norajane Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I was thinking about day to day conversations that flow from one topic to another more than the Big Conversations. I find it hard to switch from one feeling to the next, whereas women seem to have them all flowing around all the time and can throw logic in at the same time. And once I seem to have a grip on the general gist of the conversation, they throw in something random such as, "and so why is the fridge door open?" and then immediately get back onto the main topic. It's like they throw in a red herring to get you off track. And that's another thing - you can be sat there, things going along pretty usual, then a seemingly innocuous conversation is started and after about 5 minutes it dawns on me this is something far more serious than it first started as. That catches me off guard and sends me into a tail spin. Big Conversations, I've been crap at in the past. Massively under-equipped. Yes, I see what you mean. It's true - I do that. I can bounce around from feeling to feeling and then fit it all together into a narrative that makes sense to me. And this all happens in split seconds, and yeah, a male listener might not know how I got from point A to point J. There is logic to it, but he's not privy to it because it happens so fast in my head. When I've done that, my bf will just ask me to walk him through my thought process, and once I draw all the connections for him, it makes sense. We still have times where we both look at each other and realize we might not be talking about the same thing. So we stop and clarify what each of us is referring to or what we mean. Learning how to communicate effectively with your partner is a big job that takes time. Wanting to reach understanding goes a long way toward making it happen. Both partners have to want to do that work, instead of clamming up or huffing off or arguing.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Ex - I had a hard time in my last serious relationship and it left me with lots of emotional scars Me - I'm sorry to hear that. But life goes on and healing just takes time Ex - Thank you. What about you? Me - I was pretty much the same, had a hard time, and [iNTERRUPT] Ex - Are you looking for pity? Well by reason, all women must be the same then- go with that.
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well by reason, all women must be the same then- go with that. Make all the straw man arguments you like, if that's what works for you.
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Yes, I see what you mean. It's true - I do that. I can bounce around from feeling to feeling and then fit it all together into a narrative that makes sense to me. And this all happens in split seconds, and yeah, a male listener might not know how I got from point A to point J. There is logic to it, but he's not privy to it because it happens so fast in my head. When I've done that, my bf will just ask me to walk him through my thought process, and once I draw all the connections for him, it makes sense. We still have times where we both look at each other and realize we might not be talking about the same thing. So we stop and clarify what each of us is referring to or what we mean. Learning how to communicate effectively with your partner is a big job that takes time. Wanting to reach understanding goes a long way toward making it happen. Both partners have to want to do that work, instead of clamming up or huffing off or arguing. Indeed. Men tend to think serially - one thing at a time - whereas women tend to think in parallel - lots of things at the same time. If I put my mind to it, I can, but it really hurts. It's like an electrical storm kicking off in there when I do that. Only other time I can think & feel at the same time is when I've been on ecstasy, which has been shown, IIRC, to enable men to use both hemispheres of the brain at the same time.
insertnamehere Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 It's not that men don't like to talk about their feelings. It;s the constant rehashing of issues we already discussed that stresses us. Ladies? Think of this way. You know how us watching porn makes you feel? The whole, "Doesn't he love me enough?" thing, right? Well, the constant emotional rehashing makes us feel the same way. We feel like there's nothing in the world we can say that will ever make you happy. And women harp on this **** constantly. Until the point they end up driving men away.
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Women don't really want to know what we feel. Yeah, probably, but a good rendition can be found here. Now, if I can only get myself to be that honest.
norajane Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Indeed. Men tend to think serially - one thing at a time - whereas women tend to think in parallel - lots of things at the same time. If I put my mind to it, I can, but it really hurts. It's like an electrical storm kicking off in there when I do that. Only other time I can think & feel at the same time is when I've been on ecstasy, which has been shown, IIRC, to enable men to use both hemispheres of the brain at the same time. What about when you've been drinking some? Does that come close to experiencing the processes simultaneously?
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 What about when you've been drinking some? Does that come close to experiencing the processes simultaneously? Not often. I was very controlled even though I was a heavy drinker, but that's more to do with certain incidents in my teenage years (got word beforehand of a gang of kids who were going to kick sh*t out of me when I was drunk). Hit the cold night air after 8 pints in a hot pub, however, and it'd all come out. At once. And being 6'4", well built and not pretty, people interpret anything that isn't calm, placid or friendly as immediate danger, so if I say "I'm not happy with this" about something, and am stood tall, people start to physically hold you back, like you're an out of control ape. It's annoying, but understandable. If I was a violent man I would be a danger.
thatone Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Maybe some men can't conceptualize that the true drama stems from witholding things from your partner because they're convinced it's going to be met with hostility and blame. That's a shame. what men can conceptualize is there are a LOT of women who deal with their own insecurity by projecting blame. so many in fact, that they assume women will behave that way by default. therefore giving them any information they don't need is like giving them bullets to shoot at you with. defining need as in "how will this benefit me, rather than her". admittedly i'm not that way, i'll give a waitress my life story if she'll listen. but i completely understand why other men are that way. Edited November 29, 2011 by thatone
insertnamehere Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 always have some trivial thing ready when she wants you to express what's been bothering you This is the part where relationships really fall apart for me. I have zero tolerance for all the kabuki that women expect from us to prove how in touch we are with our feelings. If nothing's on my mind, that's the answer. Piss off if you don't like it.
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