ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I am writing to see if any of you have experienced relationship anxiety and what you have done about it. I just recently posted in the dating section about how I have been dating someone for just over 3 months. Things have been good, but then this week my experience has completely changed. The trigger to all of this is the fact that I told him I am starting to care. Now I feel like I have opened myself up to a world of hurt. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I feel like he's stolen the pocket aces from my poker hand. Slowly, I'm trying to trust and just let go. Telling him I care was the right thing to do and I know that. But, this anxiety is causing me to feel just horrible. I do not plan to discuss this with him unless it persists, because it has nothing to do with him. I took the advice given to me in my previous post about relaxing, but I just woke up from a short nap and I am stressed to the max. Tight chest, worried, and crying a little. It went on for about 20 minutes and I just sat on the couch breathing and trying to get a grip. This is ridiculous and I am upset with myself for being so foolish. I'm a rational person and I like to figure the solution and answer for just about everything. And if my irrational fear comes true, and he decides to not see me anymore, I know that's ok, regardless of the reason. My world isn't going to end (which makes this anxiety even more maddening actually!). I also know I might decide to not see him anymore. This all goes 2 ways. I'm looking for stories to help me feel better and a little less alone in this situation
betterdeal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Try some breathing exercises. The key thing, I think, is calming down. You know, rationally, that being stressed is probably not going to solve anything. There's no wolf or tiger to be alert for. So use your rational self to induce calm in your irrational self, and breathing exercises are one way to do that. Regular deep breaths will steady the heart rate, which will steady the signals going to the brain, which will calm you down. Have a look on youtube for examples. Yoga, martial arts, are all good for breathing too.
norajane Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 My world isn't going to end (which makes this anxiety even more maddening actually!). You've considered the worst, and it's not that big a deal. So the anxiety is coming from something else, something about yourself or within yourself, that was triggered. You're feeling out of control. Do you know what that anxiety is stemming from?
Author ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) Try some breathing exercises. The key thing, I think, is calming down. You know, rationally, that being stressed is probably not going to solve anything. There's no wolf or tiger to be alert for. So use your rational self to induce calm in your irrational self, and breathing exercises are one way to do that. Regular deep breaths will steady the heart rate, which will steady the signals going to the brain, which will calm you down. Have a look on youtube for examples. Yoga, martial arts, are all good for breathing too. I wasn't hyperventilating or anything, but breathing certainly helped the crying stop. I just sat there feeling like I was going to vomit, like someone had just done something terrible to me. I read a book for several hours, but had no motivation to make dinner or do anything else. And that feeling did not leave me all night. I slept terribly. And, it's still there today, though to a lesser degree. You've considered the worst, and it's not that big a deal. So the anxiety is coming from something else, something about yourself or within yourself, that was triggered. You're feeling out of control. Do you know what that anxiety is stemming from? This has all started because I admitted to him that I care and I didn't get a similar response. Now I feel like I'm a sitting duck. Who would keep dating someone that doesn't reciprocate their feelings? Apparently me. And that is the root of my anxiety. Feeling as though I am wasting my time, investing feelings in the wrong person (again) and being neurotic about it. As good of a person as I am, I cannot seem to be objective when dating someone and that just kills me. Why do other people know when to walk away and I don't? I'm going to my best to relax, but it's not looking good. I'll ultimately have to share this with him. Really, what do I have to lose? I already feel awful. I feel like a lab rat and he is poking and prodding me to see if I am going to act like his ex... and only when he's sure I won't will he open up to me. I deserve better than this. Edited November 28, 2011 by ScienceGal
betterdeal Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Put that way, it does sound like a sticking point. I reacted similar to my ex opening up to me as he has to you, and we ended up on a downward spiral. Not to say you're situation is the same, or will be the same, but I do think a frank discussion in which you tell him these new feelings is a good idea. I feel X when you Y and I'd like you to Z may have to come into play. Something along the lines of: "I feel you are keeping track of my behaviour and not participating fully and that makes me feel self-conscious. I'd like you to tell me when something bugs you and we can resolve it there and then instead of it building up. I'll do my best to understand your view, and I want you to do the same for me." and "I feel X because you have not reciprocated the feelings I expressed. If you don't feel the same way as I do and you are not ready to open up, I want to call it a day. I want to be in a relationship with someone who is one the same page as me." I mean, that's all pretty exhaustive and probably quite a mouthful to say in person, but I hope you get the idea. You may have to lead him a little on this and give him homework.
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