I really think I am the OW and am realizing it now...

[thinkgal]

I wasnt really paying attention to the red flags. Why? cuz my stupid heart just was making me believe all the excuses that would come out his mouth and blind me. And to stay with him I want to believe what he tells me but I really think he may be with someone.

 

FB is great in noticing things although him being a musician and his page is mostly his work , he doesnt have any pics that are him and family this is why its so hard to really notice or see if he really is married or with someone. But been that this relationship i have with him seems more secret in a way of is mostly us that know about this and we dont post anything of each other as been a couple is just doesnt feel right.

 

Anyways dont want to get into too much details but I feel not only that he may be married but think he has children too and that is what sucks..I've asked him about it an he just denies comes up with that I may have trust issues but I only have them cuz he is not making me feel secure in this relationship. And time has passed and is passing and liek this all we have is fun, we go out to movies, dinner and I really enjoy my time with him because I love him.

 

its been liek 2 years already but he moved almost a year ago supposedly to his aunt's place along with his father and mom but I haven't stepped foot in that house at all. In all this time, we hang around the area and etc but I havent gone inside for anything and usually he gives an excuse of theres too many ppl etc there.

 

Im feeling like crap lately and kinda weak, cuz last time we had this discussion all he does is deny it and say he loves me and stuff but i can tell hes lying abut something, I kinda feel it. So Im trying to see if i can break it off cuz Iam feeling too uncomfortable but at same time I dont wanna let go also. and all cuz of feelings but if my gut is right and he is a cheater then this isnt right and I dont feel comfy to be put into this kind of situation.

 

ugh,, I am just sooo confused of what to do..and I feel hurt already.

 

thanks for listening

Edited December 5, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

It's been 2 years and he hasn't invited you to meet his family? Parents and you haven't been to his house? Yes, he is married or has a long term girlfriend.

 

You have two choices. Go on and continue living a lie, believing what he tells you and having a false sense of security built up all around you OR, you can end it.

 

Listen to your gut! It doesn't lie! All those red flags, feeling that something isn't right -- ALL true. Believe that, not how you feel with your heart and emotions for him that make you want to believe what he tells you.

 

End it. Or at best, tell him how you feel and why.

 

You could hire a PI and find out more before talking to him.

[thinkgal]

ty both soo much for your responses...well I did a back ground check you know the ones you pay for..that shows the addresses teh person has used in last 10 years,any people he has lived with or people also in that address, if theres any debt or liens, also marriage and divorce public records. What I found from there was kinda confusing since there was a woman name with two last names but one of the last name was his but then under marriage record it said there was no marriage record or divorce record under his name. If anything I think there may be something with that woman since I remember once his phone rang while in the movies and that same name popped up but at the tiem when I asked who that was he just saId oh I dont know,, I dont know who that is cuz lots of people call me and I have numbers saved from way before. And that just didnt sound right to me.

well about him been unreachable,, we text way more than talk on phone so he always responds to text, for phone calls not all the time.

Over the summer we have been spending way more time than ever. Which is how my feelings were growing even more. The thing about it is I've been thinking of why am I with him.. I mean I dont think I would consider him for a husband, I've been married already and am currently divorced and Im not sure I believe in marrying again, i mean Im afraid when it comes to that. So I just liked spending time with him, going places and thats about it, I guess in a way what I like is just having a boyfriend to do things with but now Im just getting really uncomfortable wtih the idea he may be cheating on someone with me.

I even said once to him, if there was something you didnt tell me before for whatever reason tell me now because things always come out and is always worse when you find out. His response was that he has nothing to hide, etc. That if there was something he had to say he would just tell me.

So I hate having feelings with him in this awkward situation which when I hang with him I do enjoy but thinking he may be married just feels strange you know. cuz I feel like I wasnt given a choice to choose to be in a situation like that but that I;ve been kinda duped to it and now theres feelings and I feel hes hiding stuff. So that's my dilemma right now.

[thinkgal]

What Im doing now is just thinking things and maybe next time I see him if I can is just to tell him that we need time apart, that way I can detach a bit and try to break this off I guess even though at times I dont want to. I feel like sooo much telling him, I know your hiding something and why can't you just tell me what it is.

[findingnemo]

Your man is definately hiding something. But why play the detective or speculate too much? Go to his parents home with a bunch of flowers and some oatmeal muffins. Make sure to go when he isn't there. Tell his mum that he talks about them all the time and you thought you should pass by and check on them. Introduce yourself as his girlfriend. Act like a very happy partner no matter what they say. They cant refuse you entry into their home.

 

Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. You'll also put him in an awkward position where he'll have to open up. Don't be scared. He has denied the existence of someone else. In his mind, he expects you to believe this. So believe it and act like it. Go to his home!! Whether he has baggage or not doesn't really matter. When you're dating people, you need to do it in the open from day one. Put a stamp on him in the eyes of his family and friends.

[Silly_Girl]

They cant refuse you entry into their home.

 

Of course they can. Wielding muffins is not enough of a reason to let a perfect stranger in to my home, who *claims* to know of me.

[LilMissMovinOn]

ty both soo much for your responses...well I did a back ground check you know the ones you pay for..that shows the addresses teh person has used in last 10 years,any people he has lived with or people also in that address, if theres any debt or liens, also marriage and divorce public records. What I found from there was kinda confusing since there was a woman name with two last names but one of the last name was his but then under marriage record it said there was no marriage record or divorce record under his name. If anything I think there may be something with that woman since I remember once his phone rang while in the movies and that same name popped up but at the tiem when I asked who that was he just saId oh I dont know,, I dont know who that is cuz lots of people call me and I have numbers saved from way before. And that just didnt sound right to me.

well about him been unreachable,, we text way more than talk on phone so he always responds to text, for phone calls not all the time.

Over the summer we have been spending way more time than ever. Which is how my feelings were growing even more. The thing about it is I've been thinking of why am I with him.. I mean I dont think I would consider him for a husband, I've been married already and am currently divorced and Im not sure I believe in marrying again, i mean Im afraid when it comes to that. So I just liked spending time with him, going places and thats about it, I guess in a way what I like is just having a boyfriend to do things with but now Im just getting really uncomfortable wtih the idea he may be cheating on someone with me.

I even said once to him, if there was something you didnt tell me before for whatever reason tell me now because things always come out and is always worse when you find out. His response was that he has nothing to hide, etc. That if there was something he had to say he would just tell me.

So I hate having feelings with him in this awkward situation which when I hang with him I do enjoy but thinking he may be married just feels strange you know. cuz I feel like I wasnt given a choice to choose to be in a situation like that but that I;ve been kinda duped to it and now theres feelings and I feel hes hiding stuff. So that's my dilemma right now.

 

 

I really feel for you. A similar thing happened to me and it went on for a similar period of time. In my case the person lived interstate so it wasnt as easy as just going and knocking on their door. If I was in your position I would do exactly that though. You're gut is most probably right. If he gets angry at you knocking on his door then there is something wrong. Don't put this off. You need to protect yourself in this because no-one else will and the longer it goes on the worse the fall out will be for you (not him). I wish you well.

[thinkgal]

it isnt so simple as just going and knocking on his door. First, I dont have a car when I go see him I usually take a train and then he picks me up from there and I can't walk to where he is staying at cuz is too far of a walking distance plus it is a gated place. The apartments there are gated meaning to enter you gotta live there because the security officers just dont let anyone in. Even if I went with somebody with a car I can't just go in, Im sure they will have to call him to let him know he has a visitor.

It's hard for me, Im trying to avoid seeing him adn I havent since Friday and that is because Im taking my time to think of what to do exactly, of what to say. Im so confused in the sense that part of me wants to let him go because this situation is just not right and I really feel he is hiding something big and I feel he shoulve told me already. And the other part wants to stick seeing him because I luv him and like spending time with him but at same time feels like we should do more things if we really are just with each other.

Its really hard since time has passed and if I decide to take time off like tell him to break up or take a break lets say doing NC will be very hard for me.

 

ugh life,,wish me luck...I wish it were easier

[thinkgal]

was gonna see him this friday but told him I couldnt see him cuz wasnt feeling so well since im on my period and didnt wanna be rushing work to see him for a bit (first time I did that ) but saw him the next day on saturday..and the day was just a bit strange but ended up badly . So I wasnt sure of what to say really I remember on friday telling him on the phone that since i havent seen him all week that I can see him saturday and sunday(to see what he would say) he said he didnt think of it so far but is gonna see how the day sunday will be like to see if he can spend it with me( I thought it meant a def no) So anyways I wasnt sure of what to do or say that day since i've been thnkig all week but dont have any real evidence lets say.

So he picks me up from station and takes me to a restaurant to eat, while there he tells me that he will see me tommorrow too that we will watch a movie and asks if i will take the train back at a certain time but I say I wanted the later one cuz I havent spend much time with him...then while waiting fro dinner to arrive he says " I need your opinion on something, so I wanna surprise this girl with an engagement ring but IM not sure what she will say?" then he looks at me , and I kid around and say well no of course and smile and hes like good then i can save the money lol, so then I look at him and say of course I would say yes (part of me doesnt believe him though, cuz why would umention if you wanted to surprise, this is the second time kinda talking about the topic btw) so he tells me his dad might need the truck he is using so he might not be able to take me to the later one and since im gonna see him tommorrow anyways that the earlier train is better (that got me thinking) and I told him that I had this class which I really did so I might not be able to see him the next day so he calls his dad from his phone he tells him "hey wuts up? (to his dad? kinda weird but ok) then he tells him yeah Im at the restaurant, yup Im with her. are u gonna need the truck tonight? is FFF coming with u? oh ok yes cuz she is taking either the 9 or 10 o clock train but tomorrow she doesnt think she might make it because it depends on a class she needs to take that she just told me about. oh ok then she'll take the earlier on,,umm it takes me 10mins to get there approx when I drop her off " so after he hungs up the phone he says how I shoudl take the earlier train cuz his dad really needs the truck cuz he's gonna pick a family memeber to go shopping for toys for the kids, so I ask what kids?? he says well u know my cousins all have kids and I guess they wanna go when they are sleeping.

anyways so of course I say fine and tell him maybe if i come out of class early I can see him and catch a movie with him. so while driving I then bring up again and say sooo youtalk to your dad and he doesnt mention that since we are near maybe we should pass by to say hi and see me? he's like well his dad hasnt said that cuz hes an adult and well is not like hes gonna need to monitor who he dates, and then I say well if you wanna get engaged with me dont you think he should meet me??

then hes' like of course and then says this friday all 3 of us can have dinner outside (now I thougth hmmm he said outside and not in his aunt's place which is where all are staying at) ...anyways we were waitign for the train arrival and it didnt come then like 10mins later still nothing, so he tells me my dad is waiting for me to take the truck back to him your gonna need to wait at the station for the train which is late but should be coming soon, if i dont go back he will get really mad at me and I dont wanna hear his mouth soo I say but I dont wanna be out in the cold he says the train will come soon dont worry. I also says why dont you call him now and tell him my train is late and hasnt arrived yet...he tells me hes not gonna care and hes just gonna get mad for not bringing the truck back.so i get out and wait in the station , and I say well at least the train should be here soon. 5 mins later over the speakers they announce the train is cancelled and the next train will arrive which is like 40mins from now. So im like noo way i dont wanna stand out here in the cold. So I text him but then decide to call him adn I tell him, the next train is coming in almost an hour can you just come and be here with me so I wont be alone and I wont freeze?? he asks if theres a store acrross the streeet open I can wait in im like no..cuz hes like 15mins away and after he takes the truck hes like it will be close to when your train comes..I say no I dont wanna be here freezing why dont u just give your dad the truck and then come in your car (he has one that I havent seen him drive in like a year almost cuz he says he needs to not use the miles cuz he wants to giveit back to then finance for a new one) , he then says im near my place, let me go in and I'll call you back, I say ok.

 

when I hang up I sit down and get this feeling that he wont call back or come for me. so i cry a bit at the station then of course 5 mins pass and I start walking around to find a place I can go inside to not be so cold so i eventually find one and sit in the stairs, he didnt call back at all...

I send him then a text later when im heading back to the station for the train saying that how can he leave me out in the cold and not even call me back or try to get me?.. he texts back saying how his dad was bitching him about the truck and how he goe there late.. I then text him other texts saying how it seems he doesnt care and how he coulve just avoided all this if he wouldve drove with me back to his aunts place and given his dad the truck and then we couldve hung in the place so i can meet all of them and then drove back to the station later fr the next train but it seems he doesnt want me to step a foot inside that place.

 

so today sunday, I didnt text or call him and he hasnt either. I feel he thinks is no biggie and Im sure he knows im mad cuz of the texts I sent him in the night, but he left me there I feel he coulve came back for me.

 

this also adds to my suspicion of why he couldnt come out of his aunts place to get me ...that made me feel so hurt

 

ty for listening