google and I found LoveShack. I didnt join, I read. I just wanted to find a way to exist.

 

Then came a couple questions I didnt want to discuss on a public site so my friend asked me to talk on G-talk.

 

I went there knowing I had gmail but it didnt dawn on me (thanks xanex) that the reason I had it was back in 07 he had to use his dads computer for a couple weeks and it didnt have yahoo so we talked there. I had completely forgotten. I get there and there are all these messages and I screamed OH MY GOD He IS trying to talk to me and without looking, without thinking, I clicked the bottom one.

 

It talked of undying love and devotion. Of acceptance and understanding. The one I clicked on said "Now that I've found you, Xxxxx, NOTHING will ever take you away from me" That is the one line that seared into my brain before I bolted from my desk.

 

It hit me so f'ing hard, I ran out back, choking on my own screams and threw up. I have never felt emotional pain that was so physically crippling in my life. I cried and cried and cried, every promise, every touch, every moment we shared for the past 5 years came rushing back. I know it's hard to understand but even tho we never "met" this man was everything to me. Everything.

 

Then, like a light switch, I knew what I had to do. I was calm, the sobs were instantly silent. There was only one way out. I came back in, went to the cabinet and took out a handgun. It was warm, like an old blanket, and really light in my hand which is totally backwards but I swear to God it was. I came over here to my desk and started writing out a letter to my family. I was half way thru it when I glanced up and LS was one of the tabs open on my browser. I had the gun in my lap and I thought "You should join.. someone should know you existed, that you were real" So I clicked it and saw a post about a chat room. I went there and there was this guy who I had never spoken to and he talked to me.

 

No one but me knows how close I came to doing something that would have hurt everyone I care about. I sure as hell wasnt going to say anything, but I didnt walk away from my desk either. I told him I was lost. He pointed me to his story. He listened as I tried to tell him mine. He said things that made sense in a way. By the time he excused himself to go smoke the weapon in my lap had grown really heavy and cold to the touch. I put it away.

 

So, here I am. Living? Not yet, but Im existing and haven't had anything like that happen again. I still don't understand. I would beg him to please, just talk to me, tell me goodbye so I can let him go. I dont need to know the whys, Im sure anyone who's read this rambling novel knows the whys. I just dont understand how we got to this place. Somehow a broken computer and some time offline cost me my lover, my confidant, my sanctuary, my best friend.

 

Now I put my pleas on the NC topic here instead. I dont know if I can always do that, I miss him so much I still cant breathe most of the time and he was such an intricut part of my life.. I could always talk to him, tell him everything. I would give everything to have just one more conversation. I really would.

[BardoPond]

I really can't even believe that someone could do that to be honest. The way he's left it is disgraceful. I think what you really need to do now is realise that the things you've achieved with him and the positive steps that you took with him were FOR him not BECAUSE of him, you seem to believe that you have more to lose than the average person by getting close to someone but the only thing that is different is your situation (although I don't claim to know the whole story by any means). I've just had my heart broken and so have many people on this forum and nobody finds it easy to really open up and let someone in to the point where they can cause this much hurt but I really hope in time you'll realise as I am beginning to that you can't let it stop you. In the face of what these people do to us the best way to do it is to be as stubborn and ignorant to the possibility of defeat as possible. I'm more determined than I've ever been in my life to get up and move forward, I'm still having set backs and I'm still dealing with things but I can't let that stop me now because if people like us fade out than the world is only going to have people like that left and I couldn't in good conscience do that.

 

My jaw honestly hit the floor at the end there, I'm glad you chose to stick with us. I'm sorry this post didn't get more attention to be honest and I'm sorry I didn't reply right away but I wasn't quite sure how to answer. If it makes any difference it's made the last two months (possibly the worst of my life) completely worth while knowing that you're still here at the end of it. Hopefully people will start chiming in when this gets bumped from my comment but I'm glad you got your story out either way. Did getting it out make you feel any better?

[ladyravenloft]

I just went through something similar myself, OP. Met while gaming, inseperable for two years, then poof. He vanishes without a word why. Found out by accident about his gf that he started seeing a couple of months ago without telling me.

 

I don't understand why people do this. It is incomprehensible to me how, if you ever cared about another person, you could decide to not be honest with them, chosing instead to just leave a crater in their heart by taking the coward's way out of things.

 

I know it is hard to believe now but it DOES get easier. Always remember that you are the better person and all this means is that there is someone much better out there for you. I have faith you will find him. If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me.

[LostJustLost]

My jaw honestly hit the floor at the end there, I'm glad you chose to stick with us. I'm sorry this post didn't get more attention to be honest and I'm sorry I didn't reply right away but I wasn't quite sure how to answer. If it makes any difference it's made the last two months (possibly the worst of my life) completely worth while knowing that you're still here at the end of it. Hopefully people will start chiming in when this gets bumped from my comment but I'm glad you got your story out either way. Did getting it out make you feel any better?

 

Sorry about that, wasn't easy to admit to what happened but I thought maybe if somebody else was at that dark place inside, they might remember reading what I had to say and come here instead of doing something they can't take back.

 

As for my reason for writing it all down, I didn't expect any replies, not on here, there really isn't much a person could say. It doesn't make sense, there aren't any answers, not if he doesn't step up and email me or something and speak his mind. I practically live in the coping section now, reading everything I can so I keep breathing.

 

I hope y'all are doing ok. And telling my story.. it was more like a public diary entry for me, Im not sure how I feel about putting it out there other than proof that Im real, my love for him is real, we were real. At least to me we were. I've done that now - that's a good thing.

 

I just went through something similar myself, OP. Met while gaming, inseperable for two years, then poof. He vanishes without a word why. Found out by accident about his gf that he started seeing a couple of months ago without telling me.

 

I don't understand why people do this. It is incomprehensible to me how, if you ever cared about another person, you could decide to not be honest with them, chosing instead to just leave a crater in their heart by taking the coward's way out of things.

 

I know it is hard to believe now but it DOES get easier. Always remember that you are the better person and all this means is that there is someone much better out there for you. I have faith you will find him. If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me.

 

Hello. I don't know how to contact anyone on here, I just know how to use the forums but if yall have some time some evening, I would love to know how you kept going, how to stop the questions that spiral out of control in your head.

 

Were there any warning signs? Was there any hint that he was silently walking out of your life? Did y'all constantly question yourself, trying to figure out what you did wrong? Soooooo many questions.

[ladyravenloft]

 

Hello. I don't know how to contact anyone on here, I just know how to use the forums but if yall have some time some evening, I would love to know how you kept going, how to stop the questions that spiral out of control in your head.

 

Were there any warning signs? Was there any hint that he was silently walking out of your life? Did y'all constantly question yourself, trying to figure out what you did wrong? Soooooo many questions.

 

Hi there. The only warning sign would have been he had to start working longer hours (or so he said), because he was doing overtime to earn money quickly for car repair expenses. Turns out it was to pay for an airline ticket for the other woman to fly to Finland from Canada.

 

Yes, I questioned myself ALOT after things came to a head. I wondered if I said or did something to cause this (this was before I found out about the other woman). I wondered if I wasn't offering him enough love or attention, if I should have engaged in more of the.....er.....intimate Skype sessions he seemed to enjoy having with me, all of that sort of thing.

 

His absolute NC left me stunned because that was the one thing he swore he would never do; disappear without a word. I did every thing from tell him how bad it hurt me, to offer to make ammends for sins I was unaware I had done. Never heard a word back. .

 

Once I found out about his other woman and how he'd been with her for months before he vanished on me, I realized how much power and control I had given him over me and my thoughts. It is hard but I've been forcing myself to stop thinking of him. Every time I start to think of him, I force myself to think or do something else. I've blocked him from ever contacting me again, and I daily tell myself (often several times a day) that I am an intelligent, beautiful woman that is deserving of someone much better than him.