sandybeaches Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) A few years ago, I met a guy online who was in the US on a temporary visa. We met a few months before he had to back to his country so I held back from him emotionally. We only dated a weeks before one day he stopped returning me calls. It hurt and I tried a few times to figure out what happened but he never responded. A few months after he went back he friend requested me on Facebook. I kept it light as I didn’t want to get hurt. Sloiwly he started to regain my trust. We spent hours together online. We continued to get closer. I kept wanting to go visit him but he kept saying the timing wasn’t good. One day he told me he loved me. I was over the moon as I loved him too. This September I finally went to see him and spent two weeks with him. I had a magical time with him. He was so romantic and attentive. We both cried out eyes out on the airport. I truly felt like he was the man for me. I missed him like crazy but felt we could find a way to be together. So, about a week after my vacation I’m on Twitter and it suggests people to follow. Imagine my surpise when I saw a woman’s profile photo – it was of the two of them. She posted about 30 pictures all together of the two of them. From her Tweets I learned she flew in from her country and spent a week with him. She left the day I flew in. She also has a public blog where she posts pictures and talks about him and how he is her “prince charming.” I lost it and sent him a dozen emails asking what was going on. I was really hurt, angry and upset. He didn’t contact me for three days. When he did, he denied anything happened with her. He said she was there on business and he had to watch out for her. It wasn’t his fault she had feelings for him. He also turned it around on me and said I should have trusted him and ignored what this girl wrote. He didn’t even acknowledge why I was upset. He then blocked me on facebook. I was friendly with a woman who was his friend and roommate (I met her on his Facebook wall. It wasn't a friendship where we talked about men, etc so that's why neither of us knew about the other and him). She went to visit him in his country and they had some sort of falling out - I never asked what happened . I wrote to her when this happened and just came out and asked her what happened with them. She said he came out one day and told he he loved her and wanted to marry her, etc. For a full year she talked to him almost every day - and not just him. Sometimes she talked to his entire family or he'd talk to hers. He sent her hand written love letters. Keep in mind, this was all going on while he was telling me he loved me. At the time I thought she was visiting him as a friend. NO! She stayed with him and his family for two months. They treated her like she was his fiance. His mother showed her how to cook him his favorite meals. They asked her if she wanted children. They talked about their future. So she leaves thinking this is the beginning of her life with him ... SHE NEVER HEARS FROM HIM AGAIN!!!! She honestly thought he was dead or injured for months. She had his family's phone number and she'd leave them desperate message but nothing. Eventually she realized he was not dead .. but you can imagine the pain this poor woman went through. Before they fell in love, they were best friends for two years. Her family knew and loved him. She was so happy to hear from me because for over a year, she blamed herself for what happened. That she could cause the man she loved and her best friend to just leave her without a word. So here we are two women who loved the same man helping each other get over being betrayed by him. I'm nowhere any closer to finding the answers and I still have pangs when I think of the good times. I'm trying to move on ..but how can you keep your heart open to love but also be cautious? Can you ever know? Edited November 28, 2011 by sandybeaches
Author sandybeaches Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Hi ... I didn't get any replies but I did get some views so I hope you all don't mind it I add to my story. I know that things would never, ever work with this man for many reasons. He has history of cheating, he lacks empathy, he can never admit he is wrong ... I know that him cutting me off was the best think he could ever have done for me. He broke contact with me in a way that makes it easy for me to do NC. But ... the other woman haunts me. Everything is an open book - her Facebook, blog, twitter. I know I shouldn't but I check because I want to hear he is miserable and he is still the same rat he was with me. And I check because I need more assurance that it wasn't me, that he could never be faithful or honest with any woman. Yet she is still building shrines to him online, still calling him her prince charming. It's not FAIR. I also resent her in some way because if she had been more discreet, I never would have known what was going on with them. She didn't even trust him - according to her blog, she had a friend call him pretending to be someone else to get information on him but that is A-ok. Yet when I confront him about this woman I get reprimanded and dumped. Part of my insecurity is that she could be accepted into his family in a way I never could be. They are the same religion, she is younger than he is (I'm 11 years older) and she is a virgin. I feel like he told me things that weren't true just to mess with me. I don't know what he was getting out of it. He never asked for money or a green card. He just did it because he could. I need someone to talk some sense into me.
Sustugriel Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 To be honest, it sounds like this man you both fell for has severe boundary issues. He doesn't know how to say no even to things he doesn't want. You reinforced this in my mind when you said he can't be held accountable for anything in your second post. I for one could never hurt a woman like that, let alone two. I think you should save yourself the emotional strife and find a man who isn't going to treat his women like disposable objects. Trust me, there are some out there.
Author sandybeaches Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate hearing things from a man's point of view. With my friend, he told her his family had arranged a marriage for him but he didn't want it, he wanted to marry her. I think - and she does too - that he had her come to his country and meet his family as his fiancee to get his family off his back. Then he probably made up some excuse, most likely that she called it off. This gave him the ability to be the wounded party. He's 35 and in his country, that is pretty old to be unmarried. His family is very traditional and conservative. His sister didn't date and had an arranged marriage. I suppose it is possible that he doesn't ever want to settle down but is being pressured by his family/culture. I wondered if perhaps he was gay and that is unacceptable in his culture. I think of I understood what his motivation was, I'd be able to have peace. I'm just so confused.
Milocat Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Wow. You really dodged a bullet here. Thank goodness for you! Who cares why this guy did what he did? You will probably never know for sure the nitty gritty details. Just know his douchiness is not worth your time or worry. Please for the love of pete.... if he contacts you again....see him for what he is... a waste of your precious time!
Author sandybeaches Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) My friends tell me the same thing ... that I am so lucky that this happened and that the universe gave me a HUGE gift. They also pointed out that if a DID trust him, I wouldn't have snooped. It's just hard to understand why it was so easy for him to walk away. He acts like he never told me he loved me or wanted to be with me. He is making me doubt my reality. Did I just dream all of this? If I hurt a stranger - I'd feel terrible, never mind if it is someone I love. How can some people just shrug this off? Edited December 1, 2011 by sandybeaches
Milocat Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 My friends tell me the same thing ... that I am so lucky that this happened and that the universe gave me a HUGE gift. They also pointed out that if a DID trust him, I wouldn't have snooped. It's just hard to understand why it was so easy for him to walk away. He acts like he never told me he loved me or wanted to be with me. He is making me doubt my reality. Did I just dream all of this? If I hurt a stranger - I'd feel terrible, never mind if it is someone I love. How can some people just shrug this off? Sociopaths are very capable of it in my experience. It doesn't mean they didn't love you. But when they are through with you filling a need for them, thats it, thats all she wrote. This guy sounds like he has many qualities of a sociopath.
Author sandybeaches Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Milocat, I was thinking that too but I know it is easy to label someone a sociopath. It makes me crazy that he has an endless supply of women to dupe. He purposely looks for women in countries other than his own (as I mentioned, we dated when he was here), which really is odd. I have trouble dating someone one state over. Relationships are hard enough, why would you go in knowing this is going to be a big issue.
Recommended Posts