ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Did you ever notice that they usually aren't? Sure they might pull out your chair and open a door for you but they always seem to be the ones who have super fragile egos, low self-esteem and very little confidence. Maybe I just haven't met the right "nice guy" but all that have I have met tend to be needy, clingy and so starved for affection that they will lie and manipulate to get it. Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires.
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 OP, describe 'self-proclaimed'. How exactly does this revelation occur? Examples are appreciated. Also, a couple examples of how their fragile egos are exposed would be appreciated as well. A gross example might be: 'I rejected him and he called me <a derogatory comment>'. Stuff like that.
joystickd Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 The main problem is that women never give a clear cut definition of a nice guy to them. The other thing is what you want and what you are attracted to are two different things
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. I think the guys you want... won't call themselves nice. However, I don't understand how having a fragile ego, or being clingy makes you not nice. Those have nothing to do with nice. Nice is about how the guy treats you and those around him... and that's it.
Author ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 The main problem is that women never give a clear cut definition of a nice guy to them. The other thing is what you want and what you are attracted to are two different things That's exactly what I'm saying! When you first meet someone I don't want you to "act" like what I want. I want to get to know the real YOU. Not a fake facade of what you're thinking I want you to be. That will get you nowhere in the long run and long run is what I'm after. The last "nice guy" I dated told lie after lie after lie trying to impress me. He made up stories about his past about his present about his wants for the future. He was so wrapped up in impressing me that he never had the time to actually care about me as a person. Even though I told him from the very beginning, I'm less about the bull**** personas and more about a real genuine connection. Example: He was pressuring to meet my parents about 2 weeks after we met each other. I don't introduce guys to my parents until things are starting to get serious because my parents can be very opinionated. I told him that and I told him when I was ready I would let him know. He told me that parents love him and he can totally act like the guy worthy of bringing home and impress them so that they would sway me to stay with him. I found that infuriating! Not only was he admitting he wasn't the guy to introduce to mom, he was basically saying that he would manipulate those closest to me just to lock me down. Not cool.
somedude81 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Did you ever notice that they usually aren't? Sure they might pull out your chair and open a door for you but they always seem to be the ones who have super fragile egos, low self-esteem and very little confidence. So me having a low self-esteem and a fragile ego means that I'm not nice? Care to explain that? Maybe I just haven't met the right "nice guy" but all that have I have met tend to be needy, clingy and so starved for affection that they will lie and manipulate to get it. I admit to being clingy and starved for affection, but I have never lied and manipulated to get it. Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. What you want in this paragraph is not exclusive from what you said in your first. It's very possible for a man to have low confidence and starved for attention while still caring about you, with an honest desire to make you feel good. I love to see a girl smile because of something I did. Is it manipulative to plan a date with a girl, trying to make things as fun as possible and hoping that she'd like me as more than a friend?
Author ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I think the guys you want... won't call themselves nice. However, I don't understand how having a fragile ego, or being clingy makes you not nice. Those have nothing to do with nice. Nice is about how the guy treats you and those around him... and that's it. I disagree with that. I think "nice" is more about your intentions rather than your actions. If you are intending to get your way and that's your only concern, that's not nice. Being nice is treating people well because you actually care. Not just because you want to feed your ego or keep someone close to you.
grkBoy Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Did you ever notice that they usually aren't? Sure they might pull out your chair and open a door for you but they always seem to be the ones who have super fragile egos, low self-esteem and very little confidence. Maybe I just haven't met the right "nice guy" but all that have I have met tend to be needy, clingy and so starved for affection that they will lie and manipulate to get it. Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. Go look for GOOD MEN, not nice guys. Your description of a nice guy is on-point...and I wish more guys would "get it". It's NOT about being a jerk to women, but about not making your life about seeking validation from women.
thatcatlady67 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I agree with you, ditzchic, the more they proclaim how 'nice' they are, the bigger jerks they are. A truly nice guy does not say how nice he is, he shows it.
Queen Zenobia Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I think the guys you want... won't call themselves nice. However, I don't understand how having a fragile ego, or being clingy makes you not nice. Those have nothing to do with nice. Nice is about how the guy treats you and those around him... and that's it. Agreed on all points. People can be clingy and nice, or not clingy and nice and every combination in between. On the theme of validation, external vs internal: healthy people require a little bit of both kinds of validation. Too much reliance on either one is bad. If you rely too much on external validation you become that clingy mess with a fragile ego trying to please everyone; too much internal validation and you become a narcissist. You need a balance.
somedude81 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I agree with you, ditzchic, the more they proclaim how 'nice' they are, the bigger jerks they are. A truly nice guy does not say how nice he is, he shows it. Never in my life have I ever proclaimed that I am nice. Or that somebody should like me because I think I'm nice.
grkBoy Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 The main problem is that women never give a clear cut definition of a nice guy to them. The other thing is what you want and what you are attracted to are two different things I think it's been discussed and defined to death here what women really want. The problem is too many guys won't accept it. A short guy still think it's only his height that gets him rejected, but he fails to see his horrible social skills, poor fashion sense, flimsy finances, and lack of "being established" that holds him back. It's like when I tell obese women that many guys aren't into fat women...but they still make excuses because it's easier to scapegoat than to embrace change. It's easier for them to claim all men are shallow than to accept they look horrible with a ginormous gut, butt, and double-chin. Same deal, the guy who can't nudge himself out of his comfort zone continually gets rejected and believes it's 100% the fault of women. That he's "perfect" or "good enough" and it's the women who are at fault.
jobaba Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Did you ever notice that they usually aren't? Sure they might pull out your chair and open a door for you but they always seem to be the ones who have super fragile egos, low self-esteem and very little confidence. Maybe I just haven't met the right "nice guy" but all that have I have met tend to be needy, clingy and so starved for affection that they will lie and manipulate to get it. Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. Everybody has their definition of what a 'nice guy' is. Some of the biggest d@uchebags I have EVER met have said they don't get enough women because they are too nice. For the record, here is my definition of a nice guy: -Treats men the same as he does women. In other words, there's guys who will be at a party and seem like a nice guy because he's talking to all of the women and being friendly but just the women. A nice guy will chat up another guy just to have a good conversation. -Treats unattractive women the same as attractive women. Self explanatory. -Is nice or friendly to people in public or service workers. -Is not overly objective of women, constantly rating them with numbers, etc. If you're really confused, ask a guy friend. I know exactly which one of my male friends I would categorize as a nice guy, d@uchebag, or somewhere in between.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 There are two types of "bitter" nice guys. First, you have those who used to be generally nice but soured up after getting nothing but the sh*t end of the stick in return for their niceness. Then you have guys who pretend to be nice in the misguided belief that it will help them advance their agenda (i.e. guys who expect the girl to sleep with them in return for their "nice" acts).
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I disagree with that. I think "nice" is more about your intentions rather than your actions. If you are intending to get your way and that's your only concern, that's not nice. Being nice is treating people well because you actually care. Not just because you want to feed your ego or keep someone close to you. Ok... I understand what you are thinking. It's really hard to figure out people's intentions. If you go around double thinking every nice thing a guy does for you... it's counterproductive. When guy does something nice... he does something nice... the intent doesn't matter so much. The guys who are clingy, needy, frail.... ect. They will show this through that type of behavior... not by being nice. If you continue to entwine this idea that nice=weak you will just create a problem for yourself.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Please tell me actual nice guys exist out there. Ones that are in touch with their emotions and are nice because they care about you enough to be nice to you, not as a game to fulfill their own needs and desires. They are out there, they just aren't the ones that will self proclaim it. If a guy is nice, you'll see it. They don't have to sell themselves as such.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Translation: OP doesn't like nice guys and wishes the piggish guys who make her wet were nice to her, instead of treating her like trash. She's only the 376th girl this week to post this.
AHardDaysNight Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've been told that I'm a nice guy, but I don't view that as the reason why I'm single. I am single because I am socially anxious and awkward, I am out of shape physically, and I have low self esteem. Being nice has nothing to do with it!
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think the OP is looking for a guy who is genuinely nice AND confident. It can be hard to find guys like that, since so many jerks are really good at the "nice guy" act, but they're out there. Confident nice guys do exist, I promise. I've dated some of them. Did you ever notice how women say they want a good man but they don't go after one??? Hey, we're trying! You'd be amazed at how many jerks walk around disguised as good men. It's not like they have signs around their necks that say "Real Nice Guy" and "Fake Nice Guy." Besides, there's other criteria to consider, like personality, sense of humor, attraction, common interests, etc. A friend of mine once set me up with a guy she knew from college, promising me that he was a nice guy. So I went on a date with him. And he was indeed a very nice guy. But he spent the whole date talking about superhero comic books and zoology, he had no sense of humor, and he was timid as hell. I liked the fact that he was nice, but we had nothing in common and he was boring to talk to. So of course, no second date.
LoveAshley Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've dated a truly nice guy. He was sensitive, yet strong when needed to be. He had no problem talking about his emotions, very nice, friendly, very easy going. My current bf is more of an alpha male. He thinks my nice ex was a pushover and a chump. He thinks if men dont wear a tough guy exterior, then hes a sissy. Hes clueless though. Ive tried to tell him I like nice guys, but he insists that nothing good ever comes to nice guys. *sigh*
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Oh you're trying eh? Yea that's a crock of s hit and ya know it. Yeah, you're right. After all, you know more about me and my life than I do. But you should know that I have succeeded in finding genuinely nice guys, so it can't really be a crock of sh*t. Those relationships didn't work out for other reasons, but they were good while they lasted. As for other criteria, there's a difference between being selective, and being unrealistically picky. But we all know that women are only looking for the Bigger Better Deal so the plain average joe don't appeal to them. Look, I found another bitter one! I don't think I'm unrealistically picky. I have normal standards, as everyone should. And you actually sound like a jerk yourself, so you should be more successful with women, right? Why are you defending the nice guys, when you're clearly not one of them?
Woggle Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've dated a truly nice guy. He was sensitive, yet strong when needed to be. He had no problem talking about his emotions, very nice, friendly, very easy going. My current bf is more of an alpha male. He thinks my nice ex was a pushover and a chump. He thinks if men dont wear a tough guy exterior, then hes a sissy. Hes clueless though. Ive tried to tell him I like nice guys, but he insists that nothing good ever comes to nice guys. *sigh* This guy is currently your BF and the other guy is your ex so maybe he has a point.
TLCbear Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I think it's been discussed and defined to death here what women really want. The problem is too many guys won't accept it. A short guy still think it's only his height that gets him rejected, but he fails to see his horrible social skills, poor fashion sense, flimsy finances, and lack of "being established" that holds him back. It's like when I tell obese women that many guys aren't into fat women...but they still make excuses because it's easier to scapegoat than to embrace change. It's easier for them to claim all men are shallow than to accept they look horrible with a ginormous gut, butt, and double-chin. Same deal, the guy who can't nudge himself out of his comfort zone continually gets rejected and believes it's 100% the fault of women. That he's "perfect" or "good enough" and it's the women who are at fault. Exactly, I totally agree. I basically just experienced something similar with a guy I was casually dating. I explained to him from the jump what I was looking for and my situation, however, he claimed he understood, but refused to accept and respect my wishes. He constantly need validation from me and kept pushing and pushing for a relationship, wanted to know why I slowed down on calling and texting him...everything seemed to be wrong with me, but not him, never once did he stop to think that the reason why stop calling him is because he is such an insecure, whinning, idealistic little girl...oh no, because he's so perfect and such a GOOD MAN, lol.
AHardDaysNight Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Oh you're trying eh? Yea that's a crock of s hit and ya know it. For tha ones out there that are jerks there are plenty who are actually worth something. As for other criteria, there's a difference between being selective, and being unrealistically picky. But we all know that women are only looking for the Bigger Better Deal so the plain average joe don't appeal to them. What a nice, nice guy.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I've dated a truly nice guy. My current bf is more of an alpha male. He thinks my nice ex was a pushover and a chump. And you're with the alpha male jerk. No more need be said.
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