irc333 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I also want to add, is being needy necessarily a BAD thing. Or is it really the degree of that neediness? When having conversations when it comes to dating, frequency of staying in touch or even making an initial contact. I had a conversation with a guy, that I'm suprisingly thinking that some of the things that I or even other men do, might be considered too needy...at least by HIS standards, where some things I've done, gotten me dates. So is it really about the DEGREE of neediness? If you were to rate the degree of neediness from a 1 to 10, a 1 or 2 is what would describe him, sometimes a woman might have to hit him up the head with a frying pan to get his attention. I often wonder why men, seem to be oblivious (or acting oblivious) that they pretend not to notice that a woman has an interest in him. I remember another conversation with a guy, about taking things slow, and he kind sarcastically said, "What, as slow as a turtle, or as slow as an aging mountain" Which means, he was just saying you don't want to move too slow, otherwise you'll miss the opportunity. Like from a level 10 or up there...that's getting to chronically needy, almost to a "Sleeping with the Enemy" variety. So, that being said, is it just about finding someone who is on the same page of that level of neediness?
spopov27 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) In a relationship there's always gonna be one person who's needier than the other one. If you want to have the power in the relationship you need to be the one who cares the least about the relationship. You can't both have the same level of neediness because there will always be one who cares more than the other. EDIT: And when I say 'relationship' that includes just casually meeting or dating, friends with benefits, basically any 'more than friends' relation between a man and woman. Edited November 27, 2011 by spopov27 addition
Author irc333 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 In a relationship there's always gonna be one person who's needier than the other one. If you want to have the power in the relationship you need to be the one who cares the least about the relationship. You can't both have the same level of neediness because there will always be one who cares more than the other. EDIT: And when I say 'relationship' that includes just casually meeting or dating, friends with benefits, basically any 'more than friends' relation between a man and woman. Yeah, I knew of this one woman, met her online, would've been perfect for me...attractive (at least by my standards), mid 40's, single, never married had no kids, life was great for her...had her own home.....serious job security (she worked as an insurance agent, worked for her mother at a small plaza mall) made decent money.....been doing the same thing since her early 20's...been living in the same po-dunk town all her life...and had seen her on POF. Got to chatting iwth her, she probably had 2 engagements, both of which she had to end , becaue they became too "needy" And I'm thinking, "What do you mean?" And she explained how they were stopping by her place a little too much, and even expected her to kind of spend more time with them, and kind of shave off her time she went out socializing with her friends at the local watering hole. She didn't like the infringement upon her space at home a little too frequently. She enjoyed her indepdence a little too much and it spoiled her ability to be date-able. She mentioned her older sister, who married in her mid 20's, and how she's the only single sister left in the family, and she had it so great, and really had no real good excuse at being single...s.he admitted that she was indeed selfish, and that's what got her into her spinster lifestyle. Usually selfish singles tend to go on about how people they've dated have been clingy.
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 The best way for me to answer this is to put it in my perspective while dating a man (yes, men can be needy too). Say he gets my number. I don't care if he calls that night or a few days later. I'd expect the call within a week though. If we have a first date that goes well, again, I expect a return call within a week. BUT, if I were into him I would make it known that I had a good time and look forward to seeing him again. I probably wouldn't call him, but that's just me. Dates continue, good times had by both. Red flags of neediness/unhealthy relationship vibes: - suddenly wants to see me everyday - wants to know where I am going and who I am going with - gets upset if I don't answer a call or message right away - uses the "L" word too soon - says other romantic things too early such as "you're the one", "where have you been all my life" - wants a lot of lovey dovey kissy photos to post on his social networking site. These are just some that I have experienced and what I have learned is that neediness is usually correlated with the unhealthy desire to be in a relationship. He will latch on to me, but it has nothing to do with me, it's just a void that he is trying to fill. And when it ends, he'll be on to the next woman doing the same things. My advice to you is to 1) maintain your own life. Have hobbies and interests that fill your time and make you happy, and 2) know what you want in a relationship. Be upfront and honest about it but give yourself time to get to know the girl as an individual. You can't rush happiness. And, YES, it is about finding someone that is on the same level as you. Or, at least being able to understand/accept any difference in needs. And if anything about your wants and how slow/fast you want to take things isn't well received by the girl, move on. I would also say that about 4-5 months into dating (assuming we've been exclusive from the get go and have had a steady interaction), things could get more serious and it wouldn't freak me out because each person has had a chance to really get to know the other. I'm not talking marriage proposals, but a "I really enjoy our time together ... I am falling in love with you... I hope this relationship continues because I am very happy with you... etc". This is in my experience and is in no way the "rule". Others might date casually and multi date for months, that's just not my style
oaks Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I also want to add, is being needy necessarily a BAD thing. Or is it really the degree of that neediness? I think there are degrees, and someone who is quite a bit needy might be compatible with someone who is quite a bit patient and giving (or whatever quality compliments neediness). Do you think you are needy? Do you think you come across as being needy? Do you think this is making it difficult for you to get dates?
Author irc333 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Those red flags are probably, considered by the general population as indeed needy. But I remember talking to a friend of mine, where I did something that I perosnally defined as "normal" and my guy friend thought it was considered "needy" Consider this...Facebook has this ability to set up events through like a night out to go out eating or the movies. or dancing. I get a FB group invite to join these people....I get to talking to a woman at the event a bit, and mingle around....and let's say, I go home and contact the woman with a "Hey, it was nice talking with you the other night" type of email. Thing is, I hear I'm not the only guy that has done this, and in fact, I've heard of people who have met, dated, and even got married when it started off like that...so I kind call Shennanigans there. HE thought that might be considered a little too off putting or "Needy" (I'm starting to put quotes around the word "Needy" more frequently because I think each individual has their own definition of the word, which is kind of disturbing and can be confusing) And I'm like "I fail to see how that's needy" So...go figure, right? The best way for me to answer this is to put it in my perspective while dating a man (yes, men can be needy too). Say he gets my number. I don't care if he calls that night or a few days later. I'd expect the call within a week though. If we have a first date that goes well, again, I expect a return call within a week. BUT, if I were into him I would make it known that I had a good time and look forward to seeing him again. I probably wouldn't call him, but that's just me. Dates continue, good times had by both. Red flags of neediness/unhealthy relationship vibes: - suddenly wants to see me everyday - wants to know where I am going and who I am going with - gets upset if I don't answer a call or message right away - uses the "L" word too soon - says other romantic things too early such as "you're the one", "where have you been all my life" - wants a lot of lovey dovey kissy photos to post on his social networking site. These are just some that I have experienced and what I have learned is that neediness is usually correlated with the unhealthy desire to be in a relationship. He will latch on to me, but it has nothing to do with me, it's just a void that he is trying to fill. And when it ends, he'll be on to the next woman doing the same things. My advice to you is to 1) maintain your own life. Have hobbies and interests that fill your time and make you happy, and 2) know what you want in a relationship. Be upfront and honest about it but give yourself time to get to know the girl as an individual. You can't rush happiness. And, YES, it is about finding someone that is on the same level as you. Or, at least being able to understand/accept any difference in needs. And if anything about your wants and how slow/fast you want to take things isn't well received by the girl, move on. I would also say that about 4-5 months into dating (assuming we've been exclusive from the get go and have had a steady interaction), things could get more serious and it wouldn't freak me out because each person has had a chance to really get to know the other. I'm not talking marriage proposals, but a "I really enjoy our time together ... I am falling in love with you... I hope this relationship continues because I am very happy with you... etc". This is in my experience and is in no way the "rule". Others might date casually and multi date for months, that's just not my style
Author irc333 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I think there are degrees, and someone who is quite a bit needy might be compatible with someone who is quite a bit patient and giving (or whatever quality compliments neediness). Do you think you are needy? Do you think you come across as being needy? Do you think this is making it difficult for you to get dates? Yes, to a certain extent. No on the 2nd, but having conversations with various people that put me on the fence about that, however, I hear about how men have done the same thing I have. No, because I have gotten dates. With neediness, there's A LOT of grey areas.
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Those red flags are probably, considered by the general population as indeed needy. But I remember talking to a friend of mine, where I did something that I perosnally defined as "normal" and my guy friend thought it was considered "needy" Consider this...Facebook has this ability to set up events through like a night out to go out eating or the movies. or dancing. I get a FB group invite to join these people....I get to talking to a woman at the event a bit, and mingle around....and let's say, I go home and contact the woman with a "Hey, it was nice talking with you the other night" type of email. Thing is, I hear I'm not the only guy that has done this, and in fact, I've heard of people who have met, dated, and even got married when it started off like that...so I kind call Shennanigans there. HE thought that might be considered a little too off putting or "Needy" (I'm starting to put quotes around the word "Needy" more frequently because I think each individual has their own definition of the word, which is kind of disturbing and can be confusing) And I'm like "I fail to see how that's needy" So...go figure, right? Shenanigans is right! If that's needy, I would like to know how one is supposed to express interest at all? Smoke signals? Incense and praying? Crossing your fingers that she contacts you first? Geesh! There is nothing wrong with letting a woman know that you enjoyed meeting her. If she doesn't respond, move on. If she does, try to get a date to talk more. That's how people get together! p.s. stop taking dating advice from that friend
Casablanca Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Red flags of neediness/unhealthy relationship vibes: - suddenly wants to see me everyday - wants to know where I am going and who I am going with - gets upset if I don't answer a call or message right away - uses the "L" word too soon - says other romantic things too early such as "you're the one", "where have you been all my life" - wants a lot of lovey dovey kissy photos to post on his social networking site. I dont agree with the first one; I think it is very natural to want to see the other person a lot early on, BUT for me it is only a problem is if they get upset that we cant see each other every day, like if Im busy with work, have plans already, etc...so I agree and disagree to a bit The biggest thing for me is someone who needs constant reaffirmations that she is beautiful, I like her, your outfit looks great, etc. I'm gonna say it, so its not like they dont get any compliments, but if you need one every time I see you then we have an issue.
oaks Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Yes, to a certain extent. No on the 2nd, but having conversations with various people that put me on the fence about that, however, I hear about how men have done the same thing I have. No, because I have gotten dates. With neediness, there's A LOT of grey areas. So, you think you're needy but it isn't stopping you from getting dates? I'm not seeing a dating problem here.
Author irc333 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Yeah, chances are he's probably been Friendzoned a lot or has had a lot of missed opportunities using his method. THough he did kind of lucked out and is now seeing someone one on one...hopefully it'll go well for him. But yeah, I just find his methods rather unorthodox of a typical bachelor. He says the woman he hangs out with appreciate the fact he doesn't "hit on them" And I"m like "huh??" Shenanigans is right! If that's needy, I would like to know how one is supposed to express interest at all? Smoke signals? Incense and praying? Crossing your fingers that she contacts you first? Geesh! There is nothing wrong with letting a woman know that you enjoyed meeting her. If she doesn't respond, move on. If she does, try to get a date to talk more. That's how people get together! p.s. stop taking dating advice from that friend
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Yes, to a certain extent. No on the 2nd, but having conversations with various people that put me on the fence about that, however, I hear about how men have done the same thing I have. No, because I have gotten dates. With neediness, there's A LOT of grey areas. Oh so grey, and it sure is overcast today! I consider myself moderately needy. Meaning, I don't want to have to guess how the guy is feeling. He needs to tell me, reassure me, and be there if I'm being irrational. I'm at 3+ months dating the same guy and I'm busting at the seams for him to say something like "you make me happy". But, I'm still being analyzed I'm afraid. Grrr! For me it's just about feeling connected, informed and safe/secure, not about being in every moment of his life. First dates are easy, it's navigating past the first few and making it something that can last that can be daunting and tricky. It's a fine balance of being true to yourself and also realizing the queues coming from the other person. I personally, hate dating!
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I dont agree with the first one; I think it is very natural to want to see the other person a lot early on, BUT for me it is only a problem is if they get upset that we cant see each other every day, like if Im busy with work, have plans already, etc...so I agree and disagree to a bit The biggest thing for me is someone who needs constant reaffirmations that she is beautiful, I like her, your outfit looks great, etc. I'm gonna say it, so its not like they dont get any compliments, but if you need one every time I see you then we have an issue. Agreed. In the right situation, seeing each other a lot early on can work. And agreed on the second paragraph too! I couldn't be with someone that needed constant reassurance.
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Yeah, chances are he's probably been Friendzoned a lot or has had a lot of missed opportunities using his method. THough he did kind of lucked out and is now seeing someone one on one...hopefully it'll go well for him. But yeah, I just find his methods rather unorthodox of a typical bachelor. He says the woman he hangs out with appreciate the fact he doesn't "hit on them" And I"m like "huh??" friend zone. game over.
Author irc333 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I'm at 3+ months dating the same guy and I'm busting at the seams for him to say something like "you make me happy". LOL...Yes indeed....needy people tend to be romantic, right?
Casablanca Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 And agreed on the second paragraph too! I couldn't be with someone that needed constant reassurance. I was with one and it was mind numbing, never again. She was a nice gal and all, but I couldnt take it any more
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 LOL...Yes indeed....needy people tend to be romantic, right? I'm one check mark in the column "yes" for romantic I was with one and it was mind numbing, never again. She was a nice gal and all, but I couldnt take it any more In terms of appearance, most people wouldn't be with someone they didn't find attractive, so I don't understand the constant need to hear "you're pretty". To me, I assume any guy dating me thinks I'm pretty. I don't think I am being needy to want a little reassurance about the relationship in general though. Once the foundation is there, I'm good. It's waiting for it that is difficult.
dispatch3d Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 oh hells no he didn't. You want needy people to define needy?
Casablanca Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 In terms of appearance, most people wouldn't be with someone they didn't find attractive, so I don't understand the constant need to hear "you're pretty". To me, I assume any guy dating me thinks I'm pretty. I don't think I am being needy to want a little reassurance about the relationship in general though. Once the foundation is there, I'm good. It's waiting for it that is difficult. You bring up a good point, though it is good to hear once in a while, I like to hear it, and I think everyone likes to hear it once in a while, like if you have a big date planned, I like to compliment, but every single time I see you, sometimes more than once?!?! Way too much Yeah, once the foundation is there, it is nice, but once in a blue moon I like to give a little reassurance, even if it is a simple, you're spectacular even if you're a year in, but once the foundation is set it, I dont expect it and I dont think anyone SHOULD, but I like to "reaffirm it" once in a while
FitChick Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Physical or emotional neediness is only a problem if it bothers the other person.
Lonely Ronin Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 So true, to bad not many people get that. Physical or emotional neediness is only a problem if it bothers the other person.
grkBoy Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 "Needy" is defined by the person receiving the attention. So one day it could be a girl that welcomes hearing from her man several times a day and likes seeing him several times a week....then another day it's a different girl who really loves her personal space so much that she only wants to see her man once a week and perhaps talk to him 2-3 times a week. Everyone is different. One person's "you're smothering me" is another person's "love the attention".
Mrlonelyone Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 ^what greek boy said. I would only add that it also depends on the level of attraction. If the person getting your attention is attracted enough then they can't get enough of your attention. If the person is not attracted enough... well then it's like this. http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/sexual-harassment-and-you.html When "Gregg" is dating a woman I doubt he gets called needy.
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