AHardDaysNight Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 LoveAshley, why did you break up with the nice guy? Why are you with the alpha male now? If you answered these questions, perhaps we'd get a handle on why nice guys (truly nice guys, not fake ones!) are passed up all the time.
jobaba Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've been told that I'm a nice guy, but I don't view that as the reason why I'm single. I am single because I am socially anxious and awkward, I am out of shape physically, and I have low self esteem. Being nice has nothing to do with it! Yep. The term nice guy is really useless. A few girls who rejected me came at me with the, "I think you're a nice guy, but..." While a girlfriend of mine told me once, "I'm dating you because you're supposed to be a nice guy." More to the point, you cannot be a wuss, pushover, passive type. Watch the movie Boomerang. David Allen Grier's character epitomizes the wuss, nice guy type. Also, great movie IMO for illustrating how the dating game works.
Oxy Moronovich Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Translation: OP doesn't like nice guys and wishes the piggish guys who make her wet were nice to her, instead of treating her like trash. She's only the 376th girl this week to post this. So true. This guy is currently your BF and the other guy is your ex so maybe he has a point. Agreed.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Excellent response Chess. As for the dumb twits on the thread, there are two kinds of men.....those who treat you well, and those who treat you like crap. If you're with the losers that treat you like crap, then that's what appeals to you.....and frankly it's what you deserve as well. I agree. Most of the women who keep going back for this treatment are exactly where they want to be. I don't get it but whatever floats their boat.
Meeks7 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I agree with topic creator. It's attitude. So-called nice guys become *******s when it doesn't work out for them. To me that's just their true colors shining. A genuinely nice person, even after not getting what he or she wants, will simply move on and wish the other person well. It's also a sign of maturity vs. immaturity.
somedude81 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 So-called nice guys become *******s when it doesn't work out for them. To me that's just their true colors shining. A genuinely nice person, even after not getting what he or she wants, will simply move on and wish the other person well. It's also a sign of maturity vs. immaturity. I disagree. The frustration and anger really build up after repeated rejections. It just gets too hard to take everything in stride. I'm only human.
Meeks7 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I disagree. The frustration and anger really build up after repeated rejections. It just gets too hard to take everything in stride. I'm only human. I found out a long time ago, when my brother died when I was 12, that life is NOT fair. Yes, we're only humans. But as humans we also have a choice. We can wallow in our own self-pity, or we can choose to pick ourselves up after falling down. Wholigan's post is good. We all need an outlet. Mine is being one with nature. I also like to draw. It helps to calm my nerves.
grkBoy Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 its not on point. shes talking about a jerk pretending to be a nice guy. But my viewpoint in the DATING SENSE is that a "nice guy" is just a blanket term for all the guys who simply aren't seen as "attractive" by women because they don't present themselves well in many aspects. Most of the time these guys are just insecure doormats who think showering a woman with kindness and worship will win them a girlfriend. Then...when the girl rejects him, some of these guys turn into a**holes. They'll cause drama and spew hate on her because she rejected him. Some "nice guys" will run home to cry, be depressed, and come here to complain...but others will just turn into angry little brats. That's the "nice guy" who really isn't nice or kind or good at all. What I still keep pushing on here is men who can't get dates need to become what women really want. They want the bad boy or handsome masculine man who oozes confidence, is loose and carefree, has fun, isn't insecure, dresses well and carries himself well, is established... ...BUT...his personality is that he loves women, respects women, believes in commitment and monogamy, and can handle conflict rationally and logically...even if she can't. Some might say this doesn't sound fair, but life isn't meant to be fair. My point has always been if you're being constantly rejected, then make drastic changes to become the man these women want. Don't just think becoming a bonna-fide jerk will win you women.
grkBoy Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 you even know what a nice guy is. gals want jerks. life isnt fair translates to you have a hot gf and i don't. You can spend your life crying about how unfair life is and how you can't get a girl...or you can find yourself, fulfill yourself in life, then take some chances and get what you really want. I'm not trying to be a "jerk" as you think I am. You're seemingly thinking any guy who gets the girl is a jerk. I was a doormat nice guy. I really was. I spent my 20s getting rejected or ending up with headcases. I didn't get laid that much at all. It was only in my 30s that I found myself, figured out how to love myself and make myself happy in life, and then with my newfound clarity and sense of happiness...I just happened to meet not just a girl, but the right girl. You can't spend your life complaining about this. Believe me, from experience I know it won't do squat. You need to first see the "jerk chasers" for who they really are, or keep thinking that all men who get girls are jerks and keep wallowing in self-pity.
Chris3131 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Hey GrKBoy good interesting post. Do you have Yahoo IM or a way to get in touch? I'm kind of in the same boat as you were and could use some advice or help/advice. Message me ndfan1320 on yahoo.
irc333 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think the only time the whole "nice guy" thing irritates me is the fact on every other profile I see on a dating site with a HEADLINER stating "Where are all the NICE GUYS!" "Looking for a good hearted guy!" "Aren't there any NICE men out there?" That used to be my que to thinkg, "Hey, I'm a nice guy, THIS woman seems to be having major problems meeting jerks....I'll come to her RESCUE!! Because I'm a nice guY!!" Then....no response. Then it occured to me later, that any woman stating this in their profile.....just likes the jerks. They say they opposite of what they deep down are attracted to.
somedude81 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 You can spend your life crying about how unfair life is and how you can't get a girl...or you can find yourself, fulfill yourself in life, then take some chances and get what you really want. I'm not trying to be a "jerk" as you think I am. You're seemingly thinking any guy who gets the girl is a jerk. I was a doormat nice guy. I really was. I spent my 20s getting rejected or ending up with headcases. I didn't get laid that much at all. It was only in my 30s that I found myself, figured out how to love myself and make myself happy in life, and then with my newfound clarity and sense of happiness...I just happened to meet not just a girl, but the right girl. You can't spend your life complaining about this. Believe me, from experience I know it won't do squat. You need to first see the "jerk chasers" for who they really are, or keep thinking that all men who get girls are jerks and keep wallowing in self-pity. The problem I have is that even if one "found myself, figured out how to love myself and make myself happy in life," they could still end up being alone. The way I see your story, you just got lucky. You met a girl who seemed right for you and she happened to like you back. That could have happened for you in your 20's. About every other year, I meet a girl who I feel is the "right girl." I fall for her and she rejects me. Having a girl like you is all about luck and mine's never been good. Then...when the girl rejects him, some of these guys turn into a**holes. They'll cause drama and spew hate on her because she rejected him. Some "nice guys" will run home to cry, be depressed, and come here to complain...but others will just turn into angry little brats. That's the "nice guy" who really isn't nice or kind or good at all. What I still keep pushing on here is men who can't get dates need to become what women really want. They want the bad boy or handsome masculine man who oozes confidence, is loose and carefree, has fun, isn't insecure, dresses well and carries himself well, is established... ...BUT...his personality is that he loves women, respects women, believes in commitment and monogamy, and can handle conflict rationally and logically...even if she can't. Some might say this doesn't sound fair, but life isn't meant to be fair. My point has always been if you're being constantly rejected, then make drastic changes to become the man these women want. Don't just think becoming a bonna-fide jerk will win you women. What drastic changes and are they even possible? I can't suddenly switch from a man who basically hates himself to one who oozes confidence. As corny as it sounds, I want to be loved. Once that happens, I'm sure I'll be fine.
jobaba Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 The problem I have is that even if one "found myself, figured out how to love myself and make myself happy in life," they could still end up being alone. The way I see your story, you just got lucky. You met a girl who seemed right for you and she happened to like you back. That could have happened for you in your 20's. About every other year, I meet a girl who I feel is the "right girl." I fall for her and she rejects me. Having a girl like you is all about luck and mine's never been good. You may get lucky too. I know a couple of really geeky antisocial guys who met a girl through work and married them. But I don't suggest you do it that way. It takes a special kind of guy to marry the first one. Play the numbers. Activities, volunteer, friends of friends. School, work. Come back here with stories of rejection.
Author ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I can't suddenly switch from a man who basically hates himself to one who oozes confidence. As corny as it sounds, I want to be loved. Once that happens, I'm sure I'll be fine. No one will truly love you until you love yourself. What you'll find is a women who wants to "fix" you. You'll all of a sudden find yourself thinking your this happy, confident guy and she will leave you because you aren't who she fell in love with. She'll be on to the next fixer upper who will treat her like their mom and your life will come crashing down around you. It was all a facade. Everyone wants to be loved. What's so wrong about wanting that love to come from yourself first and foremost? Personally, as soon as I hear a guy allude to the fact that he might not like himself I instantly want to cut him loose. If he can't like himself how can I be expected to? After all, you know yourself much better than I do. If you're telling me you're worthless, I'll take your word for it.
nofool4u Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think the only time the whole "nice guy" thing irritates me is the fact on every other profile I see on a dating site with a HEADLINER stating "Where are all the NICE GUYS!" "Looking for a good hearted guy!" "Aren't there any NICE men out there?" I have to laugh when these questions are asked while at a nightclub:lmao:
Ilovewater Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I can't suddenly switch from a man who basically hates himself to one who oozes confidence. As corny as it sounds, I want to be loved. Once that happens, I'm sure I'll be fine. If you hate everything about yourself, what do you expect your partner to love about you? It's not your partner's responsibility to provide you with validation and stability. Like ditzchic said, the only women who'll want to be with you are women who wants to "fix" you. From her viewpoint, you are an insecure, broken man. Her "love" for you is based on pity. There's nothing great about that relationship. You have to be able to embrace what you have before you expect someone to embrace those same qualities. If you spend everyday focusing on your negative qualities, of course you'll hate yourself. You can break that pattern and focus on more positive qualities. Work with what you have. You ask for advice for change. Well, you have to be actively seeking change. Sitting in front of the computer sulking everyday won't do much.
Meeks7 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Agreed that one must learn how to embrace the good things about themselves before somebody else can embrace you. And while luck has something to do with it, it's not just luck. People create their own breaks in life. The key is to be proactive, not reactive.
quickspeed155 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Did you ever notice that they usually aren't? Sure they might pull out your chair and open a door for you but they always seem to be the ones who have super fragile egos, low self-esteem and very little confidence. Maybe I just haven't met the right "nice guy" but all that have I have met tend to be needy, clingy and so starved for affection that they will lie and manipulate to get it. Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. You shouldn't look at nice guys as always being that way around people. If you spend more time with them I'm sure you would see them in their bad moments or going through difficult times. Nobody's perfect, so don't try to judge people only by what you see.
grkBoy Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Hey GrKBoy good interesting post. Do you have Yahoo IM or a way to get in touch? I'm kind of in the same boat as you were and could use some advice or help/advice. Message me ndfan1320 on yahoo. Sorry dude. I'm not using Yahoo anymore. You can PM me here. I think the only time the whole "nice guy" thing irritates me is the fact on every other profile I see on a dating site with a HEADLINER stating "Where are all the NICE GUYS!" "Looking for a good hearted guy!" "Aren't there any NICE men out there?" That used to be my que to thinkg, "Hey, I'm a nice guy, THIS woman seems to be having major problems meeting jerks....I'll come to her RESCUE!! Because I'm a nice guY!!" Then....no response. Then it occured to me later, that any woman stating this in their profile.....just likes the jerks. They say they opposite of what they deep down are attracted to. I can understand why a guy would be irritated, but I really look at all these as womanese for: "Looking for my hot/wealthy/exciting alpha male who believes in love, commitment, and loyalty. He treats women well, and is willing to pass up hotter/younger women he can easily lay to settle down with me. Where are these guys? Why are my only choices stuck between hot guys who only want sex and ugly guys who will treat me right? Why can't I have it all??" That's the ugly truth. It's why I talk about how the guy comes "packaged". The problem I have is that even if one "found myself, figured out how to love myself and make myself happy in life," they could still end up being alone. The way I see your story, you just got lucky. You met a girl who seemed right for you and she happened to like you back. That could have happened for you in your 20's. I'll admit I got lucky, but I don't think it would have happened for me in my 20s. In my 20s I had a little more weight on me, dressed badly, and my financial life was a mess. The thing I push when a man "finds himself" is that he can HAPPILY live alone until the day he dies. That's the only big difference between me "now" versus "back then". Back in my youth, I used to worry about not finding someone, and felt like I was nothing because girls were not into me. When I got fed up with dating, I simply tried to build my life alone. I found what would make me happy if I were to be alone, and went for it. I love my fiance to death, but she's not my total life. She's an ADDED BONUS to my life. I think all men and women need to look at it that way. Some might think this is cold, but I've been hurt way too many times to ever give it all for someone to destroy later. If she left me today, I'd be sad for a while, but I'd pick up the pieces and move on alone. I wouldn't let it signal the end of my life. Too many others do that.
Ilovewater Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I love my fiance to death, but she's not my total life. She's an ADDED BONUS to my life. I think all men and women need to look at it that way. Some might think this is cold, but I've been hurt way too many times to ever give it all for someone to destroy later. If she left me today, I'd be sad for a while, but I'd pick up the pieces and move on alone. I wouldn't let it signal the end of my life. Too many others do that. I completely agree with the above. A relationship should be two independent people coming together. Your self-worth shouldn't be dictated by another person.
somedude81 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 You may get lucky too. I know a couple of really geeky antisocial guys who met a girl through work and married them. But I don't suggest you do it that way. It takes a special kind of guy to marry the first one. Play the numbers. Activities, volunteer, friends of friends. School, work. Come back here with stories of rejection. I've been waiting to get lucky since I was 13. If it hasn't happened by now, I doubt it ever will. The numbers game seems to be the only way possible. I just need to find the strength to start. And I really don't want to marry my first girlfriend, even if she's amazing, it just doesn't seem right. No one will truly love you until you love yourself. What you'll find is a women who wants to "fix" you. You'll all of a sudden find yourself thinking your this happy, confident guy and she will leave you because you aren't who she fell in love with. She'll be on to the next fixer upper who will treat her like their mom and your life will come crashing down around you. It was all a facade. How do I meet a fixer? That actually sounds like a great idea. Meet a girl who can make me desirable, and then she sends me off into the world when she feels that her work in complete. Though I don't think that things would be that smooth. Everyone wants to be loved. What's so wrong about wanting that love to come from yourself first and foremost?It's just not possible for myself. I need somebody in my life to feel complete. Personally, as soon as I hear a guy allude to the fact that he might not like himself I instantly want to cut him loose. If he can't like himself how can I be expected to?Think about that for a minute and you'd realize how silly that sounds. Here's a hint, have you ever disliked something about yourself, that somebody else liked? From her viewpoint, you are an insecure, broken man. Her "love" for you is based on pity. There's nothing great about that relationship. First of all, how would she even think that I'm an insecure, broken man? It's not something that people in the real world know about me. You have to be able to embrace what you have before you expect someone to embrace those same qualities. If you spend everyday focusing on your negative qualities, of course you'll hate yourself. You can break that pattern and focus on more positive qualities. Work with what you have. I have some good qualities, but they have been of little use in trying to get a girlfriend. And that's really the only thing that matters to me. Being unable to accomplish that is the reason I hate myself. Because I only see myself as a failure. It's a goal I need to accomplish. You ask for advice for change. Well, you have to be actively seeking change. Sitting in front of the computer sulking everyday won't do much. As if I do nothing but sit at my desk 24/7. I'll admit I got lucky, but I don't think it would have happened for me in my 20s. In my 20s I had a little more weight on me, dressed badly, and my financial life was a mess. Having a little weight, dressing badly and having poor finances are no reason for why a man can't be in a relationship. If anything, they sound like excuses. All that really matters is finding a woman who is willing. And the "right one" isn't going to care how you dress or how much money you have, right? The thing I push when a man "finds himself" is that he can HAPPILY live alone until the day he dies. That's the only big difference between me "now" versus "back then". Back in my youth, I used to worry about not finding someone, and felt like I was nothing because girls were not into me. When I got fed up with dating, I simply tried to build my life alone. I found what would make me happy if I were to be alone, and went for it. The way I feel now, is exactly like how you felt in your youth. There is no way I can be happy by myself. I've already been through a decade of despair and I'm just tired. The only thing I really enjoy doing alone is playing video games and those are more fun with a girl, whether she's playing or not. Damn I miss her
jobaba Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 How do I meet a fixer? That actually sounds like a great idea. Meet a girl who can make me desirable, and then she sends me off into the world when she feels that her work in complete. Though I don't think that things would be that smooth. Yea. No kidding. Sign me up for that. Getting sex from a woman while she's helping you with your social skills and confidence. That's up there with the girl who will 'settle for less' when she doesn't have to...
Ilovewater Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Here's a hint, have you ever disliked something about yourself, that somebody else liked? She's talking about guy who hates himself. You're talking about a guy who doesn't like one or two things about himself. It's OK for a man to not like one or two things about himself (as long as he doesn't keep complaining about it). It's something else when a man has a list of 100 things he hates about himself. First of all, how would she even think that I'm an insecure, broken man? It's not something that people in the real world know about me. You said you've been in "despair" since you were 13??? That's a lot of years of self-hating. Any sensible woman will see through your insecurity after a few personal conversations. You can't hide 10+ years of self-hate. I have some good qualities, but they have been of little use in trying to get a girlfriend. And that's really the only thing that matters to me. Being unable to accomplish that is the reason I hate myself. Because I only see myself as a failure. It's a goal I need to accomplish. If you see yourself as a failure, do you expect a woman to think otherwise? You can't find love unless you love yourself first. Because until then, you don't really have anything to offer in a relationship. If you keep telling yourself you are failure, you will stay that way forever because you don't see change as a possibility. As if I do nothing but sit at my desk 24/7. Sure...but what have you done to improve your situation? Have you been proactive? What you've been doing is not working. Why not try something new?
Author ditzchic Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Think about that for a minute and you'd realize how silly that sounds. Here's a hint, have you ever disliked something about yourself, that somebody else liked? Ummmmmm..... no. Not at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have plenty of faults. But I embrace them all. There are things about myself I don't love. But I really can't say there is anything inherent to my personality that I dislike. The way I see it, there are flaws in my personality that have triggered me to act in ways I didn't like. I've made plenty of bad decisions and have done things that I'm not proud of but I've learned from those mistakes and will try my damnedest to never make them again. That doesn't mean I dislike myself. I still love every part of who I am. I've just learned my strengths and weaknesses and how to maximize the good and mitigate the not so good.
Trimmer Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I've dated a truly nice guy. He was sensitive, yet strong when needed to be. He had no problem talking about his emotions, very nice, friendly, very easy going. My current bf is more of an alpha male. He thinks my nice ex was a pushover and a chump. He thinks if men dont wear a tough guy exterior, then hes a sissy. Hes clueless though. Ive tried to tell him I like nice guys, but he insists that nothing good ever comes to nice guys. *sigh* ... and remind us please - which one are you currently bonking?
Recommended Posts