de_lys Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Hello everyone! I immagine this topic has been widely discussed before, but let me describe in few lines my situation. I met a guy this summer and we had a very passionate beginning of our relationship, we are living now together (started to live one month after we met) and everything seemed to be perfect untill I began to dig in his past. The problem is that he is ex drug-abuser and since the age of 16 was dating a girl. She was nice girl from a good family, his first love, first in everything. As he was using drugs, she began to do it as well and they stayed so slightly over 4 years together untill her parents didn't find out that they had been taking drugs and immediately sent her to rehabilitation. And like this he lost her. Since than they never seen each other. Later my bf went to rehabilitation es well (in 2001) and finished it in 2008. He doesn't speak about her, mostly only when I ask, but speaks nicely about her (that she was cute, nice person), which I don't mind either. But.... I have this sort of fear-jealousy that he basically "lost" her due to circumstances, I mean if she was not sent to rehabilitation than way they would probably still be together, also that due to this she will be forever inaccessible for him, this magic first perfect love. And as I never took drugs (they both at the end were taking heroine), I will never be able to share everything with him as she did... I know, all this seems ridiculous, but I am going mental. I found her foto on facebook (they are not friends but I found her), she was of indian origine, but lived in Italy in the same city with him. I am of different type, though we have some similar features as round face, both tall and skinny. I don't want to seem self-in-love, but I am much more good looking than her, although it is difficult to compare us. I am quite self-sufficient girl, as many people say, very correct and nice, but I feel so frustrated, keep compare myself to her and from time to time go mad thinking that he will never be able to love me as much as loved her....
Author de_lys Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Hello guys, sorry for so much text and for mistakes - I am not native english speaking, hope this is not a problem and you will understand me. Thanks )))
RiverRunning Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 This is a really difficult issue. Women are so often comparing themselves that it extends even into their relationships. My ex and I had a "burn and destroy" type of mentality after a break-up. In my case, it was more justified - he treated me horribly during the relationship, so I could never think of anything to say about him to other people. In his mind, I became a cheating nag despite never cheating (and the 'nagging' was requests like, "I'm really running out of money, and since I'm driving you everywhere, could you start giving me $5 or $10 a week for gas?" My second boyfriend's experience was different. He spoke very tenderly about his second ex. However, we had other problems related to her. Had his opinion just been, "She was nice," and that was it, I may not have spiraled into jealousy. Unfortunately, it was much more than that and the damage he caused continues to some degree into the relationship even today. I think people put too much importance on first loves. It will shape you in a major way - because it's your FIRST romantic experience and you have nothing else to compare it to. My negative first experience has affected me 4 years later in my current relationship. But as time progresses - as we meet and date new people - they become less important. Your boyfriend's ex was addicted to drugs and together they were co-dependents in a bad situation. For whatever reason - and they split in 2001? - they are not together anymore. Let's consider this, though. He could have gotten back with her years later if he had wanted to. There's a reason that he didn't. In 5 - 10 years' time, people grow up A LOT, especially through the teens and twenties. They are both probably such different people anymore that there is nothing there to hold them together anymore. Think about it this way - as a mature and recovered man, your boyfriend wants to be with you and not her. The fact that he doesn't trash her is a sign of his maturity. While I feel nothing for my ex, years later, I too am able to share some nice things about him. Time has healed the wounds he left. I no longer feel the surge of excitement at getting cuts in at him among family and friends. First loves are often nothing but a hormone frenzy built out of immaturity and a lack of experience. Most of us don't end up with our first loves - because our hormone-crazy minds stop playing tricks on us and we realize, "I want more from a romantic partner than this." It sounds like your boyfriend and his ex just ended up being drug partners after a while. That was their cement, their glue. Would you really want that to be what binds you to your boyfriend? There are lots of things we'll never get to experience like our partners. It can be painful. I'll never be my boyfriend's first lover, the first woman to mean a great deal to him, etc. But I am the first woman to live with him and the first woman he's thought seriously of marrying. There must be something you share with your boyfriend that is unique. Something that keeps you both together. Try reading the book "Romantic Jealousy" or books on Romantic Insecurity. There are tons out there...I've read a few, most are decent.
Author de_lys Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 RiverRunning, Thank you very much for your reply. Your very structured and helpful advice. I am more practical person, so I really hear logic, structured adequate argumentation like yours. Also, because many of statements you sited are the same I try to convince myself and believe it, but it is very useful to know that someone else thinks so to, not only me alone in my head. You are right, we do share special moments just ours, just I have tendency to forget it when moments of jealousy madness occur, also because my bf is italian and italian men have a reputation of being professionals in bla-bla. Also, because I live far from my family, basically I live abroad alone (sure I have friends, but I mean that my mom, dad and sister live far and I don;t have this moral support that usually you feel without saying any words, being close to each other) and have no one to share it with.... And I will keep trying to do my best and to overcome my inner insecurity.
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