Els Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I don't recall that I've ever been happy with my body, to be honest. When I was growing up, it was a multitude of things - a chronic, incurable skin disease, forced to keep short hair, and I thought my shoulders were too wide and my legs looked bowed and my facial features looked masculine. Parents and relatives told me point-blank that I was not pretty. I could not see anything remotely attractive about myself... until the first boyfriend pointed out that I had a slender figure 'many women would kill for'. It was quite an eye-opener, and things got better from then onwards. I could actually see myself as a woman, with some parts of me actually being reasonably attractive. Over the years, the things I thought about myself (big shoulders, masculine features etc), I realized one by one to be untrue. I managed to grow my hair out. My skin disease was also improving, although I will never have flawless skin. But other things cropped up. I gained 15 lbs during a time when I lived on literally <$1000/month. I then lost 5 successfully, but even at 120lbs I realized that I had developed some fat rolls on the neck and tummy, that had never been there before. My parents constantly harangued me about my weight. Now in my mid twenties, the first hints of wrinkles began to emerge. I began relapsing into my old pattern, except that this time I thought, "I must have looked so much better before. Why didn't I appreciate it then?" Something someone said on LS when I posted about my skin issues a few years back struck me - "There will always be something you dislike about your body. Don't let it overcome you". It was quite enlightening. Could the problem perhaps not be my body, but rather my perception of it? Why did I feel the need to compare it to perfection? Could it be that other women suffer from the same problems, too? A quick search revealed, yes, apparently the majority of women are unhappy with how they look. My female friends and I did not make a habit of talking about such things with each other, but they admitted it when I broached the topic. I think I am lucky in that, compared to some others, I don't place much of my self-worth in my appearance, so this does not bother me greatly. I am also incredibly lucky, I think, in that I have had the good fortune to meet men, good men, who prize me for other things. But here is the crux of the issue... In my mid-twenties now, I know that aging has, biologically-speaking, begun. And while it is certainly possible to look good at 40, I am sure it is easier at 25. Much easier. I realize I want to make use of this time. I had always focused on development of the mind to the exclusion of all else, especially appearance, but I will still have my mind well into my 60s, perhaps even 70s or 80s. So I have made it my holiday project. I always stuck to close-necked tees and jeans, because they were safe (convenient and comfortable too, but also safe). They hid all of my body's shortcomings and flaws. I bought my first dress in a long time yesterday. A simple summer one at a thrift store, because I'm on a budget, but it'll have to do for starters, and I think it looks rather nice. I chose it, in fact, specifically because it is cinched below the breast and thus hides the love handles. But when I wear it, all I can think of is comparing my legs and other exposed areas (not much, but more than a t-shirt does!) to how a model would look in it. That does not do well, I think. I admire how overweight women can wear miniskirts (and some of them rock them!), and girls with arm pigmentation wear tank tops, and they all do it with the utmost confidence. How? I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to dress as a girl sometimes without obsessing over the imperfections revealed.
Author Els Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Aww, thanks, Turkey. Yes, the family definitely didn't help. I find it strange that boyfriends, whom people claim are the people who judge girls most for their appearance, were really the most supportive and accepting of my appearance throughout my life. Friends were fine too. On an unrelated note, I just did some searching, and it seems the supraclavicular fat pads are a potential symptom of Cushing's syndrome, which could be possible considering all the glucocorticoids I'd needed for the skin disease management. Oy vey.
Author Els Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Hehe, I'm not usually too bothered about it... I only stress out about it when I think, 'Hmm, I should start dressing better!' and look at the mountain of obstacles that seemingly lie between me and that. I hope that girl comes up to you soon, Turkey!
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