pinkrainbows Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I havent been on here for a while but need some advice please. My husband of 40 years had an affair 18 months or so ago and although we have come along way since then and repaired our marriage (which i might add is better than it ever was), i am now obssessing about the affair he had regarding what this woman looked like, how she dressed, etc etc etc. You see i never really saw her only a small photo on his phone which he deleted and keep looking on facebook and other social networking sites to try and attempt to find her. I know where she works too and keep thinking of sending her an e-mail but darn't in case i get myself into trouble. Is this normal behaviour please as i know this isn't doing me any good at all.? My husband had no idea i am doing this either. Some days i sit here and think i have found her and sit staring at her then realize it may not be her. I know her full name and where she works. I just needed to get this out my system and talk to someone. I don't want to go down the councelling route any more and done that many times. Thanks for reading.
reboot Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 "we have come along way since then and repaired our marriage (which i might add is better than it ever was)" This statement and the rest of your post don't agree with each other.
Author pinkrainbows Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hi i am rather upset that you think we havent repaired our marriage i really am. You don't know me and no nothing about me/us or what we have been through to get where we are today. I will admit there was mistakes on both sides and although its never right for anyone to have an affair we are both so very happy and could'nt be happier. All i was saying is for some strange reason i just want to see this woman. Is that so wrong. Sorry won't be posting anymore. I asked for advice and not got any.
oilfieldguy Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi i am rather upset that you think we havent repaired our marriage i really am. You don't know me and no nothing about me/us or what we have been through to get where we are today. I will admit there was mistakes on both sides and although its never right for anyone to have an affair we are both so very happy and could'nt be happier. All i was saying is for some strange reason i just want to see this woman. Is that so wrong. Sorry won't be posting anymore. I asked for advice and not got any. Dont leave because of one persons comment. I know just what your talking about. I was the cheater and we have worked through most of it. My wife is having the same deal like you. She thinks about the women I was with and compares herself to them. I have told her it was nothing about what she looks like or what she looks like. Often she has to think of me with them before she gets turned on in the bedroom which leads to bad feeling after sex. She has been trying to get those thoughts out of her mind but cant seem to shake it either.
reboot Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 All I meant was, if you're still obsessing about his AP (and you are obsessing), your marriage isn't "repaired". It's just had a band aid applied.
freestyle Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Pink rainbows---what you're experiencing is NORMAL. Obsessive and intrusive thoughts about a partner's AP will continue for a long time after D-day. For many BS's , wanting to know every little detail about everything that had been hidden from them for however long is NORMAL. After being kept in the dark about things, until D-day, a BS needs to feel fully informed about what happened,and WHY it happened. When one partner/spouse is hiding things from the other--a huge imbalance of power happens. That imbalance can only be restored when all of the previously withheld information comes to light. Pink rainbows, did your H come clean fully after D-day---or did he engage in 'trickle-truthing"? (only letting out the truth in small bits at a time, and only when pressed to do so) If he trickle-truthed you---it can make it that much harder to recover and heal....... Your marriage suffered a mortal blow---it's not the kind of thing that will heal overnight. Researchers have found that it can often take anywhere from 2-5 years for a sense of normalcy to return, and for trust to be restored.So, please don't beat yourself up if you're still hurting.It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you......
PhoenixRise Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I havent been on here for a while but need some advice please. My husband of 40 years had an affair 18 months or so ago and although we have come along way since then and repaired our marriage (which i might add is better than it ever was), i am now obssessing about the affair he had regarding what this woman looked like, how she dressed, etc etc etc. You see i never really saw her only a small photo on his phone which he deleted and keep looking on facebook and other social networking sites to try and attempt to find her. I know where she works too and keep thinking of sending her an e-mail but darn't in case i get myself into trouble. Is this normal behaviour please as i know this isn't doing me any good at all.? My husband had no idea i am doing this either. Some days i sit here and think i have found her and sit staring at her then realize it may not be her. I know her full name and where she works. I just needed to get this out my system and talk to someone. I don't want to go down the councelling route any more and done that many times. Thanks for reading. All of this is perfectly normal. There was an unknown factor in your marriage for as long as the affair lasted and it is completely normal for you to want to know as much as possible about the OW now. IF you think it will help you, take the steps necessary to find out as much as you need/want to know about her. Talk to your husband and get the information you need from him. Him keeping her info a secret is not an option if he wants to reconcile. AND/OR You actively go after and get the info you want. Within 24 hours of dday I had access to almost every public record about the OW. I also found tons of information about her on social networking sites. AND if you know where she is/works....go have a look at her. My husband answered my questions, but at that point I couldn't believe anything he said so I needed to check her out for myself. Your feelings about this are valid.
Author pinkrainbows Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Thankyou for the support above. After reading your advice above and doing a bit of research myself i do realize all these feeling are NORMAL. My husband told me everything about the affair. Its just i never saw her and yes i do compare myself to her. Who would'nt in these circumstances as its a normal reaction. However i am not doing it as much as i was doing. I am a stay at home wife with a dibilitating illness and he went with a high flyer, well dressed and well spoken who knocked my confidence at the time. Thanks again for those who advised me again.
LoveTKO Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Thankyou for the support above. After reading your advice above and doing a bit of research myself i do realize all these feeling are NORMAL. My husband told me everything about the affair. Its just i never saw her and yes i do compare myself to her. Who would'nt in these circumstances as its a normal reaction. However i am not doing it as much as i was doing. I am a stay at home wife with a dibilitating illness and he went with a high flyer, well dressed and well spoken who knocked my confidence at the time. Thanks again for those who advised me again. That is what's eating away at you and why you're struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts. If you're the betrayed spouse in an affair, it's only natural to feel inferior or "less than" because why should your spouse have a need to look somewhere else if he has you, right? I don't advocate stalking this woman and what not, but it probably wouldn't hurt to put a face to the name in order to ease your obsessive thoughts; this can be achieved by sleuthing several social networking websites, etc. I really believe that in your case, if you actually see or meet this woman you will find some closure. You don't strike me as vindictive type of person. It's often better to know the hard facts as opposed to living in a cloud of obsessive thoughts eclipsing your thought pattern, all of it fueled by the unknown.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 If he's willing to do anything to repair the damage he caused - he won't feel threatened when you ask to meet this former OW. I think it may help to get her side of the story and hear what her truth is, her experience and perspective. It's best to approach a situation like that with neutrality - as much as you can - think of it as gathering facts... Useful info to further healing the M. Don't compare - that's not useful. She may have info that could give you insight about your H. Use it wisely...as a tool to help. If he balks at the idea - he's only worried about himself and his cover up... Not in healing the M. He should be willing to do anything and everything to set this right for YOU. This includes restoring your piece of mind - and if meeting her is what it takes - then that is what needs to happen! Ask him! You deserve to know! Then put questions on paper that you wish to ask her! When she answers - write down what she says. It will be info you need in the future if you and your H are working toward the healing.
reboot Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I still don't understand why, if the marriage is fully repaired and is better than it ever was, as the OP states, why there's any need to still be thinking about the OW, much less wanting to meet her.
PhoenixRise Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 That is what's eating away at you and why you're struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts. If you're the betrayed spouse in an affair, it's only natural to feel inferior or "less than" because why should your spouse have a need to look somewhere else if he has you, right? I don't advocate stalking this woman and what not, but it probably wouldn't hurt to put a face to the name in order to ease your obsessive thoughts; this can be achieved by sleuthing several social networking websites, etc. I really believe that in your case, if you actually see or meet this woman you will find some closure. You don't strike me as vindictive type of person. It's often better to know the hard facts as opposed to living in a cloud of obsessive thoughts eclipsing your thought pattern, all of it fueled by the unknown. This was not my experience at all. I never thought myself inferior to or less than. However I did start looking at my husband like he was some kind of deranged slug. I started seeing HIM as inferior to and less than... When I finally started to consider reconciling with him one of the hardest questions I had to ask myself was "can I ever respect this person again?" OP Your husband cheated with a woman who is very different than you. Please remember that different does not equal better. Different is just different. That is all.
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Is this normal behaviour please as i know this isn't doing me any good at all.? Normal behavior, yes, more times than not. Healthy behavior, no. But understandable after putting up with abuse by your husband. Cheating is tantamount to mental abuse and will get people doing crazy things. And it was only a year and a half ago. Not a whole lot of time for you to come to terms with what your H did.
Breezy Trousers Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) Pinkrainbows, I think the fact this OW is a mystery woman to you, coupled with the fact you perceive your husband as affairing "up," is causing this very natural reaction. Your elevation of OW is making an already difficult situation much more difficult. You don't need counseling, just acceptance that your feelings are a normal reaction to your thoughts and will go away as you gain more confidence in your marriage. I honestly never gave much thought to the (two) OW. My situation was different from yours, though. I knew both women. I thought my husband affaired down. If anything, my reaction was more like: WTF?!!! Maybe that's a snobbish, rude perception, but it served me well in the end. The OW never dominated my thoughts. Is it really true this OW is so much better than you? Because, in the end, your husband chose you, and no one put a gun to his head. Try not to cross examine that fact. (Men aren't that complicated anyway.) .... Over the decades, I have seen two men leave their wives for OW in the middle of serious family illness without blinking an eye, and one of these instances occurred in a 30-plus-year marriage. (Let's not discuss Newt Gingrich - ha.) It happens. It didn't happen to you. There's a reason for that. Try not to drive yourself crazy by second-guessing it. Edited December 1, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
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