robaday Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Hi, Im reading the book The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and one thing stood out about how people attract people with similar levels of self esteem. Ive heard the theory before but its something that is very relevant to me right now. To explain I have just come out of a long term relationship. The girl I was with was extremely insecure. There were guilt trips, screaming phone calls, and extreme jealousy. Thing is, while I put this as her problem I realized I was also the same, and became more like her as the relationship went on. Slowly, I became more and more jealous myself, irrational and temperamental. She had such limited self awareness that she could not see that her behavior had been the same and her love for me slowly turned to disgust, as I grew weaker, quieter and less prone to stand up for myself. Im posting this to see other experiences. Also, to ask advice on how I can improve my self esteem to such an extent that it is unhakeable in long term relationships. In addition, how can I avoid picking the wrong woman again?
FitChick Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 "There are no victims, only volunteers." It's one thing to meet a man who abuses you physically or emotionally once and you get away, but you see certain women dating these guys over and over and over. It's like they both have Victim/Victimizer radar to find each other. I told a friend "I've never dated or even met a violent alcoholic yet every guy you go out with seems to be one or turns into one." See my signature.
Author robaday Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Your right. In my case my first relationship was with a time pressured professional who was very secure in herself. She did not have time to ponder whether I was cheating. Ill admit my self esteem wasnt great and I fell for her in a big way. She just wasnt that into me, which sucks. The second girl, I had done a lot of work on myself since the first break up. But, this one was the polar opposite - needy, passionate and craving love. I guess I took on the rescuer role without consciously doing so. I started secure in myself, confident I had 100% self esteem. But I was never enough for her and just became quiet, resentful and eventually angry. She was obsessed with me, but I soon fell off that pedestal. I posted it because I am interested in others experiences - do they attract people with similar levels of self esteem? how has this played out? (i.e. one distant but secretly craving love, the other obsessively chasing?) or (both lacking in self esteem and frequent power plays - manipulation, guilt trips, ultimatums, distancing etc).
jobaba Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 My last girlfriend had nowhere near the self esteem issues I had at the time, and she took advantage of that by taking control of the relationship and being insensitive, which in retrospect was somewhat my fault for being such a wuss. Also, good looking supremely confident dudes absolutely prey on average to above average looking women who have insecurity issues. It's like shooting ducks in a pond. So I'm not sure that theory is 100% correct, but there's some validity to it. In general, the more confident each person is, and feels like they don't need to be with the other person but wants to be with them, the better off it is methinks.
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