ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I am heartbroken. I have caught my boyfriend lying to me several times over the last year and a half. He has lied about conversations he's had with co-workers about our personal relationship (i.e. the problems we have, my "issues") but it's made it's way back to me and he acts "dumb" until finally he admits that's he's shared these things. He's lied about locations of dinner with his friends and who is there/who isn't. And most recently he lied about email contact he had with a student of his (he's a professor) by "doctoring" an email he forwarded to me in order to "show" me that the email had been sent on a specific date. He changed both the date and minor contents of the email to support his lie. The student is a young 20 yr old who has a crush on him, flirts with him in front of me though he denies it. She is now asking to work with him on a project - I objected, he agreed to it behind my back and when I called him out on it he forwarded me a modified email to show me that the communication was recent & "kosher". He said I force him to lie because I am always in "persecution" mode... I caught him on his first lie 3 weeks into the relationship, 1 year and a half ago. He's right in that I have had trust issues since then... Am I enabling the lies?? He's 53 and I'm 39.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I really can't tell if the guy is just a lair or you are so controlling that he is forced to lie to keep the peace. Maybe both.... and I'm betting the two issues feed each other.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I wonder if you're right.... If his early lies prompted my frequent questioning. For 6 months now we have been in indiv therapy addressing the trust issues/lying and promised each other no more pushing each other's buttons. That is why I am so heart broken that he's done it again.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 You're probably better off without that kind of relationship in your life. It may hurt a lot right now to end things, but it will likely hurt a lot less in the future if you are able to... In my experience, trust can't grow when it's already damaged and transgressions are still being made.............. but it can sure as hell deteriorate more and more. Sounds like you should try putting all of your energy into yourself right now.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 He said I force him to lie because I am always in "persecution" mode... I caught him on his first lie 3 weeks into the relationship, 1 year and a half ago. He's right in that I have had trust issues since then... Am I enabling the lies?? He's 53 and I'm 39. This is something common I see in discussion between men and women. The instance that the way a woman reacts "forces" a man to lie to her. But the reality is, the choice a man or woman makes is ultimately always theirs and is completely seperate from how their partner decides to behave themselves. If you know your partner is going to be upset about something, it never excuses you lying to them to appease them. And men that think it does, are showing a lack of emotional health on their part. So by him holding you accountable for how he, as a grown adult, has decided to behave, is really a big/huge/glaring red sign. Now you very well might have trust issues and if you do, that's something on you to work on. However, your trust issues are not a reason for him to lie to you to keep the peace. And it does seem like he is hiding things from you.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I am heartbroken. I have caught my boyfriend lying to me several times over the last year and a half. He has lied about conversations he's had with co-workers about our personal relationship (i.e. the problems we have, my "issues") but it's made it's way back to me and he acts "dumb" until finally he admits that's he's shared these things. He's lied about locations of dinner with his friends and who is there/who isn't. And most recently he lied about email contact he had with a student of his (he's a professor) by "doctoring" an email he forwarded to me in order to "show" me that the email had been sent on a specific date. He changed both the date and minor contents of the email to support his lie. The student is a young 20 yr old who has a crush on him, flirts with him in front of me though he denies it. She is now asking to work with him on a project - I objected, he agreed to it behind my back and when I called him out on it he forwarded me a modified email to show me that the communication was recent & "kosher". He said I force him to lie because I am always in "persecution" mode... I caught him on his first lie 3 weeks into the relationship, 1 year and a half ago. He's right in that I have had trust issues since then... Am I enabling the lies?? He's 53 and I'm 39. Ugh!! Grounds for dismissal. That's all I can say. Why does he lie? Does he have good reason or does he just do it? Like some people are compulsive liars and some believe the sh*t they lie about. Is this relationship with the student innocent? It sure doesn't sound like it if he's altering emails. He's 53 and he's messing around with a 20 year old girl possibly? Yuck. Time to move on. A year and a half is awhile, but you deserve better then this.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks, DY. I am so sad about this, it seems as though our issues have gotten the best of us... My heart breaks to think that he is still lying to me.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Do you know his relationship history ShiningEyes?
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Yes, he was married 20 yrs, is in process of divorce... Says they feel out of love, no infidelity until he met me. We met while they were discussing a separation, he shortly after he moved out.
azsinglegal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Ugh!! Grounds for dismissal. That's all I can say. Why does he lie? Does he have good reason or does he just do it? Like some people are compulsive liars and some believe the sh*t they lie about. Is this relationship with the student innocent? It sure doesn't sound like it if he's altering emails. He's 53 and he's messing around with a 20 year old girl possibly? Yuck. Time to move on. A year and a half is awhile, but you deserve better then this. ^^ Agree Changing a time/date stamp on an email at work is enough to get you fired, I'd think it's enough to get you dumped, especially changing the content. Btw...I'd like to know *how* you knew he changed the email if he forwarded it to you? Are you hacked into his email and reading it?
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 ^^ Agree Changing a time/date stamp on an email at work is enough to get you fired, I'd think it's enough to get you dumped, especially changing the content. Btw...I'd like to know *how* you knew he changed the email if he forwarded it to you? Are you hacked into his email and reading it? There should be no need to change the content of the email if it was "kosher" or innocent. Period. The guy is a liar and a fraud. I'd dump him before you waste anymore years with him.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 No - I could tell that there was inconsistency between the time/date on the email and the content... So I asked him to show me the original, he refused to at first, then lost his cool because he started shaking and stumbling with his words. It was obvious he had lied at that point so he stopped trying to put up a front and showed it to me.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 No - I could tell that there was inconsistency between the time/date on the email and the content... So I asked him to show me the original, he refused to at first, then lost his cool because he started shaking and stumbling with his words. It was obvious he had lied at that point so he stopped trying to put up a front and showed it to me. LIAR!!! Girl, you need to move on. I know it hurts, but you don't deserve this sack of sh*t.
azsinglegal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 There should be no need to change the content of the email if it was "kosher" or innocent. Period. The guy is a liar and a fraud. I'd dump him before you waste anymore years with him. Oh....I wasn't disagreeing with you by any means. Sorry...liar liar pants on fire.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 LIAR!!! Girl, you need to move on. I know it hurts, but you don't deserve this sack of sh*t. I think you're right... sad, very sad.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I think you're right... sad, very sad. I know it's sad, but just think of how sad you will be if you stay with him knowing he's a liar and a cheat. I would be miserable. There is just so much ignoring you can do before you can't anymore. I think you've reached that point.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Oh....I wasn't disagreeing with you by any means. Sorry...liar liar pants on fire. I know you weren't disagreeing. I just had to reiterate my previous post. I think OP gets it now though. The guy is a liar. She deserves someone better.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks, ladies. He's recently been offered a job in another state and last month asked me to quite my job and go with him... Leaving my job and friends behind for a situation in which I'd have to look for new work since he's the one w/ an offer. I am sooo glad that I am coming into this realization about him now just before making life-changing decisions just to follow him... Ufff.
ShannonMI Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks, ladies. He's recently been offered a job in another state and last month asked me to quite my job and go with him... Leaving my job and friends behind for a situation in which I'd have to look for new work since he's the one w/ an offer. I am sooo glad that I am coming into this realization about him now just before making life-changing decisions just to follow him... Ufff. Wow thank God you found this stuff out BEFORE you moved. That would have been a tough thing. Up rooting yourself when he's not worth it. And how convenient he'll be in another state. You won't have to worry about running into him. That's always a pain.
azsinglegal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks, ladies. He's recently been offered a job in another state and last month asked me to quite my job and go with him... Leaving my job and friends behind for a situation in which I'd have to look for new work since he's the one w/ an offer. I am sooo glad that I am coming into this realization about him now just before making life-changing decisions just to follow him... Ufff. Don't go. He's a liar. Let him find out that he can't keep up with a 20 yr old. What he's doing is for his ego. You should find a much younger man and flaunt him around the ex.
Author ShiningEyes Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Do any of you think he could change???
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Oh my... Shining, it's very unlikely. It's possible, if he truly wanted to................... but it would probably take a lot of work and time and dedication on his part........ and you'd have to prepare for "mistakes" along the way........ etc........ I don't think it's wise to hope for such a thing....... but it's your life.
azsinglegal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Do any of you think he could change??? And here is the biggest mistake all women make (me included) thinking we can change a man. You know the answer is no. Sounds now like you're trying to rationalize his behavior because you don't want to end it. Which is perfectly normal. But...be logical for a minute, emotions aside. Is this guy fulfilling your "needs"? Not wants. Seriously think about that for a while. Is this incident (or others) enough to overlook for the good of the relationship? Personally, it sounds like he has no respect for you and I couldn't be with someone like that. But everyone's level of respect is different. Write a pro/con list. Put it on paper. See what weighs out what and be logical, not emotional about it. That's what I do when I need to make a decision.
ShannonMI Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Do any of you think he could change??? He's 53. There is no changing a man that old. Sorry.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 It's very unlikely that he will change. But lets say he could change for the sake of argument. Then he would need to show you that before you made big life altering choices such as quiting your job and leaving behind family and friends. But in all honesty, I wouldn't put much stock in this man based on what you've shared with us.
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