How do I handle this odd situation?

[hankdraper]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years now. It's been a rocky ride, to be honest, but aside from our penchant for bickering, we are very much in love with each other, and manage to have a great time more often than not. For perspective's sake, we're both in college. I'm a 28 year old psych major, and she is a 21 year old sociology major. Quite the age difference, I suppose.

 

Anyhow, last Friday night, my girlfriend and I decided to toss the homework aside, kick back, and have a few drinks. Typically, I don't drink with her, because I've always felt that she gets kind of mean when she drinks, but everything seemed fine, so I made us some whiskey sours, and the night progressed rather nicely at first. I only had one drink that night, but she'd had about four, maybe five. Needless to say, she became very drunk. She was a very happy drunk at first, but then, the night took a dark turn that I would never have expected.

 

Since my dad died last year, I've taken to living with my mother and two teenage brothers. That said, at 3 AM, my girlfriend became belligerent, and started harassing one of my sleeping brothers --trying to ascertain whether or not he liked her-- to the point where she started hitting him, and spilling her drink all over his bed. At this point, I took her to my room, and told her that we should turn in for the night.

 

Then all Hell broke loose.

 

She began shouting, weeping, and angrily demanding that I let her out of the room. I told her that I didn't want her to wake everyone in the house up so early in the morning, and that we would go out if she would lower her voice... at which point, she began SCREAMING obscenities at me, frothing at the mouth, and even tried kicking out my window to leave the room. Now, I'm a psych major, so I know how to deal with difficult people, but this was a personal attack, and nothing I could say seemed to work. Our arguments are usually calm, civil, and informative, but this was something so out of character for her, that I was actually afraid.

 

And then, it got worse.

 

Maybe it's because I'm not a big guy, maybe not... any way it is, she decided that she would get physical. She began shoving me... HARD... and threatening me so I would let her leave the room. She actually was stepping up on me, like dudes do in bar brawls. She then punched me in chest several times, and I'm not talking wimpy sissy-punches but martial arts punches. She also clawed my arms up, and then head-butted me in the nose. She wound up leaving the room after she grabbed me by my hair... I've got long hair... and slammed my head into the wall, which managed to bring me down. My eye and shoulder still hurt from that as I write this; a testament to her karate classes paying off, I suppose. HA!

 

Anyhow, my mom stepped in, and took her phone and keys, and managed to talk her down after an hour of her wandering around noisily, and waking up the whole house. She passed out soon thereafter, and when she left the next afternoon, she said maybe two words to me, and left without a single apology. We haven't talked since, and we talk EVERYDAY.

 

I feel like she crossed certain boundaries in our relationship that are not to be crossed. I have a low tolerance for disrespect, and I feel like she disrespected me both verbally and physically, and I don't know how to talk to her when I finally call her. I realize that drinking had a part in this, but how far does that excuse go?

 

If our roles were reversed, and I acted how she did, then I'd probably have been arrested, and that's honestly not a melodramatic take on this. When men do this, it's grounds for a break up. It gets called "abuse."

 

I guess I'm just wondering what people think of this. I'd love to know if possessing a different set of genitals makes roughing up your significant other okay. I'd love to know if women physically harming men is not as bad, and why that might be. I want to know what people think, and I'd love some varied suggestions on how to proceed. MEN: What would you do if your girl acted out violently at you? LADIES: What would you do if you were a man, and your girl acted this way?

 

This is all so unexpected and strange. I have never seen this side of her before. I also know that she has control issues, and those apparently came out Friday night. I still love her, but I'm not EVER going to stand by calmly and live that night again. What do you all think?

Edited November 28, 2011 by hankdraper

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess I'm just wondering what people think of this. I'd love to know if possessing a different set of genitals makes roughing up your significant other okay. I'd love to know if women physically harming men is not as bad, and why that might be. I want to know what people think, and I'd love some varied suggestions on how to proceed. MEN: What would you do if your girl acted out violently at you? LADIES: What would you do if you were a man, and your girl acted this way?

 

This is all so unexpected and strange. I have never seen this side of her before. I also know that she has control issues, and those apparently came out Friday night. I still love her, but I'm not EVER going to stand by calmly and live that night again. What do you all think?

 

You were holding her against her will. That said her violent attack is completely unacceptable... and she should do jailtime for it.

 

Are you really going to continue dating her? Had she woke up and profusely apologized... or just shown remorse, my opinion may be different. If I have learned one thing in life it's this: Do not date women who are control freaks!!!! I really can't emphasize that enough.

[in_absentia]

she attacked you physically, you need to leave her. It isn't somehow less worse than you getting drunk and hitting her, she crossed a line and drinking may be part of the explanation for it but it is in NO WAY an excuse. She embarassed you, disrespected you and physically abused you. There is no reason to stay with somebody who does all this and if you tolerate it she will do it again and know that she can walk all over you. The only way you can get through this is leaving her, I'm sorry.

 

Bottom line is: she physically attacked you. You don't want to be with somebody who can/will do this. Not to mention the fact that she caused such problems with your family, she clearly doesn't respect them too, which is even worse given that you're all grieving for your dad. I can relate to her as I can be an angry/emotional/upset drunk when I drink and I caused no end of arguments with my ex over stupid ****, I was an embarassment. The answer? I don't drink anymore, because I hate who I am when I'm drunk, I'm a decent, good rational person and excessive alcohol often brought things out of me that I despise.

[RiverRunning]

I've been drunk before and I've certainly had the emotional roller coaster stuff going - laughing one minute, crying the next. But even when I was depressed/angry before I started drinking, it never became physical. She did cross a line and the fact that she's a woman doesn't change that.

 

If I were you, I'd say the relationship is over - unless she's DONE drinking, period, if this is the only major problem you're having (but it's a big one). But whether or not it progresses is really up to you. Has she otherwise been aggressive when she's sober? The moment she started getting physically aggressive, it was time for somebody to call the police. That would've been an even better wake-up call for how destructive she is when she's drinking.

 

I wouldn't call her. If she calls you, you can answer and explain yourself - i.e., she stops drinking if she wants the relationship to continue, entirely, or it's over then and there. If she doesn't stop drinking, the relationship ends the moment you find out.

[Emilia]

I would have gone to the police for this, especially to teach her a lesson and to make her realise she can't get away with behaving like this. Scratching or an open handed slap is one thing, banging someone's head into the wall and headbutting (potentially breaking a person's nose and potentially KILLING THEM if it goes wrong) are something else. How does she know how to headbut someone?

 

Needless to say I would never speak to her again - apart from in court.

[hankdraper]

Thank you for your replies, everyone. I really appreciate your input. Sincerely.

 

Sadly, things are looking even worse, and I'm so confused, because even though we've had fights, they're usually somewhat based in logic. Things are just too crazy for me to handle.

 

She just now wrote me on Facebook, and I can't believe some of the things she said. She thinks that I'm making the whole thing up just because she can't remember most of it. She wrote me her version of the story, and it's so inaccurate that it's almost funny.

 

She believes that I'm trying to make her out to be the crazy one in the relationship, while naming myself the rational one, when in fact, I'm just trying to talk to her about one particular night of wrongdoing. She thinks that I should apologize to her for not letting her out of the room, and she seems fixated on that point. I see her point to some degree, but I DID tell her that if she lowered her voice, she could do anything she wanted. That was when the screaming started. It was against her will, like Untouchable_Fire said, but the choice was simple, and she chose an unacceptable path.

 

The worst part about her long Facebook message to me is that she is telling me not to write, call, or try to talk to her, because she's mad at me for reasons I can't quite grasp. I've read her letter several times over, and it just seems like she's flipped everything around so that it's my fault. I honestly don't know what to say to such craziness. I really don't. How do you convince someone of the truth when they've already made up their mind about what the truth "really" is? This is so unlike her. I just can't believe this is all happening. Wow.

 

I suppose the simple thing to do would be to just let her go. But shouldn't we do a face-to-face before calling quits?

 

Again, thanks so so much for your replies. I so appreciate it. You guys are great.

[Carey B]

Hankdraper, this must be such an awful situation for you.

I have been a long time lurker at LS, but really felt like I should try and help you on this one.

 

I want to start off by saying that violence is never acceptable, regardless of who's doing it. Although she says she doesn't remember it, it's not just something that you can forget and continue on with how things were before (should she start talking to you again... god knows why she's not).

Drunk people can be very difficult at times, so whilst I do agree that maybe not letting her leave wasn't the right thing to do, what would have happened if you did? She could have run out of the house off somewhere and ended up in an even worse situation. I'm curious as to what point your mother became aware of what was happening, was it when your girlfriend had left the room, or before when she really began yelling and became physical with you?

 

Has the fighting between the two of you been worse than usual recently? I'm trying to approach the situation from some different angles, and maybe the fighting got too much for her and she no longer felt like she could be in the relationship - her drunken state simply could have made her react in a way that expressed this need and made her get silly - to put it extremely lightly.

Something else that may be possible is that she doesn't want to believe the things that you said she did, and instantly put up the defence by accusing you and blaming this whole thing on you. She could also be embarrassed and worry about what you think about her? I'm hoping that the only thing that she accused you of was not letting her out of the room.

Is there any physical signs of the attack on you?

 

As for the facebook message, it sounds really immature, but perhaps the best thing to do is to wait for the time being? Do you have any mutual friends that you could talk to about the situation? I agree that what she did was wrong and disrespectful, and hope that regardless of how in love you are that you realise how unhealthy a relationship this has become/would be if you were to continue on in it.

I was asking if there were any signs of violence against you because if you managed to plan a meet up between the two of you, you could have gone up to her and said "This is what you did to me, I've lost respect for you, and I hope the poor bugger you date next doesn't get the same treatment."

 

All the best! Let us know how it goes.

[Emilia]

 

She just now wrote me on Facebook, and I can't believe some of the things she said. She thinks that I'm making the whole thing up just because she can't remember most of it. She wrote me her version of the story, and it's so inaccurate that it's almost funny.

 

She believes that I'm trying to make her out to be the crazy one in the relationship, while naming myself the rational one, when in fact, I'm just trying to talk to her about one particular night of wrongdoing. She thinks that I should apologize to her for not letting her out of the room, and she seems fixated on that point. I see her point to some degree, but I DID tell her that if she lowered her voice, she could do anything she wanted. That was when the screaming started. It was against her will, like Untouchable_Fire said, but the choice was simple, and she chose an unacceptable path.

 

The worst part about her long Facebook message to me is that she is telling me not to write, call, or try to talk to her, because she's mad at me for reasons I can't quite grasp. I've read her letter several times over, and it just seems like she's flipped everything around so that it's my fault. I honestly don't know what to say to such craziness. I really don't. How do you convince someone of the truth when they've already made up their mind about what the truth "really" is? This is so unlike her. I just can't believe this is all happening. Wow.

 

I suppose the simple thing to do would be to just let her go. But shouldn't we do a face-to-face before calling quits?

 

This is LIKE her though, this is her true character. I know it's hard to deal with this but this is her true personality.

 

You can't expect a person that headbuts people to take responsibility for their actions. She is a crazy pyscho.

 

No, you don't need to talk to her ever again. She would probably get you into trouble by shouting rape or something. The reason why she is so horrid to you now is that she doesn't want to face what an awful person she is so she is blaming you.