JudgingKarma Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Hi All This is my first post - reading everyone stories and situations really helps a bit to take the edge of the pain and makes one feel that they are not alone in the way they are feeling. So this is the situation Im in and im looking for answers on how to go forward or get closure. I have been with women for 4 years - We were great together and it was leading to engage about a year back..Then she went through a very bad patch after her fathers death last year.He was an alcoholic and drank himself to death.It was a very traumatic experience for her where she found herself going through depression.She advised a month after the death that she needed to move back to her mom and sister as she was not coping with everything here and she could not function at her job and was on the verge of losing it.I asked her if she did not think it would be best to seek counselling.She declined it saying that she did not want to go through councelling again..Before i had met her she was in hospitalised for drug addiction and went through a relationship with a physically abusive boyfriend.She also went to counselling as she had not dealt with her parents divorce years earlier but gave up the sessions half way through.So i did not want to pressure her into going to the doc as it made her feeling unstable.She also had issues with rejection,low self esteem due to bad acne. She she asked my respect her decision and that she did love me and needed to do this to try heal so we could carry on with our relationship down the road.So i agreed to it and said i would offer her the support she needed.She moved away and in the first month of being away she lost her job due to the company closing.In fact she has lost her job twice in the last 8 months due to the "financial crunch" in the economy.So this really put strain on her and sent her back into depression.I supported her every month with a salary so her credit record would not suffer,and paid for her food and groceries,as well giving her money for rent and extras if she needed to go to interviews.I had to reduce my lifestyle completely so she could get through.I was tough on me as i had contact her everyday for the last 8 months to build her up and keep her positive and assure her that things would be okay.There were really days that i felt like packing in myself where she was to "down" or "low" to reply.So about 2 months ago she got a break and landed a job with a well established company and things started to look up again.So the financial strain was taken off me as she did not require and financial assitence from me anymore and her focus on finishing her studies...So about a week ago i received a message from her thanking me for everything i had done for her and it meant alot to her that i was always there for her and keeping her positive everyday,however she needed to tell me that she had someone new in her life and she would respect me if i did not want to be friends...So obviously that came as a shock to me and im sitting now trying to make sense of all this.Im very angry but feel more let down then anything as it just seems like i have wasted a whole year on someone i love only to get her up and running for someone else...So she does not want to speak to me so i cant find out what happened..in my heart i feel she has made a mistake and maybe her past has something to do with it... i think she will realise down the line what she lost in someone like me and there are not a lot of people that would have done what i have done with for...i just want to hear peoples opinion on if so should try mend things and find out why this happened or just try move on without the closure.That is main thing that is bothering me at the moment and hopefully someone can offer guidance.. Thank you
twinkles Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Move on without closure. What more could you have done for this person? Find someone who doesn't need rescuing. You are lucky she dumped you...she did you a favour. It would have been a miserable life for you. Too much drama.
mike588 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Hi All This is my first post - reading everyone stories and situations really helps a bit to take the edge of the pain and makes one feel that they are not alone in the way they are feeling. So this is the situation Im in and im looking for answers on how to go forward or get closure. I have been with women for 4 years - We were great together and it was leading to engage about a year back..Then she went through a very bad patch after her fathers death last year.He was an alcoholic and drank himself to death.It was a very traumatic experience for her where she found herself going through depression.She advised a month after the death that she needed to move back to her mom and sister as she was not coping with everything here and she could not function at her job and was on the verge of losing it.I asked her if she did not think it would be best to seek counselling.She declined it saying that she did not want to go through councelling again..Before i had met her she was in hospitalised for drug addiction and went through a relationship with a physically abusive boyfriend.She also went to counselling as she had not dealt with her parents divorce years earlier but gave up the sessions half way through.So i did not want to pressure her into going to the doc as it made her feeling unstable.She also had issues with rejection,low self esteem due to bad acne. She she asked my respect her decision and that she did love me and needed to do this to try heal so we could carry on with our relationship down the road.So i agreed to it and said i would offer her the support she needed.She moved away and in the first month of being away she lost her job due to the company closing.In fact she has lost her job twice in the last 8 months due to the "financial crunch" in the economy.So this really put strain on her and sent her back into depression.I supported her every month with a salary so her credit record would not suffer,and paid for her food and groceries,as well giving her money for rent and extras if she needed to go to interviews.I had to reduce my lifestyle completely so she could get through.I was tough on me as i had contact her everyday for the last 8 months to build her up and keep her positive and assure her that things would be okay.There were really days that i felt like packing in myself where she was to "down" or "low" to reply.So about 2 months ago she got a break and landed a job with a well established company and things started to look up again.So the financial strain was taken off me as she did not require and financial assitence from me anymore and her focus on finishing her studies...So about a week ago i received a message from her thanking me for everything i had done for her and it meant alot to her that i was always there for her and keeping her positive everyday,however she needed to tell me that she had someone new in her life and she would respect me if i did not want to be friends...So obviously that came as a shock to me and im sitting now trying to make sense of all this.Im very angry but feel more let down then anything as it just seems like i have wasted a whole year on someone i love only to get her up and running for someone else...So she does not want to speak to me so i cant find out what happened..in my heart i feel she has made a mistake and maybe her past has something to do with it... i think she will realise down the line what she lost in someone like me and there are not a lot of people that would have done what i have done with for...i just want to hear peoples opinion on if so should try mend things and find out why this happened or just try move on without the closure.That is main thing that is bothering me at the moment and hopefully someone can offer guidance.. Thank you Sounds like you did alot for your ex. as I did mine. You may never get the closure you want unfortunantly. I know how you feel and it can drive you crazy! Best thing to do is just try to move on,chalk it up to experience and just leave her alone. Yes sounds like she made a mistake but that's her problem,let her deal with it. My ex. left me for someone and she admitted it 3 days later it would fail and was probably the biggest mistake she ever made but what can you do? Most likely she doesn't want to talk to you is due to the guilt she's feeling and just doesn't want to deal with it at this time. It's not your job to rescue her. Take time to heal and move on, maybe down the road she will contact you?
Author JudgingKarma Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 hi twinkles and mike thank you for the honest feedback i really appreciate it...i am going to the NC thing now and try heal..i did send her emails straight after the break up which was probably a stupid thing to do but instinct took over..a bit confused now,i have got a read receipt on my work email and i she has read the emails and re opened some of them 2 or 3 times again.. not sure why she is doing this if she does not want contact with me....maybe its guilt who knows....what u think?
Mcnulty Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Man, i feel for you. I'm going through a very similiar scenario. At least she told you, (even though it was not face to face), mine posted it on facebook and I didn't even get told, let alone closure. All I can say is, yes you feel used and betrayed, perfectly understandable, it's so hard to think that we did so much for them leading up to getting dumped and then to have to deal with the thought of them with someone else is a total kick in the teeth, I know exactly how you feel, my ex got with my friend!! You have to look after you now. Total NC and heal youself...slowly. Eat, get plenty of rest and write down and talk about what you are dealing with..the writing bit helps me more I'd say, i refer back to it daily at the mo, as it's only been a month. Don't look into anything re. the emails, do not hold out any hope, it will only hurt you more with your healing. I wish you strength and luck.
Chi townD Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Wow, dude! You got used and abused. Go no contact. She was using you until she got back on her feet and found someone new. And Now she's respect the fact if you don't want to be friends? Really? Friends? Unbelieveable. Dude, you need to find a good professional girl that doesn't NEED to be with you, but rather WANTS to be with you. Let this one go. She made her choice.
mike588 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 hi twinkles and mike thank you for the honest feedback i really appreciate it...i am going to the NC thing now and try heal..i did send her emails straight after the break up which was probably a stupid thing to do but instinct took over..a bit confused now,i have got a read receipt on my work email and i she has read the emails and re opened some of them 2 or 3 times again.. not sure why she is doing this if she does not want contact with me....maybe its guilt who knows....what u think? I don't see any problem with sending an email very shortly after the breakup to get things off your chest,, to clear the air, whatever. Make sure you say everything you need to say,, write down some stuff, walk away,sleep on it then send it. If your in a hurry you will always forget something then wind up sending another then another and another and it make you look weak and pathetic. After that,, NO MORE! Don't cry over someone who won't cry over you.
Author JudgingKarma Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Thanx for the kind words and support mcnulty.after hearing ur story I guess things could have been worse.that must have crushed u,I feel for u as well.seems like good people always end up second best...I just feel inside that she is buried with guilt,hence her reading the emails over and over...it will catch up with when its too late for her to apologise...Im really not a vindictive person but I would just like to crush her for all the hurt she has caused me,however its not in me to stoop that low.I will definately take your advice and she what happens...thanx
mike588 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Thanx for the kind words and support mcnulty.after hearing ur story I guess things could have been worse.that must have crushed u,I feel for u as well.seems like good people always end up second best...I just feel inside that she is buried with guilt,hence her reading the emails over and over...it will catch up with when its too late for her to apologise...Im really not a vindictive person but I would just like to crush her for all the hurt she has caused me,however its not in me to stoop that low.I will definately take your advice and she what happens...thanx Perfectly normal for wanting them to feel guilty,mine dumped me so hard and I still hope she's dealing with the guilt of screwing me over BIG TIME! Hang in there, is does get better. Keep posting if you feel you need to,your not alone!
harvej Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Sounds like my story which I wont even detail here anymore. You rescued her and she has bailed on you. This same person would have bailed when you needed her the most. She has no empathy. Go NC now and never look back. Although I wished I could have told her off, its too late and a sociopath wouldnt get it anyway. Move on! Godspeed~!
Author JudgingKarma Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Thanx to everyone that has replied so far..it has added a lot of value.I need advice of a difficult nature regarding my ex.as u will have read in my post my girlfriends father died through alcohol abuse.Before he died he spoke to me and told me things in confidence that he could not tell her as their relationship was very emotionaless until the end..i know he never got the chance to tell and I have carried it around with me for a year now.I never got to tell her because I felt it would rip her into pieces and send her into further depression so I wanted to wait till things were stable,obviously I did not see the split coming.I know this is going to contradict the way I am feeling but do I disclose this info to her before I go full NC.I know it will answer alot of questions she needed answered but never got the chance and i know it will give her closure.they robbed his place 3 days after he died before she could get to go through his stuff which left her with nothing of his..its a tough one for me cause of the way I feel and me craving closure...is this an exceptional case to send a mail or just leave it cause of the way she treated me..I do have feelings of anger,disappointment etc but I'm not a monster and would hope if I was in that situation somebody would be to tell me...what does everyone think?
twinkles Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Chances are that this girl is still mentally unstable and your news would probably have the same effect on her now as it would of had you told her last year. So don't do it. I think you are looking for excuses for contact..you owe her nothing..you did more for her than anyone could wish for. She was lucky to have you and I'm so sorry she didn't appreciate you.
Author JudgingKarma Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 Hey Twinkles i guess you right.I did not look at it from that point of view...I will have to deal with it somehow cause i really cant carry it around with me anymore. I had a very good and close relationship with her father and kinda feel i would be letting him down more..not really bothered what it will do to her though if gets the info...anyway i will figure something out.....Feelings today are tell her what I really feel and think of her(and it wont be good) and move on...but I wont I will be wasting my energy and time...........
stunned8165 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I feel for ya man. I was used and abused too. But everyone is right. It's so hard to understand why. But we will never know. I haven't had any real closure either. Just a bunch of lame excuses. But she cheated. Bottom line. try this on for size. And just be glad kids weren't involved http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/ Hang in there. We are all here for support.
hoping2heal Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hi All This is my first post - reading everyone stories and situations really helps a bit to take the edge of the pain and makes one feel that they are not alone in the way they are feeling. So this is the situation Im in and im looking for answers on how to go forward or get closure. I have been with women for 4 years - We were great together and it was leading to engage about a year back..Then she went through a very bad patch after her fathers death last year.He was an alcoholic and drank himself to death.It was a very traumatic experience for her where she found herself going through depression.She advised a month after the death that she needed to move back to her mom and sister as she was not coping with everything here and she could not function at her job and was on the verge of losing it.I asked her if she did not think it would be best to seek counselling.She declined it saying that she did not want to go through councelling again..Before i had met her she was in hospitalised for drug addiction and went through a relationship with a physically abusive boyfriend.She also went to counselling as she had not dealt with her parents divorce years earlier but gave up the sessions half way through.So i did not want to pressure her into going to the doc as it made her feeling unstable.She also had issues with rejection,low self esteem due to bad acne. She she asked my respect her decision and that she did love me and needed to do this to try heal so we could carry on with our relationship down the road.So i agreed to it and said i would offer her the support she needed.She moved away and in the first month of being away she lost her job due to the company closing.In fact she has lost her job twice in the last 8 months due to the "financial crunch" in the economy.So this really put strain on her and sent her back into depression.I supported her every month with a salary so her credit record would not suffer,and paid for her food and groceries,as well giving her money for rent and extras if she needed to go to interviews.I had to reduce my lifestyle completely so she could get through.I was tough on me as i had contact her everyday for the last 8 months to build her up and keep her positive and assure her that things would be okay.There were really days that i felt like packing in myself where she was to "down" or "low" to reply.So about 2 months ago she got a break and landed a job with a well established company and things started to look up again.So the financial strain was taken off me as she did not require and financial assitence from me anymore and her focus on finishing her studies...So about a week ago i received a message from her thanking me for everything i had done for her and it meant alot to her that i was always there for her and keeping her positive everyday,however she needed to tell me that she had someone new in her life and she would respect me if i did not want to be friends...So obviously that came as a shock to me and im sitting now trying to make sense of all this.Im very angry but feel more let down then anything as it just seems like i have wasted a whole year on someone i love only to get her up and running for someone else...So she does not want to speak to me so i cant find out what happened..in my heart i feel she has made a mistake and maybe her past has something to do with it... i think she will realise down the line what she lost in someone like me and there are not a lot of people that would have done what i have done with for...i just want to hear peoples opinion on if so should try mend things and find out why this happened or just try move on without the closure.That is main thing that is bothering me at the moment and hopefully someone can offer guidance.. Thank you I felt exhausted for you reading about how you had to keep her uplifted day in and day out - the emotional strain on you must have been heavy. This might raise a lot of disagreements but I don't believe you can even "meet anyone new" unless you're not committed to your partner. We live amongst thousands (millions, if you want to get technical) of people who are not our partners/spouses. We see and interact with others every single day, does that mean our relationship is doomed? No. You have to stay committed and that does not just relate to the act of not leaving - you have to keep focus on your relationship and your partner even in the hard times, you don't let there be room for any other person in your relationship. You did so much for this woman, maybe even too much in my opinion because it is one thing to help someone through a difficult time but to be constantly having to lift them up so they can deal with their lives..I don't know, maybe it was just because she lost her Dad and it is not normally this way..so I'll give it a hall pass. At this point, I can't see what value this woman holds as a relationship partner because clearly - she does not take her comittment seriously. You floated her financially and gave her emotional support and then she met someone else and allowed the two of them to bond until it blossomed into what they have now. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you (uh, literally). I saw you mention you are going through the anger stage - I can understand that and I know I would be furious to be treated like such crap but that is a symptom of her - not you. Unless she changes someday down the road? As she is now she is just bad stock. You dodged a major bullet with this woman and you saw her true colors and got confirmation of what a committed life with her would be.
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