bolase Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) A month ago, I met this guy at a volunteering gig that a friend and I do every week. We hit it off straight away, although I became cautious after our mutual friend told me that he had a girlfriend overseas from whom he was on a long "break".. Anyway he ended up making a move and taking me on an amazingly fun date in a beautiful national park - it was a dream. He told me that his girlfriend and him had broken up, but would see where each other was in a year and in the meantime they were open to other people, so he and I both agreed to go with the flow and hang out again. Because he needed a place for a couple of days when moving houses, I offered, on the date (mistake...big mistake I now know, but at the time it just seemed like the right thing to do) to let him stay with me as I have a big place and live by myself. The first of these nights was very innocent and cute, we slept separately - but on the second, we cuddled after drinking quite a bit. Actually, he really tried to go straight to having sex. We didn't end up having sex. A red flag came up, it took the following day to fully realise it - but he wasnt into ANY foreplay or fooing around apart from making out. In the middle of that night we made out again and this time he was really aggressive... I ended up going down on him, which is out of character for me and I stil dont know why I did it - I have never done this with anyone except for a couple of ex boyfriends (I am 25). He does nothing to let me know he appreciated this - maybe he didn't, or it made him lose respect, but I made a mistake. We don't text for the next 3 days: nothing. At this point I assume that it's a random thing that we will both move on from and I don't want anything more - I like to take my time and he was way too impatient, a bad listener and just wanted one thing. My mutual friend then tells me that his (ex??) girlfriend is coming to the city we live in to visit him, as a relative died and she needs comfort. He tells our mutual friend that he needs to explain this to me... I text him on the 5th night after this to pre-empt any talk about his girlfriend and to be honest myself, saying "Hey, hope you're well (etc) - Listen, friends? I hope so... And perhaps we can hang out soon or I'll see you (next time we volunteer together). And his response is what has really upset me - I think I'm being oversensitive definitely, but I'm also sad. He writes back, sarcastically saying how hurt he is, that Im such a heartbreaker, and don't I like him? He will try to get over it soon... in a smartass way. Then texts and hour later saying he would like to go for a drink and talk. Right then I was unsure whether he was being genuine or sarcastic because I was genuine myself, and I figured he would be relieved by my suggestion of friendship if he was going to officially call it off with me due to his ex/girlfriend's visit. Instead I explained to him that we jsut had different approaches that woudlnt work, and he said "I was just joking around. talk to you when you've calmed down tomorrow". wtf? What I would like to know is why a guy would respond like that? It seems pretty immature to me. Edited November 28, 2011 by bolase
cherrylips Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 He probably responded in a defensive way because your instinct was right--he either is still in a relationship with his ex or trying to rebound. Instead of playing along with whatever little game he was trying to play, you called him on it and he lashed out. you're better off to ignore him
DearAbby Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I don't know about his response. Text sometimes screws up the tone and intent because its written and not spoken. He could have been joking. But, then he asks you to meet and talk. Which seems like he is genuine? Maybe. Usually when anything physical happens too soon it just ends up screwing everything up because no emotional connection is there. Since you will see him again volunteering, maybe go and talk. However, I don't think you should take him too seriously and perhaps, chalk this experience up to experience and move on. And to the poster who said nasty things to her, you are an idiot. Don't listen to them.
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Cherrylips has it right... they are not history yet...
D-Lish Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 You've just ignored one red flag after another... You know he has an ex very much in the picture. He's sexually aggressive and impatient. He ignored you after he got what he wanted from you. You had to chase him down for answers. He actually told you "I'll talk to you after you calm down" ... (Whoa). I wouldn't even want to be friends with a person like this, let alone date them.
Author bolase Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 D-Lish f*** that response, honestly. I don't want to date or be friends with this guy, my question was about his sarcasm. It shouldn't be an opportunity for you to patronise someone. I know that I made a mistake and we haven't seen each other since, however I do have to see him in future. And no, I believed that his ex was not "very much" in the picture, nor did he "get what he wanted" from me. I texted him asking if we were cool to pre-empt his telling me about his ex; not exactly chasing him down... Thanks for the insight all, I will keep space between us and hope for the best..
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 And his response is what has really upset me - I think I'm being oversensitive definitely, but I'm also sad. He writes back, sarcastically saying how hurt he is, that Im such a heartbreaker, and don't I like him? He will try to get over it soon... in a smartass way. He is playing you. This guy is full of shi,.t! Seriously don't waste another minute on him, even as a friend. He lied to you, used you and now he's being an ass.hole to you. Why you ask? Because he can! Some guys go into ass.hole mode to piss off a woman, it's their way of handling a situation where they know a 'talk' is coming..So they become a dikhead. This way you end it and not him. Stay away from this guy, he's so not worth it.
insertnamehere Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 It's "push-pull". It's a deliberate psychological technique that's meant to rattle you off your foundation so he can then make another aggressive move. He's way past a player. He's a ****in pro at it from what I'm hearing here. It sounds like he hit his mark. He's already gotten you to do something sexually you normally wouldn't. It sounds also like you're open to seeing him again. As long as you stick around, he's going to keep intentionally jerking you around in the hope that you become overly emotional. The goal is to get you so worked up and so used to chasing him that eventually the only way to keep him is to let him do what he wants. My advice? Get away. He's got serious game. More ominous, he's laid down a credible "but I told you" argument for the day he bolts. There's a lot to worry about and little to like here.
Author bolase Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 thanks, I didn't think of him being that much of a player - more self-serving, but I agree with you! He texted last night again still with the sarcasm, saying 'I wouldn't dare ask you about meeting up for a drink, I would come across as a stalker, right?' wtf, as though I would respond. Today however I'm thinking of saying something to let him I know that I don't like his behavior, because we will see each other on the weekend. Except I'm so angry it might come out something like 'As soon as you've finished playing at being whiny sarcastic bitch." i think this type of guy doesn't want women to treat him nicely and genuinely, but thats the only way I would like to. Is that too strong?
WhiteChocolate Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 In my experience, super sarcastic guys tend to be slightly bitter at heart. You are caught; be nice and politely ignore him, and he will label you a frigid bitch. Be a bitch, and this might escalate to something extremely hateful and dramatic. Personally I would not show I had received that text at all. If he confronts you whenever you HAVE to meet, say something very neutral and nonaggressive and noncommital, and make sure there are other people around. I don't think he really wants you to be mean to him; he just has too many personal issues to know how to treat people right. This from someone who has experience dealing with a bitchy friend for years.
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