How can a man just forget a year and a half?

[Faith3132]

My ex-boyfriend and I had been having some issues for the past two months because the company he worked for was being taken over and he wasn’t sure he would have a job. Work is probably the most important thing to him and he really started to doubt himself and what he was doing. He started focusing totally on work, I guess trying to prove to the company (and the new company) that he was indispensable. And he really is. His work ethic is something to be admired. However, he let our relationship slide. I began to feel neglected and harped on him. I tried to understand because I knew how important work was. But if you don’t keep up with your relationship and the woman that will see you through anything, things will obviously began to fall apart.

 

Let me first say that we come from totally different backgrounds. He was my first love, first of everything actually, and I totally devoted my whole self to him and our relationship. Which obviously became a mistake as he saw me as being totally dependent and not having a life of my own. He also thought it odd that he was my first big relationship. And I admit, I did lose myself to love him. But again, I had never had this before and was completely happy to devote myself to him. But he is incredibly independent, and I think I stifled him. This is becoming random, but to throw in another quick fact, my Dad was a big ole cheater. And my ex-boyfriend was the biggest flirt in the world. So I was terrified that he would cheat on me. I even created scenarios in my head about it. He always said you are the one I come home to, even if I do flirt. I think my insecurity and my dependency were major contributors to our downfall.

 

But about two weeks ago, he started staying out really late “working.” He works where we live, so I would go down to the garage and he’d be talking, to buddies or to this girl. I had never seen her before, but apparently she had a lot more in common with him than I did. And of course it made me angry that he was too busy to come eat the dinner I cooked for him, but he could talk to her for an hour.

 

A week ago, everything came to a head. I blurted out, “do you have some boxes” not even really meaning it. Because I never would have left him. I love him too much. But he said that it was probably best that I moved out. Then he went down to some resident party and didn’t come home by midnight. So I went down there (everything had been left up in the air, so I wasn’t even sure what was happening exactly between us) and I saw that girl hanging all over him. I just spied for a couple of hours and eventually I caught them kissing. And it was like a knife in my back and through my heart. They were both obviously drunk, but still. It’s like the Ross and Rachel thing, I guess he considered that we were broken up or “on a break,” but I’m still living in our home and not knowing what the h*** is going on. So I took that as a supreme act of betrayal.

 

I went home, packed my stuff, and moved out the next day. I said to him repeatedly, how could you do that when you know that is the ultimate act of betrayal to me, and he turned it around on me saying that I decided to move out. Again-I never would have left if I hadn’t caught him kissing her!!

 

We still live on the same property and I was coming home the other night and saw him leaving in his truck with her. That enraged me. The next morning I went over to get the rest of my stuff and I guess I went a little psychotic. She had slept over in our home, with our dog probably snuggled up between them…and it just hurt so much. I asked him again, does the last year and a half not mean anything? How can you be sleeping with someone else already?!?! He said you know I still love you and care for you, but I’m moving on and this is the way I move on. How can men do that? My heart is broken in a million pieces and I cannot stop picturing the two of them together. And yet, he just moves on. How does that work??

[Faith3132]

Also-you may wonder, as I did, if the thing with that girl was going on before we broke up. He said absolutely not, and I believe him. He would have broken up with me before he would have cheated on me. But still...I'm just so heartbroken. How do I get the image of them out of my head? How do I move on? How can he not realize that no one will put up with the s*** I did? I was so good to him and we loved each other so much. Talked about kids, marriage, our future home...how does someone just lock that all away so quickly?? And now he has lost his job (within the same week we broke up) and my heart breaks for him. He doesn't deserve this...I just need some advice. How do you mend a broken heart? And how the crap do men move on so quickly?!?!?

[azgirl]

Faith:

That's what I would like to know, too. How the crap do men move on so quickly?????? Mine seems like he's ready to never see me again - tough s*** for him cuz we live together, but so cold and nasty as if I wronged HIM. Yet two weeks ago, I had a candlelit bubblebath waiting for him when he got home from a long day at work. (Yeah- that's the kind of girlfriend I was!) And we talked about our trip together to go to Michigan to meet my family!!! A week and a half ago he told me "I love you. You know I do."

 

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and for being furious with him. His behavior was unacceptable! At least I know (or think I do) that mine is not messing around with another girl. I addressed that last night. I told him that we should have enough respect for one another not to bring other guys/girls home. He said he wasn't even thinking about seeing other people right now. Course what do I know? A week and a half ago, he told me he loves me. Now - he says he doesn't feel that way about me. I don't understand men, either, honey and I think your ex was very disrespectful to bring that girl home before you were completely moved out! That's ridiculous!!!

[beautiful]

Faith.....Men do not forget and just move on. Men have feelings just like we do. They hurt just like we do.

 

It is all about honesty and healthy communication on both sides.

 

I was reading your post very carefully and I see that you making a lot of "excuses" for "his poor behavior".

 

In a healthy relationship two people are still individuals. That means you do not ever love him more than you love yourself. Being so dependent on a man is ill minded and men do not like that and it will drive a man away for sure.

 

The same goes for women if men are so dependent on them. No healthy relationship can survive this kind of behavior in fact there is a name for it and it is called " Codependent".

 

When a man loves you in a healthy way and you are giving him your all there is nothing left to give to yourself. After a while you feel resentment towards him because you are not getting back what you give. How could you? It is impossible to do. That will kill any relationship.

 

It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do but what matters is your own behavior. Take some time and take care of you and find out why you are allowing yourself to be so consumed by a man. Learn to make yourself happy and don't put this burden on your partner and expect to get healthy feelings from him.

 

Unless you learn to love and respect yourself first, there is no way you will have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

 

Good luck

[Faith3132]

Thanks for the replies guys. I had my closure last night. He basically told me he never wanted to see me again and that he was dating this new girl, and I needed to move on. And you're right, I was making excuses for his behavior. He was my first serious relationship and I overlooked everything he did that made me unhappy and all of our differences because I so desperately wanted to be loved. He was a jacka**, but I also gave him the worst part of me in a relationship. I didn't know how to be in a relationship without losing myself. And now I know better. And looking back, yes we loved each other, yes we had a good run, but I know now that it never would have lasted. I've been deluding myself for months. And his comments last night just solidified what I guess I've known for a while. It doesn't make the hurt go away any faster or easier, but it does provide a certain amount of anger that seems to be helping at getting rid of the hurt faster. Now I need to focus on getting over my own insecurities and becoming happy with myself, so one day I can be happy with someone else. Thanks again guys. Also-I know this guy is capable of huge emotions, and I guessed it just ticked me off that I saw him cry at seemingly insignificant other things, yet he seemed to not care at all that we were breaking up. But I see now that he's just using this girl to forget about me and to prove to me that he is attractive to other women. And if that's the way he chooses to move on, so be it. It's not my concern anymore. At least I'm being healthy and dealing with my feelings, you can only push things under the rug for so long...And he'll be in for a rude awakening when he finally deals with his feelings.

[doubledown]

Sounds like you've already learned a few important lessons, people are capable of anything at any time. And two, never trust anyone 100% when it comes to relationships.

 

 

The best thing now, is move out, move far away, and move on. Don't date right away because 90% of the reasons are to get even with him, don't sink to his level.

 

Lose contact with him forever, no calls, no IM, no email, nothing. He'll come crawling back when his new girl dumps him, but be strong and move on completely, he already has. That should tell you how much you mean to him.

[Faith3132]

You're right doubledown. The only solace I have is that I know he did deeply love me and before we broke up he told me that he always would, and that he didn't know if he would ever find someone else who could put up with him like I did and who he could talk to like he could to me. I guess I chose not to remember that better part of our break up. But he is just not mature enough, and come to think of it, I probably am not either, to be in a relationship at this point. But things have just turned too ugly to ever contemplate renewing our relationship somewhere down the road if he were to finally realize what he gave up. And in hindsight, like I said above, I know now that things wouldn't have worked out long-term with us. We're too different and approach life too differently. I'm getting better. It's just hard to let go after a year and a half with a person. Him being an a**hole won't help me get over him any faster, in reality, but it sure helps me to move on and begin the process of letting go. Up until last night, I was holding on to the idea that we would reconcile and that was stupid. It's time to move on. And he lost his job and will be moving soon, so that will be a definite help to not see him around the property!! I had to give up our dog too, which hurts a lot as well, but joint custody won't work out!! Feel free to keep writing. It's really nice to have objective opinions. And it always helps to vent and feel like someone is listening. Thanks...

[tom_gbr]

im gonna stick up for the guys here and say that not all guys move on that quickly....its been three months since my ex finished with me and so far i have only kissed another girl....and that felt a bit strange and it made me miss my ex.

 

i cant believe he did that to you he doesnt sound even worth bothering about....what i have have learnt is that people can change suddenley....my ex certainly did.... the week before she finished it she kept sayin that she loved me and that she couldnt wait for the holidays as we could spend so much time together....then she finished it.

 

im now angry with her...angry that she could treat me this way...she said that she wanted to come out of this being friends but its obvious now that she didnt mean it at all as so far since the break up its been me initiating all the contact and what type of friendship is that?

 

its obvious she doesnt care anymore....i did so much for this girl and its like she has forgotten about me already.

 

im just hoping i can meet someone who will love me and appreciate me just as much...and even more than my ex did...i have so much to give and i hope i will be able to meet someone that i have feelings for that are as strong as my feelings were for my ex

[KelBel]

Hey All it's been a couple of weeks since i had been to the site. My ex of 7 years broke up with me on April 25, it was totally unexpected by all. Everyone thought we were going to get married back in October we even moved into a home that we bought together. Anways when he first broke up he said his heart just wasn't in it anymore, he didn't long to be with me, didn't have that burning desire in him. He was starting an out of town project again for work and he said he could go 3 or 4 days with out missing me. Then when I'd say I guess that's it then....he'd say common you never know. If we're meant to be we'll get back together and he said but I don't want you to wait either hoping that we get back together in case we don't.

Anyways I wrote him a feeling on May 17 expressing all my feelings of the whole scenario. How unexpected it was and did he have cold feet or something.

I got his reply lett back and I had to phone him right after for about 5 minutes cause there was some disturbin news. He said that he was always faithful to me and it hurt him for doubting that. He said we have to look at all the good stuff and look forward to the future. He said he's really happy now and has met a new girl. They went out on their first date on May 11 and he just had the nerve to tell me now. Even though I had asked him last wednesday and he said there was no one else, so he lied straight to my face. He told me to be happy for him and to move on. That he will never be coming back. yet this is the same guy who says never say never. I phoned him as a reaction to ask about the girl and he said that she works in the city where he is out of town 2 weeks at a time and they've seen eachother every day since the 11th and are intimate, having sex that is. He said she has long brown hair dark eyes and really pretty. He says that he wants me to be happy for him and he wants us to be friends. I mean there was no sign of us breaking up until wam that night...and now in 1 month he's allready been in a 2 week long relationship. Also for May long weekend (this past weekend) I was out of town and he had the nerve to bring this girl back home and has had sex with her and went on 2 double dates withhis best friend. I don't understand how he can be moving on so quickly. He said he was unhappy for a long time and really tried making things work. I guess we'll just never be again and I've never heard him be so confident in his life. He says that he just doesn't feel like I'm his soul mate anymore. that what we had was great but move on. He enjoys spending time with this new girl and it's done nothing but shatter my self esteem...cause I feel like she must be so much prettier then me and more successful in the working worl (cause she's 2 years older) and she just must have a great personality and I don't. He says I deserve to be treated like the princess that I am. He says he wants to have me as a friend then no to have me in his life at all. Is that him not being freaking selfish. I hope this new girl eventually crushes him like he did me so he understands the pain. What sucks is I can't picture my life wihtout him and for how happy he is with this new girl I wonder if she is THE one? Please help I sitll didn't even completely explain how close we were before the breakup..but lets just say we were planning on purchasing a dog and he said he was close to wanting to marry me last fall but for some reason never did. He said he was just comfortable with me...that he loves me as a best friend and not IN love with me. Well is he so confident now just because he has someone else?

[KelBel]

Hey I just wanted to rename this to get people to read and help if possible. I feel so lost and feel completely betrayed, mis treated, and ifnored.

[Faith3132]

I know all guys aren't like that Tom. I think it is the person who dumps you and breaks your heart that you constantly wonder "why," "how," "is it me," etc. Rather it be a girl or a guy. It just seemed to me that guys seem to be able to move on so much quicker. But after reading these posts, I realize that is not true. There are some sensitive guys out there who are hurting as much as I am and questioning their relationship and ultimately, themself. And that is the worst thing to do. Nothing is wrong with us. If a relationship is going along smoothly and all of the sudden BAM he/she breaks up with you, there a couple of options. Obviously they have found someone new, changed their outlook on life, or realized that you aren't what they want. And I still find it hard to believe that stuff can occur with a "bam." Because how can you decide in hours that you don't want to be with a person who you have professed to love for years? It just doesn't make sense to me. No sense at all.

But what I'm trying to remember and to concentrate on is that it isn't me that was wrong. He just decided that we weren't right together, for whatever reason. And as long as I keep hanging on, rehashing things in my head, and staying angry/bitter, then I continue to let him win. I continue to let him take up a large part of my heart/brain that he does not deserve to have. If he is capable of shacking up with some bimbo four days after we break up, then he obviously doesn't give two shi*s about me, or is pretending not to at least. But you know, I'm not going to play into that. He is going to have to face his issues with breaking up with me someday, and I sure as heck am not going to wait around until he realizes what he gave up. That's not fair to me. If this is the way he chooses to "move on" (I hate that phrase) then so be it. It hurts like he**. It really does. And as angry as I am, it's not going to erase the hurt. One of my favorite shows, "Sex and the City" (which by the way, watching episodes really helps you gain a perspective about relationships..not that all of us screw multiple people in NYC...but the girls invariably come up with something profound every episode that any person trying to forge their way through single/couple life can relate to), but anyway, I think it was Charlotte who said that it takes half the time you were in a relationship to grieve properly and get over that relationship. We were together 15 months, so I guess I have about 71/2 months to go before I can put him officially behind me. Kelbel-I can't even imagine the 3 1/2 years you have. It's so hard. And you know, you'll never forget. But these relationships are what shape you and make you that much of a better well-rounded person for the next relationship. Don't let him bring you down Kelbel or anyone reading this. Don't let the person who broke your heart bring you down. Give in to the pain and let yourself grieve, it's the only way you'll be able to move on. But don't replay nasty images of them in your head, or rehash conversations or situations, or harbor such anger and bitterness that it consumes you. If your significant other let go of you and moved on so easily, then don't give them the satisfaction of letting them keep a hold on you and your heart. We are all better than that. And I think we all know that deep down.

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by azgirl

Faith:

That's what I would like to know, too. How the crap do men move on so quickly?????? Mine seems like he's ready to never see me again - tough s*** for him cuz we live together, but so cold and nasty as if I wronged HIM. Yet two weeks ago, I had a candlelit bubblebath waiting for him when he got home from a long day at work. (Yeah- that's the kind of girlfriend I was!) And we talked about our trip together to go to Michigan to meet my family!!! A week and a half ago he told me "I love you. You know I do."

 

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and for being furious with him. His behavior was unacceptable! At least I know (or think I do) that mine is not messing around with another girl. I addressed that last night. I told him that we should have enough respect for one another not to bring other guys/girls home. He said he wasn't even thinking about seeing other people right now. Course what do I know? A week and a half ago, he told me he loves me. Now - he says he doesn't feel that way about me. I don't understand men, either, honey and I think your ex was very disrespectful to bring that girl home before you were completely moved out! That's ridiculous!!!

i just dont see how he moved on so quickly...its ridiculous

[Faith3132]

Originally posted by meanttolive4ever

i just dont see how he moved on so quickly...its ridiculous

 

Me either my friend, me either.