ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I think there are 2 types of people, ones that are naturally monogamous and ones that aren't. Right, but can they be happy in relationships when they are cheating? I don't get that. I always thought if a person cheats it was because he or she was not happy in their committed relationship. Maybe they can be happy, but they want variety as well?
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I think monogamy is possible, but it's up to both people to keep things exciting. I have friends that get married and are miserable because they expect there partners to keep up all the work and to keep them interested when really shouldn't both sides be putting in some work. Of course there will be times when it will be one sided but as long as you try that means a lot. Then I have friends who have awesome relationships and just enjoy one another, they accept their flaws and move on with the days. I'll choose that!
Titania22 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Right, but can they be happy in relationships when they are cheating? I don't get that. I always thought if a person cheats it was because he or she was not happy in their committed relationship. Maybe they can be happy, but they want variety as well? Actually i think a person who is NOT naturally monogamous would be more happy in a relationship if they were getting a bit on the side, then they would be if they weren't. I don't think we can assume they would be consumed with guilt, as they probably wouldn't feel that they were doing anything wrong.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Actually i think a person who is NOT naturally monogamous would be more happy in a relationship if they were getting a bit on the side, then they would be if they weren't. I don't think we can assume they would be consumed with guilt, as they probably wouldn't feel that they were doing anything wrong. The guilt would eat me alive. I don't know how they do it. I guess they justify it somehow. Like "I pay the bills and am the bread winner, so I deserve a side piece." Something along those lines. So ridiculous, but I can see how some would think that way.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I think monogamy is possible, but it's up to both people to keep things exciting. I have friends that get married and are miserable because they expect there partners to keep up all the work and to keep them interested when really shouldn't both sides be putting in some work. Of course there will be times when it will be one sided but as long as you try that means a lot. Then I have friends who have awesome relationships and just enjoy one another, they accept their flaws and move on with the days. I'll choose that! For some monogamy is not possible though. Some people are just born cheaters. Like my married friend. He needs to spread his seed far and wide. It's just his nature. I know that sounds dumb, but he's that type of guy. He needs to sleep with many different women. The only reason he stays with his wife is because they have children and "it's cheaper to keep her" as he says.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 People who tend to value commitment tend to invest themselves in other things in life as well. I don't date men for any extended period of time who don't value commitment. It takes very little time to weed them out... doesn't even involve '20 questions' or anything like that. These people: a) have solid, long-term friendships b) have good relationships with their family c) are not bitter about the ups and downs in life d) persevere in the face of adversity d) are rare...
TheFinalWord Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 People who tend to value commitment tend to invest themselves in other things in life as well. I don't date men for any extended period of time who don't value commitment. It takes very little time to weed them out... doesn't even involve '20 questions' or anything like that. These people: a) have solid, long-term friendships b) have good relationships with their family c) are not bitter about the ups and downs in life d) persevere in the face of adversity d) are rare... Well put! I think a lot of men do what they have seen modeled in their lives. Do they come from a family background that has a tendency towards commitment? For example, my mom and dad have been married 30+ years. For me, I value and long for commitment mainly because I have seen the benefits of it directly modeled in my life. I'm not saying you have to have this to value and want marriage, but it can help explain some of their reasoning. For women longing for commitment, I do not understand why you tolerate non-commitment from a guy. There are plenty of men out there that value and want it too. I suppose you have feelings and are holding out. Typically, a man is not going to change. What you see is what you get. If he cannot commit to you after years (or months depending on your standards) of being with you, that tells me a lot about his decision making abilities in general. It also tells me how much he values your companionship. Know that most guys will not commit if they do not see a need too. For example, if they are getting gf/wife (sex, favors, taking care of him) benefits from you, why commit? He's already getting all the goods with no strings attached.
Elysian Powder Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 People who tend to value commitment tend to invest themselves in other things in life as well. I don't date men for any extended period of time who don't value commitment. It takes very little time to weed them out... doesn't even involve '20 questions' or anything like that. These people: a) have solid, long-term friendships b) have good relationships with their family c) are not bitter about the ups and downs in lif d) persevere in the face of adversity d) are rare... I have all of that, and more. My longest FwB lasted 1 week. Life is so short and there are so many women to have fun with. what's next, Mr. Clooney was raped by mommy since he's enjoying life? I live in a house by the sea with 10 guys I've been best friends with since HS. All day long we surf, workout, play sports, video games, and hit the club. I am committed. to my happiness .
keepdancin Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I blame online dating. People seem to feel like they can go pick up a new person to date like picking up a carton of milk from the grocery store. Online dating is causing weird ego sky rockets and tailspins. It is too easy to just go online and have a date by next Friday without even leaving the house to find it. It seems people treat dating like employment now and online dating is making this possible. People look over resumés, interview, and then let their dates intern, and unless they are FRICKING PERFECT, they may send them on their way and hire another after the internship is over. It is also how much of the employment market is these days too. People will put up with a lot of BS at a job that they don't love because at least the job wants them fulltime and vice versa, employers expect you to put up with a lot of BS, because they know there are plenty of folks out there who would kill for your job... kinda ugly, eh?
LoveAshley Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 It seems like the only ones who will commit are the slightly or more insecure types of men who are scared that some other guy might get a piece, so they will go for a title. Very little do I see guys who just sincerely want to be with one woman because he is satisfied with only her.
ShannonMI Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I have all of that, and more. My longest FwB lasted 1 week. Life is so short and there are so many women to have fun with. what's next, Mr. Clooney was raped by mommy since he's enjoying life? I live in a house by the sea with 10 guys I've been best friends with since HS. All day long we surf, workout, play sports, video games, and hit the club. I am committed. to my happiness . And you are wildly self centered. Are you going to be a bachelor forever? Even when you are 80? Will you be a lonely old man who can't get it up anymore and with no woman by your side? Good luck to you.
El Brujo Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 speaking more about men, but I'm sure they would say the same...maybe?! But lately the men I am meeting and my friends are meeting are just not ready, not wanting, or just avoiding a committed relationship in general. I'm seeing all ages and all stages of life. Yet they want us all to act like we are in a relationship but NO "title". Anyone else running into this more often. Are there just to many options these days? I'm confused I think it's because since the 60s, we're all obsessed with being #1 and to hell with everyone else. There are plenty of men who just want sex with no love at all, so they can win---what? A medal? A place in the record books? There are plenty of women who want to avoid relationships at all, so they can be empresses of their own little universes---for what? Just to show off? The house is divided against itself, and it's already collapsed.
Elysian Powder Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 And you are wildly self centered. the proper way to put it is to say that I'm a strong, independent man. I don't need anyone. Are you going to be a bachelor forever? Smart people tend to stay smart until death. I have a perfect life. No way I'd give it for obligations, responsibilities, drama, alimony, baldness, child-support, no sex, mortgages, debt and no freedom. Even when you are 80? yap. If I lose the looks, I'll hire hookers . Will you be a lonely old man How can I be lonely? I enjoy my mates company, but I'm perfectly fine on my own. who can't get it up anymore and with no woman by your side? Good luck to you. By the time I'm 80 impotence will be a thing from the long past. And perfected Virtual sex will be around .
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 And you know who lets this happen? The women. If men couldn't have sex with women outside of relationships, then more men would commit. Why expect a man to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? Exactly! Once upon a time, if a man wanted to have sex, he would need a girlfriend (or a wife). These days, so many women are willing to have sex without any kind of commitment. So men are taking advantage of it. Women are giving it all away for free, and then wondering why men won't give anything in return. The answer should be obvious: Because they don't have to! That's why I have a rule for myself: No sex outside of committed relationships. I'm not using sex as a bartering tool, I'm not trying to manipulate anyone, I'm not withholding sex as a punishment...I just have boundaries and the self-respect to enforce them. And you know what? I've never had this problem of men stringing me along, refusing to commit. Because I don't allow it. I've made it impossible for men to take advantage of me. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then I don't want to have sex with him. Simple as that. We go our separate ways and no one gets hurt. This works for me. I'd only want to have sex with a man who is proud to call himself my boyfriend, who values me and our relationship, and who treats me with respect. I have no desire to be intimate with a man who doesn't value me enough to commit to me.
LoveAshley Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Exactly! Once upon a time, if a man wanted to have sex, he would need a girlfriend (or a wife). These days, so many women are willing to have sex without any kind of commitment. So men are taking advantage of it. Women are giving it all away for free, and then wondering why men won't give anything in return. The answer should be obvious: Because they don't have to! That's why I have a rule for myself: No sex outside of committed relationships. I'm not using sex as a bartering tool, I'm not trying to manipulate anyone, I'm not withholding sex as a punishment...I just have boundaries and the self-respect to enforce them. And you know what? I've never had this problem of men stringing me along, refusing to commit. Because I don't allow it. I've made it impossible for men to take advantage of me. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then I don't want to have sex with him. Simple as that. We go our separate ways and no one gets hurt. This works for me. I'd only want to have sex with a man who is proud to call himself my boyfriend, who values me and our relationship, and who treats me with respect. I have no desire to be intimate with a man who doesn't value me enough to commit to me. I feel the exact same. I could have written this post myself.
Woggle Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I prefer to have a woman in my life but a man is not lonely just because he prefers a life without commitment. George Clooney, Simon Cowell and Bill Maher don't seem like unhappy men. Being a woman's husband is not the end all and be all of life. Also women are not giving away anything. They choose to have casual sex. There are plenty of relationship minded men out there but if you choose to sleep with the players don't get mad when you get what they give. You can't get mad because you order a pizza and don't get chinese.
Elysian Powder Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Exactly! Once upon a time, if a man wanted to have sex, he would need a girlfriend (or a wife). These days, so many women are willing to have sex without any kind of commitment. So men are taking advantage of it. Women are giving it all away for free, and then wondering why men won't give anything in return. The answer should be obvious: Because they don't have to! That's why I have a rule for myself: No sex outside of committed relationships. I'm not using sex as a bartering tool, I'm not trying to manipulate anyone, I'm not withholding sex as a punishment...I just have boundaries and the self-respect to enforce them. And you know what? I've never had this problem of men stringing me along, refusing to commit. Because I don't allow it. I've made it impossible for men to take advantage of me. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then I don't want to have sex with him. Simple as that. We go our separate ways and no one gets hurt. This works for me. I'd only want to have sex with a man who is proud to call himself my boyfriend, who values me and our relationship, and who treats me with respect. I have no desire to be intimate with a man who doesn't value me enough to commit to me. It's fine, guys. For every woman like this one, trading male attention for sex, 1000 women are putting out for free. Monogamous sex is akin to old age; so boring.
TheFinalWord Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 It seems like the only ones who will commit are the slightly or more insecure types of men who are scared that some other guy might get a piece, so they will go for a title. Very little do I see guys who just sincerely want to be with one woman because he is satisfied with only her. If a guy is in love with you he will commit. If he's in lust with you, probably not. Big difference For him to fall in love, sex is necessary (at some point) but not sufficient. He also needs his other needs satisfied, for example feeling respected, built up from the woman as opposed to torn down. Most of the time I have found the girls I have loved know how to talk to me the right way. In other words, they respect my opinion (even if they don't agree) and know how to speak strength into my spirit. When she talks to me, I feel revitalized and strong. It kind of goes with the saying, "behind every successful man is a good woman". If you can talk to a man in the right way and satisfy his caveman needs lol (sex, cook him a meal) he'll be hooked One thing I've noticed is a lot of the girls talk about insecure guys...just an inside tip, YOU women have the ability to change that! There is not a lot you can change about a man, but his confidence is one of them. It can be done through your words. It's a trait all women possess. I would encourage you to hone it! It's very powerful and will snag his heart Good luck!
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 It's fine, guys. For every woman like this one, trading male attention for sex, 1000 women are putting out for free. Monogamous sex is akin to old age; so boring. Hahaha, you never know, it might be catching on. More and more women are hearing about this self-respect thing and they like the sound of it. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
MrNate 2.0 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 There's a few things at play here. First, the hookup/'me first' culture is alive and well. Relationships are no longer required for sex, as most men can now get plenty of this without being in one. So this scratches off one need to be in a relationship. Second, most emotional needs can typically be satisfied by friends/family. This scratches off another perceived benefit to get in one. Also throw in the fact that while the idea of marriage/relationships are dying a slow death, more and more people do not feel like putting all that emotional energy in, when they can get most of their needs satisfied without being in one. So it comes down to what do you actually get out of a relationship that you can't get while not being in one? The truth is not much, and more men are waking up to that fact. They can get plenty of sex, affection, care outside of one, so why devote themselves to one person? I do believe there are men out there that value commitment, but those numbers are undoubtedly dwindling, as the perceived benefits of being in a relationship are dwindling. This is now world we live in.
LilMissMovinOn Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) by saying options I meant...waiting for the next best thing I've been dealing with a guy for 9 months, and have 3 friends that have been all going through the same. I'm just baffled. And yes I agree the whole defining of a relationship and a title makes dating complicated. If you like someone and spend time with them, like communicating with them, having sex with them and so on what's the big deal. So you break up if it doesn't work. I'd rather give something a go then just give up on nothing. Wild wild west ...what are you doing in your situation. I feel the same. I thought we were free to go about our lives seperatly or together since he wasn't ready, but he says he would be upset if I was out and about flirting or dating. WTH Shall we just sit around and wait for them to be "ready"? Under no circumstances sit around and wait for anyone to be 'ready' to make a proper commitment to you. If you want marriage, date multiple people at the time same time (aka circular dating) and be open with all parties that you will keep dating others (but not neccessarily having sex with them) until such time as you meet someone compatible, whom you not only develop reciprocated love, but whom is also willing to give you what you want in the area of commitment. If someone is genuinely upset about the idea of you dating other people (because they realise the high risk of losing you rather than because they wish to take you off the market and put you in a holding pattern without actually giving you want - a selfish ploy which meets the needs of the uncommited party only - not you) you will find what you are looking for soon enough. The trick to this is that you absolutely MUST keep dating other people similtaneously until you really do find what you're looking for. When a guy knows by either words or actions that you're willing to be exclusive with him without the commitment you want in place you take away the need for him to commit in order to keep you. Try starting things off with a chat to the current fella explaining what you intend to do and why. Honesty is always the best policy. He wont like the news (because you are turning the tables on him by forcing him, at some point, to choose - i.e. commit or lose you), but he will respect your honesty. Men known that most women who have never married seek marriage and you are totally within your rights to say "sorry but there is a change of game plan & I refuse to make myself exclusive with you if you are not willing to give me what I want and need to feel secure in our relationship for the long haul." Good luck!! Edited November 29, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Lonely Ronin Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Is it just me, or does anyone else think the people on this thread saying the only reason for being in a relationship is sex, have never actually had one?
Elysian Powder Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Is it just me, or does anyone else think the people on this thread saying the only reason for being in a relationship is sex, have never actually had one? Is it just me, or you are a bad salesman?
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Is it just me, or does anyone else think the people on this thread saying the only reason for being in a relationship is sex, have never actually had one? Who said the only reason for being in a relationship is sex? What people are saying is, sex used to be one of the benefits of being in a relationship, but now men can enjoy that benefit without being in a relationship. So they are. And a lot of women resent it. But those same women have the power to stop it, so I don't know what they're complaining about. I don't think anyone would be in a committed relationship just for sex. It's too much work and it would fall apart pretty quick, as soon as one person realized they were getting used. That's why waiting is a great way to weed out the guys who just want sex. They're not gonna wait around, and they're sure as hell not gonna put in the effort that a relationship requires.
Lonely Ronin Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 No one has directly said it's the only reason, but several have implied it's a significant reason. Who said the only reason for being in a relationship is sex? What people are saying is, sex used to be one of the benefits of being in a relationship, but now men can enjoy that benefit without being in a relationship. So they are. And a lot of women resent it. But those same women have the power to stop it, so I don't know what they're complaining about
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