mynahbird Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 i can't believe i am here. I've been married for eight years, and found out he has been having an affair for almost a year. I was using our computer and found some emails from between them. I can't believe the things they said in them. He told her all kinds of things about how we are just like room mates. This is not true. Her answers back told him he deserved better and he should leave me while he was still young enough to enjoy himself and not waste any more time on me, since we don't have the passion they do for each other. I'm so angry that i left our place and am staying at a friends until I calm down a bit.I'm so mad at him, at her, at myself. I should have seen this long before now, but everything seemed fine. We were even talking about buying our first house. I don't know what to do next. I confronted him, but tried to be calm and told him I needed time to think. He says he wants things to work out between us, but part of me wants to tell him to go to her.If he thinks I am so bad, why would he even want to be with me anyway? What did I do wrong? I tried to be a good wife. My friend has been through this before, and she is trying to help, but i don't want to put too much on her. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do.
Steen719 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 You need to realize that it was his decision to have an affair and so regardless of the problems that he sees the two of you had together, he is to blame for the affair. Don't let him make you think that you did something to cause it. He could have and should have been honest with you about what ever problems he perceived. Do not automatically assume that you should have known. I was blindsided the first time and when people told me my XH must be having an affair, I did not believe them. It wasn't until an attorney asked me "where the cookie was" that I decided she might be right. Many people on here, both H and W, had no idea and when posters on here try to tell them to look for another person, they are adamant that their spouse would never do that, only to come back and say it was true. (The 2nd time, I was smarter and knew something was up...stupid man ) You did not say if you had kids. That makes it harder to make a decision. He should be the one to make things right. An affair for a year is a pretty long time. How often did they see each other? Did he say he loved her? What was his reaction? Take some time to see how you feel about it. It is hard when you don't know why things went bad. I was like that the first time (7 years into the marriage and a child). I could not imagine why he did it. We had sex regularly, I thought we were happy. Turns out I was...he was...well...whatever he was. Sorry and I think you will have good posters give you some good advice and at least you can post here to vent so as not to "wear out" your friend. I know how that is, too. Keep your chin up.
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) i can't believe i am here. I've been married for eight years, and found out he has been having an affair for almost a year. I was using our computer and found some emails from between them. I can't believe the things they said in them. He told her all kinds of things about how we are just like room mates. This is not true. Her answers back told him he deserved better and he should leave me while he was still young enough to enjoy himself and not waste any more time on me, since we don't have the passion they do for each other. Talk to him. Ask him outright why he told her that stuff? I'm so angry that i left our place and am staying at a friends until I calm down a bit.I'm so mad at him, at her, at myself. I should have seen this long before now, but everything seemed fine. We were even talking about buying our first house. Good. Be mad..At him and at her, but remember, she isn't the source of the problem, he probably lied to her ALOT and she fell for it because she let her emotions take over and made it seem like they had a 'chance'. Some men are scummy that way. He is the one who you married and have to deal with. yes, she should have walked away knowing he was married, she's far from innocent in all this being his affair partner and all, but know that he has lied to her/lead her on. Maybe considering talking to her? See what she says. There's always three sides to a story... The truth is usually somewhere down the middle. Forget the house. Focus on getting through the next few days..Rely on your friends and family to help you through this.. Take time to think and only talk to him when YOU feel ready to. He gets no say now on how this goes. I don't know what to do next. I confronted him, but tried to be calm and told him I needed time to think. He says he wants things to work out between us, but part of me wants to tell him to go to her.If he thinks I am so bad, why would he even want to be with me anyway? Ask him why he wants to work things out with you when it seems like he wants her? He even said in the emails that he felt like you two were roommates. Ask him exactly what you said (bolded part)! Two things. 1. He lied to her because, he can! He exaggerated things and made him look like the poor victim and made it seem like the marriage wasn't good. Ask him why he didn't come talk to you if he felt unhappy? Why did he chose to cheat? 2. He lied to you (obviously) pretended all was okay, he manipulated and played a "part" so he could keep the A going and stay married. Chances are, he never had any intention of actually leaving you, he was/is just a selfish man who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. YOu found out the truth and now he's minimizing it all, like it meant nothing. He is NOT thinking at all, he's caught up in own shi.t he believes.. I bet he's been lying to himself too. What did I do wrong? I tried to be a good wife. My friend has been through this before, and she is trying to help, but i don't want to put too much on her. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't force him to cheat, he did that all on his own. He chose to betray you (for a year) and live a continuous lie. He is broken and has issues. If he felt there were issues in the marriage he should have spoken to you, not close the door and run into the arms of another woman. Don't make any major decisions right now. Sorry you're hurting. Edited November 29, 2011 by whichwayisup
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think the more relevant question to ask is why were you with him in the first place? another question is why are you whining? If you weren't interested in trash you might not be in this situation. You're getting what you deserve for making a bad decision. enjoy! Out of line!!! Cheaters hide things well. How was she to know he was trash if he showed no signs. What an ass you are. This woman pours her heart out looking for help and you step on her even more. Class act really. Bravo!
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Doesn't matter if he showed no signs. He's still trash and she chose him. If you drive drunk and get arrested for DUI, is the cop who stopped you responsible? No. Is the judge who hands down the sentence responsible? No. The driver is. Well, she's the driver and was under the influence of stupid while picking a man. Enough said. She is not the driver he is. He is the one who did wrong. He is the one who choose to have an affair. I am sure if he asked her for permission she would have said no. He is the one at fault not her.
frozensprouts Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Doesn't matter if he showed no signs. He's still trash and she chose him. If you drive drunk and get arrested for DUI, is the cop who stopped you responsible? No. Is the judge who hands down the sentence responsible? No. The driver is. Well, she's the driver and was under the influence of stupid while picking a man. Enough said. she may have chosen someone who wasn't that great...but please explain to the rest of us poor souls who are not as enlightened as yourself how does one know if the person they are considering getting married to is "trash"? please tell us what the signs are Mynahbird...ignore him, he's just being a jerk. I know you're hurting, but take some time and really think about what you want to do. You have some time away from your husband right now... give your self some time to calm down before you decide anything
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