WildWildWest Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is he just using that as an excuse.. I have been on again and off again with a guy for about 2 years now.. recently I told him that I really liked him, wanted to be with him abnd was looking for a real relationship and it was obvious he wasnt so when and if he was ever ready he had my number and to give me a call.. well a couple days later we started talking and he told me that he feels the same way but guys just dont like to put there feelings out there but love having that person around... He says mens actions speak louder than words.. Is he being honest or is he just trying to feed me BS so I will stick around?
Woggle Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Like I said in the other thread men don't like to because when we do too often it is used against us. Some women say they like men talking about their feelings when we do they give us crap for it.
Emilia Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is he just using that as an excuse.. I have been on again and off again with a guy for about 2 years now.. recently I told him that I really liked him, wanted to be with him abnd was looking for a real relationship and it was obvious he wasnt so when and if he was ever ready he had my number and to give me a call.. well a couple days later we started talking and he told me that he feels the same way but guys just dont like to put there feelings out there but love having that person around... He says mens actions speak louder than words.. Is he being honest or is he just trying to feed me BS so I will stick around? It depends on the person. Some men talk about how they feel some don't. I don't know whether he is stringing you along (possibly), maybe he was brought up quite conservatively
somedude81 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Like I said in the other thread men don't like to because when we do too often it is used against us. Some women say they like men talking about their feelings when we do they give us crap for it. Yup, it's been using against me by more than one woman. But I still like to express myself. I'm probably just naive.
norajane Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is he just using that as an excuse.. I have been on again and off again with a guy for about 2 years now.. recently I told him that I really liked him, wanted to be with him abnd was looking for a real relationship and it was obvious he wasnt so when and if he was ever ready he had my number and to give me a call.. well a couple days later we started talking and he told me that he feels the same way but guys just dont like to put there feelings out there but love having that person around... He says mens actions speak louder than words.. Is he being honest or is he just trying to feed me BS so I will stick around? So, did he contact you to tell you this? And, if he really felt that way all along, why did he need 2 days to contact you instead of just telling you that when you originally had the conversation with him? Better question - since he says actions speak louder than words, did his actions prior to your conversation tell you that he really liked you and was looking for a real relationship? My guess is NO, his actions did not reflect that he had feelings for your and wanted a relationship - if they had, you wouldn't have thought he didn't want a relationship in the first place. So, I call BS on that. More likely, he realized he was going to lose you altogether because you walked away, so he stepped up.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is he just using that as an excuse.. I have been on again and off again with a guy for about 2 years now.. recently I told him that I really liked him, wanted to be with him abnd was looking for a real relationship and it was obvious he wasnt so when and if he was ever ready he had my number and to give me a call.. well a couple days later we started talking and he told me that he feels the same way but guys just dont like to put there feelings out there but love having that person around... He says mens actions speak louder than words.. Is he being honest or is he just trying to feed me BS so I will stick around? I don't really express my feelings even on this website that is created specifically for it. People use it against me.
Casablanca Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 It is not easy for me...there is only a select one or two people who I have really been open with, and only one of them was a girlfriend...the other is a close friend.
HeartOnSleeve Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 On and off for two years....sounds like he's is stringing you along since he previously probably did the same thing over the 2 years. Like my situation it sounds like he wants you on his terms and when he is ready to talk that is when you talk. It seems like an excuse that he just doesn't like to talk about his feelings. You're not asking for much just his honestly and hopes that he feels the same. So you would stop seeing each other, so how did you end up back together?
D-Lish Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is it possible he's emotionally unavailable? Is he able to support you in times of trouble?
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 TBH, with very few marked exceptions, I've found that women don't give a flyin' fµck about how I feel or listening to those feelings so, to me, it's a waste of my time talking with them. They do/did, however, like it that, in the past, I've been a great listener to their feelings. No prejudice here, just recitation of reality. Happy to meet some more exceptional women
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 TBH, with very few marked exceptions, I've found that women don't give a flyin' fµck about how I feel or listening to those feelings so, to me, it's a waste of my time talking with them. They do/did, however, like it that, in the past, I've been a great listener to their feelings. No prejudice here, just recitation of reality. Happy to meet some more exceptional women I would have given ANYTHING to have my ex talk to me about his feelings about things. I was open to constructive criticism, ways in which I could have helped to make the relationship better, anything that resembled some healthy communication. I was so frustrated and sad by the end of our relationship. I had no clue what I was doing right or wrong, and the fact that he never opened up just made me feel alone, even when he was sitting right next to me. I actually felt some relief when he broke up with me, he'd been stringing me along for weeks, and saying he didn't love me was the first time he'd actually communicated how he felt in ages. Maybe some men can't conceptualize that the true drama stems from witholding things from your partner because they're convinced it's going to be met with hostility and blame. That's a shame.
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Maybe some men can't conceptualize that the true drama stems from witholding things from your partner because they're convinced it's going to be met with hostility and blame. That's a shame. That's possible. My critical thinker hat says that comes from somewhere, either as socialization or from life experience and maybe a combination of both. Men aren't born stoic individuals; they are made and shaped into them. As an anecdote, my exW often invited me to shut up (she said it nicely) and act like a 'normal' man. TBH, that isn't far removed from any women I've met prior or since, ranging from romantic prospects/partners to female friends. Perhaps the key is in the process: They want a man to reveal his feelings and then, when he does, they want something else, kind of like setting one present aside and grabbing another to unwrap. Hard to know. All I know is that it (emotional transparency) has been a marked negative in relationships in my life. That said, it has garnered me some great male friends
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 TBH, with very few marked exceptions, I've found that women don't give a flyin' fµck about how I feel or listening to those feelings so, to me, it's a waste of my time talking with them. They do/did, however, like it that, in the past, I've been a great listener to their feelings. No prejudice here, just recitation of reality. Happy to meet some more exceptional women My experience is pretty similar. But then I wonder if it's the way we express them. Certainly for us Anglophones, being expressive is unusual, and a bit awkward. If you take Gazza's World Cup tears tho, that was manly crying... I guess we have to believe the maxim, don't apologise for how you feel - that's like apologising for being real, and express them regardless. If a woman can't handle that, that's her problem. But generally I think men express something that makes them feel vulnerable, women often snap their heads off or sneer and then we clam up again. If we can get past the fear of that happening and be proud of ourselves, half the problem goes away.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 TBH, with very few marked exceptions, I've found that women don't give a flyin' fµck about how I feel or listening to those feelings so, to me, it's a waste of my time talking with them. They do/did, however, like it that, in the past, I've been a great listener to their feelings. No prejudice here, just recitation of reality. Happy to meet some more exceptional women I am a veteran of just over 10 relationships... most being over 2 years... and I agree that this is typically how women seem to feel. However I can also say that women want a guy to open up and be expressive. That seems very contradictory.... but the truth is that most women want a man to express certain emotions and not others. I've found that passion, anger, and happiness are all very acceptable. On the other hand negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, insecurity... ect... women hate that. I mean they really hate that. Yet often expect you to be open and understanding to their own expression of these emotions. It's just a double standard. Currently I am dating a woman that accepts nearly all emotional displays. I can be almost completely transparent... and it feels weird and great at the same time. She hates crying though... but so do I... so it works. I would have given ANYTHING to have my ex talk to me about his feelings about things. I was open to constructive criticism, ways in which I could have helped to make the relationship better, anything that resembled some healthy communication. I was so frustrated and sad by the end of our relationship. I had no clue what I was doing right or wrong, and the fact that he never opened up just made me feel alone, even when he was sitting right next to me. I actually felt some relief when he broke up with me, he'd been stringing me along for weeks, and saying he didn't love me was the first time he'd actually communicated how he felt in ages. Maybe some men can't conceptualize that the true drama stems from witholding things from your partner because they're convinced it's going to be met with hostility and blame. That's a shame. There is a line between raw emotional expression and basic communication. I'm very good at communicating what direction things are headed... and telling women what I want. That is very different than letting her know I feel depressed about something.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) That's possible. My critical thinker hat says that comes from somewhere, either as socialization or from life experience and maybe a combination of both. Men aren't born stoic individuals; they are made and shaped into them. As an anecdote, my exW often invited me to shut up (she said it nicely) and act like a 'normal' man. TBH, that isn't far removed from any women I've met prior or since, ranging from romantic prospects/partners to female friends. Perhaps the key is in the process: They want a man to reveal his feelings and then, when he does, they want something else, kind of like setting one present aside and grabbing another to unwrap. Hard to know. All I know is that it (emotional transparency) has been a marked negative in relationships in my life. That said, it has garnered me some great male friends My question has to be- and I just couldn't resist... Did you ever tell any of those ex's how it made you FEEL when they told you to shut up, or did you just let it go at that and stifle any further attempts at communicating? You're right, once you open up, we'll hope for more (that's how we feel close to someone). Have you ever noticed that women talk and talk until we "figure it out"? You must have noticed that if you say you have been told you are a good listener. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything and we work it out through our own talking:D. The deal is that men and women think much, much differently. We process things much differently. It can make the most normal male, and normal female, appear confusing and foreign to the opposite sex. It should be glaringly obvious to both genders that we both find the other gender confusing. Women expect men to act and react the same way we do- and vice-versa. Women need to emote, men need to fix things- that makes it hard to interact and get what we need from one another to sustain a relationship. Hence the frustration on both sides. We don't understand one another, so we assume the other gender is awful, bitchy, mean, crazy, insensitive.... and the list goes on. Not to mention that progress has changed how we interact. I'm always amazed at how my male friends can talk about how they feel in a relationship to anyone else but their own partners (or strangers on the internet). I constantly ask my male friends "Have you told HER what you just told me?" The resounding answer is usually NO. Obviously there is a fear of persecution- but it doesn't have to be that way, not for either gender should we just take a little time to walk in the other gender's shoes. Edited November 29, 2011 by D-Lish
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Our brains work differently too. IIRC MRI scans showed that men's hemispheres operate one at a time, whereas women's operate at the same time. One being the intuitive side, the other being the logical side, women can feel feelings and talk about them at the same time, whilst we have to feel a feeling then think to express it in words. That was in the early 90s. Maybe things have changed since then. But you might as well base relationship dynamics on a throwing game if you want to make it as one-sided. EDIT Here's something related: http://www.livescience.com/4085-emotional-wiring-men-women.html Whether it's learned or made that way to begin with, who knows? Some therapies change brain patterns (eye patch therapy, for example) so there's scope for it being learnt, but it could be a bit of both. Edited November 29, 2011 by betterdeal
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Our brains work differently too. IIRC MRI scans showed that men's hemispheres operate one at a time, whereas women's operate at the same time. One being the intuitive side, the other being the logical side, women can feel feelings and talk about them at the same time, whilst we have to feel a feeling then think to express it in words. That was in the early 90s. Maybe things have changed since then. But you might as well base relationship dynamics on a throwing game if you want to make it as one-sided. Are you talking to me in response to my recent post? I don't ever see anything as one sided, I would think my post just confirmed that?
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Did you ever tell any of those ex's how it made you FEEL when they told you to shut up, or did you just let it go at that and stifle any further attempts at communicating? The most marked data point, since I was married for ten years, were my responses to my exW, and I think MC helped with clarity, where prior I would kinda sit there speechless, though after would share that such interactions caused me to feel abandoned. What may be hard for some women to understand is that, when a man loves his partner and is vulnerable to her, her words, which she normally relies upon as weapons, can hurt him just as much as his fists can hurt her. TBH, what I've seen go on in some marriages is so antithetical to everything I believe to be healthy that I'm frankly nonplussed. I must've grown up and been socialized on a different planet. Anyway, while many women here tend to discount Woggle's contributions, his wisdom about this nuance, imparted upthread, speaks to me. Now, if faced with such responses to disclosure, I do and will simply say 'that's unacceptable' and erase the person. Life is patently too short to waste it on such unfruitful pursuits. I've done it since getting divorced and will continue to.
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Are you talking to me in response to my recent post? I don't ever see anything as one sided, I would think my post just confirmed that? I was, but I was saying I see it as one-sided, especially when it comes to talking about feelings. Did you read the rest of my post? It's a task to feel, switch brain sides, speak, switch sides, feel, switch sides, speak and so on. It's like you're ambidextrous, men are right/left handed and we're having a writing-with-both-hands game.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 i'm glad you put the laugh symbol. Woman often have a conversation with themselves. What I'm often thinking on an issue is that I really don't care one way or the other. What comes out of my mouth is what she wants to hear. She feels better because some mysterious issue is solved and I feel better because after one of these talks it's an atmosphere of: 'You're a good boy' and we have good sex. Well I give up trying to add insight then, If you're communication style is to feign interest and tell a woman what she wants to hear just to get sex, you didn't get what I was trying to say and I wasted my words.
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Well I give up trying to add insight then, If you're communication style is to feign interest and tell a woman what she wants to hear just to get sex, you didn't get what I was trying to say and I wasted my words. What do you want a man to be?
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Ex - I had a hard time in my last serious relationship and it left me with lots of emotional scars Me - I'm sorry to hear that. But life goes on and healing just takes time Ex - Thank you. What about you? Me - I was pretty much the same, had a hard time, and [iNTERRUPT] Ex - Are you looking for pity?
carhill Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Me - I was pretty much the same, had a hard time, and [iNTERRUPT] Ex - Are you looking for pity? ha, ha an erasable offense D-lish, here's a past post about a lady with the 'marked exception' tone I spoke of, for clarity. Such interactions are completely natural for me.
norajane Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I was, but I was saying I see it as one-sided, especially when it comes to talking about feelings. Did you read the rest of my post? It's a task to feel, switch brain sides, speak, switch sides, feel, switch sides, speak and so on. It's like you're ambidextrous, men are right/left handed and we're having a writing-with-both-hands game. That implies that you haven't given any thought to the feelings before the conversation. Or maybe I am misunderstanding. If someone asks you, "how do you feel about our relationship?" why you would have to feel the answer, switch, before you could speak? Wouldn't you already know how you feel about the relationship? Would you have the same problem speaking if you were asked, "what do you THINK about our relationship?"
betterdeal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 That implies that you haven't given any thought to the feelings before the conversation. Or maybe I am misunderstanding. If someone asks you, "how do you feel about our relationship?" why you would have to feel the answer, switch, before you could speak? Wouldn't you already know how you feel about the relationship? Would you have the same problem speaking if you were asked, "what do you THINK about our relationship?" I was thinking about day to day conversations that flow from one topic to another more than the Big Conversations. I find it hard to switch from one feeling to the next, whereas women seem to have them all flowing around all the time and can throw logic in at the same time. And once I seem to have a grip on the general gist of the conversation, they throw in something random such as, "and so why is the fridge door open?" and then immediately get back onto the main topic. It's like they throw in a red herring to get you off track. And that's another thing - you can be sat there, things going along pretty usual, then a seemingly innocuous conversation is started and after about 5 minutes it dawns on me this is something far more serious than it first started as. That catches me off guard and sends me into a tail spin. Big Conversations, I've been crap at in the past. Massively under-equipped.
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